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Moving on
Oct 2, 2017 16:08:17 GMT
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Post by polarone on Oct 2, 2017 16:08:17 GMT
She apologised months after break up saying she knew she needed to change and no one could help her but herself, I agreed to give it another chance and meet up with her, when I did it was in a public place, I had a panic attack when I saw her and I said hello and asked how she was, but then she got up and left because she said I was cold to her. She then told me to move on and that we didn't work despite me begging her to speak to me and apologising and I feel so confused like should I have been more friendly and did she think I was rude and perhaps she has changed but rejected me because of my behavior. The only thing she said to me was to make Sure i didn't tell anyone about what happened between us. We both have MS and I dread seeing her in the clinic. I also feel like I can't tell my nurses what I'm going through with the panic attacks in case it gets back to my ex, she has threatened my daughter in the pastor to tell herself if I told anyone or she would just say I am lying, she said that to my face that she would call me a liar. I feel so trapped and like it's my fault and hurt that she told me to move on after all I forgave.
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Moving on
Oct 2, 2017 16:36:28 GMT
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Post by polarone on Oct 2, 2017 16:36:28 GMT
She had never admitted before that she needed help, I feel like I've lost her when she was going to change and it's my fault for not being nicer to her when we met, she does a lot of charity work and it's hard to accept why she was the way she was with me, I feel gutted that perhaps she is going to change and be a better person for someone else and that I've missed an opportunity, there were good times and she seemed so perfect for me.
Apologies my messages seem to be posting separately and not as one
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Moving on
Oct 2, 2017 18:54:32 GMT
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Post by polarone on Oct 2, 2017 18:54:32 GMT
We had broken up and I attempted to work things out, she told me she wasn't sorry and to move on, to then contact me again to apologise and beg to work things out, I didn't want to and was confused after trying to move on and forget all the horrible things she did, so when I met up with her I was cold. She then left me
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Moving on
Oct 3, 2017 17:38:05 GMT
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Post by polarone on Oct 3, 2017 17:38:05 GMT
Was it my fault? It is possible at all to make or push someone to be verbally and physically abusive to you? I tried so hard everyday to make up for my childish behaviour. The more I did for her the more it got worse.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 4, 2017 1:01:51 GMT
Hi..you can get the book from most local libraries. I don't now where you are, but if you have a library nearby, go there and see if you can find the book. Also, if you go to Amazon.com..they have the book and you can actually read a few pages of it without buying it.
Polarone..right now, I am feeling frustrated by your posts. You are stuck and it is very understandable all that you are questioning and doubting in yourself. I feel like I am giving you answers and places to begin looking for the answers and you are not even considering these options. You can continue to keep going in this circle of blaming yourself and thinking that everything you did to her was just as bad as what she did to you and somehow you will find an answer. Going in a circle will only keep you going in a circle.
The answers are there. You have the answers in you and it seems like you keep asking yourself over and over and over again the same questions. Until you are ready to possibly look for a different answer or even ask a different question, nothing is going to be different.
There is always the option to call a National Domestic Violence Hotline and talk directly to a counselor. You can remain anonymous and perhaps get the feedback you need right away.
Why do you keep asking the same questions? Nothing is going to change overnight. Perhaps try and take a break from asking the same question, and begin to accept the answers. NO..IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO MAKE SOMEONE BE VERBALLY ABUSIVE..you did not make her abusive. Period.
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Post by polarone on Oct 4, 2017 6:21:52 GMT
Sorry. Thanks for your help and replying.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 5, 2017 1:29:31 GMT
You are welcome..although, I don't feel like I am helping you very much.
I truly believe that your ex partner abused you. I believe she traumatized you and I believe this has caused you to have some symptoms of PTSD. I am not someone who can diagnose you, but your posts are similar to those who have suffered PTSD.
Please, I don't want you to apologize. My frustration was triggered because I see what you are going through..I have been there. I also know that I got to a point where something had to change. I too went in circles and honestly..it made me "dizzy". I wasn't getting anywhere. I had to begin to face the pain that I was experiencing and begin to figure out if it was them or me. Yes, I could have done things different. BUT..as much as I too believed that I caused it, I learned that I did not.
Perhaps, working on learning this will help. BUT you have to be ready to consider the fact that the person you loved and believed in was not who you thought she was. I had a difficult time believing that of my exes. BUT when I started to really see what they were doing, and the cycle that it was occurring..and I read the book I suggested to you..that was suggested to me...it began to make sense. You are trying to make sense of it all..but at some point, it may be the obvious answer that you know to be true. SHE WAS THE PROBLEM. Blaming yourself..yes, we all do that and have done that. BUT many survivors begin to realize that they could not have caused this...because being a partner to an abuser doesn't cause the abuse. It is the ABUSER who causes it..as they believe that the way they treat you is how you deserve to be treated, how you need to be treated, and how they treat others to get what they want..and what they want is THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS to them.
I can keep telling you the same thing over and over and over again..and you may or may not believe me. Doing things like going to a support group, working with a counselor, beginning to trust yourself, and trust those who are trying to help you..all starts to lead you in the direction of healing and recovering from this.
It takes time. Give yourself time. You are grieving the loss of this relationship, you are still wondering what the heck happened, and wondering if and how you caused this. The answers to these questions can be in many places like books, and with counselors, and with trusted friends and family who will support and love you through this. AND within you.
One day at a time Polarone..begin to gather all the "tools" you can to start to heal. I can't tell you what to do, I can only respond to what I see from your posts and what I have been through. The book I am suggesting is written by a person who has worked with abusers..many of the stories shared in the book are very similar to your story and to my story. I believe that once you begin to read it, you will see a story that matches yours and things will start to make a bit more sense.
I know you are hurting, I know you are questioning, and I did not mean to hurt you or stop you from posting. Please keep posting. I know this is hard to go through..I wish I could make it better for you and spare you the pain of all you are feeling.
We are here to help.
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Post by polarone on Oct 5, 2017 6:56:39 GMT
I know and I apologise as I realise my posts must be frustrating, saying the same thing over and over, I guess it helps to just write it down and post it. I have ordered the book, I just wondered if it was the same principle, because my ex was a woman. You're right... A part of me blames myself because I'm hanging onto the hope that she was the person I thought she was and don't want to let myself believe she was an abuser. It's hard to accept and understand, and I know no one would believe me, as she does things for charity and comes across as so sweet, but behind closed doors she was moody, critical and aggressive and I walked on eggshells the whole time trying to please her and not upset her or do or say something wrong. And the violence happened and then it stopped and I just accepted it, as it was my fault, or that she didn't mean it because she was troubled. I know that if someone had done the things I did or not told me the things I didn't tell her, I wouldn't hit them, or try to kill them, or treat them that way, I just keep telling myself that maybe she was vulnerable and different, and go around in circles. I see a therapist every week which I find helpful, it's just these anxiety attacks that I have are the worst. Thanks again for responding
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 5, 2017 23:37:22 GMT
You are very welcome..and you know what? You are incredibly on target and describe an ABUSER exactly as one is. EXACTLY. I think you will find the book very helpful. And it does hurt. I am not surprised you are having difficulty accepting what she is. It is a really tough thing to grasp. AND I am not one bit surprised that she appears to be a "saint" in the community. All my exes were "charming, and nice, and kind" and at home they were horrible monsters.
The name calling, the confusing thoughts, the manipulation, the walking on eggshells, the up and downs of their moods, one minute they are nice, the next they are ignoring your or giving you the cold shoulder. ALL of this is part of the tactics an ABUSER uses. I have been on the receiving end of all of these and I am stilled shocked some days at all that happened.
One minute my boyfriend is telling me he loves me and wants to marry me, the next he is blaming me for everything, he thinks I am lying to him, he accuses me of trying to get pregnant to trap him (I had my tubes tied and so did he and he thought I was pregnant..I was in menopause and he didn't get it). I had to take a pregnancy test to prove it to him and then he questioned if I was the one taking the test. Then he sends 2 dozen beautiful roses ( I have never been given flowers like that before) and he did it while my whole family was present so they would know. HE DID IT TO IMPRESS THEM AND TO GET PRAISE..he wanted to look good to them and he did. EVERYONE THOUGHT I HAD A GREAT BOYFRIEND...I did not...he treated me horribly when we were home together. To them..he was AWESOME. None of them knew of his accusations. He very subtly asked me the address of where I was going on vacation. I didn't think anything of it. He sent me the flowers after I arrived at the house we had rented..just a few days after we got there. It confused me SO MUCH..how can you claim to love someone, send them flowers, tell them you miss them, then start the accusations and the horrible threats and the name calling all because I hadn't had a cycle and I had told him early in our relationship that if we had met sooner I would have loved to have had a child with him. He put all this together and came to the conclusion that I was trying to trap him. He threatened to kick me out, he told me he would never speak to me again, he told me he wouldn't be responsible, he was HORRIBLE. A few days later, he is telling me he loves me, he can't wait til I get home..I was so upset and confused. AND THIS WENT ON every 3-4 weeks. IT WAS A CYCLE.
I do not believe that the book I suggested matters if you are a gay couple or straight. ABUSE is ABUSE..it doesn't seem to matter much as an abuser can be a man or a woman.
I am glad you see a counselor. I am also glad that writing everything out helps you. I did that too..it helped me a lot. If you want, please keep writing stuff down. Whether on this site or in your own personal journal?" Whatever works for you is what matters.
You will heal Polarone, you will feel better. Be kind to yourself. You sound like a strong, tough, smart lady.
Your ex partner, she is a typical ABUSER. She blames you for causing all this..of course she does..she can't blame herself so you are the one being blamed; She is controlling. AND she has learned over her life time how to get what she wants and that is becoming an abuser.
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Post by polarone on Oct 6, 2017 7:53:51 GMT
It's left me feeling so isolated and alone and paranoid, it's like I don't want to believe any of it was real, it sometimes feels easier to blame myself instead of admitting how the person who was supposed to love me and who I loved abused me and wasn't who I thought they were. It hurts so much to know it was all a lie.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 7, 2017 2:00:20 GMT
Yes, it hurts terribly. I was with a man for 26 years and to admit that it was a lie..incredibly hard. It is easier to blame ourselves because we have been conditioned by the abuser to believe that we are the problem, not them.
Feeling isolated..yes. The abuser very skillfully tries to separate us from people in our lives who we care about. To the abuser...you should not care for anyone but HER. No one else should even be considered and they try and get you to believe that those people will hurt you both as a couple, or they don't like her so therefore you shouldn't have them in your life because you should be loyal only to her. Paranoid..yes. We doubt ourselves tremendously and we don't know who or what to trust.
One thing I have learned in my "journey" to healing...is to trust my "gut". My instincts. AND this is very difficult for victims who have been abused. We have been told that everything we say or do or think is wrong. Completely wrong, or absurd, or we are overthinking (that is my favorite) or we are an embaressment. You get told this enough and we start to believe it. I never learned to trust my inner voice. I ALWAYS relied on my father to tell me what the right thing was to do, I ALWAYS looked for his approval, never learning to trust myself. My father was very controlling..probably borderline abusive. I looked for that in all the guys I dated and found an ABUSER in my now ex-husband. I was looking to replace my father with someone else's approval. My ex husband..oh my gosh...he is so annoying and stupid. I listened to him for a while and then stuff started to be "off". I eventually realized that he didn't have my best interest at heart..it was never about me. ALWAYS HIM. If he didn't want to be bothered, he told me something was needed, or we could survive without it. I learned over time to not listen to him.
Your "gut" is telling you something isn't right. It is going to keep doing this for a while until you start to learn to trust yourself and those people who you were close to. I know you think they won't believe you..but I will bet you that you know someone who has been in an abusive relationship..and you may not know because they too didn't share it with anyone. I was shocked when I found out that in my circle of 6 friends from high school..3 of us have been in abusive relationships. One was scared to death as her then boyfriend almost tried to kill her. We all never really knew because she thought we would think she was making it up. We all know that we can't make this crap up. AND all of our experiences followed a similar pattern.
We believe you. You are telling a truth and it is ok.
Also, you are grieving the loss of what you believed to be. It is like a death. What you thought is no more, what you were hoping for in the future will not be, we grieve and learn to let go of those things. It takes time. It took me probably 2-3 years to grieve my marriage and I still have moments of sadness that it ended. Believe me, I made the right decision to leave, no regrets there, but what I grieve is the ideal that my marriage was supposed to last forever. My ex..he promised to love me forever and he didn't. He promised to take care of me, and he didn't. He promised to cherish me..not even close did he do this. Letting go of those "ideals"..of how I believed my marriage should be..VERY HARD. It hurt. It still stings every now and then..but that pain is fading over time. Now, I am just accepting things as a part of my past. I was angry for a very long time. VERY ANGRY. So we go through many stages of Grief. You can Google "Stages of Grief" and it will explain some of the feelings you are having. It is all part of grieving and dealing with the loss.
Take one day at a time Polarone..let go of yesterday..you can't do anything about that, live in the moment of today, and tomorrow will take care of itself.
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Moving on
Oct 7, 2017 22:15:31 GMT
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Post by polarone on Oct 7, 2017 22:15:31 GMT
Thank you. My therapist really helps. It's so hard to accept that the sweet and innocent and loving person I met four years ago could do those things to me. I feel like i made her that way most of the time and it breaks my heart. Thanks for all your advice.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 8, 2017 18:26:34 GMT
Hi Polarone..it is very difficult to accept and she appeared to be sweet, innocent, and loving. I am sure she was very good at being the way she was. It is learned behavior..some where early in her life she learned that to get what she wants, she has to control, to hit, to hurt, to accuse, etc. This is a lifetime of learning. She also learned that people are not attracted to those who hit, hurt, call others names..so she found a way to be the opposite. It worked, it hooked you.
You didn't make her this way. It is not your fault. You didn't cause her to be this way and I am very sure she would say things like.."well if you didn't do this, or say that, or act this way, or act that way, then I wouldn't have to hit you, or I wouldn't have to ignore you and give you the cold shoulder, I wouldn't have to teach you a lesson". That is abuse. It takes all the responsibility of how she feels and acts off of her and puts it on you. Because in her brain..you are to blame. And every time something happened, she would blame you. Then apologize, then blame herself and say she has to change, and somehow you would feel sorry for her, and just "love" her. This is the "Cycle of violence". AND it happens almost like clockwork. I first learned about this when I was in college and as I look back now, I believe the guy I dated was abusive. That "cycle" happened with him. My most recent boyfriend...it was every 3-4 weeks and after I left and look back..it shocked me at how timely it was. It follows a pattern.
Yes, like you I was not perfect in a relationship. But I never hit anyone, I didn't laugh at someone while they were crying, I didn't use vulgar names and language that makes your skin crawl, yes I was assertive, yes I kept things to myself and then was blamed for being dishonest and keeping secrets. I made mistakes, but I tried to be the best person I could be. The Abuser..didn't really care about me. I am not perfect. I never pretended to be. I am sure you did too. In a healthy relationship..there is open communication, there is support of each other, there is not anger because someone is feeling a certain way, there is understanding, there is compromise on both parts.
Take one day at a time. Honestly, that is sometimes all we can do. Somedays, I just focus on finding a way to love myself, to be happy with who I am. That helps me to feel strong and go forward. If I have that love for me and that ability to care for me? Then I can handle whatever comes my way.
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Moving on
Oct 9, 2017 21:13:29 GMT
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Post by polarone on Oct 9, 2017 21:13:29 GMT
She would always say that loving me/loving some brought out horrible memories and feelings in her and that she didn't know how to have a healthy relationship. Or she would say that the things I did or didn't tell her hurt her and made her feel angry and twisted. It's so hard going from acceptance to blaming myself. Should I have accepted her apology and not been so cold to her when I saw her again?
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karen
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Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Oct 10, 2017 0:41:25 GMT
She is blaming how she feels on what you did or didn't do. And yes, we can all "trigger" things in other people..it is usually done innocently and with no intent on hurting the other person. BUT how she responds is the problem. She says you "made her feel" a certain way, you didn't make her do anything. She is blaming you for all of her problems. She doesn't know how to have a healthy relationship..obviously she doesn't. The problem here is the blaming and that you made her feel a certain way or you made her do something. You can't make her do anything. She CHOSE to react the way she did on purpose.
Accepting an apology is one thing, allowing her to continue to abuse you is another. The problem with ABUSERs is we don't just accept the apology, we allow them back into our lives and this gives them MORE opportunity to abuse us. I promise you..you could accept the apology and then she will try and get your forgiveness and make you feel guilty and the next thing you know..you are not listening to your gut and she has wiggled her way back into your life and it starts all over again. AND she tries to KILL you again. She feels remorse, and she promises to do better and to never hurt you again and that she has changed. NO SHE HASN'T. The promises are empty. And she will prove to you how hurtful she can be by abusing you again.
Being "cold" as you say..isn't a bad thing. You have set a boundary or a limit and you stuck to it. ABUSERs don't want you to have boundaries or limits. I know you may have felt that you were "cold" to her..but being firm can be a really good thing.
This is hard Polarone..very hard. We have so much doubt inside us, we don't know what is right and what isn't. My ex boyfriend contacted me after 5 months of basically ignoring me after he kicked me out of house. He met someone else very quickly and I suspect on Valentine's Day she was ignoring him or he was bored and he sent me an e-mail using the excuse "I just wanted to see if this e-mail still was good?" REALLY? I was vulnerable and started to converse with him via texting and e-mail. He told he me changed, he blamed his behavior on the fact that he had just gotten out of his marriage and it shocked him (bull crap..he cheated on his wife with me), and that my husband at the time was getting away with stuff and he felt hurt that I wasn't letting him get away with stuff. It was everyone else's fault that he treated me so horribly. He apologized. I basically told him that I had to go and couldn't continue the conversation. I was falling for him..thinking that we could get back together. That little bit of a break that I took? Something happened and the next thing I know he told me to forget it..and I got so angry with him I basically told him to never contact me again. The name calling started, he accused me of being a fake Christian because I wouldn't forgive him. And on and on it went. What started out as an "innocent--just wanted to see if the e-mail still worked"..ended up being another opportunity to hurt me. And he did. A month later he was engaged to the girl he met 4 weeks after he and I broke up. They were both incredibly nasty when I contacted her and tried to warn her. It was so hurtful to me and I was a mess for a bit.
The only person who can answer your question is you. My answer if I asked myself that question would be no..I wouldn't accept the apology and I wouldn't even respond. I learned the hard way. I will never speak to that guy again. NEVER. The next time I would even consider seeing him is if he died. He will never be given another chance to abuse me. My gut told me not to respond and I didn't listen. What does your gut tell you? Your inner voice is telling you whether you should have accepted her apology.
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Moving on
Oct 10, 2017 7:32:52 GMT
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Post by polarone on Oct 10, 2017 7:32:52 GMT
It sounds exactly like my situation. I broke up with my ex, not even after she tried to kill me and then came after me crying and saying she was going to kill herself if anyone found out but when she was cruel to my daughter. I feel so much guilt in then trying to get back with her, she ignored me, as did your ex for months, and I was trying to move on and feel better, only for her out of the blue to get back in touch apologising and saying she would get help. I fell for it, even sending her a present in the post to congratulate her on her new job, and when I saw her again I swore I'd keep my cool and not be all over her, not to punish her, but to show her I wasn't OK with all that she had done and I wouldn't just slip back into our relationship like nothing had happened. She walked out on me and told me not to contact her again. Like a fool, I did, only to be rejected and then warned as she cried to not tell anyone about her and what she had done. We both have MS and I dread seeing her at the clinic. I had a panic attack last time I was there and I'm so afraid that I can't even tell my nurses or GPs what is going on in case it got back to her and she hurt herself or me or my daughter. It's horrible. At least I have my therapist. My ex works for a charity and does so much good for everyone. No one would believe me anyway. It seems all of our stories are so similar.
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karen
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Post by karen on Oct 12, 2017 2:15:07 GMT
They are "experts" at being model citizens and caring for everyone else. All of my exes were "so kind and wonderful" people. NO THEY WEREN'T.
They want to look good to everyone else..it is also a bit of a set-up. I mean that they have created this facade, one that makes them look so good and so kind, how could they possibly abuse you? You must be making it up.. "he is so nice, she is so giving and wonderful". The motivation behind them being "good" and "model citizens" is to make themselves LOOK GOOD..it is all about them. They don't really care about their charity or doing something good for someone else. AND..it also sets it up to look like you are the problem, you are the reason they are so horrible, because if they were so horribly wouldn't it be to everyone? Of course not. That is all part of the game.
My ex boyfriend..he was great at his job, he was so talented in his music group that he belonged too and a great guy who throws great parties. I basically did most of the work and played "hostess" for him when he had all of his music buddies over one time. I prepared most of the food, I organized it, and he took all the glory. Because I didn't play a guitar like them..I really wasn't included. Everyone thought he was so good,,they didn't believe me when I told them what he was really like. Of course..he also talked about all of them behind their backs, criticized their playing, etc. I remember too how funny it was that he spent a ton of money on alcohol for this party...no one drank any of it and he was so pissed at them. "They drink at every other party and then come here and don't drink, I spent a ton of money and they are all idiots and prudes". He ended up drinking it all later..and his under age son drank it too..but the point is..he bought it so he could look good, so they would all think he was such a great cool host. It wasn't about trying to make sure he had something for everyone.
I have faith though in most people that they will believe me. Domestic Violence happens way too often and as I said before, I would bet that they know someone who has been through a similar experience. I believe just about every person who tells me they are in a bad relationship. Victims don't make this stuff up. ABUSERS make it up and they do it because THEY want to be seen as the victim, not the abuser that they are. ABUSERs accuse others of that which they are doing themselves. My ex would accuse me of lying when he was the one doing all the lying.
Yes, our stories are very similar. I know you are afraid to tell the nurses and the GP. BUT it is important as they need to know your whole health history in order to help you continue to heal. Professionals are trained to be neutral. They don't judge (decent ones anyway) and it is their job to help you. They can't help if they don't have all the facts. The stress from this type of situation is very detrimental to our overall health. We don't always feel the effects of stress on our bodies..but it can make MS worse. In my profession, I am trained to report abuse, I am trained to listen and support..not judge and accuse someone of lying. It is ok to trust some one who can help. I know it is risky to try and trust others, but you may be pleasantly surprised at how supportive people can be.
One day at a time..you got this!
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Moving on
Oct 12, 2017 2:52:49 GMT
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Post by sarah on Oct 12, 2017 2:52:49 GMT
WELL said Karen..I have read this thread and not really responded Polarone because Karen is telling you the right things and it would only be repeated. I too have trust issues-it was really bad at one point,but you do have to open up-especially to trained professionals/GP's to get the right help.What helped me was writing it down on paper and passing it the Doctor..that was because I knew I wouldn't be able to get out what I wanted to and become a blubbering wreck so how I felt and what I was going through was noted down..so glad I did that.I got given medication and access to therapy and now I can talk to the people I need to with ease because now they KNOW.And it was a relief.
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Post by polarone on Oct 12, 2017 12:10:11 GMT
It's so hard. I feel like i make my peace with I didn't deserve it and then I begin to question myself again, was I really abused and manipulated, was it my fault for lying about my past, did I make my ex abusive, were they genuinely sorry when they said they were
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Moving on
Oct 13, 2017 1:39:31 GMT
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Post by sarah on Oct 13, 2017 1:39:31 GMT
That's because you've been CONDITIONED to doubt yourself.I went through exactly the same feelings with my ex and I'm sure all of us victims/survivors have.Like Karen said,it's part of the cycle of abuse. Have you managed to start educating yourself on that?Because the more you learn about it the more it makes sense.There is plenty of information on the Internet about abuse..please start learning about it. About not revealing your past..there is no rule out there that says you have to disclose anything to anyone.. you did and you was well within your right to do so at the time you felt was right..unfortunately this was used against you..again,another tactic used by abusers and again,I/we have all suffered with that form. YOU DID NOT MAKE HER ABUSE YOU.THAT WAS HER CHOICE TO ABUSE YOU.YOU ARE THE VICTIM HERE.She's a victim too by her own circumstances but instead of seeking help she took it out on you and that is WRONG.Your head is fuddled at the moment-and that is normal considering the circumstances but you now need to concentrate on YOU and healing from this.
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