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Post by samantha on Apr 28, 2018 5:00:54 GMT
I'm okay. I think. It still doesn't feel quite real. My sister came back to town yesterday and we decided to go out together. I hadn't seen any sign of him since he left that note on my mom's door, and I haven't been out anywhere since I left him. I'm still at the shelter. Cabin fever's been getting to me I guess and I felt like it would be okay. We drove separately, me right from the shelter, so all I can think is that he followed my sister from my mom's. My mom got the temporary restraining order by the way, but it's obvious he doesn't give a crap about the law. We were eating at a restaurant and I went to find the bathroom. My sister had offered to come with me but she was still eating so I told her no, it's okay. The bathrooms are down a short hallway and he cornered me there. He warned me not to make any noise. I wish I'd screamed but I couldn't. I just froze, like I always do with him. He said he wanted me to come home. I said no and he started making promises about how things would be different, you know how it goes. After I told him no again, he grabbed my chin hard and just glared at me until I started crying. Then he smiled and said he would get me back, he said I could count on that.
They got him, he's in jail, though I don't know for how long. My advocate told me they could revoke his bail and keep him in jail and add misdemeanor domestic assault and violation of the protection order--also a misdemeanor--to his charges (best case scenario). Or, since he didn't leave any marks on me, no one saw it happen and the restaurant has no security cameras, he could convince the judge that he ran into me by accident (since he was seen in the restaurant, he can't deny being there) and deny that he touched me, and he could get away with contempt of court or nothing at all (worst case scenario).
I'm really having a hard time dealing with this. He's been doing this shit to me for NINE years, since our first wedding anniversary, and he's going to get a year, if I'm lucky. I'm scared to death and I'm so full of rage I feel like I'm going to explode.
I'll tell you one thing. I said when I first posted that I haven't felt love for him in a long time, and I don't know if feelings of missing him and wanting to go back are going to surface one day, but at this point I'm feeling zero love.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Apr 28, 2018 12:58:21 GMT
Hey Samantha, OMG..he is a shit. AND he is right where he should be..in jail. You said "no", not only once but twice, and that should have been enough. I am so sorry this happened to you..I hope he gets more than a year.
I am very sure you are struggling with this. It is more trauma on top of trauma and just when we think we can let our guard down, they show back up and terrorize.
And "zero love"..very understandable. Loathe and Rage are two words that come to my mind when I think of the ex shits in my life. The feelings of missing him and wanting to go back? Those are usually related to what our brains remember of the "good times". It seems like it is a way our brains try and figure out a way to cope. So we go to the memories or the feelings that were "good" in our life. Our brains don't know if the memory happened yesterday or nine years ago. It is all the same to it. Those feelings may come and I know for me what worked was to literally focus on letting them go. Like, not dwelling on them, and realizing what they are and why I was having them. Instead of believing that they were feelings that I should act on. Feelings are feelings, we can't always control how we feel. BUT, we can control what we do about those feelings.
I too remember having "no love" for my ex-husband and probably hadn't for several years. I still have no love for him (5 years later). BUT what is really strange, it has been 5 years since I told him I was leaving and there are days when it feels like it just happened yesterday. Other days, it seems like a very long time ago.
I think you said you have a counselor you see? If so, maybe contacting them and seeing if you can have an extra session? Are there counselors at the shelter? People you can talk to to help you process all this? My other thought is these shits really take away our control, meaning we can feel very "helpless" when around them. They want us to feel helpless. It may pay to think about a self-defense class, to learn how to defend yourself if you cross paths with him or with anyone that could harm you in the future. Self-defense can give us a feeling of control, and learning how to have an out..like using pepper spray to give us opportunity to flee. We can train ourselves to survive a traumatic event.
For example, I have a friend who has a family member who died in a commercial airline crash. One of the things my friend chose to do for her and her husband is take a class on how to increase your chances of surviving a plane crash. There are several things she learned that she and her husband practice everytime they fly, they love to travel, so this is important to them. My friend feels empowered when she is on a plane. She feels prepared if something were to happen. She feels more in control.
And I know when faced with danger, like you faced last night, it stuns us into paralysis, so please don't misunderstand that I think any of this is easy. It isn't. It takes a lot of courage, strength, and smarts to face our biggest fears, I am no different. One thing I do is when I go somewhere I scan my environment, I learn where the exits are, I see who is around me, I try and prepare myself mentally ahead of time "what if" type stuff. What if I see the ex's car, or him at the store, or his new wife? I have thought about this stuff. I want to think that my brain would go into survival mode if I had to. I always have my phone with me, it has an emergency call button, I know how to use it.
I have learned that I can't control people, I can't control the exes and their crap, but I can control me. I can control where I go, who I am with, what I say, I try and figure out what I would do. Believe me, this is all easier said than done, and I know I am not very good at it. But for me, it is about trying to get my control back, my life back. I have learned through a lot of self analysis and looking at the world, that my "Life is a Gift". AND I am very determined that certain kinds of people are not going to mess with my life. I don't know how I would have reacted in your shoes, I would have been terrified, then enraged like you are.
Thinking of you samantha, wish I could rid the world of jerks like him!
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Post by samantha on Apr 29, 2018 19:15:47 GMT
Hi Karen,
Yes, I have a counselor--the one from the hospital. I spoke with her on the phone on Friday morning and I am going to see her again tomorrow night. I'm at the point where I feel like I need to do something. Self defense classes sound great. My trouble is, I still can't stand being touched. I know it's the PTSD but it's been going on for weeks and I don't know how to get past it. It's one of the things I'm going to talk to my counselor about tomorrow. I've been keeping more and more to myself lately just to avoid physical contact with anyone and I know I can't live like that. I have to be able to move forward and take steps to protect myself. He sees the judge in the morning and if he says the right things and the judge believes him, he could be out. And even if he isn't he will be eventually. I can't stay in the shelter forever. My sister wants me to leave with her now, while he's still in jail, and stay with her. But she lives 450 miles away, and I can't leave my mom. She absolutely will not leave with me. I tried to get her to stay somewhere else for a while and she said she will not be run out of her own house. She is so stubborn. My nephew is still staying with her, but he can't stay forever, either. If I left and anything happened to her, I'd never forgive myself.
I've been having trouble with food again since that night at the restaurant. I threw up after he left and I've had no appetite since. I'm trying, but I can't eat a regular meal without getting sick. So I'm doing small amounts throughout the day but I know it's not enough. This happened, though only for a couple of days, after I shared my story about the note my ex left on my mom's door too. Even when I was with my ex, I noticed it was always worse when my stress level was higher. It's got to be psychological, right? Anyway, I'm going to see my doctor this week. I avoided him for so many years because I was afraid of having to explain my weight, but I have to face it. Hopefully I can get some kind of answer.
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Post by anonymama on Apr 30, 2018 13:58:44 GMT
Hey Samantha,
I saw your other background and I am so glad you got out. I know you’re in the thick of it now, but you are so strong! And hopefully he will get the point to leave you alone soon. But maybe a self defense class would be good for you as a stress relief and a way to empower yourself.
Definitely keep working with your therapist. Hopefully she is skilled and can help you as you get through this challenge. You can do it!
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Post by samantha on May 1, 2018 18:47:28 GMT
Hi anonymama. The judge released him yesterday with just a warning. Seriously, what the hell? I feel like I'm going to be hiding from him forever.
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Post by samantha on May 4, 2018 3:24:37 GMT
Hi Karen & anonymama. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Now he's left a message on my car! He really doesn't give a crap about the protection orders. I spent the night at my mom's last night because she's not been feeling well. My nephew had to go home for a bit and I didn't want her to be alone. I guess he must have done it early in the morning while my mom and I were still sleeping. I got up and there was a Lifehouse CD under my windshield wiper! There was a sticky note attached that said "Remember?" on it. Lifehouse was my favorite band from middle school on and the second date he took me on was to a Lifehouse concert. For a minute, just for a minute, I felt a pang in my stomach and started remembering how it was in the beginning. When I met him I was very self-conscious and felt like my life was going nowhere, and he was so sweet and supportive and he was always complimenting me. He said I could be whatever I wanted to be and that he believed in me. He made me feel safe and secure for the first time since I was a little girl. That feeling didn't last long, now I'm just angry. He had to know it would mess with my head and it did. I reported it to the police but they told me outright that most likely nothing will come of it because no one saw him and anyone could have done it. I asked them what has to happen for them to actually lock him up, does he have to put me in the hospital again? He basically said the law's not perfect, his hands are tied and I need to find a way to protect myself. And in his exact words: "It's a dangerous world, honey." So this is what I'm up against?? I told my counselor today I feel stuck. I feel like I have to do something to protect myself. I can't hide forever and I can't rely on a protection order that he doesn't give a shit about violating. I like the idea of the self-defense course but it feels too overwhelming. Just being around other people--not even interacting with them verbally, much less physically--is really hard right now. She asked me if I've ever heard of something called healing touch. I haven't but she said it's something I might think about looking into. There was a study done in 2012 which found that healing touch combined with guided imagery reduced the PTSD symptoms. This was the study: www.scripps.org/news_items/4304-study-shows-marines-ptsd-symptoms-reduced-via-integrative-medicineHas anyone heard of this or tried it? Either healing touch or guided imagery or both? My counselor has experience with guided imagery but not healing touch. It would have to be an outside practitioner which I'm okay with if it will help.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on May 5, 2018 1:31:22 GMT
Hi Samantha, Yes, he knew exactly what he was doing, he knew it would mess with your head. And yes, the police are not always what we want or need them to be. There are thousands of jerks like him out there and it is ridiculous what does NOT get done to protect victims.
I am sure you feel stuck, he is a jerk and he is not going to relent until he is either bored or he gets put in jail for a long time. Feeling like you have to do something to protect yourself, makes perfect sense. Self defense at some point may work, but it sounds like doing that when YOU feel up to it is the best thing. Talking to your counselor may be a great idea to try and figure out how can you ignore him so to speak. He wants attention, he wants to get a reaction out of you and even "negative" attention is attention. He doesn't care how you feel or what you think or what you do, he just wants to know that he has gotten to you. Ignoring him and calling the police like you did may be the best way to handle it. AND that is really hard to do, but by not reacting, he is not getting what he wants. Maybe throw the CD away, get rid of the note or put it in an envelope for evidence if needed later. Sometimes I think one thing we can do is think smarter than the abuser. It is hard to do this, it is very hard to stay one step ahead of them because we don't think, act, feel, or respond in any manner that is similar to them. The only thing we can do is "silence"..meaning absolutely no contact. No reaction, nothing. Because every single reaction and feeling and thought is satisfaction to them that we are thinking of them and that is what they crave. SO, we focus on OURSELVES..the one person they truly believe should not have any attention. Counselling and making a HUGE effort to only focus on you will help.
I have not had "healing touch" before. I have had Reiki Treatments..twice. It was very calming for me. Reiki is related to the transferring of positive energy. The person who is trained to do Reiki somehow can find the sources of pain or hurt in us. It was very helpful for me. I also had started to do yoga and then from there I learned how to meditate. Both of those things helped me. I also on occasion take a "restore and renew" form of yoga. I have had some pretty interesting thought processes during these sessions. They are very helpful for me. Finding what works for you is what is important. You may have to try several things before figuring out what works. I write a lot and took a "therapeutic writing" class, this was like a support group that used writing to help process what was happening. Loved this class as I love to write, so it worked for me. I also went to a class that was called "Sound Immersion", it used Tibetan Bowls and essential oils to help with relaxation. My new partner and I have gone to this one several times and it is so relaxing and cleansing. The idea is it helps to get rid of the negative energy in our bodies. This worked for me too.
There are many things out there that can help. If it sounds like you are interested in it, I say give it a try. The goal is to take care of you, to make a choice that YOU want. Being open to trying new things and trying to help you..that is a step in the right direction I think.
Glad you can talk to your counselor about all this. That is going to help you as well!
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Post by anonymama on May 5, 2018 4:07:45 GMT
Ugggghhh so sorry you are going through this! Just keep documenting everything. Did cameras catch anything?
Just keep remembering it is a mind game. You know that and that’s why you are angry. Since you have the knowledge you have the power to remind yourself of your freedom.
I don’t know much about healing touch but it seems pretty cool. Definitely look into it. Meanwhile, could you look up some self defense videos on YouTube? Maybe you could get into it alone first.
Sorry I’m not too helpful as I don’t have experience with stalking but I’m here for support!
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Post by samantha on May 5, 2018 19:13:48 GMT
Hi ladies,
I totally get the no-contact thing. Except for when he cornered me in the restaurant, I haven't had any communication or contact with him since I left. I will continue reporting everything to the police, even though I don't have much faith in them these days. But my husband, he always could tell what I was thinking somehow. So I'm sure he's getting satisfaction just knowing how him pulling this crap is affecting me, even if I'm not communicating with him.
I called one of the places today that does healing touch. I am going in for a consultation next week. They said it is very similar to Reiki, both based on life force energy and a combination of hands-off and gentle hands-on touch. Hands-on only with permission, at least at the place I called. From what I understand the main difference is that Reiki practitioners have the abilty passed on by a Reiki Master through a process called attunement, where healing touch practitioners work with techniques taught in a more traditional sense. I'm going to give it a try anyway along with meditation. If those help I'd like to move on to yoga and maybe then martial arts or self defense. I just need to get my nerves settled down.
I saw my doctor last week and he wanted me to go on anti-anxiety meds. He thinks that's why I've been having trouble with keeping food down. I understand what he means, it is always worse when my stress level is up. But I don't want anything masking my emotions. I need to know and trust that as I start to heal, the changes I see and feel are real and not due to a drug. If that makes any sense. Besides that he also told me that I have Vitamin B12 deficiency anemia, and that condition can cause loss of apppetite, weight loss and vomiting as well. So he's started me on B12 shots and told me to start eating 3 servings a week of clams or oysters and we'll see if that helps.
And I took a big step yesterday. I made an appointment with an attorney the shelter referred me to. She specializes in family law working with domestic violence survivors. Something like 93% of her cases involve domestic violence. So yes, I'm going to file for a divorce. I was shaking the entire time making that phone call but I feel like it's time. It's not like there's any chance of us "working things out" right?
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on May 5, 2018 23:19:47 GMT
Hi Samantha, it truly sounds to me like you are doing all the right things for you! Healing touch sounds really good! Like I said, I loved the Reiki I had done. The person who did it is a friend of mine and she gave me a written report afterward which was really accurate as to how I was feeling. It was very surprising to me, but I felt really better after.
The anti=anxiety meds..just for your FYI..can be taken as needed. You don't have to take them routinely for them to work. Many people take them in the evening as they help with sleep also. I have not taken them, but I see people take them everyday and they are usually "fast acting" and can just help to take the "edge" off your stress. It just calms you down and the stress and anxiety calm so you can think more clearly. I heard recently that cannabis oil is also very helpful..not sure if it is legal in all areas, but supposedly it has medicinal purposes. I am not a doctor and my opinion is just that, an opinion. Vitamin deficiencies are HUGE lately amongst many humans. This may really help you to consider the shots. I hear more and more how vitamins really affect our overall health and well being. That may be an "easy fix" to get that vitamin back into sync.
Hugs to you on starting to pursue a divorce. I remember going to the attorney for the first time, I took my sister with me because I was so worried that I would forget everything I needed to ask or I wouldn't remember any of the information she told me. I was scared to death, somehow thinking my husband at the time would find out (I hadn't told him yet that I wanted a divorce). I think I even cried while there. It is a very difficult conclusion to come to when that "knowing it is time" sinks in.
Things working out? I wouldn't think so, but that is a question only you can answer. I only pursued the divorce once I accepted that there wasn't any chance of us staying together. That is why it took me 2 years to come to the point where it was time to leave. I didn't make that decision easily by any means. AND, I knew if I took that step? I wasn't going back and I haven't. As the process went on, and he became more abusive, it only confirmed what I knew all along.
"Trust Your Journey" Samantha, it will lead you to a good spot!
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Post by samantha on May 6, 2018 4:01:17 GMT
Hi Karen,
Thanks for letting me know about the anti-anxiety meds. I might consider it if I don't have to be on them all the time. Cannabis is legal in my state but I don't know much about it. Does the oil get you high? I'd rather not get high. I did that one time when I was 14 and it wasn't a good experience. But that's another story.
I am definitely doing the B12 shots. I already had my first one. I signed right up for those after he told me if I didn't get my levels up STAT I'd have to start going in for iron infusions. No thank you.
Sorry I wasn't totally clear about the divorce. I definitely don't believe there's any chance of us working it out. Even if he believed that what he's doing is wrong (which he doesn't) and sincerely tried to change, and even if I wanted to work it out (which I absolutely do NOT), there's nothing "good" he could do at this point that's going to take away the mental, emotional and physical damage he's done to me. It's too late. I'm 100% sure it's over for good. I'm just afraid of his reaction once he's served with the papers, that he might go completely crazy. I'm going to ask the attorney if we can time it so he gets served after the case is settled and while he's in jail, assuming he goes to jail.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on May 6, 2018 15:35:48 GMT
Hi Samantha, I don't know about Cannibis oil making you "high". I would be surprised if it did as it is probably in a pill form so it is controlled as to how much is in it. It helps with pain and I have heard from a friend of mine whose son takes it for anxiety that it helps. It may be worth looking into. It is probably considered "homeopathic" and your doctor may or may not be a fan of that type of medicine, so you may have to do some research on your own. My partner takes several herbal supplements and he finds them very helpful. There are tons of websites out there that support herbal remedies. I have used a few (mostly for skin issues) and they work. I also use essential oils and I find they are calming as well (Like lavender before bed). I have an oil diffuser that I can put a drop on a lava stone and it gives off the scent all day. I have a piece of jewelry that holds the stone and I can smell it all day. It helps keep me calm at times. And there is a ton of information about essential oils. Lots out there that can help and not too costly.
I think you are very wise in your conclusions about your marriage. I know those decisions do not come easy. Him getting served while in prison..great idea. I was afraid of my ex's reaction to the papers. I was lucky though as he agreed to a legal separation, but even that he had to draw it out (it took 4 hours of sitting with a mediator to draw up our papers). We have 2 children together and had to figure out the custody of the youngest one who was a minor at the time, so we needed an agreement. He did not make it easy by any means. Fortunately, the mediator saw how difficult he was and she didn't charge me for 4 hours (the first hour was her getting him to trust her). It cost me over $600 for that meeting. BUT it was worth every penny. He chose to ignore the papers which drew the divorce out even longer (it took 18 months as in my state you have to be separated at least a year before you can file). Every time he got a piece of paper he was given like 30-45 days to respond and there were times he could have signed and made it quicker..heck no. He had to make me miserable. My reaction was to keep plugging away because he really believed that I was not serious about divorcing him. In the end, I believe I came out much stronger, happier, and free of a 185 pound weight that I carried on my shoulders for 20+ years. I have never felt more free. My ex continued to be a shit initially after the divorce, but I have not seen him in almost a year and it has done my soul a lot of good. I have to see him over a period of about 10 days as my daughters are both graduating from college and high school, I am heading back to my counselor as I anticipate this is going to be more challenging than I thought.
For me, my divorce was ugly. Some people stay friends and part amicably. I sold the house too which also caused all kinds of arguing. But again, I had to downsize considerably and in the long run, it was the best thing I have done.
So, stand in there (I don't say hang in there because that to me says we are not stable, I prefer to have a firm ground under my feet)! It sounds like to me that you are doing the best things for you! That is what is important right now!
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Post by samantha on May 14, 2018 0:28:43 GMT
Hi ladies,
I'm absolutely devastated right now. I just found out I'm pregnant. And not just recently. The doctor said I'm already 15-16 weeks. I can't believe this. I've been getting my B-12 shots and my iron levels are near normal now, my blood sugar is good, and I've put on 12 lbs (from 95 to 107). My doctor has been very happy with my progress and people have been telling me how much better and healthier I'm looking, but I started getting dizzy spells over last week, and just feeling weaker than normal, and this morning I passed out. Just for a few seconds but my mom took me to the urgent care just to be safe and that's where I found out. I had an ultrasound. I saw the baby, I heard the heartbeat and all I could do was cry. All the tests and scans they did at the hospital, nothing picked up on it. They had asked me back then if there was any chance I could be pregnant, and I said I didn't think so, but it was possible. I never heard anything more about it so I assumed they'd done a test and it had come back negative. And I figured the the chances were near zero anyway, as I haven't had a period in over 2 years.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm terrified that I've damaged the baby with the drinking. I only got drunk enough to pass out that one time and I haven't had a drink in 4 weeks but I was drinking a lot in the last month before I left, when I would have been between 6 and 10 weeks. And I have no idea what I'm going to do about the divorce now. My lawyer said if I become pregnant or find out I'm pregnant after filing, I'm required by law to notify the court. I don't want to have a baby right now, I certainly don't want to have his baby, and I damn sure don't want him to know. I'm not showing yet but I know it won't be long. My mom said she didn't show with any of her first 3 kids until she was near 20 weeks but then it was like all at once. If I was 6 or 8 or even 10 weeks along, it would be an easier decision but I feel like I'm too far along now. The doctor asked if I wanted to know the gender! I said no, but that's how far along I am. I just couldn't have an abortion now.
I'm going to see if I can get into my regular doctor this week and I picked up some prenatal vitamins because if I'm going to go through with this, I have to give this baby as good a chance as I can. I just feel trapped though, like there's no good way out of this.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on May 14, 2018 1:34:05 GMT
Hi Samantha...Oh my gosh! I am so sorry this has happened! WOW! I can only imagine how you are feeling, devastated makes a lot of sense and you have every reason to feel that way. This was not part of the plan I am sure.
Definitely talking to your doctor is a really good thought, I would also consider calling your counselor and trying to get an appointment with her. This throws so much into the whole process. It may really help to talk to your counselor and begin to think about what options you do have. There are choices, but they may not be what you want or need right now. And if you have to tell the court, there has to be some guarantee that he does not find out. I don't know the laws, but there isn't anything that says he has to know. AND, there isn't anything that says you have to tell him he is the father, saying you don't know who it is may also be an option.
I am sure there are so many things running through your head right now. SO MANY. Abortion (as you mentioned), there is adoption, there is not telling him, or telling him. The problem is, he will do everything in his power to get you back and this just became more "fuel" for him to use to do that. It is a miracle that you didn't have a miscarriage given the amount of stress you have been under and how physically abusive he has been.
There is the option of loving this baby, as it is innocent and deserves the best of you. Your ex may abuse this child. This child needs to be protected from your ex. Narcissists don't seem to like their kids very much. They claim to love them, but it is a facade. This child will take so much attention away from them and they don't like that. I also bet you anything, your partner will accuse you of sleeping around. He will assume the baby could be someone else's. He will then blame you and abuse you. He then may try and get you back with every thing he has in his arsenal.
I am so sorry Samantha, this is so unfair!. I wish I had better answers and better words for you. I can only imagine how trapped you feel! It isn't right on so many levels! Perhaps, get some rest, take care of you!
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Post by anonymama on May 14, 2018 21:55:14 GMT
Wow that’s a lot to take in for you. What a tough decision! What I do know is is that if you keep the baby your ex is not fit for parenting until he is in therapy for a long time and really showing signs of change, if he ever does. I would move forward with the assumption that he is and remains exactly who he showed you to be. Talk to your counselor to get a better grip on the tough choices you have ahead of you. Good luck and stay strong.
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Post by samantha on May 15, 2018 0:47:02 GMT
Hi, I got some clarity from my lawyer, as far as my husband finding out about my pregnancy and it's not what I wanted to hear. I wish you were right, Karen, but she said if I file for divorce, the judge will ask at the initial hearing if I am, to my knowledge, pregnant. So unless I lie, he's going to know. And because we are married, he will be presumed to be the father, unless a DNA test proves otherwise, which it won't. It's his baby. All my lawyer can do is argue that contact with my husband would be detrimental to the baby's well being. The only good news is he can't ask for visitation while he's in jail and that given his history, the chances of him being granted any unsupervised visitation at all are slim to none. At least until he's off probation and has completed a year-long batterer intervention program without any violations. It's a lot to take but that's what I'm up against. I was able to get in to see my doctor today, and at least there it was more good news than bad. He told me he thinks the chances of the baby having issues from the drinking are pretty low, as except for that one night, I was only drinking 3-4 drinks a week (even if it was all at once a couple of times) and only for about a month. He said most babies born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and other serious defect are born to women who drank heavily their entire pregnancies. So that was a relief to hear. But there are no guarantees and unfortunately we won't know at least until the baby is born. I had another ultrasound and unfortunately I can't tell them when I conceived, but the baby is measuring 15 weeks & 4 days. And I know I'm going to go through with this so I figured I might as well know: it's a boy. It still doesn't feel quite real. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and find out it's all been a dream. No, this definitely was not part of my plan.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on May 16, 2018 2:05:39 GMT
Hi Samantha, so glad you got the clarity and answers you needed. I wasn't sure of the laws, so thanks for the update. It is a shame that he has "rights". If limiting his contact is the best case scenario, then my fingers are crossed that he doesn't get access to his child, at least unsupervised.
So glad you got to see your doctor and I am glad to hear that the chances of your baby having the alcohol syndrome is very low, that is such a good thing.
I know it has been a shock to you about your baby, but Congratulations on your son! I believe children are blessings, so maybe there is some positive here? Even though this wasn't a part of the plan, it sounds like you have so much to give to this child, he will have a mother who loves him and who knows the real meaning of the word. You also have a great opportunity to help this little man of yours be the best gentleman he can be when it comes time for him to have a relationship.
It not feeling real at this point makes so much sense! Taking things one day at a time may be something to think about at this time. Everything you have been through can be so overwhelming, each situation alone. BUT all of them together, a lot to handle on the inside.
Sending you lots of well wishes as you sort through all that has happened. I hope for now, that your husband stays in jail for as long as possible so you can focus on you and your baby.
Once he does find out, perhaps be prepared for a big push to try and get you to not go through with the divorce. There may be promises of you being a great happy family, and guilt trips about how a boy needs his father, and promises to never hurt you or your baby ever again. Promises that he will change. He is going to play on your heartstrings, doing everything he can think of to make you smile and remember all the good times and how you can have them again. I know you don't feel a lot of love for him right now, but he will really try and hit all your vulnerabilities at this time. He will make coming back to him sound so tempting. I know you already have so much on your mind, just something to add to your list of things to think about should he get out and come looking for you.
Hope you are doing ok!
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Post by samantha on May 17, 2018 2:18:10 GMT
Hi Karen,
My husband isn't in jail. He's still out on bail. But I just got word from my advocate that the DA thinks they are pretty close to working out a deal on the domestic violence charges. It's going to end up a misdemeanor. The good news is he is going to get jail time, but I don't know how much yet. I'm actually relieved. If this happens I won't have to go back to court over this. I'm so worried he'll see me and be able to tell.
I talked to my sister again and I think I'm going to move in with her after all. I don't want to leave my mom, but I found out that if I live there for 6 months, then I would be able to file for divorce there. The baby would be born by then, and custody could be decided at the same time. He'd have to come there to fight for it, and in in the future if he decided to file for a change in custody. He should either still be in jail at that point or at least still be on probation so I don't see how he'd get visitation. I'm going to speak to a lawyer there tomorrow but I feel like this is the best solution.
It still feels like I'm in a dream and I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. One minute I'm filled with dread and fear and I can't stop crying, the next I'm angry, and the next filled with love for this little baby. I know he's innocent and he didn't ask for any of this either. I just didn't plan on being a mom, at least not at this point in my life--I decided years ago that there was no way I wanted to have a baby with husband--and I don't feel qualified to be honest. I feel like he deserves better than the mess he's going to be born into. I can tell my mom wants to be happy about it but she's trying not to show it. I've been in touch with my counselor and I have an appointment this Friday. I hope she can help me make sense of all of this. This Saturday will be 6 weeks since I left and so much has happened and I have so many decisions to make, it's just all too much. I wish there was a pause button on life so I could find the time to breathe.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on May 18, 2018 23:58:59 GMT
Hi Samantha, a "pause" button on life would be so nice sometimes. Being able to slow it all down so we can concentrate would be nice. You are so right, a lot has happened in 6 very long or short weeks depending on your perspective.
Did you say in your other posts that your sister was like 400 miles away? If so, that may really be a great option for you. Kind of give you an opportunity to start over fresh. Him having to come to you for visitation and custody, by being that far away, it will really say something if he doesn't come.
I am glad he will get some jail time. He deserves all the jail time he gets. I am really glad you don't have to go back to court. He will find out at some point as you said, but the later the better. Sadly, you will be attached to this man until your son is at least 18. So, I hope he doesn't cause you anymore stress. You deserve happiness and to focus on you and your son. That is what matters.
All this is overwhelming, and true, somedays it feels like a dream, some days a nightmare, our feelings are all over the place when stuff like this is happening. I know for me, the best thing I could do is just roll with my feelings and thoughts each day. Very glad you are seeing your counselor. I know that is something that really helped me the most. Maybe at some point, tell your Mom it is ok to be happy about her grandson coming into this world. Children can bring a lot of joy to our lives. I hear ya that this wasn't your plan, I guess sometimes life takes it's own path and we just have to adapt.
Your son can have a great childhood and life. You can't control what your ex does at this point, but you can control how you raise your son. AND how you be a great role model for your son. It also depends on who you allow in your son's life. There are so many things that you have learned from just the last 6 weeks, that will help you to be the best Mom you can be. Your son will be lucky to have such a great Mom. Your baby is innocent, but he has a lot of people already who love him. Your Mom, your sister, perhaps friends and other relatives. He is already getting a head start.
It sounds to me like you are on a good path for you and your baby. Trust your journey, it will lead you to happiness. Take deep breaths, get lots of rest and eat right and take care of you. Love yourself. You are a great person! Give yourself time to heal, and time to recover. Stick with the counselor if you can or if you move away, perhaps she can help you locate a counselor near your new home.
I am hopeful for you Samantha, one day at a time! I can see the light at the end of the dark tunnel you have been in. It will be Ok.
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Post by samantha on May 22, 2018 2:21:43 GMT
Hi Karen,
He got 90 days plus a year of probation. My advocate said this is very good for a "first" offense. Not that it was actually his first offense. Not even close. Just his first time being held accountable. It doesn't seem enough to me. This was originally a felony but they plead it down to a misdemeanor. But then I know that a lot of times these guys get off scot-free. So if she's says it's good I'll have to be grateful he got something at least.
I'm leaving for my sister's in a couple of days. She is about 450 miles away and yes it will be good to get far away. I'm just worried about leaving my mom. I wish I could convince her to come with me, at least for a while. She's been encouraging me to go but she's set on staying where she is. She's lived in that same house for 53 years, she says she's not going to be run out of it. My best friend has promised to check up on her every weekend, so at least I have that. I know I have to do what's right for me and my baby.
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