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Post by anonymama on Feb 17, 2018 21:29:00 GMT
I found this board when I was going through hell. Maybe here is where I found ‘Why does he do that’ and in it found the eerily accurate prototype of the man I had loved for over 15 years. In any case, I ended up with a plan, and when the stars lined up 4 months ago, I took the kids and I fled.
He went to rehab, far away, and is thriving.
I stayed in our city with the kids. I got a new job that pays well, and I have a family member who watches the kids. It’s the cliche of waking up from a nightmare, but because I was so dissociated it really just seems so unreal.
I have awful scars, hidden under modest clothing, that remind me daily of the beatings I took before I left. I look at my once beautiful body and am so angry and sad. And yet I haven’t spent the $85 on the cream to fade them. I have spent it, instead, binge-eating, chain smoking joints and cigarettes to bury my feelings. I am triggered when I see my son treat me or his sisters as he learned by example to do, and full of guilt at both my rage and my complicity in staying so long.
I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I know I need to be in regular therapy. The therapist who got me to this point, well I kind of don’t like her that much. But finding a new one seems like I will have backslid a little.
So I guess my question for those who have gone through it, what now? I read ‘Trauma and Recovery’ and the first steps are safety and self care. I have established safety, for the most part. I have to really restrain myself not to slap the disrespect right out of my son, especially since it feels so much like his father talking to me. But otherwise we are safe. Now self care? That is a struggle. I work a hard job and I am now the only in house parent so I feel like all my energy is directed to others and I don’t have any motivation to help myself. I get spurts of energy sometimes to work out or get dressed nicely but for the most part, I am just spending that energy reading Internet forums. So how do I get myself to invest in my own well being?
Then with the kids. My son is the oldest and the most externalizing, and he landed himself in therapy after an incident at school. It just started and I hope it helps. And my family member is helping with him too. I just feel so overwheled sometimes because I also fit the prototype of the mom who was too lax to try to compensate for dad’s strictness (I bore the brunt of the physical punishment) and then being too harsh in his absence. I am trying my best to work through this with them but it is so hard sometimes. All their rage is directed at me. Hopefully we will have some family sessions, but any tips on how to proceed at home? How to discipline in nonviolence with kids accustomed to only respecting power and control?
If you made it this far, thanks. I look forward to your responses.
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Post by xmas13 on Feb 17, 2018 22:43:50 GMT
Hi,
I just read through your post, you need to give yourself a huge pat on the back and look in the mirror and say I’ve made it, I’m safe, I have choices I never had and I get to decide everyday how my day will go. It’s hard no way about it, it’s the hardest thing you will ever pull yourself through but, you know now and take great pleasure in knowing that there is a happy bright future ahead of you, you see you get to run your own life now, without that fear, isolation and brain numbing feeling. You are doing all the right things it just takes time. You did the right things, made the right choices for you and your kids at that time, you are all safe now. It’s a new way of living for you all but you will and can do this, I promise you can, you are already.
My son who is almost 16 was seven when I met my abuser. The abuser has been fully out his life for about 2 years, he hates him, but he bares the scars and I try, god I try to be understanding but at times it’s so so hard. He witnessed daily emotional abuse and me in complete bits often, so he is protective of me. My way of dealing with him is to listen and pull him on the disrespect. We together are getting there but it’s me who suffers bad with anxiety and that’s so hard to cope with, but every day is a further day away from him and moving forward with my and my sons life. You will pull through as will the kids, have faith, your doing great. Hope this helps even just a little to know that we are here to listen and help x
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Post by anonymama on Feb 18, 2018 14:22:25 GMT
Thanks so much for your encouraging words!
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on Feb 18, 2018 15:17:07 GMT
Hi Anonymama, I will echo Xmas..what you have accomplished already is to be commended. The courage and bravery you gathered up to make the hardest decision of your life is remarkable. You and your children are safe. As Xmas said, you can wake everyday and have the freedom to do whatever you want, however you want, whenever you want. To me, that is worth all the crap many of us have been through.
I know you may not feel it, but you are the best parent for your children, they may not understand now, but they will someday. They will be thankful for your bravery and courage in saving them from a horrible person, their father. They will someday see that courage you had to leave the worst situation of your life and theirs. Look in the mirror and smile at yourself, you deserve all the self love you can muster. Nothing has been easy and usually it never is. But seeing your children be free, to not live in that tension, to give them a role model of how one overcomes terrible situations, that is the good. You have gotten them help, especially your son. May he some day be in a relationship where he doesn't hit his partner. Overcoming that is not easy. I have a 17 year old daughter who has the same abusive tendencies of her father. Everyday, it is my job to love her and help her to be different. We are 4 years out and it is getting better everyday. Both my kids love their Dad..he was/is the fun parent. BUT..they are seeing what the abuse looked like and they are learning. They are learning that I made the best decision for all of us. It has been a tough lesson to learn, but everyday, I keep at it. Give it time.
What next? As you have done, you keep going forward one day at a time. We find a way to rebuild, to find our "new normal". To find the joy in life that we humans were meant to experience. Perhaps one day soon, you will just decide to find a different counselor. You may never find a new one that you like, unless you try(no preaching here, just my experience talking). Counseling saved me, and I have tried a few different ones, I finally found the one I fit with and my life has changed because of it.
We learn to love ourselves and we learn to forgive ourselves and maybe one day even our abusers. We get to a point where we don't look at the past anymore, because we feel it doesn't matter, it is history. It is a lesson learned and one we work everyday not to repeat. We learn what real love is and maybe even come to accept that our abusers didn't love us, they weren't capable of it. We also learn that the abuser will never change, that they are only focused on themselves and they do not deserve my time, my thoughts, or any of my energy. We learn to be happy, to be thankful everyday that we are breathing and watching the sunrise, knowing that so many wonderful things can happen today and none of them involve walking on eggshells, wondering if I am going to be yelled at, wondering what I should or shouldn't do so I don't get ignored.
That is what "my next" looks like. I have my own home, I have a wonderful job, I have 2 great kids, and I have a new man in my life who treats me with respect and kindness. I have no abusers in my life anymore (I have had 3 abusive relationships in 30 years). I am healthy, I sleep well at night and I celebrate everyday that I am away from the jerks.
What next? Only you can answer that for you. But, I believe the answer is inside you. You sound like a loving, strong, brave, incredible mother and woman. Keep going, live your life the best you can. When you are ready, you won't need the cigarettes and the joints and all the things you may be using to hide the hurt. I tried to hide my hurt, and believe me, it stung like crazy when I 'ripped off the band aid" and really dealt with my pain. But, I made it through, the pain is pretty much down to a dull ache at times.
Keep posting here if you want, we will do all we can to help and support you. Hugs to you Anonymama..you deserve to be happy.
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Post by anonymama on Feb 19, 2018 14:22:07 GMT
Thank you so much. It’s good to hear from people ahead of me in this process. I am trying to celebrate little successes like the fact that for the first time in years both my nails and toes are done. And I have committed to that biweekly treat. The kids’ bedrooms are fabulous. For my son especially it is a space of safe inquiry and I love to watch what comes out of his time in there. Both my older kids had bedtime meltdowns which I handled without a meltdown of my own. I stuck to my stated consequence and walked away. My boy in all his cyclonic emotions asked for a hug and apologized for his behavior, and I hugged him for a long time. I am off with them for spring break and looking forward to a fun staycation.
I guess it comes down to being in the moment right now, being ok with where I am and who I am, and working towards being the best version of me.
I thank y’all for the support. Honestly it’s so hard to find someone who can really relate. My city sucks a little about DV support. I’ve been on a waiting list for a therapy group for close to a year now. But this feels like a safe space.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Feb 20, 2018 1:37:48 GMT
Hi anonymama, you sound like you are doing great to me! Love that you get your mani-pedi..I do that too! Treat myself, it makes me feel beautiful. And I love that your son has a space that is safe for him. That was one thing I did for my youngest daughter when we sold our house. She had a tiny bedroom and I mean like the size of a walk in closet. I promised her that she would be given a space that she could make her own, a place that was just for her. She got the master bedroom when we moved to an apartment, she and her sister had to share, but my oldest was leaving for college at the same time, so they only shared the space when the oldest came home. Going away to college for her...I made it as special as I could. She and her sister deserved to have attention paid to them that was positive.
I think you are right on track..I love how you say "being the best version of me". That is what it is all about..being who we are and loving who we are. I am glad you found this forum. I was so blessed to have found it. It was the support I needed to get through some really tough times. I couldn't have done it without the men and women here who helped me find my way out of that very dark tunnel.
I agree with you, your local DV support doesn't sound full of resources. I was lucky there too. I live in the US and my area has a huge DV support center. I was able to get counselling for free for over a year. I had stopped counselling and went back several months later after I got "fired/encouraged to resign" from my job of 11 years. It all worked out in the end, but hear you about the lack of support available to you.
I am glad you feel safe here. I felt that way also when I started posting here, I was afraid my exes would some how find this. They didn't, but the administrators of this website are very good at blocking those who may be a threat to the safety of this forum.
Enjoy your day!
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Post by anonymama on Feb 21, 2018 2:36:09 GMT
Thanks! Hanging with my kids. One day at a time.
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Post by lisa22 on Mar 1, 2018 15:11:02 GMT
This is my first time sharing my story, I am still in abusive relationship. I have been reading and servicing everything about domestic violence in the last 6 months almost everyday I think I am ready to ask for advice now. I really hope he doesn’t find my post. So I am married for 9 years, have a daughter from previous marriage, she is 20 now, she lives with me and goes to school. First marriage didn’t work out and after 4 years we split up, my baby girl was 2. I was single for 10 years, then I met my current husband online. I can not say everything was was perfect in the beginning because now I see all kinds of red flags but I felt in love. He is 15 years older then me and was very confident and seemed like he knew what he wants. 5 months later we got married and after 6 months I left my country and came to live with him. So when I landed with my daughter it was limo at the airport and flowers and red carpet, his parents came too. Maybe after 2 months everything start changing very fast. It started ABUSE ....physical emotional psychological financial you name it....he hid very well from me that he was charged with domestic violence before, his gambling addiction, his antisocial personality ... after 8 months me being in his country he invited my mom to come over for a visit, and now I realized that it was done so I won’t leave him. The abuse exalted my mom left in 6 months and there I was alone with my 13 year old daughter. So I decided to leave him...and I did went to a shelter in another city, my mom sent me money to get a cab and we left. To make it short I didn’t end up staying at shelter we lived with his ex wife on a farm got 3 months while I was waiting for subsidized housing, I did go to police and he was charged...and then bridged restraining order was arrested again ..at the end of the trail he only got 2 years of probation because his daughter was a witness of phisical abuse and she lied in court. For 7 months I lived alone with my daughter in different city. And the day of our divorce in court he start talking to me ... well that being said we came back after a year being separate...do I regret YES !!! Everything started all over again only now I was blamed for going to police, for even ex wife suing him because he didn’t pay child support for last 17 years, and so on. Since then I left 2 more times stayed at shelter those time, and still went back to him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why do I do it over and over again... he is self employed makes around a million a year, but gambles it all....I do not have friends as I am not allowed to go out, I work for him and he doesn’t give me any money, I don’t drive because I am not allowed, I don’t go shopping, I can’t talk to neighbors or his family because I am not allowed, nobody can come over for a visit... at least I have cell phone now. It is so much to say more and it’s hurting me every day, I am 43 and feels like I am in this marriage for 100 years.... I am planing on leaving again when he is not home, I hope I can disconnect cameras that he put outside of our house... he ruined my credit cards gambling so I have $15,000.00 debt to my name..,he has lots of debts on his own. I pray I can do it again and stay away from him forever, it’s just so hard, no job, no money, no one at all in this country to talk to. I am in Canada and I moved from Ukraine in 2009, I am just lost sometimes very very lost... he will never change, he doesn’t think anything wrong with him, he never says sorry ever even after hitting me... Please I need support...,,,in being strong not just for me and for my daughter future
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Post by Hope Springs on Mar 6, 2018 22:22:31 GMT
Lisa, dear beautiful sister, my heart hurts to hear of all you have suffered and continue to suffer. I wish I could give you a huge hug! You know you need to leave this situation but you can't work out how not to go back.. and every time you go back you say it is even worse. Perhaps the answer is in how you managed to stay away for a year...How did you do that? What was it that stopped you from going back on Day 12, day 100, day 250? I hear that you need to leave desperately and that you know how to do that. So we need to find a way to stop you from returning so it is all for nothing. I will pray for strength for you. I know there is a happy life waiting for you on the other side of this. I am in a similar situation and have no support or money and can't leave. Be strong sister, plan your exit, make sure he doesleave and cut all contact (or at least until you are secure in your decision)- you can do it!
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Post by lisa22 on Mar 8, 2018 1:02:18 GMT
Hi “ Hope Springs” thank you so much for reading my post, I want to give you hug in return. Thank you for your caring and support, it feels my heart with hope. I can not describe my feelings it’s so much more then words can say... if someone on the other side far from me reading my story and have so much love and empathy in their heart, I truly believe world is beautiful, and no matter how much pain, abuse and suffering we all have in the past or in the present there is hope for beautiful life ahead of us.
I have no idea why I went back to him being whole year alone. It was hard and saw him only 3 times in court, first was criminal charges second was divorce. Looking back now I had no confidence, I was scared that I couldn’t give my daughter much and it terrified me a lot.
Back home I had a very good paying job( which he asked me quit within 2 months after I met him)I owned a house ( which is burned down completely because of war in Ukraine) I had a few really good friends that I could trust with my life and I had loving family that supported me.
I don’t want to sound like I am complaining but I didn’t know how much I actually had back home. All I wanted to have family for my daughter like the one I had when I grew up. This didn’t happened.
First time I left because he hit my girl 2 times and she was 13, many times hit me, slapped me, punched me and shoved me. It was every week full of humiliation, belliteling, yelling and calling me names. Not allowed to have cell phone, go to school and make friends or talk to his family, not allowed to get drive licence, not allowed to go shopping alone, he was forcing me into changing my religion and he wanted to adopt my daughter. He did get in my social media and translated my conversations with my friends and I really paid for it back then.
I still went back to him after a year it was March 2012. I thought everyone deserves second chance but this wasn’t the case. Only maybe two month after everything was the same as before and worse, now I was blaimed for all headache dealing with court, police, spending money on lawyers, going to jail, gambling and even his ex wife took him to court for not paying child support it was all my fault.
When I left him in March 2011 he owened 2 houses, 3 companies and a few vehicles within a months me being gone he took his name of all of that stuff. And everything was owned only his business partner on paper. In 2014 his business partner died and changed his will leaving everything to third party so to this day he is in court suing that person. For this I am blaimed too.
Second time I left in Aqust 2016 my mom was here visiting me and he hit her, police was involved but didn’t do anything, I packed what I could and my mom and my daughter we all went to shelter. After 5 days he start calling me telling me it’s selfish to keep my mom at 80 years old in shelter offered for us to stay in his basement till I figure out what I want to do, so I did go back. Got my mom ticket to go back with my credit card, rented a storage unit secretly, applied for my daughter student loan so she could start school in time. I was working for him to earn my stay, then he asked me to cook, clean for him. He gave me very little money just to cover min payments on my credit cards and maybe $150 for a month for food for us. That’s embarrassing but I was starving and making sure my girl eats. He also made me sleep upstairs in his bad making sure I don’t leave him and he was raping me.
In November 2016 three months into this hell, he was gambling on weekend as usual I packed last bags and we went to shelter. This was my third time. 11 days after we were back living with him again. This time he told me I am selfish again not thinking about my girl, putting responsibilities on her and that she needs to study and work less at her part time job. So I did listen to him again and about month later he hit me again, I had bruise size of football on my left arm. I didn’t tell my daughter or my family about it just took a picture. I did go to see a doctor but told him for a different reason and showed it to her she wanted me to do X-ray as it was very swollen and I didn’t do it because he was waiting for me in a car.
I am still here and I really really hope I get away next time and it will be last time. He says I am his property, he paid for me, I must obey and go as I told, I must work for him and as a wife I don’t to get paid, I must say sorry after every argument, I can’t voice my option on anything, he says I am old and ugly and nobody wants me, I must have sex with him because it’s my job, I must go with him to casino every time and it’s every week, I called every name is book and yelled at every single day.
I feel very little of myself but I still think no human deserves to be tested like this, I don’t care if you white or black or gay everyone deserve to feel safe and happy.
Thank you so much for your support, knowing that you care about me and my daughter means more then anything. I hug you too and I’ll pray for you too
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