need help

Hi Sonshine...welcome here! I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you to this site. It is horrible what you have been through. I am very happy for you that you found the courage and strength to be free of your ex partner. I was in a relationship for 26 years..dated for 6 married for 20. I was never raped..but sex was a "weapon" my ex used at times to try and manipulate me. I can't imagine what you have been through.

As Sarah stated..I too would suggest calling a National Domestic Violence Hotline and you can speak to a counselor there and remain anonymous. They can give you guidance of options and support in your area. If you feel open to it, I would also suggest finding a therapist or counselor that you can have 1:1 counselling with. I have a local DV center in the city I live in, they had free 1:1 counselling and I have taken advantage of that and it helped me tremendously.

One thing you mentioned that struck me is the thoughts about being in another relationship. My initial thought is ..don't. For now, focus on you. Only focus on who you are, what you have been through, how to heal and how to find your "new normal". You have had a significant amount trauma,you have also suffered a lot of loss. There is grieving that occurs, there is a feeling of "abandonment"..not just physically but emotionally. There is so much going on inside your head and heart right now, perhaps give yourself time to be free of a relationship?

One thing that I find often is victims don't give themselves time to really heal. I know..I did it myself. I went from an abusive marriage right into a relationship that I thought I had found "prince charming". He turned out to be WORSE than my ex-husband. I experienced more trauma with him in 1 year, than I did in my 26 year relationship with my ex husband.

Really give yourself an opportunity to learn to love YOU. I don't mean being selfish in a bad way..I mean learn who you are..not who others want you to be.

You will heal, there really may come a day in the future where you will want to be intimate with a man again. BUT..only you can decide when that time will be and don't rush. Right now, statistically you are at high risk for getting into another abusive relationship. HIGH RISK. There are nice guys out there. I was alone for 7 months before I met my current partner. Honestly, it wasn't enough time in between. I am still healing even almost 3 years later. It is a process. AND I had some very difficult issues to resolve and I was blessed with a guy who understands abuse and healing (his mother abused him emotionally and still does). On some level we did some healing together, but for the most part, we both focus on ourselves. We don't live together, and we probably won't for a while. We probably won't get married either. I have no desire to be married again. Once was enough.

So, if you do nothing else..focus on you. There are also a few books I would recommend, Steve McCrea..wrote a great book called "Jerk Radar"..he posts on this forum and many of his stories in his book come from women here. Also, "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker..great book for learning how to listen to that inner voice..our "gut". "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft..the BIBLE of Domestic Violence in my opinion. Many have read this book here and it helps us to really understand what happened. Knowledge is Power..learn and live.

There is hope Sonshine..always. Everyday I wake up and I thank the Good Lord above that I am FREE..I am free to do whatever I want, when I want, with whom I want, how I want, and if I want. EVERYDAY..it is the best feeling in the world. NO ONE will ever take that away from me ever again.

Keep going forward..one day at a time.