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Post by samantha on Apr 1, 2018 7:46:04 GMT
My husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. Well, sort of celebrated. I've never seen him so happy. I played my part for the day, but inside I'm falling apart. He tells me I'm crazy all the time. Always grabbing my arms and asking what the f--- is wrong with me. He is always right, and if I don't agree with him then I just don't understand because I'm too simple-minded, or I don't have enough life experience, or I don't listen to him enough. He always tells me he's just trying to help me understand. I've been with him since I was 17 and he was 24. I don't know anything else.
He never hits me. He grabs my arms tightly, pushes me against the wall, pins me down on the bed, grabs me by the jaw. He doesn't lose his temper. It's always when he's trying to make a point. He doesn't yell either. At least not first. He only yells if I yell first. Which used to be a lot but not anymore. He'd say I brought all on myself because I can't keep my temper in check. If I'd just shut my mouth and listen, we might accomplish something. --this meaning he might be able to convince me to see things his way. If tell him he's hurting me, he tells me I'm being melodramatic and oh, it's not that bad. When he leaves bruises, he tells me that I need to get more iron because I bruise too easily.
He almost always wants sex after. I was at my cousins a few weeks ago and I saw one episode of that new show, Big Little Lies, where Perry assaults Celeste and right after, they have rough sex. I had to run into the bathroom so no one would see me breaking down. My husband does that and he can get very rough as well. He once shoved me face down on the kitchen table and got so rough I couldn't stay on my feet so he got a chair for me to put my knees on while he finished. After, he looked at me, waiting for me to express appreciation for the gesture and acted shocked that I didn't. I don't tell him no. I used to, but it only started another argument and made it worse the next time. I'm afraid to say no. I learned to cry silently during the act no matter how much it hurts so that he doesn't go off about how sensitive I am. Seeing that scene woke me up. I didn't see it before. Or at least when I started questioning whether what was happening was abuse, I was able to talk myself out of it because he's never actually hit me. I told myself he was just really passionate. And he says he only does it because he loves me.
This has been going on since the second year of our marriage. It was only once in a while at first and he'd always say he was sorry. If he grabbed me and I said he was hurting me, he'd act surprised and let go right away. He would say he didn't mean it, he didn't realize what he was doing. But it's changed...very very gradually, from that to saying he's was tired of me causing drama and to stop overreacting. I don't say anything much anymore because if I make enough of a fuss to get him to stop, it will come up in the next argument and he'll use it to make even more of a point the next time.
Lately he's been getting on me about spending so much time with my mother. I go over there for a few hours every Sunday afternoon to have coffee and talk. My mother is in her mid 70's and all alone since my dad died. She was 47 when I was born. I was her surprise baby. She had my 3 siblings in her 20's and she thought she was beginning menopause when she had an ultrasound for suspected ovarian cancer and there I was, about 5 months along. My siblings have children and grandchildren and have moved away. So I'm all she has. My husband used to fully support it but he's always trying to get in the way of the visits happening. A few months ago he ran out of gas on the highway and I had to come and pick him up. On a Sunday afternoon. Another time, he said he felt dizzy and like he was going to pass out so I had to leave my mother's to get him and take him to the urgent care. He managed to get over it before we got there. I think it has to do with the fact that my mother doesn't like him much...she never has. And she isn't good at hiding her feelings. She's told me before that she's worried about me and she doesn't think he's good for me. But she's supportive of me no matter what.
Everyone else in our lives thinks he's a saint. They'd never believe that he'd do the things he's done. I'm afraid if I separate from him, or even say anything, I'll be painted as the bad guy. He's even said to me, you know they'll listen to me. They know how well I've always taken care of you. And you know how short-tempered you are and how much you overreact. And I believe him so I stay.
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Apr 1, 2018 19:56:31 GMT
Hi Samantha, welcome here! I am very sorry you find yourself in a marriage that is not healthy or happy. From what you have written, your husband is abusive and what he is doing is wrong.
He is abusing you emotionally, sexually, and now he is trying to isolate you and keep you from those who support you. Please don't let him separate you from those who you trust. He believes the only person in your life who should matter is HIM. I suspect the abuse is getting worse and he could very well hit you at some point. Domestic Violence follows a pattern and it tends to get worse and more intense as time goes by.
None of what is happening is your fault. NONE OF IT!. He says you are crazy and overreacting. You are not. Your inner voice, your "gut" is telling you the truth and that is that he is ABUSIVE an it will get worse. He is also probably afraid you will leave and that is why he is trying to isolate you. He doesn't want ANYONE to convince you to leave. He sees them as a threat and is starting to do anything he can to keep you with him.
He is not a saint and he gets everyone to see him that way so he can make himself look great to the family or community you live in. You mother probably doesn't like him because she sees him for what he really is. I have been where you are, no one would have believed my ex was abusive, he was very convincing to others that he was such a good guy. They had no idea what was going on behind closed doors. My ex said those same words to me that yours said to you. He told me once, "I will send e-mails to all of the family, especially your parents, they will all learn that you are really not a Christian, they will see the real you and hate you". He has convinced everyone by "painting a picture" when you both are in public,so he will look good and you will not. I was afraid to leave because I didn't want to be the bad guy. As time went on, I was more afraid to stay.
I left and I was the bad guy. BUT recently, my ex-sister-in -laws were on the receiving end of his abuse (he substituted his sisters for me). They recently told my kids "I can see why your Mother left him, he is horrible". DUH!
I hope you will come to point where you stop believing anything he tells you. ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. He lies, he manipulates, he controls, and confuses you, he calls you names, and he physically hurts you. He doesn't have to hit to hurt, to do damage.
I don't know what your next step is. I would suggest a few things that may help. Call a National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can remain anonymous, but you can share your story with a counselor who can help you to "make sense of what is happening". You can get a lot of support from those centers. It is free. Those Centers are there to help, the very fact that they exist? Tell me this is a serious problem. ABUSE is real and it can kill.
I would also suggest learning as much about Domestic Violence as you can. You may say "why do I need to do that?" Because the more you learn and come to understand what he is doing to you, the more you will be able to survive and begin to figure out what is really going on. There are a few really good books out there that can help you. I strongly recommend these books, they will help you to understand what is going on. "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft..this is my "bible" when it comes to understanding what they do and why. "Jerk Radar"..by Steve McCrea..he gathered many of his stories in the book from women on this forum. He visits this forum at times and offers some really great support.
If you do anything at this point, I urge you to start to listen to your inner voice. Please know.THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT..YOU DID NOT MAKE HIM ABUSIVE. He has been ABUSIVE since the day you met him. He spun a webb..a very charming, handsome, "loving", way to hook you and now he is becoming worse. He has been ABUSING women since he was old enough to start learning how to treat other people. THIS IS HIS FAULT..you are not overreacting, in fact you are incredibly insightful and dead on in your assessment of what is happening in your marriage. I would bet you do not have a short temper..you have a guy who does what they call "Gaslighting" and causes you to defend yourself against his manipulation and abuse. He has confused you and hurt you and you are learning that it is WRONG.
Samantha, please post here as often as you want. We will support you, no judgement, nothing but support and understanding. If you choose to leave..and you have EVERY reason to do that, please call a National Domestic Violence Hotline and ask for a safe plan to leave. You don't have to live like this, there is a light at the end of this very "dark tunnel" you find yourself in and you can get out and find happiness. You deserve to be happy, to be loved, and to have a great life. You do not deserve and NEVER have deserved this jerk in your life. I know you love him, I know you are afraid, but please know, he lies to you everyday. He abuses you every day. Life can be "normal" again. You don't have to live like this.
Karen
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Post by samantha on Apr 2, 2018 5:01:31 GMT
Hi Karen, normal sounds great. Though I'm afraid I don't remember what that is anymore. I'm so busy trying to survive day to day. On good days I pretend we are like any other couple but it never lasts long. I can sense when things are about to go wrong again. He used to promise that things were going to change and so I'd talk myself into believing that this was the time he was finally going to keep that promise but he doesn't promise anything anymore. He just goes on like nothing unusual has happened and I die a little inside. I know this is NOT normal but I can't imagine what normal would even be like. I see other people living supposedly normal lives but I don't feel like I belong there. I'm feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I remember life feeling pretty normal when I was little, but I started rebelling at a young age. By 11-12 I was running around, drinking, smoking. With my older siblings, my mother stayed at home. But with me both of my parents were working full time. I was home alone a lot starting in middle school. I maintained my grades so they didn't realize what all I was up to until I was 14-15 and by then I'd been with three guys, one not entirely with my consent, and had a pregnancy scare. They made me get an after school job as soon as I turned 16 to keep me busy and I sort of cleaned up my act. When I met my husband, I told them he was 20, instead of 24. They didn't know the truth until right before our wedding day. Anyway, I don't know what my point is, only that my life has been chaotic for damn near 20 years. Normal is an unknown dimension. Not normal is my normal. I probably don't make any sense but I don't know how else to explain it.
I don't want to stay in this place. I want to find a real normal. I can't deny what's happening anymore. I'm just afraid of jumping out of the fire pan into the fire. I'm afraid of losing people I love. Even my in-laws. I know they love me too but I also know he's their son and whose side they'd be on. I'm also afraid of not being able to support myself. I haven't worked in 7 years. He convinced me to quit. I thought it would make things better but they got worse instead. My fear of leaving is the same, ending up in a worse situation than I am now. At least with him, I *sort of* know what to expect. I just want to make the right decision for once. How do you get up the courage to just go for it?
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Apr 2, 2018 13:42:10 GMT
Hi Samantha, I read your post a little bit ago and have been thinking about all you said. I know that feeling of being afraid that whatever else is out there in the world, that it may be worse than what is going on in your home. It is a legitimate fear. You don't know what will happen, you don't know what will come..good or bad. It is the fear of the unknown. I was very afraid of that. It took me a few years to really decide to leave. For me though, I didn't know I was in an abusive marriage. I knew I was not happy, I knew and had accepted that my husband "just didn't have it in him to be loving towards me". I had come to believe that, so I loved him more. It didn't work. I also have 2 daughters with him, I knew leaving would upset their world terribly, it would upset a lot of people's world (my parents, my siblings, my daughters, my in-laws, my husband's extended family that was about 30 people). I knew it would be a risk. I also believed that my in-laws would agree with me for leaving, that they would see him for what he is. My sister-in-law told me once "If you guys ever break up, we will keep you and get rid of him". Well, she didn't live up to what she said. BUT I trusted that they would understand. I was basically unwelcome at "family" functions. They hurt me badly. 4 years later, I think they regret their choice. BUT..I have learned that if people really care about me, they will stick by me and I can say MANY people stuck by me, some I never thought would. So it is very risky and challenging to leave. You ask "How do you get up the courage and just go for it"? I was thinking how I did this. First, I realized looking back, that I grieved the loss of my marriage before I left. I had already started to stop loving him. In fact, I had come to the point where I despised him. We went to counseling, I told him several times how I felt and he did nothing except turn it all around on me and blamed me for everything. (Abusive tactic I learned later). I also went to counselling for myself and after a while, I had come to the conclusion that I was never going to be happy. I literally woke up one day and this feeling of DREAD came over me. I was never going to have a man who truly loved me, a person so share my joys with, or to dream with, or to travel with, or to just have someone compliment me, or hug me spontaneously. We were $50,000 in debt thanks to the asshole..we had a house that I was paying all the bills for, he had ruined 2 cars..both accidents, and he gambled every penny he earned..which was only less than $100 a day. I think the day I realized that he was taking money from me and the kids to pay the "guy up the store he borrowed $1000" from, did it. He didn't know this guy and I was afraid. All of that "DREAD"..made me decided to change my life. I was 48 years old, I was full of rage toward this guy who promised to take care of me, and love me til "death do us part"..and he hadn't done that since after about 2 years into the marriage. So, I honestly think it just comes from way down deep inside to where I had decided that I wanted to ENJOY the rest of my life. I worked with the dying at that time, I saw people's life ending. I didn't want my life to end and I hadn't gotten to be happy. So I took a leap of faith, I went to an attorney and got legal advice, I had worked it out with my sister to live with her and I put a plan in place to make sure I was at my house everyday to take care of my kids. The asshole would not move out of the house, so I knew the only way to get moving towards a divorce was that I had to leave. I had to keep paying the bills because I wanted to sell the house and get out of debt, so I had to keep up the bills. My kids were devastated. It was not easy, I made a huge mistake and got a boyfriend from an online dating site(I do not recommend finding a partner this way) who abused me worse than my now ex. I wanted to be loved, I wanted some happiness. I looked to a man for that and I have learned that that isn't always where to find it. It has been a long journey, but I have never been happier than I am now. I have my own home..it brings me peace and joy. My children are thriving..one is graduating from an Ivy League University in May, the other is graduating from High School..number one in her class. I found many many things along my journey to help me. I also have a huge faith in the Good Lord above. I grew, I changed, I healed, I learned so much about me, I learned how to get rid of things that hurt me and are not good for me. I learned to let go. My ex was a hoarder. Half of the things in my house went to Good Will or out in the trash..it was so hard. It isn't easy..but it was and is so worth it. The ex-boyfriend was horribly abusive..but I found a friend in his ex-wife. I learned what really matters. I learned to face the hurt. II learned that I don't deserve to be abused, I learned that I really was not the problem, I learned that everything was not my fault, and I learned that my feelings and thoughts and dreams really are important and do matter. I learned to love myself..I am still learning. AND I wouldn't go back to either the ex-husband or the ex-boyfriend for all the money in the world. If you told me I would be happy, healthy, enjoying me and my life 5 years ago, I would have told you you were crazy. So there can be success. I can't tell you how to find your courage.I can't tell you what will happen if you leave..I can tell you what will happen if you stay. It will get worse, he will continue to abuse you because he believes you deserve it. It will continue to hurt, it will continue to be confusing, and it will affect you both physically and mentally. To me, staying was worse than leaving. I saw a quote this morning and it made me think of you. I am a Winnie The Pooh fan..this got me through some tough times too. Hope it helps you. " Promise me you'll always remember, You are braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think". Winnie the Pooh...A.A.Milne.
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Post by samantha on Apr 3, 2018 19:36:40 GMT
It happened again. It all started when we went to dinner last night with some friends and while he was away from me one of them asked if I was interested in a part-time job. I was. In fact I've been mentioning going back to work for a while now but he keeps coming uo with reasons why it's a bad idea. I told my friend I was interested but I'd get back to her. Before we left she told me not to forget to let her know about the job. My husband heard and he smiled but when we got home he went off because I didn't talk to him about it first. I told him I had just heard about it and I didn't say yes yet. But he wouldn't listen. He said we're supposed to be in this together and I shouldn't even talk about making such a "big" (a part-time job?) without discussing it with him first. He also went off because he'd been on the computer and noticed the history had been deleted. I told him it was just because it was slowing the computer down but he wouldn't believe me. He wanted to know who I'd been talking to. It was really bad this time. As in I'm having to go out to the store in long sleeves and long pants because he dug his knees into me so hard. I cant stand this.
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Post by samantha on Apr 3, 2018 23:48:55 GMT
And, he just called about an hour ago and said he wants to go out for a "romantic night" when he gets home from work. After what he did to me last night...he's got nerve. I told him it's hard to feel romantic when you're black and blue and it hurts to walk. I don't know what came over me. I haven't talked to him like that in years. I don't know--I've never told anybody anything of what's really been going on but ever since I did, even if it was just on an online message board, I've been feeling really really angry. I'm used to holding it in and I'm still trying to but I feel like I'm going to explode. Anyway I immediately regretted saying what I did. He told me he's fucking sick of my "poor me" shit, he said he knows he went a little far--a "little far--and he's trying to make up for it and I ought to show some gratitude. I apologized. Profusely. And I'm angry at myself for it. I wish I'd finished telling him what I was really thinking. I was afraid of what would happen when he got home if I didn't convince him I was sorry. But there it is. When you get to the point where you're apologizing for having done nothing wrong because you're afraid of what he might do. How can you keep on pretending you have even a slightly normal relationship?
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Apr 4, 2018 0:14:30 GMT
Hey Samantha, we keep pretending because we know if we don't the abuse will get worse. You have every right to be angry, in fact your husband ought to feel lucky he is able to walk because I want to kick him where he will always think of what it means to hurt.
Samantha, I urge you to call a DV hotline and talk to a counselor. I know you are afraid, but your husband is going to keep hurting you. And it is going to get worse. I am afraid for you. You didn't do anything wrong, you NEVER have. This is all him. He is abusive, he is going to keep hurting you, he is going to keep belittling you and he very well will hurt you so bad you will end up in the hospital. He knows he went "a little far"..no he doesn't. He doesn't care how far he went, he said that to make you feel better. None of his remorse is genuine.
What came over you is the knowledge that he is abusive and he is WRONG. You are not the problem, you are not at fault. What came over you is anger that this guy who claims to love you is really a bad person. It's a sickening feeling when you know that what he is doing is ON PURPOSE and he truly believes he has every right to abuse you. EVERY RIGHT. And he doesn't.
I can't tell you to leave, but it is what I want to say to you. You have to decide when it is time or if that time will come. But, a counselor at your local Domestic Violence Center will help you put a plan in place if you want to leave. I would suggest going to your local library if you can and use the computer there. Staying safe is imperative for you.
Abusive relationships are not normal by any means. Pretending is very difficult. At some point, it is going to get very difficult to keep pretending. It sounds like you are almost to that point, if you are not already there. I know you don't want to involve the police or go to an ER. But you have every right to do that. He is assaulting you and it is against the law.
Please don't beat yourself up, you are doing the best you can with what you have to work with. Focus on staying safe. The anger you are feeling towards him..I know that anger and it is what made me leave. My anger turned to RAGE.
You don't have to live like this and it can get better. If you need a hotline number, let me know, I will find one for you. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Hugs to you Samantha, I know this is hard.
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Post by anonymama on Apr 4, 2018 1:52:30 GMT
Oh Honey my thoughts are with you. I am only a few months out of a horrifically abusive relationship. I see your husband escalating and leaving will be something you need to plan carefully, and in absolute secrecy. He
. I was the proverbial frog in slowly boiling water. The first time he pushed me, I fought back. The first time he choked me, I stabbed him, and he told me if I ever fought him again he would kill me. I believed him every time he said he would. My normal was a cycle based around the typical Power and control wheel and the honey moon periods got shorter and shorter and by the time I realized how much danger I was in, there were knives to my neck and I was locked in my house for 3 days getting beaten like I never knew was possible for a human being to be treated. I was scared as anything but I knew I had to get out or die. I read and read for months— why does he do that will paint a picture of your husband I promise. Call the DV Hotline whenever you can. I swear I called them 20 times, even just to vent while keeping a facade.
Do whatever you can to stay safe. And please consider making your exit. This man is dangerous. He is sick and until he realizes that and does something about it, you are at risk.
I had to run far and stop all contact for a good while until I was truly safe. And now that I am, sweet girl I am telling you the new normal is amazing. I’m not scared. I’m not walking on eggshells. I am rebuilding the relationships I was isolated from. I’m not walking around in pain hiding bruises or black eyes. I am slowly rebuilding my torn down self. It takes a while but it feels much better than living in fear.
As to how to pretend, well venting to the DV counselor helped and when he tried to have sex with me I pretended I was a porn star or alternatively I just comforted myself by telling him in my head “I am going to leave you.”. And I just kept reminding myself that his hurtful words were control tactics and reminding myself of my good qualities and leaning on whatever support I had to help me through.
Karen is really great and I check in once in a while and even though I am new to this freedom I am happy to help you through this situation.
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Post by anonymama on Apr 4, 2018 1:55:25 GMT
Oops I meant to say he sounds abusive and controlling and like hyoi should be very careful, because he is escalating the abuse, and as long as he feels like he is losing control it will get worse. So in my experience it was best to pretend to cede control and then take it back all at once with whatever resources you need to do that. He will not let you go easily. Don’t let that stop you if you want your situation to improve. Good luck!
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steve
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Post by steve on Apr 7, 2018 3:56:38 GMT
"A little far..." Sounds like a BIT of an understatement! And you're supposed to be grateful that he's "trying to make it up to you!" Sheesh! But it is normal to try and protect yourself, because you know talking logic to him won't work at all.
It's OK to pretend as you need to for safety. The real question is: what now? You have clearly seen what he's capable of, and that he has not the slightest bit of remorse for his actions. What are you thinking about for your future? What do you think might be your next steps?
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Post by samantha on Apr 7, 2018 6:54:38 GMT
Hi again Karen, and hello anonymama and steve. I need help. I don't know what to do anymore. I'll be honest I've been drinking so I hope this all makes sense. I don't know what my plans because I'm just trying to survive at the moment. I feel guilty and angry and afraid all the time. I've actually called the hotline 4 times in the last 24 hours but I haven't been able to get anything out. I just fall apart. If you stay on the line long enough without saying anything, they'll try to get a conversation started but it doesn't make a difference. I can't get anything out. Even my family, I want to tell someone but I'm afraid to. I feel if I'd gotten out 7 or 8 years ago when it all started, they would have understood and been proud of me for standing up to him and getting out. But I'm not so sure they would understand me staying as long as I have. I imagine them taking his side, saying it must not have been that bad or I would have left. And the longer I stay, the worse I imagine their reaction and the harder it feels to tell them the truth. I feel so alone. This is the only place I can talk about it. I can stop typing when I can't deal with it anymore and start again when I'm ready. But people don't have the patience for that in real life.
Everything was ok for a couple of days after my last post. We had our "romantic" night and he acted sweet and gentle, and I think I played my part well enough to make him believe we're ok again. But I can already feel it starting all over again. I noticed when I talked to him on the phone this afternoon. He's tense about something though he wouldn't say what. I totally lost it after I hung up the phone. He's working late tonight so I've had nothing but time to think about it. I screamed, broke some things, and I've been drinking a lot tonight, which I hadn't done in years but lately I'm turning to it more and more. I feel totally out of control. So much rage I think I'm going to explode. And it's mostly at myself, when it should be at him. I used to have weeks, even months at a time in between to breathe. Now it feels almost constant. It feels like I'm either recovering or waiting for him to snap. I just want some peace! I know I should be doing more to help myself. When he says I'm pathetic I believe it because I know he's right. I know what I should do but when I try I freeze. I know if people knew what I'll was going on, they'd believe it too. Who just sits around waiting for it to happen and then just lets it happen. Doesn't try to escape or even fight back. I can't even say I'm staying because I love him anymore. I haven't felt love for him in a long time. It's because I have no strength left, emotionally or physically to resist. My appetite is pretty much gone, I just can't be bothered. A few months ago when I went to my mom's for my weekly visit, she cried when she saw me...she was sure I had developed an eating disorder. I had to force down a huge meal to convince her I didn't. I feel like giving up completely sometimes. But I still feel a small part of me struggling to get out and wanting to keep fighting. I don't want to live this way anymore. I just don't know what to do.
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Apr 7, 2018 19:04:26 GMT
HI Samantha, you can pack a bag and leave. Go to your local DV center and walk in. You don't have to talk, just go. The very fact that you walk in says enough right there.
I know you are afraid, but what is the worst thing that can happen? Your mother is smart, she knows something is going on and anyone who judges you at this point, maybe they are not the people you need in your life right now? I was shocked when I talked to my friends and found out how many of them have been in abusive relationships. At least half of them and each of us has a horrible story, but we also have a positive story to tell too. ''
You can go to a shelter, you can leave. You can get the help and support you need, at least to just get over this part where you feel "stuck". You need to sleep, you need to eat, you need to be able to be away from the atmosphere you are in and start to sort it all out.
I know you are angry with yourself, but please stop punishing yourself by drinking alcohol, it is a depressant and it will bring you further down. People who "sit around and wait for it to happen" are women who are so battered, that they have no more fight left in them. And anyone who judges you for that has no clue what you are going through. It is horrible. And, think about this..beating yourself up is letting him win.
You are staying because of the trauma he has caused you. Women stay because of that fear, it is a very strong motivation for staying. AND it is very understandable. It is ok not to love him anymore.
That little bit of you that wants to fight, rely on that. THAT is what pulls us out. We all have a very "little" voice inside, that is how it starts. AND we feed that voice, we make it stronger, we listen to it and it gets louder because it is RIGHT> THAT VOICE IS RIGHT! IT KNOWS YOU ARE STRONG, it knows you can walk away. What else do you have to lose at this point except your life???
HE IS NOT RIGHT..you are strong, you are brave, you are a good person who deserves TO BE LOVED AND CHERISHED. HE does not love and cherish you..he doesn't have a clue what that means and he doesn't deserve you. You are so good Samantha, and you deserve to be cared for. You do not deserve to be beaten up, or sexually mistreated, or yelled at and told you are stupid or you deserve everything he does. HE IS A MONSTER..and you can leave and go forward.
Write down what you want to say on the phone and read it to them. Read them your posts from here, just call and read it. Read it out loud before you call. Or take your computer with you to the DV Center and let them read it. Take your phone if that is safer, show them your posts. You don't have to talk until you are ready. I know it sounds strange, but Samantha..these counselors and centers, they have been where you are. They KNOW what you are going through and WHAT it takes for you to call.
We understand!!! We know, and we care. AND so do the people on the end of the phone. They are there to help, they know. They get it. They won't judge.
I am sending you hugs Samantha..lots and lots of HUGS..because you deserve all the HUGS you can get!
One step at a time, just take one step. You can just go. Pack your things and go. They will believe you, they will understand, they will embrace you and help you.
And we are here..doing everything we can to support you.
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Post by samantha on Apr 8, 2018 18:30:40 GMT
He didn't think I'd do it. I'm gone. I left. I couldn't take anymore. It had never happened this close together before. Just 4 days since the last time he hurt me and he did it again. He went out to get lunch yesterday and before he walked out the door he said he wasn't done with me.
I had a friend in high school who attempted suicide once, by cutting her wrists. She almost succeeded, too. they told her mom that if she hadn't gotten home and found her daughter when she did, it would have had a different ending. My friend told me that it didn't hurt at all, it just felt like falling asleep. I'm sorry, I know that's morbid. But when he left I went to the knife drawer and I started picking up knives, feeling the blades and wondering which one would work the best. And then I heard a voice tell me, you either end it right here and now or you walk out the door. Because I knew I couldn't take one more second of his hands on me, one more second of pain, and the thought of sex with him, just one more time, made my skin crawl. I wanted to end it. It seemed like the easiest thing. But I knew if I did, my mom might not survive it. She's 76 and not in the best of health. So I dropped the knife and I got my purse and my keys and I drove off. I didn't think to pack anything. But looking back, if I had it would have given me too much time to think and I'm not sure I'd have gone through with it. I only made it a few miles, I had to stop because I felt so dizzy and sick I couldn't stay on the road. Someone stopped and for a second I thought it was my husband. I almost took off again. Thank god I realized it wasn't. He asked if I was okay and I couldn't even speak. Anyway he called an ambulance and here I am.
I don't remember much of Friday night when I made that last post. I remember writing it but not much after that. I know something happened...I remember hearing him come through the door, I remember him shaking me and pushing me down but it feels more like a dream. I just know I woke up yesterday morning with an awful hangover and cuts and bruises on my back and arms and a bruise on one side of my face. He said I passed out last night and he found me that way. He said I fell on the broken glass of a picture frame. I wasn't even thinking of accusing him of anything. I wouldn't have done it in that position anyway. I was just thinking out loud. And I said, how did I fall on my back and my face at the same time? That was what set him off. He asked if I thought he did this, he said I always have to make him the villain and asked if I enjoy that. He said if that was the role I wanted him to play he'd be happy to show me what that would be like. I don't know what he meant he would do but I told him no, no, no over and over again. He made me beg him, BEG him not to. He actually made me say it. It went on for 3 hours with him back and forth threatening to show me what pain really was, and I had to keep begging him. I think he was actually enjoying it. He left me completely fucking broken. And after all of that, he left, very smugly and went to get lunch. He really didn't think I had it in me to leave.
Someone from social services is coming to talk to me later today. I told the doctor yesterday. Not everything, just my husband's name. I told her this was all an accident, I was drunk, broke some things and I fell, and she said okay but I know she didn't believe it. She said if I had any reason to fear for my safety if anyone was looking for me it was important to have their name to keep them from getting information from the front desk and so that security could keep them out. Funny thing is, I'm not that worried about the social worker visit. I was pretty out of it last night but now even writing this out, it doesn't feel so hard this time. I heard the doctors say this morning that I was in shock. I guess they thought I was still asleep and wouldn't hear them. So maybe that has something to do with it and when it wears off I'll be a mess again.
I don't know what I'm going to do now. When I drove off yesterday, I was planning on withdrawing cash from the bank and getting out of town before he even knew what was happening. But now, he's already cut off my debit card. He always said he would if I ever tried to leave him. I know because I tried to send an Uber to pick up my mom this morning and it said my card was invalid. The hospital is sending someone to get her. She said that he was already there yesterday, asking if she knew where I was, which she didn't at the time. I don't want her to be there if he decides to come back. He's always been sweet as pie to her but I don't know what he might do now. We'll probably call my sister to come and stay with her for now because they're not letting me out because I can't keep anything down. Though the food here is so bad, I'm surprised anyone can. I told the nurse that and she sort of laughed. They're currently working on a protein shake for me which they said should be easier to digest. I hope it works because I don't want to be here anymore. I have to make it through 24 hours and 3 meals before they'll release me. And I feel like I'm under surveillance. For both dinner last night and breakfast this morning, the same male nurse was in the room as I ate, not doing much. And the doctors have been asking me a lot of questions about my eating habits, how long I've been having trouble keeping food down, and reminding me of my weight. It's humiliating as well. I feel like they're looking at me like I'm some teenage girl who's starving herself because she thinks she's fat. I know fully well what I look like and how it's affecting my health. We're all thin in my family to begin with. I'm 5'4 and I was 115 pounds when I met him. The hospital just weighed me in at 95. There it is. I've lost 20 pounds. It's excruciating even to think about and that's why I try not to. But I am fully fucking aware of it. I've just gotten to the point where my appetite is pretty much non-existent. I eat dinner when my husband is home because he cooks and he insists on it, and sometimes it even tastes really good. That's one of the things that made me fall for him. He loves to cook and he's magic in the kitchen. I used to love to eat. I think that's why it's been so hard on my mom to see. But when it's just me, though I know I should, it just doesn't feel worth the effort or energy. I know, I've just given up on myself. Truth be told, in the past couple of years, more days that not, I haven't cared whether I lived or died. It sounds awful I know, but that's the truth of it.
I hope it's okay that I put all of that down. It's partly for the social worker, in case I freeze up when she comes and can't get it out. I'm just going to let her read everything I posted here, like you suggested.
I'm relieved to be out, and I'm also scared to death right now, and I know I only first posted a week ago...that was pretty much the point where I woke up that morning and realized I've hit rock bottom and there was no future for me if I didn't get out. But I want to thank you so much for everything that you've done and said up this point. I don't think I would have had the courage to walk out that door if it wasn't for you and this place.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Apr 8, 2018 20:03:58 GMT
Hey Samantha, it is going to ok my friend..it really is!
I am so so so so glad you are safe! And so sorry your dick of a husband is not behind bars for all he has done to you! You are in a good place right now, the hospital can help you, please let them. They are watching you because they suspect you are trying to die. I am sure you didn't care if you lived or died, what has happened has been horrible. They want to see that you can eat and keep food down. 95 pounds is dangerous for your body size. It is very possible that is some way you were trying to die. All that has happened to you, one could very much understand your reasoning for doing that.
Social Workers want to help. They want to give you the resources you need to get the support to help you make the changes you want in your life. If she is a good Social Worker, her gut instinct is very strong that something else is going on other than all you said. I suspect she has a lot of experience and can tell when a woman has been abused. I say that because I have a lot of experience with Social Workers. She wants to keep you safe and your spouse will be allowed to have information just for the simple fact that you are married. It is called a "Surrogacy Law"..and hospitals have a "hierarchy" of who they can speak to when someone is not able to speak for themselves. Because you are married..he is the first in line to be allowed information unless you tell them NO. Your mother an serve in that role if you tell them NO to your spouse. I know you are afraid..but it will be worse if he is allowed any information on your whereabouts and your health status. They will listen to him, please tell them NO if you don't want him to know what is going on.
I am not surprised he cut off your account access. He shouldn't be allowed to do that, but sadly when 2 people are on an account, the law allows this to happen. I was glad for me as I could close the account my husband was on and he could not touch any of my money. That is not helping you, but it is how the law works.
You can have the police called at this point as well. When you are up to it, they can go with you back to the house so you can get your things. You can press charges against him also. He physically assaulted you and the crap story he is telling is just that CRAP. He will bank on the fact that you don't remember. It will be his word against yours. The very fact that you are in the hospital says a lot. Please let them help you. Your spouse is dangerous and being away from him is GOOD.
You took a huge step Samantha and I support you in all that you did. I am so glad you did not try and kill yourself with a knife. I know you may not care if you live or die, but like your Mom, there are people in this world who care about you and feel that your life is worth living. Taking the step to leave, you are walking towards that idea that your life is worth living. One baby step at a time.
Rest Samantha, eat, and give yourself time to recover. Time to heal. By doing these things to start, you will start to be able to clear your head and begin to process all that has happened. To figure out what to do next. Take one thing at a time, and please be open to all that the hospital, the police, and the Social Workers are trying to do. Especially your local DV center, they will help. If nothing else, just get over this hump.
What he did is horrible Samantha, absolutely horrendous! And if there is any justice in this world, my hope is that someday he pays for what he has done to you. NONE of this was your fault..NONE! You deserve to be happy, to be safe, and to be healthy.
You have that courage in you to go forward, you have that inner strength. I glad this forum is here for you and I am glad I could help you. I will keep helping in any way I can. AND all the others who are on this forum, we will all help. It is about support, no judgement, no shame here. I am thinking of you Samantha, I know you are scared. Believe it or not being scared can be a "gift". It is our brain and body, putting us on alert to know that danger is near. It will help you believe it or not. Another book I read is called the "Gift of Fear". When you are ready, it may be a good book to consider. It helps us to stay safe.
HUGS to you Samantha, we are still here and still ready to help you! Karen
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Post by samantha on Apr 8, 2018 20:26:08 GMT
Hey Karen...I just wanted you to know I already gave the doctor my husband's name. She said she'd let the staff know not to give him any information. I want to have him arrested. I'm just waiting for the social worker. I have an hour and a half until the appointment. My mom is with me now and my sister is on her way.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Apr 8, 2018 21:23:17 GMT
Thanks Samantha, I think you are doing so many right thing! Let us know how it goes if you feel up to it or just take a break. We know you are safe and that is what matters.
Karen
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Post by anonymama on Apr 9, 2018 3:28:13 GMT
Hi Samantha
I hope you are healing ok. I am so proud of you! I think if anything the people here know how incredibly courageous you were to make the choice to leave. You made the first step! Keep going! I wish you all the best. I hope a few months from now you feel alive and free.
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Post by anonymama on Apr 9, 2018 3:39:29 GMT
And Karen has given you wonderful advice. If I can add just one thing that I am working on too it’s just being so kind to yourself. You have a long journey of healing ahead of you. You deserve all the best love you have to give to yourself, and you deserve all the love and support your Mother and sister and all the professionals who want to help you will give. If you’re like me, and I suspect anyone who has been abused is, sometimes it can be hard to accept love and support, and not to be ashamed. You don’t have to be ashamed about staying too long or what you put up with. You have been the collateral damage of a man’s sickness. You did the best you could with what you had. And you are doing the best you can now. I don’t know you but I know that leaving took a ton of strength and I admire you for that.
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Post by samantha on Apr 9, 2018 4:52:39 GMT
He's in jail. I just got the call. OMG, I can't believe he's in jail. It's been a hard day. After I talked to the social worker, I had to repeat the whole story to the police, and then I had to have pictures taken. I had to strip down in front of 2 complete strangers. It was so humiliating I wanted to crawl inside of myself and disappear. But getting that call makes it all worth it.
I still haven't be able to really keep my food down. The protein shake wasn't quite as bad and I think I kept most of it down but not all. Dinner was awful. They're saying they're going to give me a feeding tube if tomorrow is the same. It's so damn frustrating. Like I said, I would eat at home when my husband cooked and I wasn't throwing it up there. It's just here. I don't know if it's just the stress since I left or if the food here is really as bad as it tastes. My sister tasted it and said it's really bad. She said she'd cook and bring me my meals tomorrow.
Thank you anonymama for your kind words. I'm trying to be open to the doctors and the social workers and know that they're trying to help, but you're right, it's hard to accept. It's hard to believe deep down that I deserve it because I stayed for so long. I was with him for 12 years. TWELVE. I had just gotten my driver's license when I met him. That seems like forever ago. I don't know how to be on my own.
Anyway right now I'm going to accept the narcotic they're offering me and try to get some sleep.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Apr 9, 2018 23:58:15 GMT
Hey Samantha, I hope you got to sleep and find something good to eat. I am so glad he is in jail, let's hope he stays there for a good while so he can figure out that what he did was horrible! It is humiliating, there is no doubt about that, but sadly, they need evidence to build a case against him. I am glad your sister is going to bring you some food that may help. Also, perhaps just try and find things that are easy to eat right now, meaning, jello, applesauce, mashed potatoes, maybe things that remind you of good memories. When we eat, there can be a lot of memories attached to food, some positive thoughts, some negative. I know there are certain foods I avoid or certain meals (the ones my ex really wanted me to make for him)i have trouble making because it has memories attached. So if there is any food that has a good memory..like eating burgers and fries with your friends, or really good milkshakes, or ice cream. Try those. Our brain plays a big role in eating. You probably ate what he made to avoid being abused. It became a way of surviving and part of you may have even attached a good feeling to it maybe because he was doing something nice like cooking for you? It is hard to say, so even trying some broth or soup, or a grilled cheese that may be considered "comfort food". Being with him for 12 years can seem like a lifetime. I know for me, 26 years with my ex was a lifetime. The part that kept me going was caring for my daughters. It is a long time, and it takes a long time to get through all this. You don't DESERVE any of what he did to you. I have talked to women who stayed 2 years and some who stayed 30 years. I was with my ex-boyfriend for 9 months and I feel like that was 9 months TOO LONG! And he was the worst of the relationships I have been in. If you could have left you would have. We are so emotionally traumatized that we can't leave. It is so hard. You did the very best you could. AND you are out now. Everyday is a new day, a new day to go forward. I am sure you don't know how to be on your own, but in some ways, that can be fun, learning how to be your own person, finding your own joys and wants and dreams. I remember the first night in my new apartment, my house had sold, I was no longer with my sister in her basement, and I laid on the floor of the living room and had tears in my eyes of joy (and some sadness too) that it was all mine. It felt wonderful and scary all at the same time. There may be so many thoughts and feelings you have over the next few days and few weeks. Take care of you, perhaps give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel. THinking of you Samantha, I hope you got to sleep and are feeling better!
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