steve
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Post by steve on Apr 11, 2018 18:52:21 GMT
Good job. And I would consider it more than "just a piece of paper" - it carries with it the threat of jail time. Is he the kind of person who doesn't care if he goes to jail or not? If he isn't, this should provide a deterrent. Additionally, you've shown you're not afraid to take him on in court and make him suffer consequences for his actions. Not saying you should leave your doors unlocked or anything, but if he continues, report him every time and insist on a response. If his contact with you nets no contact except with the police, he'll get bored pretty quickly.
It is unusual but not extremely rare for abusers to return to the hunt months or even years after the fact. Your encounter with him no doubt revved up his engines again, and he started fantasizing about what it would be like if you got back together again. You "disappointed him" by not cooperating with his distorted fantasies, so he feels justified in punishing you or trying to wheedle you back into his control again. You've done what you needed to do. Keep doing it, and make sure he gets no reaction out of you besides calling the police on him. My guess is that he will quit pretty fast once he sees you're not going to give him the satisfaction of getting upset about his nonsense.
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karen
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Post by karen on Apr 12, 2018 1:09:26 GMT
Hi Shocked, You are right, it is a piece of paper, but it is really more than that. It is very powerful, it says he will be arrested ANY time he breaks the order. I am so glad they gave you 6 months, here's to hoping he gets the message and goes away.
My thought is you have to call every time he comes close. It sends a clear message that you are serious about keeping him out of your life. The very fact that the judge noticed he was messing with you by smiling at you? That is HUGE and a big relief that the judge is serious about DV and stalking and the abuse.
Sometimes there is never a good answer as to why they won't let go. I suspect it is because they somehow believe that the only thing you should want in this world is them, like you should have the same fantasy that they have about the two of you being together.
I am thinking focusing on you and healing and going forward may help. My gut says be vigilant though, don't rely on the restraining order to deter him 100%. Meaning, perhaps invest in some pepper spray or mace. Be ready to defend yourself if you have to. Hopefully you never will have to, but this guy has proven that one can't rely on him to be decent. I have friends that carry guns. I am not an advocate for that, but I do believe women need to know how to get away from a situation that is dangerous. We have to be prepared because we can't trust that guys or even girls are going to be good and kind.
I hope you can find a way to relax, at least on some level. I know it isn't easy, it takes time. This situation is life changing. Finding a way to go forward, being stronger, smarter, and braver, maybe that is what may be next.
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Post by Mark on Apr 13, 2018 4:32:43 GMT
I'm sorry to tell you this, but my stepdaughter was assaulted tonight. She was driving from the shelter back here to her house, her mother and I were waiting for her and she never showed up. The police found her car on the side of the highway and she was on the ground barely conscious. initially they thought it was just an accident but when the paramedics got her into the ambulance it was clear it was not. It looks like she did rear end someone but when she stopped they believe she was forced out of her car through the window and she was beaten. The doctors said physically she will make a full recovery but emotionally she's in shock and won't talk. Really, I think we all know who it was and the police have questioned her ex-boyfriend but he claims he was somewhere else and he's got an alibi. They said they had to let him go. I can't believe that, even with pending felony charges, that they couldn't keep him. She's gone to sleep now, we're hoping when morning comes she'll be able to tell the police what happened and they'll be able to lock him up.
I know I'm probably grasping at straws here but I was wondering if she'd said anything to anyone here, more than what's written here, maybe in a private message, about him saying anything to her, or threatening her? Her mother and I are sitting here wracking our brains for anything we can use to get her talking tomorrow if she still won't. It's the only way they'll be able to arrest him. We've talked to her close friends and to the shelter and they all said she hasn't said anything to them. Our fear is that he's threatened her tonight, to stop her from telling that it was him.
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karen
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Post by karen on Apr 14, 2018 2:07:52 GMT
Hi Mark,
OMG..I am so so sorry this happened! Oh my gosh. Please tell your stepdaughter I am thinking of her! I can't believe he is not locked up and if he didn't do it, then he is behind it.
She did not tell me anything other than what is written here. I don't know her real name and haven't had any contact with her other than through this forum.
She is in shock and from what she has written here, she was afraid of him. I suspect the only way she will talk is to know he is in jail and she is fully protected..like he will be shot if he comes near her. He has traumatized her, this whole situation is beyond crazy and he does just enough to not be caught. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he didn't threaten her.
I am in tears thinking of her, this so so awful. Please let us know how she is doing. I wish there was more I can tell you, but I didn't have any private conversations with her.
Please give her a hug from all of us here. She is in my prayers, and I truly hope he gets what he has coming to him.
Karen
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Post by Mark on Apr 14, 2018 6:45:16 GMT
Hello Karen,
She is doing ok physically, she's hurting but she's hanging in there. The police finally went back today and brought him in and they're keeping him. She still wouldn't talk this morning. Not even to her mother. She just stared out the window and cried. She wouldn't say a word. I admit I lost it with them (outside of my daughter's hospital room, mind you). They kept telling her this morning that she just had to confirm that it was him and they could lock him up. I told them to cut the crap, I KNOW that in this state they are allowed to hold a him on suspicion ALONE for up to 3 days without charging him. I told them there was no way in hell she was going to say anything with him still out on the street. I said, this all took place less than 72 hours after she had a 6 month restraining order imposed on him. Who the hell else would have done it? They left the hospital and a few hours later they were back telling us that he's been locked up. She didn't have to say anything, they just asked if it was him and she nodded. That was enough, he's being charged with aggravated assault. The police also apologized. They were not the officers who questioned him last night, but they said he should have been brought in then. They told her mother and I that he had red scratches clearly visible on his face. She fought back. I'm not surprised but he's a big guy, 6'3, and he outweighs her by at least 100 pounds. She didn't have a chance. He's a goddamn bully.
She's beginning to talk to us, little by little. The police are coming back tomorrow to take a statement. She said she'd talk to them only after they agreed to have an officer posted 24/7 outside her door for as long as she's here, and only because I think she realizes that her testimony is essential. I've known her since she was 10 years old and she's a tough girl. Incredibly tough. I believe that's how she got away from him as quickly as she did, and how she stuck to her guns so strongly when he tried to get her back. But she's not doing good. She's scared out of her mind. She's having nightmares. I still don't know what he said to her, she still won't say. Someone from mental health is coming to speak with her tomorrow morning, before the police come. We're hopeful we'll have more answers then.
I've let her know I was giving you all an update and she's okay with it. But I'll leave the rest to her when she's ready. I don't want to overstep my boundaries by saying too much. Thank you so much for all you do here, Karen. I appreciate it and I know my daughter does too.
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karen
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Post by karen on Apr 14, 2018 11:52:55 GMT
Hi Mark and Shocked (if she reads this)..I am so very glad he is locked up, may they throw away the key!! Your daughter is tough, she has done all the right things to keep this guy away from her. They are monsters, and it is so horrible what they get away with. I hope those scratches leave scars and he be reminded everyday of what a shithead he is when he looks in the mirror and sees that a woman isn't going to take that crap from him. The police officers..so glad they apologized, they should have and really interesting that they didn't see the scratches when they first went to interview him.
I know she is terrified and she has every reason to be. She is very fortunate to have you and her mother helping and supporting her. She has symptoms of PTSD more than likely and with counselling and a lot of support, she can begin to heal from all of this.
I suspect the jerk threatened her, or you or her mother. Abusers will go after everyone we care about, because hurting innocent people plays into our heartstrings. My ex-husband threatened to hurt my daughter (emotionally) and it is one of the things I will never forgive him for. The jerk said something that really has struck to her core and that is probably what is motivating her to not speak. I am really relieved to hear that she will have police presence outside her door. Abusers have friends..and they are usually just as stupid as they are. So he could have jerks he knows who would love to get back at a woman for putting their buddy in jail. Be vigilant still.
Thank you for keeping us updated Mark. We are here to listen and support whenever she is ready and wanting to share. My thoughts and prayers are with her. She did all the right things..and you are right, she is incredibly brave, incredibly smart, she deserved none of this and she didn't cause him to be abusive. Her shithead ex ought to be the one afraid!
Karen
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steve
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Post by steve on Apr 15, 2018 3:22:30 GMT
OMG, what a complete bastard! He will be up for a nice, long prison sentence if she tells them what happened. This is a particularly evil crime, as he actually sought her out, intentionally caused an accident and then beat her senseless in the street. Even the most old-fashioned and poorly educated judge or police officer would mark this out as an aggravated assault. I hope she is able to speak her piece and let them know it was him. He deserves to rot in a worse place than jail for this kind of behavior. I hope they lock him up for the rest of his life - scumbags like him don't deserve to be allowed to pollute our society!
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Post by Mila on Apr 16, 2018 6:36:24 GMT
Hi,
My real name. I don't see any reason to keep it a secret at this point.
I talked to the police yesterday and I told them everything. The mental health counselor was with me the whole time which was a lifesaver because I don't think I could have done it without her. It took almost 3 hours because I had to keep stopping, I left things out because it hurt to much to talk about, and then I had to go back and tell them because I'm so scared if I leave even the smallest detail out he won't go to prison and I'll be hiding for the rest of my life. He said it, he said he'd find me anywhere, he said never gives up. And I believe it. I don't know how he does it, but he does. I thought I was safe that night. How could he know that I was moving that night, and at that time? And where I was moving from? It was dark, I don't see how he just happened to see me on the highway.
And I can't stop thinking I could have prevented the whole thing. I knew he caused the accident. He cut me off and then slammed on his brakes. It happened so fast I didn't even have time to hit mine. I didn't know it was him but I feel like I should have known. I know I shouldn't have pulled over. I should have backed up and driven off, gone to the police, called 911. By the time I realized it was him, I couldn't do anything. He hit me with something hard, and it stunned me. I still can't even remember how he got me out of the car. I just remember finding myself on the ground with him on top of me and coming to the realization that I was on the passenger's side so people driving by wouldn't be able to see. He had my shirt up and he was trying to unfasten my jeans. And I couldn't just let him do it. I would have done anything to stop it. That's all I have to hold on to, he didn't get what he came for. But God did it make him angry. The look in his eyes, I can't forget
I'm sorry, I have to stop. This is so hard. I'm going to have to testify and I don't know how I'm going to do it. I know he's in jail but I feel like he's still watching me. It feels like he's all around me. And I feel like I'm never going to feel safe again.
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karen
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Post by karen on Apr 16, 2018 10:08:50 GMT
Hi Mila, beautiful name, like you I am sure! Hugs to you my friend, you have been through hell and back and survived to talk about it. Thank you for checking in. What he did was horrific and he needs to sit in jail and rot.
I don't know how he figured out all the details, that is the scary part. I know there are tracking apps and things like that on phones, but I have no idea how they work. I hate the thought that someone tipped him off.
I know you feel like you could have done something different, that you caused him to do this or you should have known. We can't know, we can't cover every scenario and be prepared for it. You did the very best you could with what your brain could handle at that moment. You stopped him from raping you..THAT IS HUGE! How strong and brave you were!!
He plotted this..it was pre-meditated, he caused the accident, he molested you and all of those things HE is responsible for.. HIM! He is angry?? If all the abused women in the US alone got together and unleashed their RAGE on shits like him, he has no idea what angry can be!
It is ok to stop, and no apologies and it is ok to take a break from all this. What he did is unforgivable. It is ok to feel the way you are feeling. All I can think is he has friends or buddies or people he knows who are helping him. He is a sociopath.
Take one hour at a time, take care of you right now.
You are so good Mila, and you have done all the right things. This is all HIM..and he will pay. He wants you to believe that he will not stop, he wants to scare you and he wants to control and manipulate you. Take some deep breaths, focus on you.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, we are here still!
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Post by Mark on Apr 17, 2018 16:33:21 GMT
Mila is in the ICU. She was feeling better yesrerday but she fell ill last night with nausea and dizziness and very low blood pressure. She was diagnosed with a bruised spleen when she first came in but they repeated the CT scan last night and she has what they call delayed splenic rupture and she is bleeding internally. It's not a severe bleed but she's had to have a blood transfusion. They are hopeful it will heal on its own and she'll be able to avoid surgery. She's young and normally healthy so her chances are good. She's also got a cracked rib, another reason they don't want to operate. She's going to have to be monitored for the next several days.
Sick bastard kicked her over and over again. He only stopped after she began to vomit. She'd just had dinner before she left the shelter and they said that may have actually saved her.
I'm sure she'll update you later, right now she's still pretty out of it.
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karen
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Post by karen on Apr 18, 2018 1:34:35 GMT
Hi Mark..OMG..this nightmare just keeps getting worse, my heart aches for Mila. Please tell her to focus on getting better. We are here whenever she is ready.
They need to update the charge to "attempted murder"..because that is what it sounds like to me. He could've killed her. I don't know if it is possible to do that, but I wonder if the police know how serious her injuries are? Bleeding internally is not good. I really hope they charge him with attempted murder, he will be in jail for a very long time and deserve every second he gets to sit there and rot.
She is in my prayers..thinking of you and her Mom and hoping you all are ok. Thank you for keeping us updated!
Karen
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