|
Post by Shocked on Mar 20, 2018 6:36:58 GMT
Hi, this is my first time posting. I'm not sure if I'm in the right place but I'm in real need of advice.
I went out with this guy last summer. It only lasted about 4 months. We met through a mutual friend. He was very sweet, charming and so good looking. I don't have a lot of romantic experience with men. I've dated a lot of guys but my only serious relationship was with a high school boyfriend. I suppose I was naive. He started talking about his ex very early on, and how badly she'd treated him, what a bitch she was. I felt sorry for him, and when we'd argue and he'd say something hurtful, he'd apologize profusely and he say he knew I wasn't his ex but sometimes I reminded him of her and that's why he'd said whatever he said. He seemed broken and I just wanted be the woman he needed, I just wanted to make him happy but I always seemed to be saying or doing the wrong things. After one of these incidences, after he'd tearfully summarized all of the ways I was hurting him, he turned to walk away and I tried to stop him. I just wanted to explain myself and apologize (again) and tell him I didn't mean to hurt him. But he wouldn't listen, so I grabbed his arm, just to get his attention, mind you. He turned around fast, to where it really startled me and I backed away and into the wall behind me. He walked in closer and looked down at me. It scared me half to death...he's a lot taller than me, by almost 12 inches. After what was maybe a second or two--though it felt like forever--he said, "Enough!" and he walked out the door. I called him later and told him I couldn't take it anymore, that he needed to get help, and that it was over. But a week later I was back with him. He knew exactly what to say...I ended up being the one who felt responsible for what had happened. Not even a month later, he punched a hole in the wall. Right next to my head. I ended it for good after that. He was calling me and begging me to come back but eventually, after a few weeks, he gave up, or so I thought.
I hadn't seen him in almost 6 months. Then a couple of weeks ago, we ran into each other at a restaurant. It was late and were both getting food to go so we made small talk while we waited. He didn't bring up our relationship at all while we were inside. After we got our food, he said he'd walk me to my car. It didn't feel right but I didn't want to overreact over "nothing". When we got next to my car, he told me he was getting counseling and doing "much better" and wanted us to give it another try. I told him absolutely not. He looked genuinely shocked that I'd flat out turned him down. I said a quick goodbye and turned to get into my car and he grabbed my arm, hard, and said "PLEASE. Talk to me". I tried to pull my arm away but he wouldn't let go. The pain nearly brought me to my knees. I wish to God I'd screamed and gotten someone's attention but I was afraid to make a scene, that it might make him angrier. My eyes filled with tears, I couldn't help it. And I told him, "You're hurting me". He immediately dropped my arm and looked at me like he was surprised and said he was sorry over and over again. I jumped into my car and left fast. He called me within minutes, swearing he didn't mean to hurt me and begging me to talk to him. I told him NO and if he ever touched me, or even came near me again, I'd phone the police. I don't know why I didn't do it right then. I go back to that night over and over and I don't know what I was thinking. The next morning, there were dark bruises on my arm where he'd grabbed it. I thought about phoning the police right then but I didn't want to deal with them, or with court...I just wanted it to be over, and I wanted to forget it.
I've been having a hard time since then. The bruises are pretty much gone, and I haven't seen him or heard a word from him, but I'm still having nightmares about it, about him running me down in my own car, or breaking into my house. I haven't been able to go back to that restaurant, even though it's my favorite. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder and the smallest things startle me. I've missed several days of work because some days I can't cope with going out at all. I've actually got an appointment next week to see a counselor about it.
I guess what I want to know why he would come after me after all this time? Why? When I broke things off with him for good, I was absolutely clear with him, that it was OVER and there was no hope of us getting back together. I know I messed up the first time, when I took him back and let him have another chance, but I made sure there was no question about it the second time. I don't understand why he would try to get me to come back to him now.
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Mar 20, 2018 23:37:19 GMT
Hi Shocked, I think you are very much in the right place for what happened with this guy.
First, I believe he is abusive and could have hurt you worse. Second, I think you "Dodged a Bullet" as this guy clearly showed some very early signs of being controlling, manipulative, and potentially more physically violent towards you. I think you did all the right things. Please don't blame yourself for going back or taking him back. Abusers are incredibly skilled at luring us back in. They say all the right things, they make wonderful promises never to hurt us again, they are usually very charming and usually we are already "hooked" that resisting them is very hard to do. They also don't give up, they do EVERYTHING they can to get you to forgive them and come back. It is usually to empty promises and the abuse is worse than it was to begin with.
Also, I think you suffered some PTSD..Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He traumatized you. And your body and mind are responding and you are not over it yet. I am very glad you are seeing a counselor. You have been victimized and it takes time to work through it. A counselor is the very best thing you can do to start to heal. Even though it was "only "4 months, it is still traumatizing. I was with my ex-boyfriend for one year..met him online, corresponded for 3 months, and I was "in love" with him before I ever laid eyes on him. We met and I instantly believed he was the man of my dreams. He became the man of my nightmares. I lived with him for 9 months and his abuse started literally a few weeks after we met. Yet, I moved in with him, I was already "hooked". He would cycle through the phases of abuse every 3 -4 weeks. Finally, he kicked me out of his house almost a year to the date of us meeting. I was devastated. I couldn't work for several days, I cried like I had never cried in my life, I think I had no tears left. I had some symptoms of PTSD. And I was lucky to find a counselor who helped me through it.
So, why would he come after you after several months? Because he can, because he still has a point to prove, he still has a lesson to prove, he still wants you to know that he has control, that he can mess with you, and because he will continue to try if he even thinks there is a remote chance that you still love him. Because he can't believe that you would stop loving him. He thinks you are bluffing, and it makes him feel AWESOME that he just might win you back and what a triumph that would be for him. Afterall, it is all about HIM and in his mind, you should know that and agree to it. My ex-boyfriend..contacted me 7 months after our last date (I went back for 2 dates after he kicked me out, he promised me the world, he swore he would be a better person, he was just all messed up inside), he was apologetic, he was very coy and humble and very sweet trying to get me back. What was really crazy is he had a girlfriend..and literally a month after that contact and I rejected him, they got engaged. He also abused me literally a few hours after we started talking. It didn't take long, the insults, the accusations, the name calling. All because I said no.
The book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft has a section in it about this. You can be as clear as glass..that doesn't matter to him. HE HAS TO WIN..he has to be RIGHT, HE HAS TO HAVE THE LAST WORD. He doesn't respect you or care about whether you are clear or not. It isn't about "you"..it is only about him and he doesn't get why you don't get that. I recommend this book. It is the best resource out there for understanding domestic violence and Abusive people.
Stay safe. That is the most important thing you can do. Do not underestimate him and think that he is just going to go away. He may, but there is a good chance he will not. He may meet someone else and do to them what he did to you. NO CONTACT..please don't respond to any texts, or phone calls, or voicemail messages or e-mail and do not put stuff on social media that may give him any idea how you are doing or what you are doing or where you are. Just be careful and be smart. He may go away and move on. There is a chance he may not. ABUSERS have to WIN..they have to be in control. You ignoring him or pushing him away is a huge blow to his ego and self esteem and they don't like it and don't always take it sitting down.
If you have a local Domestic Violence Center nearby, please feel free to seek them out and get more information on how to stay safe.
I don't want to come off as being an alarmist, but many women have been killed after they believed the relationship was over. I just don't want you to think that just because you were clear..he got the message.
We are here to help Shocked, any time we can help, please continue to post. Take care of you, you didn't do anything to deserve this. You didn't "mess up" by taking him back. Everyday is a new opportunity to go forward and to heal. We just have to give ourselves permission to forgive ourselves, know that we didn't deserve their abusiveness, and go forward. Give yourself time to heal, try to get lots of sleep, eat well, and breathe.
|
|
|
Post by Shocked on Mar 21, 2018 19:10:05 GMT
Hello Karen. Thank you for your reply. I've read it and I was going to respond later but I have a quick question. Is it too late for a protection order? It's been over 2 weeks since that last incident and I didn't report it. I haven't been back to that restaurant since then. I wouldn't even drive by. But after I posted that last time, I decided to, and his car was parked outside. He was in the car just sitting there. I drove by again today and he was there again. We only went to this restaurant once together. He never wanted to go there. So why is he suddenly such a fan?
After what you said yesterday, I'm really afraid that he's trying to catch me there again. I'm not going to go back but now I'm worried he could be looking for me and he might start following me. I want to get an order but wouldn't it be my word against his?
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Mar 21, 2018 19:32:16 GMT
Welcome here!
It takes courage to reach out and share your experience. Give yourself credit for that. Just to let you know, we are a non-professional forum, so it may sometimes take some time before someone replies. There are 24/7 hotlines and forums provided by your country and government (in the USA, UK, Autralia, etc.) and I encourage you to reach out to those as well. None of us here are professional counselors. We are for the most part just normal people who experienced DV.
That said, it sound like your ex is a classical abuser. I highly recommend reading "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft, if you are looking for educational materials abut abuse. The book helped me to find closure, and to realize how much alike abusers all are.
From what you described it sounds like your ex is not stalking you. Usually stalkers don't wait 6 months without any contact. It (hopefully) was just one of those coincidences where he went and got food from the same place. He may have chosen to go there because he knew it was your favorite, but I do not see a serious pattern of stalking. That is a good sign!!!
You did the right thing. You told him you would call the police if he ever contacted you again. If he does, stick to that decision. But my hopes are high he has seen you are not an easy target, and most abusers just don't want to "work" hard in order to get their victim back. He will most likely move on to a new and easier target. Sad but true.
As for the counseling, I think that is a great idea. Most people I know who experienced DV did work with a counselor/therapist and found it helpful. I did it as well and it was a lifeline. If you don't like the first counselor, give yourself permission to 'shop around' until you find one that feels right.
In the meantime, I do recommend avoiding that take-out place for a while. It's not fair that you'd have to do that, but just to give your body time to heal from the trauma and shock it can be helpful to not run any risks. That's at least what I'd do. Or have a friend pick up food for you, if it's something you really like to get. Just to give your body system time to digest all of that adrenaline and shock.
None of this was ever your fault. You dodged a bullet there. Call your local and/or national DV hotline and they can also do a professional safety assessment with you, and come up with a safety plan. You can remain 100% anonymous. They might ask you questions such as "Does he have access to firearms or other weapons?" or "Has he ever threatened to take your life?" etc.
It's very rare for abusers to be this quiet and to "give up" like that and then come back with more abuse. More often it's just he saw a chance to try his old game, and when the 'charming I am in therapy and better' didn't work, he tried another tactic, namely physical abuse.
But do listen to your gut. Your instincts are the best guideline. You know him better than anyone out there.
Trust your gut. You make good decisions.
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Mar 21, 2018 21:44:32 GMT
Hi Shocked, I am not sure of any "statutes of limitations" with a protection order. You have a few more "sightings" of him which may also provide enough evidence to get you an order. If you feel threatened or that he has potential to hurt you, that may be enough. You can call the police..like just the number for the precinct near your home and ask them. I have never gotten a protection order, but i have called the police to see what rights I have as a citizen to respond to a threat or a perceived threat. I lived in an apartment up until about 7 months ago, I had major issues with the people who lived above me (they would pour liquid on their deck which would come down onto mine..they knew what they were doing. So i called and asked the police what kind of rights I had to respond to their purposeful behaviors and they let me know.
So, if you perceive him to potentially hurt you or stalk you, I would recommend calling the police. Your area DV center or national hotline, they will know about protective orders also. If nothing else, you may learn more about the orders and how to get one in the future if things continue to happen. My feeling is, if it makes you feel more safe, then calling and finding out cannot hurt. I have taken the mindset that..the more I know, the more knowledge I am "armed" with, the better choices and decisions I can make to keep me healthy and safe.
The hard part is knowing what we can trust. For me, I wouldn't trust him to be respectful and leave me alone. I wouldn't trust him with anything for that matter. My tact would be to make myself as strong as I can, both emotionally and brain wise and just be prepared if he doesn't stay gone. One thing abusers do is they seem to know our "vulnerabilities". So I try and make sure that what they think they know, they really don't know anymore because I changed who I am.
One day at a time, hope the counselor is helpful to you!
|
|
|
Post by Shocked on Mar 22, 2018 5:21:06 GMT
Hello,
Thank you both for your messages. Something hit me tonight. I don't know why I didn't think of it, or put 2 and 2 together before. But about a month after I broke things off with him, a good friend of mine said he saw my ex out with another woman. I had heard from another friend about a few weeks later, that she heard he was seeing someone. I didn't think much of it, except that I was relieved about it. I was thinking tonight, maybe he was in a relationship with someone else all this time, and she left him, and that's why he's trying to get back with me? I don't know. I never thought I'd see him again, at least not like this. I just guessed that he'd moved on.
I don't think I suffered from any PTSD after I broke it off, until everything that just happened. At least I don't remember feeling afraid or having nightmares or worrying about him coming after me. Maybe that was naive but I felt okay and was just glad it was over. He called for a few weeks and I felt sorry for him but there was just no way I could go back. He had pushed me before, just to get me "out of his way", of course, and I let it go. I told myself it wasn't that serious. But after he punched a hole in the wall right next to my face, I knew what would likely happen next. My mom was in an abusive relationship for about 3 years. Not with my dad. It was just someone she dated after my parents got divorced. Still, I told myself he wasn't like my mom's ex-boyfriend, he was just troubled. And I've thought about him, but only as far as hoping he was doing okay and that he had gotten help. It was stupid of me I know but I 100% didn't see this coming. And when it happened it was like being punched in the gut. And maybe I'm overanalyzing it but I think it's because I suddenly had to face that he IS just like my mom's ex and he is dangerous, I can't be in denial anymore and it's scaring me to death. And maybe that's why I'm only now having PTSD symptoms. Does that make sense?
To top it off, I called a legal aid hotline in my state and they said it might be difficult to get a judge to grant a protection order, since my ex has had no documented history of violence, and I didn't report this incident or document my injuries. They said that they will probably question how much danger I really feel I'm in since I waited more than 2 weeks after the incident to file. The fact that he's been hanging out at the restaurant is circumstantial and it wouldn't even factor in, unless he were to approach me there again. So I guess I really screwed things up by not phoning the police from the very beginning. The advice they gave me, they said was the same advice they'd give someone with a protection order, which is that it's only a piece of paper, and to do whatever I have to do to keep myself safe. And also they said sometimes getting a protection order only makes the abuser more angry and more likely to increase the harassment or abuse so unless he's made or makes a direct threat to harm me again, it might be better not to file at all. Totally not what I expected. I don't know--I don't trust myself. I was absolutely rattled when I saw him back at the restaurant, especially the second day in a row and all I could think about was that he was going to come after me again. But now I'm questioning myself and thinking maybe it's just that my nerves are on edge and I'm overreacting. But what if I'm not? This is so hard.
|
|
|
Post by Shocked on Mar 24, 2018 20:11:31 GMT
Ok, I'm done. He's following me. He "accidentally" ran into me again yesterday afternoon and cornered me. I told him to get away and he said he wouldn't, not until we talked. He didn't hurt me this time but he grabbed my arm for a second and I told him I would yell if he didn't let go and back way. So he did. I got in my car and left and I went to the police station and filed a report, but I didn't know what kind of car he was driving. I left both times too quickly to check. They couldn't find him. This morning, I was driving to my mom's and an orange truck was following me very closely. He had on a hat and sunglasses but I'm sure it was him. I could recognize his stupid smirk anywhere. I even circled the block 3 times to make sure he really was following and he was. I think he must have gotten scared after the 3rd time because he left. I couldn't get the license plate...I couldn't see it. I've filed a motion for a restraining order and they found him and spoke to him. But they said there is no orange truck registered to him and he told them he's been at home since Friday at lunch time. Oh, and also that I'm obsessed with him and just can't get over him and I'm trying to punish him. So he's still out. They said they couldn't arrest him because they have nothing to go on. Basically, there's been no crime so I just need to get over it, maybe stay close to home until the hearing. That was their advice. Yes, I realize they're just doing their jobs but that's pretty crappy.
I'm. so scared, you guys. I'm hiding out right now. I thought I was done with him months ago. Why is he doing this to me?
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Mar 25, 2018 14:02:57 GMT
Hi Shocked, you have every reason to be done. This guy is a jerk and you did everything right to go to the police and report it. Filing for a restraining order is good. I would also invest in some pepper spray or Mace. You can get it online or at a hardware store. I know they make them to carry on your key chain.
He is doing this because he is stuck and he believes if he just can talk to you you will see 'the light" and realize that he is just a good guy who made a mistake. Which is a lie. He believes that what he is doing is ok. And I believe he lied to the police. Him following you is a way to get back at you for rejecting him. What he told the police is what is going on with HIM.
You don't have to get over it. You can protect yourself, you can make sure if he shows up again you can be prepared to take pictures. Next time he follows you, drive to the police station. I know this is scarey, it is so wrong on so many levels. You can even go as far as buying a camera and mounting it in the back of your car window to record anyone who follows you or intimidates you with their car. I know it sounds crazy, but you may have to "fight" back. At least, be prepared and living in fear is a terrible thing, but he is just being ridiculous.
If you can, talk to your friends, get people who you trust to help support you. You don't have to do this alone.
Be safe Shocked...I am not saying go after him..but you may just have to be prepared to gather evidence and defend yourself. The pepper spray will hep if he comes near you again. I own some, it is worth the small investment.
Thinking of you , hope he goes away soon.
|
|
|
Post by Shocked on Mar 27, 2018 2:05:09 GMT
Hi Karen,
I found out this morning that he was arrested Saturday night, the same night after he was following me. He was out at a bar and got drunk, beat up one guy pretty bad, punched another guy and was throwing chairs around. He was released on bail today but needless to say, he's facing multiple charges.
I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean I feel for the guys he assaulted and for everyone who was there, but I'm relieved because I don't think he's going to try anything with me while he's out on bail. But at the same time, I don't know that for sure and the fact that he's capable of that level of violence is terrifying. I've tried to go to sleep tonight because I get up very early for work but it wasn't happening, I couldn't get my brain to settle down so I took a sleeping pill and I'm just waiting for it to kick in. I only hope this helps me get my restraining order granted, now that he will have a documented incidence of violence, even if it wasn't against me..
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Mar 27, 2018 3:31:08 GMT
Hey Shocked, I hope you are sleeping as I type this! If not, If you still feel strongly about the protection order, I would still pursue it. He is showing his true colors. He is very violent and guys like him kill women. I hope he leaves you alone. It is terrifying. My thought is continue with the protection order, sadly you have to be on your guard. I don't want to scare you, but you could have been that person who got beat up. I bet you that guy didn't deserve whatever happened to him. Your ex is going to land in jail. That is the best thing that can happen to him.
Shocked, stay safe. This guy is not backing down yet. Don't give him the benefit of any doubt that he may not do anything towards you. At this point, we know he is violent, we know he is not worried about being arrested and we know he will pretty much do whatever he wants to whomever he sees fit. I hope that order comes through for you.
Please stay safe. Alert your friends and family that he is capable of violence. He is unpredictable at this point. So be smart.
Thinking of you and wishing you the best going forward.
|
|
|
Post by Shocked on Mar 29, 2018 23:53:24 GMT
Hi Karen,
I just got a notice that I was granted a temporary restraining order for 21 days, and he's being served tomorrow. We have a hearing on the 10th of April to request it to be extended longer. But if he fights it, it could be thrown out altogether. I'm worried that this is going to really piss him off and if he's able to have it thrown out I don't know what he'd do. But what else can I do? I feel like I'm doing the right thing but I also keep questioning myself.
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Apr 1, 2018 0:09:35 GMT
Hey Shocked, I think you definitely are doing the right thing and I completely understand questioning yourself. Jerks like this make us doubt ourselves. If you have a advocate or someone who is going to the hearing with you, perhaps contact them prior and see what you can do to be prepared with evidence. Such as noting that you have told him several times you were not interested, that you suspect he was following you, I would gather all the things you believe to be true and write them down. Be prepared. If you go and are not prepared, it may look like your reasons for pursuing this are not valid. It shows you are serious about keeping this guy away from you.
You can also call the DV hotline and seek some legal advice about how to be prepared. They may think of things that you or I wouldn't. I have never had to go to court for a restraining order, but one thing I did notice when I went to court for my divorce, the judges are very quick, meaning they just want pertinent information. And to move you through. There is a chance he may not show up for the hearing. So, perhaps just checking about how to be prepared will help. You have a temporary one so that tells me they think you have a legitimate reason for an order. The hotline could really help you to also know what to anticipate so you can fight his arguments if he presents one.
How are you doing otherwise? Hope you are ok!
|
|
|
Post by Shocked on Apr 1, 2018 2:29:53 GMT
Hi Karen,
It's not good. I spent the better part of last night up and awake. SOMEONE started banging on the back door at 1AM. My mom was spending the night and she went to the door and asked who it was. His voice was muffled but he kept saying he was the police. I had the sickest feeling. Immediately called 911 to find out if the police had really sent someone. They hadn't and he continued to bang louder and louder, repeating that it was the police and threatening to break down the door. We went into a closet with the phone and I couldn't stop shaking. Thank god for that 911 operator. I think I would have lost it if it wasn't for him. The police sent a car which was there within 10 minutes but he was gone. They found him a couple of hours later, at home. Supposedly he was there the whole time and his roommate backed him up. The police have parked an unmarked unit near the house in case he comes back but he hasn't. How the hell is he not in jail? I'm a mess. What the f*ck does he have to do? And how the hell did it take them 2 hours to find him?
Tomorrow morning, I'm going into a shelter. On Easter. I know I don't have a choice but I'm sick that he can run me out of my own house. I want my mom to come with me, as he knows where she lives but she won't do it.
I've been writing everything down, dates, times, details, from that first evening at the restaurant. The hotline that's getting me into a shelter has also helped set me up with an advocate so I won't be going to court alone. All good stuff. But I'm mentally, emotionally and physically drained. I just can't take anymore.
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Apr 1, 2018 19:26:30 GMT
Hi Shocked, somehow it is going to be ok. I am so sorry you have to go to a shelter and on Easter Sunday of all days. I know you will be safe there, but it is so wrong what he is doing. He is lying and so is his roommate. I don't believe that he isn't behind all that has been happening to you. everything he is doing is just enough to cause a problem but he is not getting caught and that is so wrong. You are doing everything right, writing everything down. I would call the police back and make sure they documented your call last night. I hope the 911 operator heard the banging on the door. This is more evidence against him. AND I truly believe it is him, who else would it be?
I would like to think he would leave your mother alone. This isn't about her, she happened to be at your place last night and I want to believe that he didn't know she was there.
Do you have any friends who can keep an eye on your house while you are away? I am worried that he will vandalize your house.
This is so scarey and so horrible, I am so sorry he is being such a jerk. Please know this is him and know you have done nothing to deserve this and you didn't cause this. You had every right to say "no" to him and you were very right to do that. It is obvious that he is abusive.
I wonder if that "girlfriend" he was with before, if he abused her? I am thinking that because if he did, she may join with you and put him behind bars at least for a little bit.
Thinking of you shocked and praying that things get better soon.
|
|
|
Post by Shocked on Apr 5, 2018 1:09:12 GMT
Hi Karen. I wish I knew how to get in touch with his ex-girlfriend. He only ever gave me her first name and as far as I know, she doesn't live around here anymore. He said she moved out of state after they broke up. I wonder why that is? *sarcasm* I'm doing ok at the shelter. Everyone has been very supportive. My stepdad is staying at my house and he has installed surveillance cameras, covering both doors, the backyard and the driveway. I also ordered one for my car. I almost wish my ex would trying something again now. 6 more days until the hearing, and he's got another hearing for the incident at the bar a week after that. He's charged with drunken and disorderly conduct, trespassing, simple assault and aggravated assault. He broke the one guy's nose, I heard, that's what makes it a felony. I'm sure he'll manage to plea it down though. He's got to get jail time for all of that, right? Even if the felony is reduced to a misdemeanor? I wish I could put him away for 10 years but I'll take anything I can get. I just want him gone.
|
|
steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266
|
Post by steve on Apr 7, 2018 3:04:40 GMT
Well, he certainly has helped out your case for the restraining order! Any sane judge will see how dangerous he is. Whether he gets jail time or not, you've taught him one important lesson - now you hit back, figuratively, because you're no longer afraid to get him arrested and press charges. Believe me, that's more important than whether he serves time or how long. Bullies don't like kids who hit back. Hit him with everything you've got, and make sure he knows you'll do it again at the drop of a hat. And then don't talk to him ever again. He'll most likely go looking for a more willing victim.
You're very courageous! Hang in there and don't back down!
--- Steve
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Apr 7, 2018 18:36:08 GMT
Hi Shocked, I think you are doing all the right stuff at this point. Glad your stepdad is helping out and supporting you. The cameras are so great and I bet he will back down now that you have the cameras in place. He knows he will be recorded and he certainly doesn't want that.
We wish they all would get put away for a million years! I agree with Steve..you are sending him a very clear message and that is you are not willing to take his crap anymore. He may back off, he may not, but at least he is seeing you are not cowering. Some guys just don't give up, some do. It depends I guess on how determined they are to make a point.
I got lucky with my ex-boyfriend's ex-wife. I knew her first and last name and found her on FB. I located her to apologize for being the "other woman". The ex lied to me about his relationship with his wife at the time he and I started to talk. Talking to her confirmed everything I had learned about him being abusive. Some of what he did to me was identical to what he did to her. It was just a thought to try and connect with her. I am sure he only shared a little bit, he doesn't want you to find her. The ex-wife and I joke now about how pissed the jerk probably is knowing she and I are friends. There is a little justice. We are waiting for his current wife to run at some point.
Stand strong Shocked..I think you are headed in the right direction and doing great!
|
|
|
Post by Shocked on Apr 7, 2018 18:49:49 GMT
I got some good news! I just got a call from my court advocate that the 911 operator said that he did hear the banging on the door and not only that but he's willing to testify to it in court on Tuesday! I'm absolutely amazed. He didn't owe me a thing...I was just grateful for him being there for me that night. This is above and beyond. Of course there's no proof it was my ex banging on my door...but my main goal is to get the protection order extended to at least one year. I hope this helps my chances.
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Apr 7, 2018 19:17:35 GMT
YAY!!!! That is really good news! 911 operators are very dedicated people, they listen, they pay attention to what is happening when you call and they know to figure out what is happening. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this will definitely help your case!
If you get the order extended, I urge you to make sure you call the police ANY TIME you believe he is violating it. I say this, because just the other day I was talking to a patient I work with and she has a "life time" restraining order against her ex-husband. She divorced him 23 years ago and she is still very afraid that he is looking for her. She refers to it as "just a piece of paper". BUT, they work if they are enforced.
You are right, that you do not have any proof, but since all this started, it is very obvious to me that it is him trying to get at you. And I truly hope the judge will see this. At this point, I would take all the evidence you have and use it.
I am happy for you!!!
|
|
|
Post by Shocked on Apr 11, 2018 4:43:04 GMT
Today was the hearing. I got it extended to six months. We were going for a year. Honestly I don't think it matters. Today just enforced the fact that it's just a piece of paper. He spent the first half of the hearing repeatedly looking over at me and smiling, until the judge said if he looked at me again he'd be charged with contempt. I don't think it's going to stop him. If he really wants to come after me he will. He's proven that.
I'm still up wracking my brain, asking why. I went out with the asshole for 4 months, that's all. And then he went six months without him bothering me...thought he was gone for good. Why come back after all that time? Why?? I've talked to 4 different DV counselors, other women at the shelter and none of them have heard of someone showing back up after 6 months of no contact. I had someone even say we must have had *some* type if contact, there had to be *something* he was holding onto all that time. But no. I went zero contact like I was supposed to. And he came back. It may not be normal but it's happening. Even if he stays away for another six months, I feel like I'm never going to be able to relax again.
|
|