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Jun 6, 2018 13:22:47 GMT
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Post by Ava on Jun 6, 2018 13:22:47 GMT
I can't believe I'm having to type this out. My fiance was raped last night. She was working late and it got to be 9:30-10 and she still wasn't home. I called and called but her phone kept going straight to voicemail and the phones at her work were turned off for the night. While I was driving over there to look for her I got a call from her mom. My fiance's cousin is a nurse at the hospital and had called and told her that my fiance was admitted.
I don't know much yet except that she was alone at work and she was outside locking up when he grabbed her. She couldn't tell them much as it was dark and the guy didn't say anything except to whisper to her to keep quiet if she wanted to live. The police believe it was someone who knew her. They are going today to question a former customer who was banned from the my fiance's work a few weeks ago for sexually harassing her and another female employee but that's all they've got until the DNA test come back.
Physically she is okay other than some bumps and bruises but she looked so so lost. She's always put on a tough front so it wrecks me to see her like this. I'm absolutely gutted.
I always thought I'd have at least an idea of what I'd do or how I'd react in this type of situation but I feel completely lost. What do I do? What do I say? She has been there for me through hell and back and now it's my turn. I don't want to fall apart in front of her.
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janine
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Jun 6, 2018 17:57:07 GMT
Post by janine on Jun 6, 2018 17:57:07 GMT
Ava,
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. You know what? There are no right words. Let her decide what she needs, when she needs it. I once heard someone say that "the best thing his wife did, after he experienced something very traumatic, was to tell her husband 'she would always be here for when he was ready to talk about it'."
That might be a good place to start.....because rape can cause PTSD and you may not even see symptoms until a few weeks or even months from now. Some people develop it right away, others later. Then there are some who prefer to never talk about it. To each their own. Let her guide you and lead you both through this. It sounds like she is in shock right now, and things like rape (and DV....) totally shake up someone's world. Because the sad truth is we do not live in what is referred to in psychology as "just world". This means bad things happen to very good people....for NO reason at all. It simply happens. It was of course not her fault and like so many others, she had no way of seeing that coming.
And it is ok to be sad and feel sadness. Or fear. Or anger. Or whatever you may be feeling.
In fact, you may see her react to you in anger. Lashing out. Snapping at you. That is all normal and will go away with time, and possibly therapy for her. In cases like sexual abuse/rape I do usually recommend at least trying out counseling when she feels ready. It's also ok not to do it. The grieving process for this experience (and the loss of having a safe feeling in this world...) will also take time. But she will heal and her grief won't be for forever.
oxoxoxoxxo
She will be ok. Not today. Not tomorrow, or next week. But eventually.
I remember there was a docu series on TV once where a woman who worked as a therapist at a prison was raped by one of her clients. Brutally raped. She was supposed to get married 8 days later. Her husband offered to cancel the wedding, but his wife said that she was not going to let this man take that from her. They got married, and healed together over time.
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karen
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Jun 6, 2018 21:46:33 GMT
Post by karen on Jun 6, 2018 21:46:33 GMT
Oh my gosh Ava! I am so so so sorry! My heart hurts for you and for her!
I agree with Janine, just holding her hand if she needs that, letting her tell you what she wants or needs. I know there is a feeling of "helplessness" on your part, wanting to help, wanting to make it all better, and sometimes just being there is what she may need. Sometimes even not saying anything is most helpful until someone is ready to share.
It is hard to say exactly what to do. You know her better than anyone. My thought is perhaps just be ready for anything. She may blame herself, she may feel shame, like somehow she caused this. She may feel like you won't love her, or like she "cheated" on you. She may be angry, she may be traumatized, she may be scared/fearful, not safe, she may startle easy, she may cry for yell for no reason. This may be her "hell".
She may just need to know you still love her no matter what. And that you will be there as she finds her way to healing. I know given all that most of us have been through with the abusers, what helped me the most to heal (and what seems to help victims heal) was to just give myself permission to feel whatever I was feeling. One thing that helped me was my closest friends and family...they gave me space and let me heal my way. They let me heal in ways that worked for ME. Everyone has great ideas about what to do to heal, but no one can heal for us. We have to find our own way. Letting her guide you, that may be a way to approach it.
I am so so sorry and I hope they find the jerk and castrate him! That is so horrible!
My thoughts are with you and her Ava, as Janine said, she will heal. And I know you want to be there for her, but don't neglect yourself either. This can trigger emotions in you too. It can be traumatizing for you as well. You may feel anger, frustration, fear, all kinds of thoughts. It is ok to feel your feelings too. We are here for you if you need support!
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Jun 7, 2018 1:23:55 GMT
Post by Ava on Jun 7, 2018 1:23:55 GMT
Hi Janine & Karen,
Thank you for your support and your advice. She's sleeping right now but she still hasn't said anything. I told her I love her and I am here for her whenever she feels like talking, and she just nodded. She doesn't even cry. She just lies on the couch wrapped in a blanket staring at the TV. I don't think she's even watching it. and I get the sense that she doesn't want me or anyone else (her mom was also here) near her. Except the cat. Our cat hasn't left her side since we got home from the hospital and that's all she wants right now I think.
I'll keep you posted.
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karen
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Jun 7, 2018 2:01:40 GMT
Post by karen on Jun 7, 2018 2:01:40 GMT
Hey Ava, I am glad she is home and safe with you. The cat knows and senses something is wrong. It is amazing how they are so perceptive. I can only imagine what is going through her head. She is probably in shock and may have no idea how to process all this. Being violated like that is the worst feeling in the world. I have never been through what she has been through, so I can't speak to it. I have been a victim of a crime and that violation feeling was incredibly overwhelming to me. Just to think that someone's ONLY purpose at that moment in time, to cross my path was to do me harm. It is beyond my ability to grasp what your sweet fiance is feeling.
You are very welcome Ava, thinking of you and your lady so much! Sending positive energy to your part of the world!
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janine
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Jun 7, 2018 2:02:17 GMT
Post by janine on Jun 7, 2018 2:02:17 GMT
It won't be like this forever. She will be ok again. oxoxox You're a wonderful partner for her. And whatever she may do, be it lashing out in anger or crying or shutting down....it's all part of the trauma and has nothing to do with you. And with time and maybe therapy (or not) she will slowly get back to her old self.
Hang in there. We are here for you if you need an ear from an internet stranger
oxoxox
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Jun 8, 2018 16:45:55 GMT
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Post by Ava on Jun 8, 2018 16:45:55 GMT
Hi,
Thanks again. She's doing a little better. She wasn't eating and she finally ate something last night, and she's started talking. Not about what happened but just little things. She's been looking at pictures from the last few years, and saying "remember this?" She broke her silence yesterday by saying "So much for a charmed life." And she just broke down crying. I've known her near 3 years now and I've seen her cry exactly once up until then. People used to tease her about how she led a charmed life because she's got a great family, has always had great friends and nothing bad has ever really happened to her.
She's been having a really bad time at night. She wakes up in a cold sweat and sometimes she shakes uncontrollably. I know it's all part of the trauma and probably PTSD. But it's hard to see.
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Jun 9, 2018 17:13:24 GMT
Post by Ava on Jun 9, 2018 17:13:24 GMT
My fiance contacted RAINN's chat line today. The hospital had given her a list of therapists who specialize in sexual assault and I saw her yesterday trying to call but she just couldn't go through with it. I asked her if she wanted me to call for her, just to make the appointment and she said no. But after she chatted with RAINN, she said okay and we actually sat together at the computer and looked a few of them up, and she chose one. She still wants me to call to make the appointment. I think she doesn't want to have to repeat everything yet again. The police were questioning her for 2 hours at the hospital, then the social worker came in, then just this morning with RAINN. She still won't talk to me about what happened and she hasn't said what made her decide to take this step but I'm so happy did. I never thought it would happen this soon. We just found out the former customer at her work has an alibi. Ugh Whoever did this is about the same size as him from what my fiance said, and he also has facial hair but that's about as much of a description as she could give them. They tried to get him to submit DNA, but he refused and without that, it could take months for the DNA from the hospital to get back, to find out if it matches anyone in their database. I'm just pissed off that he, or whoever--I know we don't know that it was him--could get away with it. Just knowing he's out there right now.
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janine
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Jun 10, 2018 14:56:41 GMT
Post by janine on Jun 10, 2018 14:56:41 GMT
Crying is healing...the three T's of trauma: Tears, talking, and time. I am so glad she decided to chat with RAINN. There is so much 'feeling' going on in PTSD. The anger, the sadness, the grief, the "why me?", then more anger, grief, sadness. She will be ok again. It will take time but she will be ok.
I am sure they will get this guy. If not right now...eventually. Nowadays DNA allows them to catch those bastards one way or the other. They are not smarter than the police and they never 'win'.
oxoxoxox
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Jun 11, 2018 18:28:30 GMT
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Post by been there on Jun 11, 2018 18:28:30 GMT
Hi Ava,
I am so glad that she's decided to talk to someone about what happened to her! It's a start towards her healing. Now don't be surprised if her emotions get stronger before they lessen. It's part of the healing process. She may be all over the map - in one day. On top of taking care of her you need to make sure you do some self-care yourself, because you're being affected by this, too. You want to keep yourself strong so you can be there for her. Don't try to anticipate her needs, just let her guide you. However she reacts, please don't take it personally. She's reacting to "stuff," not you. That may take some of the pressure off you.
She may or may not ever talk to you about it. And if she does, it may be years down the road. Please don't take it personally. She may only be comfortable talking to a "stranger," like a therapist, and you're too close at the moment.
It may help you if you think about what she's (and you) are going through as grief. Yes, grief. Irreparable change and the loss of what was...shock and denial, numbness, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining and depression are the early difficult stages. She may breeze through some, skip some completely, or keep having to return to a stage a number of times before she's processed it. And there is no order - we all grieve our own way. Even though grieving is not a fast or easy process, however, most people manage to get through it ok. Those who remain "stuck" in a stage for a long time are the ones who require extra help getting through it. The last two stages are reconstruction, and acceptance and hope. Reconstruction (or upward turning) is starting to put life back into order again, acceptance of what happened, and hope that life will go on and is going to be ok. Different, but ok. You both will eventually get to a "new normal." Life will never be the same as it was, but it will be ok. If all goes well, your partner will come through this stronger and wiser, and it may propel her to become an activist or a counselor for other rape victims and survivors. Traumas like this often change people's lives dramatically - and puts them on a course that they were always meant to follow. But in the meantime, please take care of yourself, too, while you take care of your partner. You both are in my prayers.
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karen
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Jun 12, 2018 0:26:28 GMT
Post by karen on Jun 12, 2018 0:26:28 GMT
Hi Ava, so glad to hear your fiance is starting to talk about things. I am not familiar with RAINN..but it sounds helpful if it contributes to her healing process. "been there" has a great point about "grieving". There is loss here and giving ourselves permission to mourn that what was and work towards acceptance of what is is a process. It takes time. You and she have each other and your love and support of each other will help so much.
We all grieve in different ways and we all experience loss in different ways. The hard part sometimes, is letting ourselves and those we love grieve in a way that may be different. There isn't one right way to grieve. I remember one thing that as said to me many times on this forum when I was "grieving the loss" of my relationship, my marriage, my view of these jerks, etc, is "we can't control our feelings, we just have to let them come and let them go". Some days we may feel good, other days angry, other days sad, and some days all of those things in one day.
Thinking of you both ! Thanks for posting and keeping us updated!
Karen
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Jun 12, 2018 3:52:22 GMT
Post by Ava on Jun 12, 2018 3:52:22 GMT
Hi Karen & been there, Karen, RAINN stands for "Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network". They have a national hotline and chatline similar to the National DV Hotline. This is their website: www.rainn.org/Thank you both. I can understand why you'd refer to it as grief. It definitely feels that way. I know she will be okay, but it feels like a part of her is gone, a part of her that I don't think she'll never get back completely. What drew me to her when we first met was that she reminded me of myself--before. Before my ex came along and took away my innocence and my sense of security. Open, carefree, smiling easily, laughing easily, always seeing the best in everyone, trusting to a fault. Like I did, she believed that people were basically good with very few exceptions. Even the guy from her work, the one who quite possibly did this to her, she felt bad for him. When she first told me about him (about a week before he was "fired" as a customer) she said she thought he was just lonely and socially awkward. It didn't sound like it to me but she just couldn't see him as a bad guy. For me, my emotional wounds have healed for the most part, but the scars are there and I know I'll never be the person I was before. I'm more self-conscious, more suspicious of people, more careful about what I say and what I share. I don't let my guard down so easily. I know it's not all bad--I know I'm a stronger person, and I know what I deserve and what I will not tolerate. My fiance bought me a shirt a couple of months ago that said "Do no harm but take no shit" and we had a good laugh over it because that about sums up my philosophy these days. But I still grieve over what I lost sometimes. The last couple of days I've really been struggling with anger, that this guy could have done to my sweet girl the same thing that my ex did to me. This is probably going to sound a little crazy, but yesterday while she was sleeping, I went out to the backyard and I beat a stick against a tree until it broke. I felt absolutely ridiculous after the fact, but I was just pissed off, and I couldn't yell and scream, so I beat a stick against a tree instead, and I sort of imagined the stick was his face, and I felt better for a little while anyway. It's been a rough couple of days. Yesterday morning I tried to wake her up from a nightmare and she yelled, "Get off of me!" and almost clocked me in the chin with her elbow. It scared me half to death, but she doesn't even remember doing it. I don't think she was even awake. Not that I told her, but I know she would have felt bad and said something if she did remember. She was very quiet for the rest of the day, although she wanted to cuddle up next to me, and today she was back to crying and shaking and wanting to be left alone. Her counseling appointment is this Thursday and I made one for myself for next week. Obviously she's not the only one having a hard time processing this. I know I have to take care of myself so I can be here for her. I'm going back to work tomorrow and she's saying not to worry and she'll be okay but you know, I can't not worry. I told her I'm home in 10 minutes if she needs me and her mom and my mom are just a phone call away. But I have to trust her that she's ready for me to go back.
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karen
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Jun 13, 2018 1:58:16 GMT
Post by karen on Jun 13, 2018 1:58:16 GMT
Hey Ava, thanks for that information, good to know. You are right, a part of her is gone. A part of you is gone too. Abuse and rape and all of that violence changes us. We are not the same people we were before the abuse and we will never be those people again. I was like your fiance', I truly believed in people and the "good" in them and that everyone had good in them. I have learned that they don't. And, I sometimes admit that I miss believing in people. I will never have that same feeling again. The scars will be there and you are so right, it isn't all bad. I like to think that I am stronger too, wiser, smart, braver, and more confident because I have learned that I can survive a lot. I also like to believe that it is REALLY important to celebrate the positive more. Things have so much more meaning to me than they used to. I have learned what is really important in life (for me anyway). I also am more spiritual than I ever have been in the past, and I feel like I know what the real meaning of "love" is. I can spot an abuser a mile away and I know to stay away. I have learned how to love myself. I have learned there is true evil in this world and I don't want any part of it. There is so much good as you said. And I believe our healing journey is never ending. I think we are always growing and learning and moving past the hurts from before. Beating a stick against a tree is not a bad thing, or crazy! I think you recognized the need to work through the anger you identified; I think you found a way to work through it that didn't hurt you or anyone else (I suspect the tree survived..lol). You found a really constructive, safe, way to manage our anger. That is HUGE! There are so many negative ways you could have dealt with it and being the smart, brave, compassionate person you are, you found a good path to take! Screaming in the car is a great way too She is suffering from PTSD and not saying anything to her, that is love. You have her best interest at heart. Counselling will hopefully help you both to address your feelings. Nothing wrong with worrying. You love her and care for her and want this nightmare to be over, worrying is very natural. I agree in trusting her, but it is hard. Knowing me, I would call every few hours and check on her. I had a situation today where I took my daughter (she is 17) to the doctor, she had to get a vaccine. She almost fainted/passed out after getting the vaccine. I have not seen her react like she did, she was pale, white, clammy, nauseous, it scared me. I called her every few hours to check on her as I had to go back to work. She would never call me and ask for help. So I called her. I felt better and she didn't complain about me calling( she usually does). One day at a time, sometimes that is all we can do!
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Jun 14, 2018 19:03:34 GMT
Post by Ava on Jun 14, 2018 19:03:34 GMT
Hey everyone, Janine, I'm sorry, I didn't see your post before. I didn't mean to leave you out. Anyway, the police finally picked up that guy! They said they are only holding him on suspicion while they try to get a court order for a DNA test. If they get that then they can expedite the DNA from the hospital and we can find out for sure if it was him. My fiance is saying that something is telling her that it's not. She said she just couldn't see him doing something like this. But we will see, soon hopefully. If it's not, then they will check it against their criminal database. If neither works I'm afraid not much more is going to happen. They've found no other suspects and no one who saw anything. I'm relieved they arrested that guy, but my fiance is afraid of retaliation, or of whoever did this coming back. So afraid she doesn't know if she's going to go back to work there at all. It happened inside and she said she doesn't think she can ever walk back through the door again. I told her I'm with her either way. Besides, we're moving 30 miles away after the wedding so she was going to look for something closer to the new place anyway. Anyway she's been doing a bit better the last couple of days. We put on one of her favorite movies, "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" and she laughed for the first time since this happened. One day at a time, right?
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karen
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Jun 18, 2018 23:49:00 GMT
Post by karen on Jun 18, 2018 23:49:00 GMT
Hi Ava, glad that they picked up that guy! Even if it isn't him, at least they can check and find out. Do they have cameras inside? I am sure they would have checked them if they did.
I am glad to hear she is feeling a little better. One day at a time, sometimes that is the best thing to do, and even the only thing we can do. It is really hard sometimes. She has you to support her and that is such a great thing! If it isn't him, then my question would be then who and why? Like who else would have motive/reason for wanting to hurt her? I don't blame her, I wouldn't go back in there either, at least not for a very long time.
How are you doing? I think moving will help her to heal. Putting that distance between her and the place of the crime can really help healing. Maybe some day when she is able,she will go back and face it all. It takes time though. Hope things are going ok for you!
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Jun 19, 2018 6:50:09 GMT
Post by Ava on Jun 19, 2018 6:50:09 GMT
Hey Karen
I got bad news this morning. They had to let him go. In this state a person cannot be required to submit a DNA sample in a criminal case unless they've been convicted of a crime. The only way they can get DNA without his consent otherwise would be to get a search warrant for his house or car and the judge denied that too. He said there wasn't probable cause. I don't even know what to say. My fiance still isn't sure it was him but she's falling apart. She had an anxiety attack this afternoon and she kept saying over and over he's going to get away with it. "He" meaning whoever it was I guess. Later she said it's over and she wants to move on. It could be several months now before the DNA from the hospital is even tested. She said she'll deal with it then. I hope she doesn't mean she's going to stop going to counseling. She told me she really liked her counselor. But I didn't ask.
I just can't stop thinking. I went on the RAINN website looking for info and I wish I hadn't. According to their site, out of 310 reported rapes, only 11 actually end up being referred to the prosecutor's office. ELEVEN. 3.5%. And 7 are convicted. Out of 310. How is that even possible? And I'm thinking it's even less here. Most states will allow the police to take a DNA sample from a suspect in a felony arrest. But not here. "Right to privacy" rules. So my fiance isn't able to identify him, there were no witnesses, not enough cause for a warrant, and they can't force him to submit DNA. So where does that leave us? Unless the DNA from the hospital matches someone in the database, he more than likely will get away with it, like she said. I know it's not doing any good to be angry. I know it's out of my hands. But I am. Why does it seem like the bad guys have all the rights and good people like her are just left to deal with it?
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karen
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Jun 21, 2018 1:59:26 GMT
Post by karen on Jun 21, 2018 1:59:26 GMT
Hi Ava, it seems like bad people have all the rights, well, because they do. It is really sad sometimes the amount of crime that happens in the US and the high number that get away with it. It just seems like justice is never served. I feel like the US just doesn't do enough to punish people for the crimes they purposefully commit.
There are days when I can't stop thinking either. The statistics you speak of make me hurt. So much hurt is in this world and there isn't any way for it all to get dealt with. Sometimes I feel like if there was a place on this earth that separated the good from the bad, what a world it would be. I get discouraged sometimes, it is just too much to handle.
I am so sorry your fiance is going through all this. It just isn't right and it seems like nothing makes it better. Where does it leave you? I don't know, if you want to spend the money and get an attorney who may have the energy to fight for what is right? My other thought is how to help you and her feel empowered. Meaning, how can you find something "good" here and grow from it? I know that is really hard to deal with right now, there is a lot of anger, and feeling helpless. I know when i feel helpless, I try to figure out a way to make me stronger. How to make sure that scenario doesn't repeat itself. Then how do I heal? How do I survive my own feelings of anger and grief and frustration with a system that is just wrong. How a system that basically has devalued your fiance. A system that sends the message that what happened to her isn't horrible enough to get evidence to make it right.
Maybe when you both are ready, thinking about how to go forward. Counseling is a great thing and will continue to help. Perhaps take a self defense class, purchase pepper spray or mace, maybe join a Rape survivor support group..don't know if these exist, but perhaps there is a group out there and from it there may be action that causes the law to eventually get changed? How do we cope with tragedy and somehow come out whole again? How much fighting do we want to do in order to pursue justice? I don't know.
It is ok to be angry, it is ok to let yourself feel what you feel. Anger that is suppressed can become depression. It can lead to worse things. I guess at some point, we have to let it go, only you and your fiance can decide when you are ready to do that. And be aware that that time may be different for both of you. You and she have MANY reasons to be angry. My hope is Karma..that that shithead gets what he deserves.
I wish I had more wisdom to offer. I don't like this world very much right now, especially the USA. I can only hope that this guy will get caught somehow, some way and justice will be served. It is like our abusers, I hope that they are miserable. I don't believe in hating anyone, I only can hope that somehow there is a God, like I believe there is and that jerk rapist will pay for what he did, whether it is in this world or the next.
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