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Post by Joyless on Dec 9, 2017 18:25:35 GMT
My husband treats me like garbage almost all the time. He is abrasive, unloving, condescending. He is rarely affectionate. Not interested in me or anyone else sexually. He is always in a bad mood, unless he smokes a lot of pot. He has not worked for 2 years. I support him financially and I have to walk on eggshells all the time because I can’t ever throw that in his face. He is often feeling disrespected by me (i.e. if I am late or forget to empty the dishwasher). I get our son ready for school in the morning before work as he likes to sleep in a little later and is usually in a horrible mood in the morning. He does clean the house somewaht, but complains that I am not doing my share. I have to ask his permission to go places, buy things most of the tim, even though he has no job. He spends most of his time on the computer on phantasy football and gambling (legally, things like fan duel). I am an attractive woman, and have maintained my weight. He has put on about 40-50 pounds in the last 2 years. He tells me I am so lucky that he puts up with me because no other person would ever want to be around someone as mean, crazy, and messy as me. He also said I don’t have what most guys want, which is ability to do good housework, cook well and give a killer blow job. I have adhd, depression, and anxiety and I try my hardest. I have a bachelor’s and a master’s degree and I have a decent job, although not very well paid. Am I completely insane to stay with him? What can I do? Our child loves him to death and they have a great bond. I love him, but I am not sure I like him.
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janine
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Post by janine on Dec 9, 2017 20:32:15 GMT
Joyless, welcome here! I just heard something on the radio yesterday that went a bit like this:
"If you want to be a good wife, that does sometimes mean that you have to stop enabling your husband from driving you and your entire family off of a cliff."
It takes two to maintain and repair a marriage. You cannot do that alone. The 'what now?" is a tricky question, and different for every woman and every marriage/relationship. My first question is always: "Are you safe?" By that I mean assess your safety and that of your child and any pets in the home. Before you think about leaving or initiate leaving him, I highly recommend checking that first, the overall safety.
Then there are several options. A friend of mine left her husband for one year, they had separate houses and all that. After one year, couples counseling, and him getting individual counseling for his depression, they reconciled and moved back in together.
Some people need that wake-up call to get up and save their marriages. It sounds like he is right about at that point. I also liked how the woman on the radio went on to say the woman (in that case she presented) also has to heal on her end, because she is also sick (from the abuse/neglect in the marriage) and two ill people cannot fix something that is broken alone.
Again, this could mean you go and see a counselor yourself for a while, or you go as a couple, or he goes by himself.
If he is an abuser, then sadly none of it will work and you will be better off leaving him. If he is not abusive, and just needs help with depression or something else that is going on....then he has a chance and so does your marriage. That is up to you to assess, as you know him best.
From where I am standing, his entire behavior smells a whole lot like classical abuse. There is financial abuse (you need to ask for permission to spend your own hard-earned money) and controlling behavior (you, a grown woman and mother, have to ask him for permission to go out) There is verbal and - most importantly- emotional abuse. (He tells you that you mean, crazy, and messy and that nobody but him would put up with you)
That is 100% abuse.
And the goal is so obvious. He wants you to feel small, to build a traumatic bond with him, and feel like shit so he can do whatever he wants with you.
It's not your fault and you are NOT insane. You did not make him be like this. He is an adult and 100% responsible for his behavior he chooses to do. We all get a 'one off'. We all have bad days, and i have said some nasty things to my husband on a bad day once or twice. Nobody is perfect. The difference is, normal people apologize, and make amends, and do not shame or blame the victim. (You made me do it- kinda stuff is victim blaming)
Now might be a good time to reach out to a DV shelter via a safe phone, or pay their counselor a visit. Most DV shelters in the Western world have 24/7 free counseling available - at least via a hotline. Use a safe phone.
We are here if you need an ear, however, this is not a government subsidized forum so sometimes we go for days without an admin checking in, as we all do this on a voluntary basis.
My reason for being here is that I had an abusive boyfriend years ago, and got away. That was in 2009. If I got a dollar for each time I heard a story like yours, I'd be rich by now. Meaning, it is NOT your fault, and you are not a bad person. He however, is most likely an abusive person, and abusers are all more or less the same when it comes to behavior patterns.
You might also like reading the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft or "Jerk Radar" by Steve McCrea. Both helped me a ton back then, when I was trying to understand what had become of my relationship, and whether I was going crazy or whether it was abuse.
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Post by Joyless on Dec 9, 2017 23:57:49 GMT
Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it. Yes, he does get physical sometimes, and said it is always a reaction to my action and that he is not a woman beater, so I make him do it. He says it’s because I don’t understand male-female relationship dynamics and emasculate him. The worst physical aggression was when I said I was not afraid of him. His eyes looked like he was posessed. I keep a log of all the times he hits me and what was going on, because I tend to forget what happened. He had to do court ordered batterer’s intervention a couple year’s back, for about 9 months due to an incident where the police was in my house. He got better for a while. But it seems the better my life goes, the more abusive he gets. He never apologizes for hurting me, that’s why I never thought it fit into the DV cycle. It’s just always my fault, period. No romancing me after. I am so ashamed. Thank you. I just wanted to vent.
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Dec 10, 2017 0:16:21 GMT
Hi Joyless..again welcome. I agree with Janine. I truly believe your partner is abusing you, he is hitting you. That is abuse..it is domestic violence. As Janine said..you did not cause him to be this way, he is the problem. And I am not surprised that he has a great bond with your son. ABUSERS are always the "fun" parent. Until they abuse their child..and they don't have to hit to be abusive.
Janine is great..she speaks of good stuff. I came here to this forum 3 years ago after my very abusive boyfriend kicked me out of his house. I had left my husband (who was also very much like yours..he didn't hit me, but he got us into $50,000 in debt and never paid a penny of it back..I had to do it. I supported the whole household as he worked a very small amount and never paid the bills he was responsible for. He gambled. He criticized, he would sneak insults at me often. I didn't like him either). This forum helped me tremendously.
I have left 2 bad relationships and now have my own home, I work full-time in a job I love (I got fired from my other job as a result of PTSD I was suffering) and my daughters are happy and healthy. Leaving and getting a divorce was NOT something I EVER believed in. I was married /with my ex husband for 26 years. I can say..I have never been as happy as I am today.
It wasn't easy. I was devastated by the boyfriend kicking me out. I fell for him very quickly, and turns out he was the worst when it came to abusive. He didn't hit me..but the emotional roller-coaster and the eggshells, the being ignored, the being yelled at for clanging dishes together when I emptied the dishwasher, and then the charming love stuff that kept me hooked. He was terrible.
I consider myself a "survivor". I contacted my local DV center, got free counseling, and advice and worked to rebuild my life. I will never go back to that kind of misery.
It is never your fault Joyless..never. I know you feel ashamed..believe me I did too. He abuses you when you are feeling good because NO ONE CAN BE GOOD except him. IT IS ALL ABOUT HIM..and ANYTHING that takes away from that has to be controlled by him. The books Janine mentioned saved me. When I read and realized that both of these jerks in my life literally could have their pictures in the book?? WOW..a lightbulb went off and I knew I needed to remove them from my life.
I have no contact with either. The ex-boyfriend got married..to the woman he met 3 weeks after he kicked me out. Typical. AND my ex-husband continues to sponge off of everyone he meets. My daughters are older..so we only share custody of one of them and I still have no contact with him. They see a bit of what he is and even though it devastated them for us to divorce, they are slowly seeing that it was a very good thing.
There is life after ABUSE. And as scarey as it seems..it is very much worth all the emotions and fears of leaving. I found a courage in me that I never knew I had.
We are here Joyless. Anytime you need to vent or post, or whatever you need. Stay safe..that is the most important thing.
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Post by Joyless on Dec 10, 2017 0:38:07 GMT
Thank you so much, Karen. It means a lot to me that you took the time to share your story and give me encouragement. I will look into the books. It’s a slow process, i am usually in denial because t hurts to much to get in contact with my life. I have tried to leave 4 times and always come back. Thank you again.
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Dec 10, 2017 13:09:12 GMT
You are very welcome. I admire you for keep trying. One day it will work and you will find that courage too..I believe it is in all of us, it is just buried beneath all the shame, the fear, the sadness, and the lies we believe our partners tell us. You are a strong person Joyless..you have left 4 times and that takes a lot of effort and courage. One thing I learned is that these jerks we are "bound" to are like a drug we are addicted to. Our brains literally get "hooked" on them. We are tricked into becoming dependent on them and that is why it is so hard to break that bond. I think it is called "traumatic bonding". We truly believe in the deepest point of our being that we cannot survive without these jerks. It is ingrained in us that we can't and won't be happy without them. I am living proof that one can be very successful without an abuser. I think one day I realized that I only get one life. And at the ripe old age of 50..I knew I didn't want to waste the rest of that life with someone who gets their kicks by abusing and controlling me. I have a faith in God, I believe I was put on this earth for something good, not to suffer at the hands of someone who claims to love me and treats me like dirt. They don't know the meaning of the word LOVE. What they do is not LOVE. It is ABUSE and it is wrong. I believe these men came into my life for a reason. And there was some good that came from the "evil" of these two. My daughters were the best thing that happened in my marriage. I will never regret my marriage for that reason alone. BUT it quickly became unhealthy for me and for them. What stress does to our bodies is not good. It really shortens our life. I didn't want to be unhealthy anymore. I learned that the only thing I could control in my life was "ME". I can't change either of the jerks, I can't LOVE them into being better people. They weren't going to change and when this feeling of dread came over me that the rest of my life would be spent with someone who was so hurtful...no. I was done. I also learned that I can't make ANYONE be different than who they are. Yes, we can have an impact in someone's life, but THEY have to do the work to change who they are. My exes saw no reason to be any different than who they were. NONE. And that fact alone is why I left. THEY TRULY BELIEVE THAT WHO THEY ARE AND WHAT THEY DID TO ME WAS FINE? AND THAT THEY SHOULD TREAT ME THAT WAY BECAUSE I DESERVE IT? Hell no. Being with someone who believes that??? No thanks! It will be ok Joyless, it does hurt, I know. But it doesn't have to be that way. There is always a light at the end of the very dark tunnel..we just have to keep walking and "Trust our Journey" that the light is very worth it.
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Post by Joyless on Dec 17, 2017 15:32:26 GMT
Thank you so much. Now he won’t let me go to church. It was the only thing i had to look forward to.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Dec 17, 2017 20:09:09 GMT
Hi Joyless..it is wrong what your husband is doing. You deserve so much better. He is controlling you and he has no right to do that. Someday, I hope and pray that you find the courage to leave him. That you trust yourself..but also God (as it sounds like you believe) that there is so much better out there. I know there are many beliefs ingrained in us about divorce, and marriage, and obeying our spouses. I went to church my whole life.
I was taught that marriage was forever..til death do us part. I was taught that divorce was not an option, that once you committed to something you didn't stray from that commitment. You found a way to make it work.
But, I have come to realize that God didn't want me in a marriage where my partner hit me or emotionally abused me..that isn't love. I believe we are meant to love each other and abusing each other isn't love.
What happens if you ignore him and go to church anyway? You have every right to go where you please.
I am thinking of you Joyless..I hope things change in your life and you find what makes you happy.
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Post by Joyless on Dec 17, 2017 23:36:20 GMT
Hi Joyless..it is wrong what your husband is doing. You deserve so much better. He is controlling you and he has no right to do that. Someday, I hope and pray that you find the courage to leave him. That you trust yourself..but also God (as it sounds like you believe) that there is so much better out there. I know there are many beliefs ingrained in us about divorce, and marriage, and obeying our spouses. I went to church my whole life. I was taught that marriage was forever..til death do us part. I was taught that divorce was not an option, that once you committed to something you didn't stray from that commitment. You found a way to make it work. But, I have come to realize that God didn't want me in a marriage where my partner hit me or emotionally abused me..that isn't love. I believe we are meant to love each other and abusing each other isn't love. What happens if you ignore him and go to church anyway? You have every right to go where you please. I am thinking of you Joyless..I hope things change in your life and you find what makes you happy.
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Post by Joyless on Dec 17, 2017 23:47:47 GMT
Hi Karen, Thank you again for you support. You must be an angel. He said he would punch me in the face and he vcame charging towards me and I ended up in the litter box. Then he had those crazy eyes screaming and spitting in my ear telling me to never laugh at him again. I was nervous laughing at the inane accusation that my church is a pickup spot and I am my friend’s wingman. So I figure it would be better to not go rather than get punched in the face. I talked to A DV hotline. They told me to just agree with him for now until I decide to leave, have a plan. I don’t think divorce is wrong. I am not traditional in any way and just started going to church because I felt I needed a support network. He sensed that and made sure I remained isolated. I am going to speak to a lawyer. I cannot handle this anymore. It just gets worse. It is so cruel because sometimes things are great, but that’s how they make you invested in the relationship so you’ll forgive them later. He thinks absolutely everything he does is my fault. I think I am starting to truly see him As a sociopath. He spent 7 years in prison. That should have been a red flag, you would think...but I am miss defender of the downtrodden...I think I will continue to be that in my professional life. However, I am learning that there is a reason some people end up in prison other than “the system”. I felt bad for him Because he was an addict and I didn’t think we should criminalize behavior caused by a disease. But this is a man who after he stopped using would shoplift at Dollar Tree just for kicks. Denial is such a powerful defense mechanism. And I have been absolutely paralyzed by my fear. I have nobody. I have no trust in my ability to live alone, even though I am the breadwinner. I think I will crumble and come crawling back or get involved with the first person that says hello to me. I am so incredibly vulnerable, in a foreign country with no family, only 2 lukewarm friends. Please pray for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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Post by jeannie812 on Dec 20, 2017 5:33:50 GMT
To Joyless: Something I saw on re-run of Dr. Phil today. A man with a bad temper is emotional, verbally, physically abusing his wife. The man says she makes him mad. Dr. Phil says his anger is from the inside/out. Not from outside/in.
Please do not OWN his bad behavior. His behavior is HIS responsibility. You cannot help him, you are NOT his psychotherapist. Your guy actually thrives off the power and control he has over you. Cause he is so pathetic, and has no control over his own life. He needs you desperately, while he beats you down. He wants you to believe you need him, when he really needs someone, or anyone to take care of him.
I'm trying to word this so you don't feel sorry for his well being. He is NOT your child.
That is something else Dr. Phil says. You now have another child, and one who is big enough to hurt you.
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karen
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Post by karen on Dec 21, 2017 2:19:12 GMT
Hi Joyless..I am praying for you..a lot. Also, I am sorry if I gave the impression that you should stand up to him or get punched. I would never want you to do that. Sometimes these jerks ignite a "rage" in me where I truly want to see them hurt. To pay for all the misery they inflict on those they supposedly love. And sometimes the only answer I can come up with is to stand up to them. To give them back a little taste of their own medicine. I get so angry with these type of people..they truly deserve what they inflict on others. The key though is for us not to feel sorry for them. Abusers are completely in control of their actions. Thinking they are not..gives them more power. It excuses what they are doing and there is no excuse. And there is no accountability except jail if they commit a crime. They are almost indestructible. I remember one time my ex boyfriend told me it was his plan in life to "hurt rather than be hurt". He also would tell me women are a dime a dozen and there was ALWAYS another out there if you don't like the one you have. It was important to him that his son be taught these lessons. These guys/girls who are abusers are bad people. Just bad.
I am so glad you contacted the DV helpline. They give good advice..to agree until you have a plan. Being safe is the most important thing. Contacting a lawyer is also a good idea. I did that too. It felt so good to talk to someone who knew the laws and what rights I had. I began to get a taste of what being "empowered" meant. I started to get stronger with each day. To focus on me and not them.
And yes, they sure do throw in some "good times" to keep us hooked. Your partner plays a "victim" role really well and they use that to manipulate you and those around you. My ex-husband was incredibly skilled at playing the "victim". He got me to take care of him for over 25 years. I have now been replaced and his sisters are taking care of him. They finally see him for what he is as he has screwed them over many times. Karma.
I hope you are doing ok today. Just wanted to check in.
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Post by corinnecrum on Jan 16, 2018 6:42:10 GMT
Contacting a lawyer is always a good idea. I am glad that you have contacted an attorney. I am sure that you might have got the solution for your problem. In such cases it is better to consult an attorney who can provide the right help. If you need any help in future, you can find out here about a lawyer who will help you to get rid of all such problems.
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