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Post by thesadnessinme on Nov 19, 2017 16:40:58 GMT
Hello, I think some of you may remember me. I am too depressed to repeat my story but I'm still with the person who I managed to break free from for a few weeks. Just had an incident, I wondered if anyone reading can tell me if this is abuse or just me overreacting once again? I think I brought it on myself, as I sadly do sometimes. It's so petty, the light has gone in our bedroom and as we're in the UK shops close at 4pm today and I'm not well so didn't get the chance to get a lightbulb to replace it. I'm not bothered but my partner is, although last night he said he wasn't and so this is why I reacted. He came in and said, quite abruptly that he needed one of the lights from the two lamps in our living room. He's also ill with same virus as me and in a BAD mood today. I said, also a bit abruptly, could he please not have either as the main bright light doesn't work either (landlord issues) and we need the two lamps. He said no, he needs one and went and took one out. I asked if he could take the other one and he started swearing at me and raising his voice. This is something he RARELY does anymore, if ever. He was swearing at me and pretty much shouting, enough that our son came out his room to ask whats going on. My partner said to him that mum has caused an argument and been pathetic and is a fucking arsehole. I didn't say much as its not fair on my son, and have since apologised to him and to my partner. He said I'm pathetic for being so over the top about a light! He's right - what is wrong with me? I said yes it's definitely my fault and that I'm sorry and him shouting at me is my fault too - he said he didn't shout at all and that I'm imagining it and that I have serious issues. Then he said (very sarcastically) "Oooh it's abuse, oh no what an abuser I am, oh no you must be so scared!!!" - this is because I've told him he's abusive before which he's got extremely angry and offended by and his family have also said I'm out of order for accusing him of that and that he's in no way abusive but if anything, I am. Once again, it's me feeling like crap, feeling guilty for causing all of this and for upsetting my precious son who I love so so much I've apologised but my partner is still so angry and says I've made him feel even more ill. Just so confused. Can anyone give their thoughts and hello to those I know on here.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Nov 19, 2017 17:47:28 GMT
Hi Sadness..I remember you. Welcome back, so sorry your partner is being difficult.
First, I do not think you are overreacting, I do not think this is all your fault, and I suspect you feel guilty because your partner is abusive and continues to tell you it is your fault because he is NEVER the problem you are. The fact that he "rarely" swears or raises his voice does not exempt him from being abusive. My ex-husband never cursed at me, but he was incredibly abusive and manipulative. You also can't make someone shout at you..he chose to respond the way he did because he could.
Also, you feel ill as well, not just him. I don't see him trying to do anything to prevent you from feeling worse. The fact that he mocks you..also a sign that he does not respect you. This whole incident between you both is typical of someone who is selfish and only cares about himself. He wasn't willing to compromise. He blamed you for being picky about a lamp and he was doing the exact same thing.
Sadness, you don't deserve to be treated the way he treats you. We have a tendency to explain it away, meaning we talk ourselves into blaming ourselves, to minimizing what happened and that he was innocent.
Are you happy? Is this the kind of guy you want to be with forever? This is only one instance, he will continue to be nasty..with many moments of "goodness" in between so you will continue to stay with him.
Did he apologize? Probably not right? Because he doesn't think he did anything wrong. It takes two people to argue. To me, he is at fault.
I know you feel bad, but is this really the way you want to live your life? He isn't going to stop being nasty..it will get worse, it always does.
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Post by thesadnessinme on Nov 19, 2017 18:42:59 GMT
Hi Karen, so lovely to hear from you. How are things, how are your daughters doing? I really appreciate your kind words, I remember our chats well, and will always be so grateful to you for all the advice you gave me.
You are of course, absolutely spot on in what you say. I did say to him that he chose to shout at me, but he insists he didn't and that he just 'raised his voice' which is significantly different.. I have apologised a few times now, I asked that he apologises to our son for the disruption and he has said no, not a chance, that it was me who caused him to get annoyed so he was simply reacting to me and of course - I made him do it.
Yes I feel ill as well, and have had an ear infection for two weeks now, yet when he's ill he expects to be able to stay in bed and be exempt from any family or household duties. As you said, with him there is no compromise.
No, I'm not happy and haven't been for a long time. There are two reasons why I stay -
1. My son doesn't want to leave his dad, I've tried and he gets so upset and I am not leaving him, I just can't.
2. Trauma bonding, which I've read a lot about and believe I've definitely got that and so it's hard to imagine my life without him even though I hate him at the same time.
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Post by thesadnessinme on Dec 2, 2017 22:57:50 GMT
Just need to type out my thoughts, not expecting any replies but am struggling very much.
I suffer badly with migraines and my partner actually used to be very understanding about this but over the past few months he's become so so selfish and I've especially noticed lately his moods are really odd...he's having horrific mood swings and can seem like a different person from one day to the next.
I came home today with an extreme migraine, it was at the back of my head which are the worst ones, with severe nausea and was close to throwing up. I took my migraine medication which in itself causes some horrible symptoms and it wasn't working. I told him I needed to go to bed, for one hour to sleep as I knew that would probable sort me out, it usually does. He said no!!! That he needed to use our room to play guitar (he's a musician) and that I'd have to go to sleep in the living room on one of our cramped two seater sofas.
I actually begged - I begged to have our room for ONE hour and he refused, he was so incredibly moody and had zero sympathy. I said to him but I'm in agony here, and he said 'well you shouldn't have gone out today should you'. I had taken my two nephews out for the day and it was wonderful but I'd unfortunately got the migraine while out. He doesn't bother with his family (except parents) so can't understand why I'd voluntarily see mine, especially children as he hates them.
He's been angry and pissed off with me all evening, even though I did as I was told and slept on the sofa til I felt ok. He is like a sociopath, I've tried explaining how bad I felt and it's as though I've done something wrong somehow. He's not currently speaking to me, when I said how I felt, in pain etc there was no response from him, no facial expressions at all, he just kept saying he needed to play guitar so it's tough.
don't know why I expect any different anymore, this happens more and more lately and usually I end up apologising to him EVERY single time, I don't want to this time even though I know that's what he's probably waiting for and expecting.
Did I do something wrong? I doubt myself now and feel I was maybe selfish and he also said it's no different being in the other room and said I was being awkward demanding the bed. Ugh, I am so down.
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Post by Been There on Dec 8, 2017 19:34:52 GMT
Hey thesadnessinme,
"I did as I was told" is not you being a part of a loving, equal relationship. Your gut is screaming at you, telling you that something is VERY wrong. LISTEN TO IT!!! You are not the problem, and you did nothing wrong. He wants you to think that you are, however, and will do everything in his power to make you think so.
As for your fears of leaving: Of course your son is going to get upset if you leave his father - you're disrupting his world - but consider the alternative. He will continue to be raised in an abusive household. Even if his father is not directly abusing him, he has been experiencing it vicariously all along, and will continue to do so as long as you remain with his father. Boys who observe their fathers abusing their mothers run a higher risk of growing up to abuse their own families. And who's to say that one day his father won't turn his abuse onto him? It's something to consider.
You can get past trauma bonding. Not easy for any of us to do, but if you value a better life for you and your son free from your abuser and from his abuse, you'll summon up every ounce of courage that you don't even think you have and you'll do it. It will be petrifying, I won't sugarcoat it. Please contact a local DV organization to help you. The longer you are without your abuser the stronger you will become, and you'll be surprised to find out that, yes, you are quite strong and capable and CAN take care of yourself without him.
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Post by thesadnessisme on Dec 15, 2017 23:34:12 GMT
Hi Been There, thanks so much I've only just seen this. I appreciate it, I'll read this a few times. I'm struggling so much tonight, I just CAN'T do it I tried, about 30 mins ago I said to my son lets just go now but he won't go anywhere. Also my partner could turn violent, I wouldn't be shocked. All I can say is I know I seem like a bad mother but I'm trying I promise you I'm trying.
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Post by thesadnessinme on Nov 7, 2018 20:34:17 GMT
Sorry to bump this but though it was better than starting a new thread and explaining all over again, I can’t believe how horrendous I feel inside can someone please tell me possibly if these things are common in an abusive relationship? Because STILL there are huge doubts as he’s so reasonable and nice sometimes and it’s genuine too, not an act. Anyway these are my ‘things’ right now:
- I’ve almost completely cut myself off from the few friends I have and some family. - I hate washing my hair or any other beauty jobs like nails etc because it feel like a massive chore. - I feel angry and bitter and jealous of anyone in a loving relationship. - I’m never happy. - I comfort eat to fill a void in me. - I have an (under control) opiate dependency. - All I feel most days is sadness and regret. - I suffer horrendous mood swings and can get so upset very quickly but then it goes to calm and almost euphoric after a few hours. - I hate sex and never ever want it, and if I ever was to free myself of the hell im in I would want to be celibate forever. My body and my soul are ugly and disgusting. - I have no energy most days.
I’m a long term abuse victim - if it is abuse - it’s been almost 15 years on and off, can anyone tell me if any of the above may be as a result of this or if it’s something else? Thanks so much and hello if you remember me.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Nov 8, 2018 1:54:53 GMT
Hi Sadness..yes I remember you! Welcome back!
I have a few thoughts about what you have posted. The very first thing that comes to my mind is that your partner is abusing you and has been for a while. All of those things you posted are the result of being in an abusive relationship. I went back and looked a bit at your past posts.
Sadness, he is ABUSING YOU! He hasn't stopped. It can be very subtle, but all the things you mentioned in your previous posts are signs of abuse. AND all the things you posted just now are the result of being abused. I suspect you are experiencing depression as well. AGAIN..a result of being abused.
I can tell you so many times that he is abusing you..but it won't mean anything until YOU decide that this man is not good for you. I suspect that if you left him, there is a good chance, with counselling and support, that some of these things you are suffering from would diminish. * comfort eating is a sign of depression. Depression comes from being abused. * An opiate dependency probably started out because of chronic pain. It also probably helped you to feel better physically. AND it took away some of the hurt from your partner. * Sadness and Regret..symptoms of being abused. * your mood swings can be from years and years of being ABUSED!! Your heart and mind can only take so much, your brain doesn't know how to regulate your moods. * Hating sex is part of low self esteem and that you have a partner who probably isn't helping you to enjoy it. If your partner puts you down, demands that "HIS" wants and needs be satisfied first and he doesn't really care about your needs? He is ABUSING you..having a loving kind gentle partner who truly loves you and puts your first? That would help you enjoy sex more. I suspect most of this is because of your partner. * Having no energy is part of depression which stems from years of being ABUSED.
Sadness, it is abuse. Your partner is abusing you, he was back when you first posted and he still is. He isn't going to stop. The on and off..it is all part of the "cycle of abuse". There are articles on this forum that talk about this "cycle". Off..is when he is happy and loving and kind, "on" is when he is agitated, abusing you, complaining, picking on you. It is a cycle. AND IT WON"T stop until you decide to stop it.
Sadness, at some point, when you are ready, I would highly suggest you talk to a counselor at your local Domestic Violence Center. He is abusing you. I believe your "GUT" is telling you this, but also not being able to trust ourselves, or trust that inner voice..that is all fallout from abuse. He has made you believe that you cannot listen to your own instincts. ALL PART OF ABUSE!!
Sadness, he is ABUSIVE!!!! He is abusing you. AGAIN..the only thing that matters here though, is you deciding whether you want to believe it or not. Believe it..walk away and don't look back. You can heal, you can go forward, you can be very different. You don't have to live this way Sadness..you don't. You are not "doing" any of this to yourself on purpose.
HE IS ABUSING YOU..IT IS ABUSE. That is the bottom line.
I am so sorry you are feeling all of this and it is hurting you still.
Hugs to you sadness..sending you a hug! Karen
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Post by thesadnessinme on Nov 8, 2018 19:55:11 GMT
Hello Karen, thank you SO much for replying and I'm touched you remember me. You helped me get through such an awful time 3 years ago and I will never forget that kindness. You know, all of your message resonates, it honestly does. I KNOW the things you're saying are true and yet there's a part of my brain which won't allow me to accept it and I can't make that part of me listen. It's all to do with my son, it's all linked in with him - do you remember me talking about him? Well he's 15 now and my gosh...things aren't good at all. My partner wants him to be just like him and so encourages this, he left school a year ago and isn't receiving any education now, he sleeps through the day and is up at night, he doesn't help me at home, he barely goes out. How familiar and no surprise I'm sure Anyway it's out of my hands now, we have been referred to social services, you call it child services I think in the US. So they will now see exactly what's going on and whether this is ok or not. Of course my partner will say they are working for the government and therefore not to trusted and liars etc. He will NEVER EVER accept that anything he does is less than perfect. The only reason I'm still here is because I'm not leaving my son and he won't come with me anywhere - plus my partner wouldn't let me take him and truth be told I'm scared of what he may do. Thanks for listening, if nothing else it helps to get everything down on here.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Nov 11, 2018 19:41:56 GMT
Hey Sadness, Social Services or Child Services, they are going to do an investigation. Your son has dropped out of school. At 15, he is almost able to make his own life choices..good or bad. What made your son quit school? Your partner supports him not needing an education? What does your partner want his son to do? Is he working?
I know you don't want to leave, I completely understand and get what you are saying. AND..I completely understand that you KNOW what is going on here. It is really really HARD to let ourselves BELIEVE that they are ABUSERS..they are part evil and that is so hard. Yes, it is traumatic bonding, but, that doesn't mean you have to stay. The fact that your son is not going to school, tells me he is listening to your partner and at this point I am not sure you are going to be able to influence what your son chooses to do. Most kids don't want to go to school and how great is it that a parent says "Hey, it is OK, you don't have to go to school!" Your partner is not "parenting" your son, he wants your son to be on "his" side, he wants to be the "fun" Dad. And he is succeeding at this. He isn't doing what is best for your son, he is doing what will make HIM feel good and he is using your son to accomplish that.
Sadness, I know you feel helpless, that you can't do much to change your life. I know you are afraid. And I get that you won't leave without your son. I hope someday your situation changes and you are able to walk away from this jerk. Once your son is 18, I would walk out and never look back. Be careful when Social Services arrives, your partner will abuse you for ANY sign you give them that he is the problem behind all of this. Your silence will SAY a huge amount to the investigators.
Glad we can be here to listen and support you. I have to admit, it is very hard for me to not tell you to leave. Living with abuse is horrible as you know. Your health is going to continue to deteriorate. Maybe, talk to a counselor and start to make a plan. How to get yourself healthy, to feel better and to empower you to plan for the day your son is no longer under your custody or your partners'. 3 years may seem long, but on the other hand, it gives you lots of time to figure out your life going forward.
Start planning Sadness..this may give you some hope and something to work towards to take control of your life and work towards a better well-being
Karen
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Post by thesadnessinme on Nov 13, 2018 23:04:16 GMT
Hi Karen, apologies as I've only just seen this reply. Wow, so much wisdom spoken here...there's one sentence in particular that made my blood run cold: "He isn't doing what is best for your son, he is doing what will make HIM feel good and he is using your son to accomplish that." And this, right here, is what I have been feeling for a very long time but not able to put into words, you've said it perfectly.
If you wouldn't mind, could you elaborate about it? Just because it's really helping me to get my head around it by seeing the words right in front of me, words I can't articulate.
You know, during an argument a couple of weeks back, my partner told me to lay off our son and said I'm being very annoying to him and that in a couple of years he won't want to know me, but he will ALWAYS want his dad because he doesn't hassle or nag him. I think it was in relation to education and I was saying that our son needs to be learning something. I'm completely on my own with that, the two of them are highly against organised education and 'the system'.
My son quit school because he was being bullied quite severely, every day. And I was constantly being called into meetings because of his lateness, he was going in late because he hated going and delayed it as much as possible. He was coming home sad and scared every day, he hated the teachers, the routine, the work. In the end I felt it might be better for him if he was at home, at least then he wouldn't be around nasty vile kids who called him names. The school were aware of the bullying but powerless to stop it from what I saw. As for what my partner wants him to do, he has one answer: be happy. But he also has very strong views about people who are 'slaves to the government' and work full time jobs, he ridicules them and says they are to be pitied. This must have had an effect on my son growing up, and I can see it happening in slow motion but can't stop it - he is getting to be like his dad.
You're so right what you say, my logical brain is working well I can see and feel that none of this is right but yes it's the believing it that I can't do, there's so many parts of me that say I've also caused my son's many issues and that I am too anxious, on his case too much, too needy. So I have huge self doubts.
My health is getting worse you're right, mental and physical, social as well. I'm a shell of the person I was, I look forward to eating, sleeping and taking my tablets and that's about it! Each day is a strategic battle to get through it alive and onto the next one which is usually exactly the same.
I do think ahead and try to plan as you suggested, that does help in a lot of ways but also make me feel so sad too. I will miss our family times as ridiculous as that is, I love my son with everything that I have and am, the thought of him growing up and not needing me anymore breaks my heart and I sit and cry thinking of our past times.
Thank you Karen, it means so much that you understand my pain and don't judge me.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Nov 14, 2018 3:14:43 GMT
Hey Sadness..I will definitely elaborate.
What your partner is doing is using your son to feed your partners' need to have someone look up to him, or praise him, or worship him. He wants your son to be that person to worship him. So how does he do this? He gives your son ANYTHING he wants, he tells him that being educated is not necessary, he makes it sound glamorous to be different, to not go with the crowd, to stand up for what you believe in, to go against the government, to do whatever makes one feel good, instead of doing what is good to help us grow as human beings. Your partner tells your son everything he wants to hear. Your partner has "hooked" your son, just like your partner did to "hook" you when you and he first started dating and eventually staying together.
I believe that we as parents (mothers and or fathers) are obligated to do what is best for our children. We are responsible as the guardian of our kids. I also can see that your son was not in a good situation at school and the school administration failed him by not dealing with the bullying. That is wrong. Removing him from school may have been a good idea, but him not being educated is against the law in many states. It is a law that children be given every opportunity to be educated. It doesn't matter so much how this is done..either home school, or online, or in a public or private school setting. We are obligated to take care of our children and teach them right from wrong, good from bad, and all the things they learn from school. Until they are able to learn on their own, to be mature enough to live their own lives. Your partner is giving your 15 year old too much independence to make his own decisions. Not all 15 year olds are mature enough to make good decisions. Your partner has clearly influenced your son in his way of thinking. Your son does not have to be like his father. BUT..he has nothing in his life (other than you) to tell him that his father's ways may not be a good way.
What values do you have that you want your son to have? Maybe be a law abiding citizen? Perhaps earn a living and contribute something to this world we live in? Maybe not take from society despite believing that he is entitled to it? To be taught that not all humans are bullies? That one can be kind and gentle and respectful of others? Your partner wants none of these "good" things for your son. Your partner wants... TOTAL DEVOTION and AGREEMENT with him. BECAUSE to your partner,,,there is no other option. You and your son SHOULD only be concerned with your partner and what he wants or needs. You and your son DO NOT MATTER except to be a source of meeting every want, desire, whim, or craving that your partner has. AND your partner is willing to sacrifice your son to get what your partner wants. We all want approval from someone that what we are doing and feeling is ok. Your partner wants your son to be on your partners' SIDE. YOur partner wants a follower and he is grooming your son to be just that.
That argument you had with your partner about how your son will eventually not want to be in your life, that he will hate you because of your nagging and such? My ex=husband tried that same argument with me. He said several horrible things to me, threatening that if I didn't do what he wanted, he would turn my kids against me, that because of who I was a person and how "controlling I was"..my kids would hate me and cling to my now ex. Turns out, my kids see right through my ex-husband. Their father. THEY SEE THE ABUSE, and my ex was the FUN PARENT. He let my kids do anything they wanted, he didn't like structure, or rules, or schedules. BUT my kids needed all of that. He and I used to argue a lot because I wanted to discipline our kids, he let them get away with anything and ONLY disciplined them when it bothered HIM. WHEN IT BOTHERED HIM. Meaning if the kids were getting on his nerves, he would lash out at them. BUT,,he would then want to be their best friend by bringing them gifts home from work, taking them where ever they wanted to go, he later stole money from them, he yelled at them and blamed them for mistakes they made for example "losing their money". They didn't lose it, he took it. BUT..he claims to love them..yeah right.
My point is, your partner isn't being your sons' father. He wants to be his friend, and by all standards, we can't be our kids friend. Doesn't mean we can't be close to them, but it means we have to do what is best for them. In the true sense of the meaning of love, we have to put what is best for our children FIRST, before our own needs. YOUR partner is not doing that. If he did, your son would still be in school.
Those good times and your past times with your son are precious memories. Your son will always need you in some capacity. Please remember..you have not caused your son to have issues. Your son is a victim of abuse just as you are. And missing those family times? Yes, that can happen, the goal though, going forward, can be for you and your son to find ways to make new memories. He is going to grow up, the question is, can you help him to not treat girls/women the way your partner treats you? That is what really matters'
I know this is not easy. I Know you are not happy. My hope is that you will see at some point that you can be happy. That your partner is not the only person on this earth for you. That there is someone out there who can be nice and kind and treat you with respect.
Also, if you ever do want to leave, you will be sending a message to your son that you are strong and brave and you are not going to live with a bully any longer. YOu will show your son what it means to really stand up for what is right. Thinking of you Sadness. We are still here and can help with whatever you need! Karen
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Post by thesadnessinme on Jan 16, 2019 19:13:41 GMT
Hi Karen and anyone else who may be reading this.
Karen - I can only apologise once again for not responding to your amazing post. I just haven’t had the strength. I can promise you though that it’s stuck with me and is so wise, I’ve actually read it to a few people including my sister and the people I’ve seen at Women’s aid, the domestic abuse charity here.
I have tried a couple more times to leave, It all comes back to the same predicament - I’m not leaving my son with him, and he refuses to come with me. Things have got very bad and Just need to get my thoughts out here and if anyone has any advice I’d be beyond grateful.
The mental health place that my son was under made a referral to child services and so did my dad. My partner recently found out, I had to tell him because they wanted to see him, and my dad actually told him that he had made the referral. This has caused days of my partner being angry, nasty, manic, spiteful, erratic, - he doesn’t understand why we would need their help or why they’d be concerned, he thinks everything is fine and that he’s educating our boy to the best of his ability.
My dad was arrested and sent to prison for two months several years ago for having indecent child images on his computer. He claimed and has claimed over the years that is was a set up, he was framed etc but his story has been a bit dubious. We tried to support him because he was very depressed after all this, and to be fair to my partner, he’s tried to be kind to my dad and compassionate despite this, although he’s found it very difficult.
Now my dad has done this (called CS) and my partner has exploded, saying how dare HE have the audacity to report him after what he’s done. I’ve had days of hearing my dad called the most vile disgusting names and my partner says he is now banned from coming here, from seeing our son at all and what’s more, he’s going to tell our son all about it. I don’t think my son will ever speak to me again once he finds out I kept this from him.
I’m so depressed have been suicidal and had to go to the doctors this morning because I was in such a state and been diagnosed with severe stress. I’m not in a good or even ok place at all. We have to see a social worker tomorrow - just me and partner - and he’s planning on pushing the focus onto my dad and the things he did, and on things my mother also did - she hit me once as a child, and he’s going to tell this woman that I’m mentally unstable (which I am) and incompetent and not to be trusted as a sane rational parent.
It’s all so horrific and I’m not coping, I’d be grateful for any words of comfort.
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Post by thesadnessinme on Jan 16, 2019 19:55:42 GMT
Sorry I’ve just reread one of my posts from a while ago and I did actually mention about social services already. I totally forgot that I’d written that
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Post by thesadnessinme on Jan 17, 2019 17:36:45 GMT
I also found out today that I was in some of the pictures. He must have been trading pics of me (oh and my sister) with others like him. feel sick.
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Post by thesadnessinme on Jan 21, 2019 14:54:46 GMT
Anyone at all?? I’m feeling so desperate.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jan 21, 2019 16:25:05 GMT
Hey Sadness, no need to apologize for not responding. Take your time, reply when you want, when it is safe and whatever works for you.
From what you posted, your father seems like he is "trying to do the right thing"..he also could very well just be wanting to cause a problem and get to your partner for whatever reason.
Sadness, I am not sure what to say about your situation. First, you need help and support, and I know you know this. I will support you, I just don't know how to help you live with an abusive man, a son who wants to be like his father and you are caught between the two of them.
My gut tells me, the ONLY thing that is best at this point is for you to leave. I clearly get that you won't leave your son, but your son is almost able to make his own life choices.
You may have to walk away and get yourself better, so you can then deal with all that is happening. Your partner is NOT going to change, he is not going to make anything easy for you, your father, and he probably is going to tell "half truths", to the Social Worker at CS. He is going to place blame everywhere except at himself and that is where the blame truly lies.
Sadness, what do you want? What do you truly want? Because if you want to get better, to help yourself cope better, to not commit suicide, then you need to LEAVE. You need to walk away and focus on YOU. You are going to self-destruct and that is NOT good. I don't want you to do anything to hurt yourself. BUT, from what I see, I don't see too many other answers other than you focusing on YOU> YOU> YOU>
Sadness, you deserve to be healthy, to live each day and want to live!
Your son and your partner are not going to change. AND Sadness, you CANNOT change them.
I know walking away will cause a lot of stress, staying causes you a lot of stress. Which is the lesser of the two evils? I feel like if you call the hotline, you find a way to leave and you give yourself a TRUE opportunity to change, to heal, to find good health, you will find it.
I get your dilemma, but I really don't know how to help you to keep living with an abusive man when it is very clear that he isn't going to do ANYTHING to help you. Because, it isn't about you in his mind...it is only about HIM. It isn't about your son, it is about your ABUSIVE PARTNER. Your son is a "tool" that your partner uses to hurt you and manipulate you.
I also know me telling you to leave is not what you want to hear, I would urge you to call the DV national hotline..1-800-799-7233. Talk to a counselor.
My heart is with you sadness, but as you have read on this forum, and seen in your own life, the only way to heal..is to walk away. FOR good.
The only other thing I can think of is say nothing. Say nothing when your partner talks, when he lies, when he completely spouts off how wrong the world is. Agree and walk away. Find what simple joys you can. Take any medication that your doctor suggests, go to counseling, sleep, eat, breathe, and even exercise, take walks, find a way to heal.
Sadness, I care about you. I want you to feel better, but not me or the hotline, or your father, can do it for you. You have to dig way down deep inside you and listen to that voice that tells you this is all wrong with your partner and HE is the problem. AND the only solution is to leave. You cannot control your son or your partner or your father. You can ONLY control you.
You are smarter than you think, stronger than you feel, and braver than you seem.
We are here Sadness, I will support you any way I can. HUGS!
Karen
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Post by thesadnessinme on Jan 26, 2019 22:55:47 GMT
Hi Karen, once again I'm sorry for responding late. I know you will say I don't need to apologise and you're right it's just habit and my nature! I've been quite ill for the past week and run down and had a throat infection so not been online much. Anyway, I do know you're right, about everything. I hope you don't mind me typing my thoughts out here...I realise it must be very frustrating and annoying to read because of course the obvious answer is : LEAVE and don't look back, it must appear so simple to others reading this. I have tried believe me, many times. It all comes down to the fact that my son won't come with me and gets hysterical every time I mention it and I am not leaving him with his father. My partner has too many thing to use against me, as you've seen in my above replies and it scares me. He's also told me outright that I won't be taking my son with me, so even if he did try to leave too I don't think my partner would let him and it sounds too traumatic I am weak I know this. Just to go through the social services situation, we met with the social worker the day after I wrote my last post, not at our place because it was just meant to be us two so at a coffee shop. My partner came across very well I have to say. I sat there and felt so tired, so worn down, so overwhelmed by it all that I said nothing really. He told her he's educating our son to the best of his ability, she accepted that. He said that he's aware he has social issues and is trying to help him, she accepted that. He said he's trying to help him get fit, which he is by going out walking with him and she was pleased with that. He mentioned my 'awful' family and said they've really done a number on me and caused me to have the severe anxiety and other mental health issues I have now, she ended up saying she could tell he really cares about me. He then said he does and that he feels so protective towards me and our son. I started crying and he put his arm around me and she said she can see there's genuine love between us and we need to work together as a team to help our boy be happy. I got a phone call from her an hour later saying no further involvement is needed and she wishes us the best. I didn't know whether this is good or bad news. I can't put my finger on why I'm so terrified deep in my soul. My partner has really changed in some ways, he is very against drugs and alcohol, he is into fitness and healthy eating, he never shouts ever!!! He is very angry towards my dad for what he did and said if I could keep away from 'those toxic people' ie my parents, then my mental health would improve. He said the appointment with SS was a moral victory because he knew our life was ok as it is and that my dad had no right to interfere especially after what he did. How can I argue with that? All I hear now is how much he hates this country we're in and how it's the cause of any problems he has and that our son had eg with school etc. Everything is the fault of outside influences. I've never felt so alone, so scared and so uneasy. I can't even explain it. It's like a silent terror. Thanks for listening, as I said I don't expect anyone to offer advice because I already know it but it helps so much - more than I can explain actually - just to put it all down somewhere. I hope you're doing ok Karen, I think of you often and what a lovely lady you are.
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Post by marilyn on Jan 29, 2019 12:16:06 GMT
Quote "The fact that your son is not going to school, tells me he is listening to your partner and at this point I am not sure you are going to be able to influence what your son chooses to do. Most kids don't want to go to school and how great is it that a parent says "Hey, it is OK, you don't have to go to school!" Your partner is not "parenting" your son, he wants your son to be on "his" side, he wants to be the "fun" Dad. And he is succeeding at this. He isn't doing what is best for your son, he is doing what will make HIM feel good and he is using your son to accomplish that." taken from Karen's post.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, sadness take Karen's words on board.
What you (and Karen) describe is EXACTLY what happened to me and my daughter. She was 15 when her dad made her his best friend and gave her permission to talk to me any way she liked. He had a hobby involving racing that we all loved but he used this to tempt her from me. He did exactly what Karen describes and I've not seen her for four years. She refuses all contact.
I stayed within that awful controlling, abusive marriage (he never hit me) from the time I realised that if I left him I would never see my daughter again(when she was 15) until she told me to get out of her life when she was 33 and married and still daddy's best friend. He used her as a weapon against me and he won. To her he is perfect and I am evil personified. I documented everything he dod and now, having put it all together, it is 60 pages long. It covers from the moment I met him when I was 17 to the day I left him when I was 63. I missed so many red flags because it never occurred to me that anyone could DO anything like he was doing.
PLEASE, don't end up like me. Please believe that there is peace to be found. Four years after leaving them both I have found peace and I am ME. I am happy to be who I was meant to be.
(I too am in the UK)
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Post by marilyn on Jan 29, 2019 12:22:39 GMT
sadness,
I would also suggest that you Google "Karen Woodall". She works with parents of alienated children (and I honestly believe that your partner is trying to alienate your son by taking away your parenthood/authority and making your son his best friend. Karen's online blog has really helped me to understand this very alien world. She is UK based and has written a LOT about this. She herself was an alienated child.
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