I SEEN HM

Hey xmas,

I am sorry to hear that this was a difficult situation today. I would have felt upset too.
Maybe you can all a DV hotline again if you feel like he is indeed stalking you, and they can walk you through a safety plan and also help you figure out if he is - in the legal sense- stalking you and if you can take action by contacting authorities.

Stay safe, and be kind to yourself.
This is hard.

Have you been seeing a counselor or therapist maybe to work through this?
I am a huge fan of working with a clinical and licensed mental healthcare worker when it comes to abuse.
Trauma is very real, and you deserve to be seen and heard - no matter how often and for how long.

Continue no contact and block him on all social media and change your email and phone if necessary.
You do not have to go through this alone, and the DV hotline can assist you. Call them and see how they can walk beside you in this.

We are not meant to do this life alone.
You have a right to seek help.

Hey xmas, this is hard, it does hurt on a regular basis. The key is trying to not see him or be in contact in any way. It is especially hard when you live in the same town and have friends in common.

I find that I get very tempted to look up my exes on Facebook. And I have figured out that that feeling of "temptation" is similar to a "craving' like you would have after quitting smoking. You just want to see it or touch it or just take one puff off the cigarette to satisfy your craving.

What I find happens though, is when I look at their profile page or whatever on FB or other social medias..it brings back all the feelings of the abuse. It feels like I am right back there remembering the sadness, the confusion, the terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, the dread and the anger.

So I am trying everyday to fight that temptation. It is so easy to look someone else up on FB. SO EASY. BUT it is so hard to NOT do it. BUT I find that my brain and heart heal by NOT seeing him or anyone connected to him.

OUT OF SIGHT IS OUT OF MIND.

This is hard. BUT it works. Don't let him or his daughter or his friends or his comments on FB, or potential partners, or ANYONE that he has contact with destroy you. YOU are worth so much more than that. Don't give him any POWER and that is what happens when we look them up, or read their posts, or even look at people who are related to him or friends with him. YOU are GIVING THOSE THOUGHTS< THAT PAIN >>YOU GIVE IT ENERGY by focusing on him.

Use that energy to focus on you. He isn't going to change, he isn't going to stop playing games and he isn't going to stop abusing others. AND YOU CAN"T CHANGE him or stop him. The only thing you can change is how you respond and interpret what you are seeing.

Easier said than done. I know that..been there done it. BUT it can be done. We have control over what we think. Feelings come and feelings go. If possible, try to resist putting yourself in the path of him and his friends and whoever else he has contact with. It is only going to hurt.

Hey Sarah..I am so happy for you!!! It is a great feeling isn't to not be triggered by the jerk? Thanks for sharing..you give hope to many who may have days where they  just really feel like it will never end, the anger, the resentment, the fear, and the self-destructive thoughts like the one you spoke of.."he will control my thoughts forever".

We do heal, and we do go forward and things do get better. We are SURVIVORS! No longer a victim. It is freeing and refreshing and such a good feeling to not only be away from him, but to be released from the emotional hold Abusers have on us, even when we are no longer with them.

AND I feel like it will be ok if you have a moment or two where those feelings do come back. It can happen! Our brains don't know if 7 days, or 7 months or even 7 years has passed. I am about 3 years out from last seeing my ex-abusive boyfriend. There are days when I feel like the last time I saw him was yesterday and then there are other times when I don't even think of him(those days are my favorite).

I just keep saying to myself "Trust your Journey"..keep going forward and don't look back. I can't change anything in the past, I can only focus on today and eventually on tomorrow. And the JERK is not a part of either today or tomorrow.

Smiling for you Sarah!

Hey Sarah..that is so wonderful that you are training to be a support worker for abused women! We so need many more people like you! I know you will be great at that and what a blessing to others you will be. This is the "good" that comes from the "bad". These are the gifts that the ABUSERS give us and that is the sweet revenge we feel. We live a good life and we find happiness without them and it is such a great feeling inside.

I am doing really well right now. I am happy. I am self sufficient, I have a wonderful new home (again, I needed to move to get away from the noise and violence in my old neighborhood). My children are both doing well and I have a great man in my life who adds to all that. So, thank you for asking.

One day at a time and we keep going forward! Keep us up to date on your course work. I am really excited for you!

Hey Sarah! WOW! That is so awesome! Those courses sound so good! I wish they had something like that here in the US. I am a Social Worker already, my background isn't with Domestic Violence..but I could take a few courses and change.I love my new job as a Director of Social Services where I work. I am not ready to change to working with DV. I like helping out here on this forum, I often said if I wanted to change the direction of my career, DV is the way I would go. Maybe someday!

I am so glad those books helped you. I agree, reading and educating and even being on here, helps us to figure it out. I needed that knowledge in order to believe that what was happening to me was ABUSE. It all made sense when I read those books and I still have them and pages are marked and things highlighted. I will go back on occasion and read certain sections again.

The JERK RADAR Quiz..helped me a lot when I got into my current relationship. I did that quiz like 6 times just to make sure he wasn't a jerk. He has a few things he does that I don't like, most of it is me being a bit paranoid. What is really good is I have gotten the courage to speak up when I don't like something and I do it a lot. My guy..he takes it in stride, he apologizes for not realizing that something bothered me and he changes his behavior and we go forward. He has ADHD..which has been challenging for me to get used to. BUT we are learning each other and figuring out how to live with each other's flaws and quirks. (we don't live together). He and I have been together 2 1/2 years already. And right now, there isn't any push to live together or get married or anything like that and I am perfectly happy about that.

So excited for you and your new journey!