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Moving on
Sept 25, 2017 10:43:26 GMT
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Post by polarone on Sept 25, 2017 10:43:26 GMT
Hello
I am recently out of a relationship that was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I kept going back, even after one occasion when my ex tried to kill me, because I believed I had made them this way by not being honest about things in my past. I would constantly be accused of cheating, called names, and felt like I was walking on eggshells waiting for the next mood swing or for them to turn on me. It was always my fault. They also lied to me and did things behind my back. I know that I am better off without this person, but I dread seeing them, and hate that I miss them and that they get to move on with their life and act like some kind of saint. I've been in therapy for over a month and am struggling to move on with my own life.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Sept 26, 2017 1:33:58 GMT
Hi Polarone..welcome. I am sorry this has happened to you. Your ex partner is clearly abusive and dangerous. I am glad you are safe and out of harm's way.
I know you are hurting. This isn't easy. Please know..you did not cause him to be this way. You are not the problem. Your partner has probably been learning these behaviors of abuse since he was a child. This isn't your fault. NONE of it is your fault.
I would recommend a book to you that has helped me tremendously over the past 3 years. "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft is a great resource for helping victims and survivors to understand these types of people. If you can..begin to read it. I read it and I was shocked to see my now ex-husband and my recent ex-boyfriend portrayed on the pages of that book. In some cases..the words Mr. Bancroft wrote..mirrored my exes. COMPLETELY. I swear he knew my exes and wrote about them in the book.
Right now, I hear your struggle to go forward. It is not easy. I remember somedays taking 2 steps forward and 20 steps backward. Some days I would jump for joy of being free and other days I would cry my eyes out until I literally had no more tears. Only to realize that I did when I cried more the next day. There are many feelings and thoughts that are flying around in our heads just after we leave. We miss them for many many reasons and some of them make sense and some don't. BUT..I have learned that what is happening is we are grieving the loss of the relationship, we are grieving the loss of a partner (good or bad)..we are no longer a "couple"..another loss. In some cases we lose friends, we lose a home, we lose money. We lose the role of being a "wife" or "girlfriend". We also mourn the loss of a fantasy of the life we hoped for that never happened. In my case, I lost all of those things and a year later I was fired from my job because I probably suffered PTSD and didn't perform my job well. I lost some of my in-laws and being part of a "family" that I loved for 20 years.
It is not easy. BUT I can tell that you are moving on even though you don't feel like it. You have accomplished so much already..you are helping yourself with counseling, you have left, you are seeking support here, you are beginning to see him for the monster he is and you are learning that what he did is wrong, almost criminal. You are learning to love yourself by listening to your instincts..or your gut. You have learned that you are strong and brave because you walked away and believed in knowing that there is something better out there for you. You are healing Polarone..it is a process and it takes time. I have been away from my ex-husband for over 4 years and away from a very abusive REBOUND boyfriend for over 3 years. It was very hard when I first left. I struggled a lot.
Looking back now though..I am so glad I made the choices I did. Only regret is I wish I had left sooner.
Hugs to you Polarone..I see a brave woman who is taking control of her life and trying to help herself heal and go forward. And you will. Give yourself time and take care of you.
If you can..have no contact with him at all. NONE. No social media, no texting, no e-mails, no phone calls. NONE. This will give you the space you need to begin healing. I haven't seen my ex-boyfriend in almost 3 years. I have no desire to even be in the same town as him. AND I do everything I can to stay away from that town. If I were to see him..I would probably break into a severe panic. I despise him so much. My ex-husband..we have children together. I see him every now and then and every time I do it sets me back a bit. He and I have no contact at all other than occasional path crosses because of our daughters. I despise all he did in our marriage. I have no love for either guy.
Stay away from him if you can. Find positive everyday and reward yourself for finding that positive and loving it for a few minutes.
It will get better Polarone. Anything we can do. please post and tell us. We are here to listen, support, no- judging. Anything you want to share please do.
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Moving on
Sept 26, 2017 7:50:16 GMT
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Post by polarone on Sept 26, 2017 7:50:16 GMT
Thanks I should say that I am gay and this was a relationship with a woman, not that it makes any difference. I agree about the no contact. After walking away I let them talk me into working things out after they apologised and said they realised they needed to change. Only to be messed around when I didn't respond in the way she expected when we met up. She then left me, only for me to contact her again when I saw how happy she was on social media, to let her know howangry at her I was . Which I regret now as it's set me back, her only concern was to tell me to move on and cry and ask me if I'd told anyone about what happened, then to warn me not to tell anyone. I feel completely lost and hopeless. I go from feeling glad I'm no longer verbally and physically abused, to being angry at myself for feeling like I made someone who was so nice in the beginning and kind that way by not being honest about certain things in my past or for not being that serious about our relationship at the start. I never cheated or did anything of the sort, I just perhaps wasn't as serious about the relationship or committed to it as I shouldve been, but that was mostly because of my own insecurities and figuring out who she was. It feels never-ending. I've always been told I pushed her to violence and made her the way she was.
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Moving on
Sept 26, 2017 16:12:30 GMT
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Post by polarone on Sept 26, 2017 16:12:30 GMT
Do you think you can drive someone to hitting you / throwing you around / trying to suffocate you with a pillow? I feel like it was my fault because I lied and kept things about my past from my ex girlfriend and it deeply affected her and made her angry. She would call me a whore and a slut and pull out knives on me but I was the one who kept going back and she keeps threatening me not to tell anyone anything she did to me. I feel like it's all my fault
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Sept 27, 2017 2:12:02 GMT
Hi Polarone..to answer your question...NO NO NO NO. She is abusive and you did not cause her to be that way. I would bet you any amount of money you are the not the first person she has done this to and you will not be the last. Please read Lundy Bancroft's book. I promise you, you will learn and see that this was ABSOLUTELY not your fault.
YOur ex is ABUSIVE. PERIOD. She is in complete control of her actions. That is a hard "pill" to swallow, I know. Trying to kill someone you claim to "love" is not provoked. What she did is because she truly believes that that is how you treat someone you love. She is a NARCISSIST which is a Personality Disorder. She knows exactly what she does and she chooses to be that way because she really believes that she is right. She will not change, she says she should, but that is to get you back into her good graces.
The reason you believe this is your fault? Is because she has said this to you so many times that you have come to believe it. She punished you for not being honest with her. Would you pull a knife on her if she didn't share her whole past with you? No..because you know what it means to love someone and forgive them. She doesn't forgive..she gets revenge. She teaches you a lesson, that is ABUSE. She needed an excuse to treat you the way she did so she picked your lie or your failure to share with her (which you have every right to do in a relationship if you choose to) and she punished you.
I would also encourage you to call a local Domestic Violence Hotline or National Hotline and talk to a counselor. You can remain anonymous and just share your story. No one judges you, no one will punish you, no one will blame you. We don't do that here either. Also, please consider counselling. Domestic Violence Centers offer free counselling. It really helps to begin to sort through what is going on.
I am being 100 % truthful with you. This is not your fault. Trying to kill someone is a crime. There is nothing on this earth that gives her the right to do what she did to you...nothing. A normal person would not try and kill you for lying. Your ex partner..ok to be angry and hurt. That happens..but all that she did in response to that anger is ABUSE..and somewhere along her lifetime, she learned that is is acceptable to treat you the way she did so she gets what she wants. That is control and the ability to make herself feel better by hurting you. AND IT IS WRONG.
Honestly, if you can, please ignore her.I know it is hard..but Begin to educate yourself on ABUSIVE personalities, on Domestic Violence, on the "cycle of violence", and the manipulation and control and hurt that these people inflict on their partners. Really, read that book. It will help you understand what happened and why she is the way she is. THERE IS NO EXCUSE for her actions and her words and her behaviors. Making excuses for why she is the way she is only supports who she is. She is horrible. By learning about all this, you will help yourself to begin to heal. She has done a lot of damage to you..and when you are ready, you will begin to heal. Right now, it is incredibly painful all that she has done.
PLEASE..do not respond to her..especially on FB or any social media. Ignore her. She will make herself look like a fool. Tell people you trust what has happened if you feel comfortable. I have said this before..I promise you there are others out there she has hurt. 1 in 3 people have experienced abuse. 1 in 3. Many are killed daily by their partners because that partner believed they had every right to ABUSE their partner.
I know this is hard, I know it hurts right now and I know you are angry at yourself. All you are feeling is normal given all you have been through. It is not your fault. NEVER is it your fault. She is wrong in everything she did and everything she has said. WRONG. I don't know you Polarone..but believe me I do know and I know your abusive partner. She is one of millions of ABUSIVE people in this world and sadly, they all look alike, they act alike and they will all get what they have coming to them at some point in life.
It will be ok. Take deep breaths, get some sleep if you can, and maybe try and focus on you. I am not telling you it "is not your fault" to help you feel better, I am telling you because it is true.
You may believe it in your head, but your heart is telling you something different. AND that is very understandable. Your ex wants attention and control. Don't give her any more power over you. It is what she wants and she believes that the only person who 'wants" matter is her.
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Moving on
Sept 27, 2017 6:55:55 GMT
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Post by polarone on Sept 27, 2017 6:55:55 GMT
I feel bad as I was trying to move on but I was angry and contacted her to tell her how angry I was that she could just move on with her life after what she did to me.
She told me to move on and not tell anyone. She has in the past threatened to kill herself or harm my daughter if I told anyone.
At the start of our relationship we both played games and made each other jealous. She says this is the reason why she called me a whore. It also took me three years into our relationship to confide in her that when I was younger I had an abortion. She would call me a whore over this and said I shouldve told her but it was something I felt great shame over. As was the birth of my daughter. Who had been born under circumstances where I cheated on a partner when I was 16 and met an older man on the Internet and then lied to that partner. This was 12 years ago and I didn't tell my ex for a long time because I was ashamed and if she knew the truth she might think badly of me. She says finding out all of this made her the way she was to me. My father died when I was 12 and I tried to explain how messed up I was when I was younger and made some mistakes and wasn't that person anymore now that I'm almost 30, but she would continue to use this as an excuse and a reason for her mood swings. I am seeing a therapist at the moment. But finding it very hard to move on. And feeling angry and hurt with myself that I contacted her and she rejected me. After I had accepted her apologies and let her back in, only for her to reject me when we met up as I didn't react to her the way she wanted.
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Moving on
Sept 27, 2017 7:02:00 GMT
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Post by polarone on Sept 27, 2017 7:02:00 GMT
Why can't I just move on with my life knowing I am better off, why do I keep obsessing over her and what she is doing or who she is with?
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Moving on
Sept 27, 2017 11:26:51 GMT
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Post by polarone on Sept 27, 2017 11:26:51 GMT
She was abused as a child and is a very sensitive person. Perhaps if I had been more honest with her and not put all that on her, or treated her differently, then she wouldn't have been like this. She was nice in the beginning and says she's never had a bad relationship before and that's it's me and loving me that made her like this.
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Moving on
Sept 28, 2017 14:02:36 GMT
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Post by polarone on Sept 28, 2017 14:02:36 GMT
She was so nice when I met her. And is so nice and helpful to others and does lots for the community. Even though she doesn't have a good relationship with her family members. No one would believe it if I told them.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Sept 28, 2017 22:12:45 GMT
Hi Polarone..getting over someone we have loved is very hard. What makes it more difficult when that relationship contains abuse is we have become ADDICTED to that individual. I am not surprised she was wonderful in the beginning. ABUSERS are..that is how they hook their victims. Your brain is addicted to her. You crave her, you want her, you feel bad for having these feelings because you know she is not good for you. Substitute "her" for alcohol or cigarettes. It is an addiction and it is very difficult to break free from that. I am not surprised she does great things in the community. Remember..with ABUSERS..it is ALL ABOUT THEM..she has created an image that makes her appear to be a wonderful citizen. AND she probably is..only her motivation behind it isn't because she is a good person..it is because being a "good citizen" and "helping others" makes her look good. It makes people want to be like HER, they want to be around HER, she has people who like HER. It is all about HER. It isn't about being good to others. If she was such a good person, she would not treat you the way she does. She has you believing that no one would believe you because "she is such a good person in the community"..people who do good deeds for strangers wouldn't hurt a fly right? BS. Yes they would and they do. You may have made mistakes in the relationship..we all do. BUT we don't beat up our partners, we don't call them horrific names and we don't threaten to hurt them or their family or tell their secrets to others. SHE IS ABUSIVE. If you read just a few pages of "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft..I promise you, you will begin to see what your partner is really like. Polarone..nothing is going to change in you until you begin to see your partner in a different light. And the only way to do that is to start to learn about her type of personality. Your gut is telling you she is not good in what she does. She has hurt you so badly that she has probably traumatized you into believing that you can't tell anyone what she has done to you. YES you can and you may want to strongly consider this. Her mother being abusive still doesn't give her any right to abuse you or anyone else. I believe you and every victim that has ever posted on this forum believes you. Your partner is wrong. And please don't beat yourself up over wanting to call or that you spoke to her. It is ok. Tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity to start over and not speak to her. It is never too late to go forward. Moving on doesn't happen overnight. It takes time and energy and a lot of self care. I urge you to call a Domestic Violence Hotline. They will understand. They know DV and what it does to people. Give yourself permission to make a phone call and try. You will never know what can happen until you try.
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Moving on
Sept 29, 2017 15:13:46 GMT
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Post by polarone on Sept 29, 2017 15:13:46 GMT
It so hard to accept because a lot of the time she was so nice, would do anything to help, but could turn over absolutely anything and could be very mean and cruel and didn't care about my feelings when I was upset. She would also leave me for days on end and ignore messages and calls when I begged her to speak to me crying but if I didn't answer her when she had done something wrong she would threaten to kill herself or cut herself. She made me feel like I was an awful person just for speaking to her and if I didn't do something she wanted she would say I obviously didn't love her and if I d Didn't do it she would leave me. I feel so ashamed for staying, for contacting her again and feel so angry that she gets to move on with her life and that everyone thinks she is so wonderful after she broke my nose and tried to suffocate me with a pillow and threw me around and everything else she called me. I am seeing a therapist but find myself having panic attacks and nightmares.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Sept 29, 2017 22:23:19 GMT
I suspect you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And she is definitely abusive. And you are right..it is very difficult to accept. They are incredibly nice when you first start out. I met a guy that I became romantically involved with, online. I literally fell in love with this guy before I even met him in person. He was great for about 2-3 months. Then the abuse started. I literally thought I had met my "prince charming". He turned out to be a monster in Prince Charming's clothes. He was abusive to me and I moved in with him after only knowing him for 3 months. I was in the process of leaving my husband at the time and because of that relationship being abusive (I didn't know it at the time) I went right into another one.
ABUSERS are horrible people. The damage they do can take a while to heal from. Your ex is a mess and honestly..if you can stay as far away from her as possible. She tried to kill you.
Please don't beat yourself up over feeling ashamed. Shame is a tough emotion to deal with. I too have had that feeling many times. It takes time to heal, and it is very possible to heal. I don't feel that so much anymore. I have been away from my now ex-husband for almost 4 years..and from the jerk abuser boyfriend for over 3 years.
You are going in a good direction by getting help for yourself. There is a "light" at the end of the dark tunnel you may feel like you are in. It takes time. Don't give up. Take one day at a time, make sure you eat well, and get enough rest. All of that will help you to focus on you and begin to heal.
It will be ok Polarone..it may not seem like it now, but it will. Just give yourself time and be patient with yourself. You didn't cause her to be this way. AND you did nothing to make her treat you the way she did. THIS is all her fault. She is the problem. Not you. You are a survivor.
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Moving on
Sept 30, 2017 20:48:09 GMT
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Post by polarone on Sept 30, 2017 20:48:09 GMT
She always said before me her relationships were good. Then again she was always very secretive and wouldn't talk about her exes. I feel so sad
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Post by polarone on Oct 1, 2017 8:27:57 GMT
Perhaps it was my fault because I made her jealous at the beginning of our relationship and turned her into this horrible person
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Moving on
Oct 1, 2017 19:29:39 GMT
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Post by polarone on Oct 1, 2017 19:29:39 GMT
She wasn't like this with me until I told her things about my past.
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Moving on
Oct 1, 2017 19:30:24 GMT
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Post by polarone on Oct 1, 2017 19:30:24 GMT
She wasn't like this until I opened up to her and told her about my past. She says she was damaged and innocent and that me not being honest with her made her that way.
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Moving on
Oct 1, 2017 19:41:31 GMT
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Post by polarone on Oct 1, 2017 19:41:31 GMT
And vulnerable
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 1, 2017 20:58:35 GMT
Please Polarone...please please please read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?" It will really help you see things differently. Stop beating yourself up and blaming yourself. Of course she was upset..she didn't want to care if you had a past or not. ABUSERS don't care that you have a past or a concern or any feelings. She DID NOT CARE..she was annoyed that you even had the audacity to say something that would upset her. It was all about HER. She didn't care that you had a past that hurt you, she didn't care and she didn't want to listen. YOU DID NOT MAKE HER THIS WAY and yes, she blames you because that is WHAT THEY DO!!!!
READ THAT BOOK..I hear what you are saying. JUST TRY IT polarone. I am sorry if I am being harsh. BUT you are going in circles. You are not getting anywhere.
SHE CHOSE to be like this. YOU DIDN"T CAUSE Her to be a certain way. People are responsible for their own thoughts and feelings. ABUSERS are just that..they are harmful, they are hurtful, and they truly believe that everything they do is OK. IT IS NOT.
Read that book and we can talk more...please.
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Moving on
Oct 2, 2017 14:37:07 GMT
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Post by polarone on Oct 2, 2017 14:37:07 GMT
I can't afford the book right now but I will order it online when I can. I just feel so confused and like this was all my fault, I drove her to it, she seems so innocent and vulnerable, even though she turned so easily and lied so easily. She was always secretive about past relationships and didn't like either of us talking about exes
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Moving on
Oct 2, 2017 15:02:47 GMT
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Post by polarone on Oct 2, 2017 15:02:47 GMT
She said I had been violent to her too. Which I had been. Once the first time when she Slapped me I Slapped her back, after that one time she was screaming abuse at me and I tried to leave her, she then cut herself with a razor and crying to stop me going and I pushed her against a door saying why did you do that, why did you do that? One other time again she was screaming abusive names at me so I picked up the nearest thing to me which was a bag and thew it at her. Other times the violence was all one way, her trapping me in rooms and attacking me with knives and hitting me and pinning me down by my face and I would cry and beg her to stop, she would make me beg her to stop, covering my mouth when I tried to scream and then suffocating me with a pillow. She says that there was no difference between what I did and what she did.
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