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Post by journey on Jul 25, 2018 3:30:22 GMT
I don't know where to start. My husband of 3 years has become violent and I can't make sense of it. He has been through a lot. He grew up in a foster home from the age of 8. His mom was neglectful of him and they found out he'd been left alone for 6 days with nothing in the house but water and moldy bread. He was diagnosed with anxiety and borderline personality disorder when he was 15 (he is 28 now.) He was on medication and had been stable for several years when I met him. Then he developed an addiction to his medication. It was maybe a year and a half ago that I figured it out. I think he hid it well for a long time. I had noticed a change in him about 8 months after we got married. He started sleeping 12-14 hours a day and when he was awake he was agitated. When I tried to talk to him about it he would become angry and aggressive. Once I woke up at 2:30 in the morning and found him in the kitchen, just standing there, staring at nothing. I don't think he even knew where he was. When I called his name, he reacted to me like I was an intruder and shoved me against the wall. The next morning he said he didn't remember but he felt terrible. I suggested that maybe his medication needed to be adjusted so he went back to the doctor and things were better for a couple of weeks but it didn't last. He began startling at the smallest things and yelling at me for coming up behind him. I was walking on eggshells around him and I still couldn't manage to not set him off. I couldn't talk to him about it because he would just say I didn't understand what he was going through, and he'd make me feel guilty for not being more supportive.
I first found out that he had a problem when I was spring cleaning the house and I found 5 or 6 bottles of his medication hidden all over the house from different doctors and different pharmacies. I confronted him and told him to flush them, which he did, and he cried and admitted he needed help. He started in an outpatient rehab program and he did get clean but a few weeks later, I found several bottles of the medication hidden in the house. This time I flushed it all myself. When he came home and realized he had been found out, he went nuts, tearing the house apart, yelling and punching the wall. When I finally told him that I had flushed it, he grabbed me and shoved me against the wall and slapped me. I began crying and so did he. He packed up a bag and went to a friend's house. He said he wouldn't be back. He said he couldn't live with himself if he ever hurt me again. He checked himself into an inpatient treatment facility after that and was able to complete a 30-day program. After that, we were in couples counseling for about 6 weeks before we decided to give it another try and I let him move back in.
Things were great for several months, he'd been prescribed a couple of non-narcotic medications, and they seemed to be working, until last summer. He started changing again, and behaving the way he had before, when I found out about his addiction. He hadn't hurt me since then, but he was on edge and picking at me over everything. Little things, like crumbs on the kitchen floor drove him crazy. He yelled at me once because the cat litter box smelled badly, even though the cat was inside of it and pooping at the time. I couldn't take anymore after a while and I confronted him again. He was LIVID. He accused me of being paranoid, of not believing in him. He said he told me he would never use again and I should believe him. So I told him, fine, and I searched the house, the garage and his car, then and there, right down to the clothes he was wearing. I didn't find anything and I felt incredibly guilty even though I wasn't really convinced he wasn't using.
I've searched periodically since then but so far, nothing. But he's continued to get worse. He has yelled right in my face, called me a bitch and a nag, grabbed me and shoved me more times than I can count. Because I had startled him. He has also thrown me to to the floor, thrown things at me, kicked me, and on Saturday he hit me with a piece of rubber stripping. He was holding it and I came up behind him and he swung it around so fast I couldn't get away in time. It left a welt on me but he says it was an accident. Nothing I do is right...it's like he expects me to be able to read his mind and to be aware of every little thing that might trigger him and not to do those things. He always feels badly and tells me how sorry he is but he says it's anxiety that makes him do what he does and he needs me to understand that. It's getting to the point where it's just too much to take. But I feel guilty even thinking about leaving. Maybe that sounds crazy but I keep telling myself if I tried harder to understand his illness, if I knew what exactly is making him react this way, then I might be able to help him. And I know he needs help. I'm just not sure I can do it.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jul 26, 2018 23:29:25 GMT
Hi Journey, welcome here! I am sorry this is happening to you. I am not 100% sure of what is going on but a lot of what you are describing sounds so much like abuse/domestic violence. Your husband is dangerous and I fear you are at very high risk of being hurt more.
Here is what I do believe. First, and obvious..your husband has a mental illness (anxiety disorder and personality disorder), he is also is addicted to narcotics/prescription medications. Those 2 things alone are not good. BUT..neither of them cause ABUSE or Domestic Violence. ABUSE and DOMESTIC VIOLENCE are made WORSE by both of those things, but not caused by them (addictions and mental illness).
Second, you are NOT the cause of his violence/anger issues. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. None of this is your fault. NEVER has it been your fault. You do NOT deserve any of what he is doing to you. This is ALL him. Please know, he is completely aware and in control of what he does. I know that may hard to believe, but he really is.
All you are feeling..guilt, eggshells, anxiety, shame, like you cannot do anything right, he blames you, you cause him to do what he does..these are all tactics of an ABUSER and he is possibly using the addiction and the mental illness as an excuse for his behavior.
I know this is awful for you and I would suggest a few things. Call a National Domestic Violence Hotline and talk to a counselor. They are "live" and 24/7 and can listen and help you if you decide to leave. I am hearing you say this is getting too much. Journey, he has the potential and capability to seriously injure your or kill you if his violence gets out of hand. Which it sounds like it already is there.
This may be hard to hear and tough words to consider, but I would leave. I would pack a bag, find a friend or family member or someone you trust where he wouldn't think of coming to find you and leave. The DV hotline can help you to think about this and begin to figure out a safe way to leave. I trust that you love him, but you cannot help him to be different at this point. You cannot change him, you cannot be "supportive" enough or love him enough or care enough to get him to be different. Sadly, he has to do this alone. He is the only one who can do it.
He isn't going to be different until he chooses to. There is a "cycle of violence" here and it is happening in your relationship. There are good periods, he is calm, he is remorseful, then the tension builds and he strikes again, it will keep happening. He says he is sorry, but if he really was he would stop.
I have been where you are, right now my thought is your safety. Taking care of you is most important.
If you are not ready to consider leaving..perhaps even just consider taking a break and leave for a few days? There is a 100% chance that he will get worse if you try and leave. Calling the hotline can help you safely plan to leave. He is going to promise you everything and anything, then he may get angry and blame you, call you names for leaving, make you feel incredibly guilty. It is very predictable.
Again, if you are not ready, a few things I would suggest is reading a book called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It is the "Bible" in my opinion of all things abusive/domestic violence. It will help you to have some insight as to what is going on. Or a book called "Jerk Radar"..by Steve McCrea. Both of these books are on Amazon. They may be in your local library as well. There is also a book called "Should I Stay or Should I Go"..also by Lundy Bancroft. All are great resources.
I don't mean to scare you, but you really are at risk for ending up terribly hurt. We are here to support you and help you as much as we can. Many women and men here have been where you are. Your inner "Voice" or Gut is telling you this is all wrong. Please listen to what that is telling you.
It can be different, it can be better, it can be Ok. Please be safe Journey, you deserve to be safe and happy!
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Post by Journey on Jul 28, 2018 3:58:17 GMT
Hi Karen.
Thank you for answering my post. It's been a hard day. He is really upset, going between being angry and crying and I have tried to calm him down and make him feel better but he is convinced I am planning to leave him. I was feeling brave last night and I called the hotline while my husband was out, just to ask some questions, not to talk about leaving. I panicked though and I hung up as soon as they answered. When he left for work this morning at 3:30am (he works 4am-noon), I couldn't get back to sleep. It's just getting so hard, holding it all inside. I ended up going to a friend's house and I told him that I've been having a hard time dealing with everything at home. I told him about my husband's outbursts and anger and how everything makes him jump. But I lied, when my friend asked me if my husband had been violent towards me, I said no. I felt like I'd be betraying my husband if I told on him. My friend told me that he will be here for me if I need him, day or night, which made me feel good, like I feel like I have someone I can confide in. When I got home, my husband was there and he was really upset that I hadn't been there when he got home. He backed me into a wall and asked where I was and I told him the truth. He knows this friend of mine and that my friend is gay. He's never shown jealousy towards him. But somehow he's convinced himself that my friend isn't actually gay and that we are using that as a cover for an AFFAIR. I told him that was ridiculous and he punched the wall.
You are right that it is hard to hear that he is choosing to behave this way. He has told me all this time that he wishes he could control it but he can't. It's hard to know what to believe anymore. I want to believe that if he hadn't been neglected, if he didn't have mental illness, he wouldn't be like this. I feel like his illnesses have him in their grip and he just doesn't know how to get away, and if he can figure it out, things would be like they were in the beginning again. He wasn't like this when I met him. The first time he hit me, when he left, he said it wasn't safe for me for him to stay. He said I meant too much to him. He really REALLY wanted to change, and he did for a while, but then he fell back into his old behaviors and now I think he's just given up on getting help. He says he doesn't know how to stop, he feels like no one has been able to help him. And he says he knows he should leave but he can't live without me, he's said he'd kill himself if he ever lost me. He has attempted suicide twice, before I met him. So I don't know how to feel except guilty when I think about walking away. How would I live with myself if I drove him to suicide? I want to be safe and I know this isn't safe but I don't know how to let go of the guilt.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jul 28, 2018 19:15:54 GMT
Hi Journey, I know you are feeling confused and wondering what is right and what is not. A few things you are mentioning are red flags to think about.
"I want to believe that if he hadn't been neglected if he didn't have mental illness he wouldn't be like this"..Everything he is doing to you is abusive. The illness has him in their grip..yes, illness is hard to deal with, but please know..mental illness does not cause the abuse your husband is inflicting on you. IT DOES NOT. Your husband is abusive because he needs to put you down, to control you, to manipulate you so HE CAN feel better. HE is the only PERSON WHO MATTERS and you not going along with this idea or you not being on his side 1000% is just wrong to him. He will do everything he can to control you, manipulate you, blame you, make you feel guilty..it is a NEVER ENDING situation unless you decide to end it.
And I agree, he probably wasn't like this in the beginning..they never are. They are charming, suave, handsome, fun-loving, complimentary, they make you feel so loved and so good and why? Because you wouldn't stay or marry him if he started out being abusive. They HOOK us very very quickly and once we are hooked, we are stuck. You will never be able to satisfy this guy. NEVER.
I know you feel guilty and I know it is really hard to hear what he is doing is him. He can control it, he CHOOSES not too. He knows you may think about leaving and he is doing everything he can to manipulate you to not leave. Your "gut" is telling you this is wrong. I suspect your gut has been telling you this for a while. There are signs and little things that may have made you go "huh?" "what is that, oh it is just how he is".
To answer your question about driving him to suicide? First, you cannot make someone commit suicide. It is a tactic to make you feel responsible for his behavior. It is a threat, it is a tactic to make you stay. If he attempts suicide..it is HIS CHOICE. He is responsible for his actions, not you. He has worked his tactics with you for so long that you believe that you are responsible for EVERYTHING he says, he does, he feels. PLEASE..you are NOT.
I would suggest reading the first few pages of "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I can't tell you what to do or what to feel. I read that book, I was SHOCKED when there were sentences and quotes that my ex-husband and ex-re-bound boyfriend said WORD FOR WORD..they both were in that book!!! How does that happen? Because they are abusers. And they will do anything and everything to keep you under their thumb.
Journey, I know this is shocking and very hard to think about. I can't tell you how difficult it was to end my 26 year relationship with my now ex-husband who was very abusive. There were so many red flags that I chose not to acknowledge, I didn't want to see it. I had my 10 room house, my 2 beautiful kids and my house with a white picket fence. BUT I had a partner who sucked the life out of me, who ran us into $50,000 in debt(he gambled and stole money from our kids and me) and to this day has not paid 1 cent of it back. I had to pay it or be ruined financially. He is/was horrible. AND I knew it deep down inside, and I talked myself out of seeing what was right before my face.
If you do nothing else, educate yourself on what an abuser looks like. Don't take my word for it, read and learn. Your partner is not going to change, he will continue to tighten his rule over you and it will be worse. It took me a long time to finally leave. That was almost 5 years ago. It is the best thing I ever did.
I have a friend whose very abusive boyfriend..threatened suicide when she decided to leave him (they had dated 5 months) and he attempted and ended up in the hospital to avoid going to court so she wouldn't get a restraining order. She ended up getting one and he stalked her and threatened her, broke a window on her car..a real shit and he claimed "Oh I love you". No he didn't. That isn't love. He lived and is still a jerk.
We blame ourselves for their dysfunction, we believe we deserve to be called names, we can't believe they accuse us of affairs (they are probably having one themselves and that is why they accuse us), we believe we are the cause of their nastiness, we believe we deserve to be hit. Journey..none of these things are right. You don't deserve to be hit or shoved or trapped up against a wall, or called horrible names, or accused of horrible things..you have devoted your life to this man and this is how he treats you?. NO ONE DESERVES ANY OF THIS. That isn't LOVE. That is abuse.
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Post by journey on Jul 29, 2018 2:40:26 GMT
Hi Karen, he found out about the hotline. He shook me awake this morning and shoved my phone in my face. I got angry and he said I had no right to be because he is not the one who has been lying. I had told him yesterday that I was NOT planning on leaving, but he said (this morning) that obviously I was because he knew I called the hotline. I told him I only dialed the number and I didn't talk to anyone but he got in my face and yelled LIAR! He was at me all morning into the afternoon. He was saying that all this time I've been telling him he's being ridiculous when the whole time everything he was worried about was TRUE. He said if I wondered why I had trust issues I should look in the mirror, it's because of people like ME. I tried to calm him down but there was no talking to him. Yesterday when he asked me if I was thinking about leaving, I was so close to telling him the truth. I wanted to tell him that I couldn't take anymore of his paranoia and his outbursts and anger. Instead I lied to him again and I feel like he has a point. I'm not being honest with him. We've both left the house. He was throwing things, breaking plates, and he eventually stormed off. I thought about cleaning up his mess but I left it and went to a bookstore. I found that book Why Does He Do That. I couldn't get myself to open it. I tried and I broke down crying. I had to leave. I am going to come back next week though and get it, so I can keep it in my locker at work. We only have one car, and if he found it in there I'm sure he'd go ballistic, so it's better that way.
Anyway, I am sitting in my car in the parking lot and I have been waiting for him to call and beg me to come back like he has before, but he hasn't. And the worst part is that I want him to. It hurts like hell that he hasn't. I hate the tension. I just want to make up with him. I'm dreading going home...at least if he had called I'd know what to expect when I got there. I can't stop thinking I could have prevented this whole situation if I'd just been honest. I know that's wrong...I know what you have been telling me, and I know it probably seems like I'm not hearing you, but I am and I know I'm in a bad situation here. I just don't know how to stop feeling this way. I tell myself that he could stop if he wanted to, or even if he couldn't control it, if he cared about what he was doing, he'd leave on his own for my safety, like he did before. But then there's this voice in my head that says if I'd only done this, or if I hadn't done that, he wouldn't get upset, and that I'm his wife and I owe it to him to stand by him. Despite everything he's done, I still love him.
I should say, my family is very religious (I was but not anymore), and none of them have ever been divorced and I was raised to believe that when you say your wedding vows, you stick by them come hell or high water. My parents were always fighting. I never saw my dad hit my mom, but I heard him put her down and call her names. She always had a comeback and seemed to do a good job of standing up for herself, but many times when she was alone in their bedroom, I could hear her crying. I know she thought about leaving, but at the end of the day, she believed divorce wasn't an option, and anyway, all he had to do was admit to her that he was a jerk and make her laugh, and she'd forgive him. They've been married 35 years and it's still the same. I want to shake her and tell her she doesn't have to take this for the rest of her life (hypocritical, I know). But she says she's made her bed and now she has to lie in it. My dad and I don't have much of a relationship anymore, and my mom and I get along OKAY as long as we don't talk about my dad. I've confided in my aunt (mom's sister) and an older cousin and they tell me I need to stay out of it because their marriage is their business. That's pretty much my family's attitude. I'm really afraid if I leave my husband, I'm going to lose them as well.
I don't know what scares me more: what he might do, or losing everyone I love. I have been trying desperately to just make everything right again so I didn't have to make that decision. But now I'm having to face the fact that it might not be possible to make it right. I guess I've known for a while, but it's so hard.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jul 29, 2018 18:43:47 GMT
Hey Journey, kudos to you for going to the book store and just making an attempt. Doing that may seem insignificant..but it really is HUGE. It is you taking a step towards your freedom. I know you hear me, I also know it is really really hard to let the truth sink in.
A few things you said struck me..your husband is very much like your father. Even if your father didn't hit you or directly abuse you, you witnessed what he did to your Mom and what I suspect he is still doing. Your father sounds very abusive to me also. I was like your Mom..I didn't believe in divorce. I have a strong faith in God and I truly meant every word I said during my wedding vows. BUT..if my ex had meant what HE SAID? AND lived his life the way he said he was going to? We would still be married. The God I believe in wouldn't want me to be with someone who hurts me almost daily. It took me a while, but I finally realized that God was telling me to leave. The rebound boyfriend (a horrible guy I fell for online dating and moved in with after I left my marriage) when that relationship ended, I truly believe God took me out of that situation, the circumstances were my ex-boyfriend kicked me out of his house, I was devastated. BUT I believe in my heart that God said to me .."take this opportunity and run!" I did. I went back for a few "dates" with this guy and it was awful. I have since educated myself on DV and went to counseling and have worked really hard at learning to love myself.
I too lost a whole group of family by leaving my ex-husband. I believe in my heart though, that if they truly loved me(the way I believe we should love each other), they would understand. Those that didn't..that is fine, I don't need them in my life. And that was not easy for me to say or do..I am a people pleaser, I want everyone to be happy and I would never turn my back on anyone. My Christian beliefs taught me to "love" everyone. I love them as they are humans, but I have learned that they do not have to be in my life. And it took a while, but I am still in contact with some of my in-laws. I was lucky, my parents stood behind me when I left my marriage. They saw what he was. My father and mother though are not abusive..but they have some serious issues that I struggle with. They are very controlling and were not what I needed growing up. They are still in my life, but it is on my terms, not theirs. And it is OK.
I have rebuilt my life. I have "started" over. I have my daughters back with me (I had to leave them with their Dad as I couldn't afford to rent a place and pay the mortgage on the house, he refused to leave and my kids needed to finish school). They see their Dad for what he is. They see me as a strong woman who has learned to be independent and have a lot of self-respect that I didn't have before. I have my own home, I have a great job (I lost my job 2 years ago from not handling the PTSD that I had very well) that I love and make a very good living. I am in charge of my own finances and NO ONE will ever be allowed in my life who wants to hurt me. I am happy. I just broke up with a guy I had been dating for 3 years as he triggered me so much, I just knew we weren't going to work out.
There is life after abuse. And it is worth all the hurt, the struggle, the fear, the challenges that we face to get there. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. AND I wouldn't go back to being that person for all the money in the world.
I know it hurts that he is not calling you to come home. It devastated me when it dawned on me that my ex-husband and the ex-boyfriend really didn't love me. I know you love him. One day though, you may come to ask yourself..what do I really love? I don't love my ex-husband. I don't love the ex-boyfriend. These guys blamed me for everything that went wrong, they accused me of horrible things, they never had time to talk to me, they never cared about my career, my devotion to my kids, all they cared about was THEM. They "loved" what I did for them. They loved that I had sex whenever they wanted, that I turned myself inside out to please them, to keep their homes nice, to take care of his kids, to cook, to clean, to make him look good to other people. The marriage was one-sided. The boyfriend relationship was all about HIM. It was the worst feeling in the world to admit to myself that they didn't love me...not because of who I am..but because they are not CAPABLE of LOVING ANYONE but THEM!!!
One thing too..You don't OWE your husband anything. The man beats the crap out of you, he wakes you up to yell at you, he hits you, he belittles you, he blames you and he makes you believe that you deserve all of this because you are not being honest with him?? Journey..the only person you OWE anything to is YOU!!
You will destroy yourself trying to make "everything right again". YOU WILL NEVER MAKE HIM HAPPY. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO..he will find fault. He has you doubting yourself, he has you believing that you are worthless and because you want to leave that is WRONG..NO IT IS NOT..you have EVERY REASON to want to leave and anyone who blames you for that..they are the problem, not you.
Just FYI..perhaps go to your local library and you can use the computers there safely. The book is on AMAZON and you can read a few pages of it before buying it for free. The library has the book also. Erase the history on your phone, obviously he checks it. He has no right to invade your privacy, None.
Please be safe, be careful, Your husband is dangerous. He is going to hurt you badly Journey. He does not own you, he is not in charge of you, and you are not responsible for his happiness or his abusive behaviors.
I know you hear me. Please hear me too when I say..you are a loving, kind, sweet person who deserves all the love, kindness, joy that life can give you. BUT, you are in danger of being seriously hurt or killed. Your life is important and finding that light at the end of this "dark tunnel" called abuse, it worth everything.
My favorite quote..."YOU ARE BRAVER THAN YOU BELIEVE, STRONGER THAN YOU SEEM, and SMARTER THAN YOU THINK".
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Post by journey on Jul 29, 2018 23:47:53 GMT
Karen, thank you. When you said my life is important...I cried because no one has ever told me that before. My mom has spent her life trying to please everyone around her and I guess she taught me the same thing. I remember when my dad was in a foul mood and my mom couldn't turn it around, I'd try to think of ways to make him happy, in the hopes of protecting her from one of his verbal attacks. I remember that going on when I was as young as 4-5 years old. Before I was even in school. If I could just make him smile, then I'd crawl up into his lap and hug him and all would be right with the world, for a little while at least. And my mom would praise me for it. But when it didn't work and he'd shove me aside, she'd say NOTHING. I don't remember her ever asking if I was okay, or telling me it was alright. When I pleased her or my dad, I was showered with affection and I lived for that. Otherwise I was largely ignored. I was the youngest of 5 kids so I understand she was tired and stressed and worn-down, but I needed her.
I snuck out this morning and I called the hotline. I did delete the number from the call log this time. I am starting a safety plan. When I came home last night, he was giving me the silent treatment. I went to bed in the guest room. Then this morning, he was acting real sweet and trying to get intimate and when I didn't reciprocate, he got very quiet and sat around just sort of glaring at me while I cleaned up from breakfast. I tried not to show it, but I was freaking out inside. He went out after and he hasn't come back. He called this afternoon and he told me he was was sorry--though he didn't say for what--and he'd see me tomorrow. He said he's staying at a hotel tonight. I just don't know what's going on with him. I feel like I need to get out of here but I don't want to do it without a plan. We don't have a lot of money, what we have would run out pretty fast. And I don't even know where I'd stay. He inherited this house from his grandfather before we got married so it's his. I can't stay with my parents. And my friend I confided in has a child who lives with him, so I'd feel bad putting them out. I'm also afraid of what my husband might do, since he's convinced that my friend and I are having an affair.
So if I don't post for a while, it's because I'm going to just try to get things back into a calmer state around here. He knows something is up and I can't risk upsetting him anymore. I'm just going to do what he wants and try to stay out of his way, until I can get my plan together. The woman at the hotline said that leaving is the most dangerous time and sometimes it's better to have a plan first if I'm not in immediate danger so that's what I'm going with. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I don't know anymore.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jul 30, 2018 1:12:36 GMT
Hi Journey, your parents sound a little like mine. I still try and please them and I am in my 50's! I am much better at doing what is best for me, but it has taken me a long time to get there. I recently learned some things about myself and why I am "triggered". It started when I was very little (like 4 or 5) and how I have been taught my whole life that what I want or need does not matter. It does not. What matters is what my parents believed was best for me, or what my abusive boyfriend in college thought was best.(he was the first), or what my husband decided I should or shouldn't do with my life, or the ex-boyfriend who basically believed he had the right to control everything I did or said. The college jerk... I remember how hurt I was that he did not approve of my career choice, my parents didn't either. Disappointing everyone was the worst thing for me. I would have changed my major to make them happy. All of that stayed with me into adulthood and I picked men who disapproved of all my choices and blamed me for not thinking things through, they blamed me for ideas that didn't go well and they basically believed that they knew what was best because again, if I truly loved them, what I wanted didn't matter, only what they wanted was important(substitute the men for my parents). I am so glad you called the hotline. You are being so smart Journey, so very smart Stay safe. That is the most important thing to focus on for now. It sounds like you have a good plan in mind and I think you are making good choices. No worries about posting, do what is best for you! I will be thinking of you. I know you are not that religious, but I will be saying prayers and wishing you well from afar. I hate the silent treatment. What's going on are abusive tactics to keep you on edge, to make you feel guilty, to make you feel remorseful for all you did (which was focus on you and not him), he is giving you the silent treatment as a form of punishment for ignoring him and not reciprocating. He went through several tactics all to just get what he wants. If it gives you any comfort, please know that what he is doing is VERY PREDICTABLE and IT IS VERY ABUSIVE. It is all abusive tactics. AND it is very common. I have seen those behaviors and experienced them myself. Him not coming home overnight, I don't want to alarm you, but he may be having an affair. One thing abusers do is they accuse us of the things THEY are actually doing. My ex accused me of having an affair with a friend from college whom I hadn't seen or heard from in over 30 years. I was horrified..I would never cheat on a partner. Never have and never would. My ex met a woman 4 weeks after he kicked me out of his house and started seeing her or at least communicating with other women while he and I were still together. Just a thought. It is understandable about your friend, makes sense to be afraid of what your husband may do. Maybe your friend knows people who may be able to help? Also, if you have a local Domestic Violence Center..perhaps go there, they have shelters where they can help to give you a place to stay until you can get back on your feet. Also, don't be surprised if your husband locks you out of the bank account. He may make it very difficult for you to get any money. Be safe Journey..one of my favorite sayings that got me through some very rough times is "Trust Your Journey". Meaning, trust the path you are on. It will take you to a safe place. Hugs to you Journey, it will be OK. Keep breathing, get as much rest as you can and take care of you!
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Post by journey on Jul 30, 2018 14:52:53 GMT
Karen, I had to leave in the middle of the night. It still doesn't seem real. He found the emergency bag I packed last night. I put it just under my side of the bed. I know that was probably stupid but I was planning on moving it to a hiding place this morning. I just didn't expect him to come back when he did.
What you said about him cheating on me, it's true. He came home at about midnight and he crawled into bed and he started kissing me. I could smell perfume on him but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to upset him. I just told him to get off of me. He said he was sorry and he promised me things were going to be different. I told him not now. I told him we could talk in the morning and he immediately stormed off. A couple of hours later he was back and tearing the house apart. I went out to tell him to stop and he hit me with the back of his hand. He blamed me for coming up on him and continued throwing things around. He was completely wasted. Something happened, I know it. I've ever seen him drunk, ever. He was calling me a lying bitch and a whore...He said I swore I'd be there for him but I never loved him at all. He asked me again if I was planning on leaving him. He said I had to tell him, right there and then. I told him we could talk about it when he was sober. I thought he'd just storm off again.. That's what he does. He followed me into the bedroom and turned the light on and he said no, we'll talk about it NOW. I tried to get away. But he grabbed me by the back of my neck and pushed me down. He went to pull me back up and he saw my bag. I tried to tell him I was sorry but he wouldn't listen.I have never seen a look like that on his face. He told me to shut up. He said he was sick of my lies. He said all he ever asked for was the truth. He called me every awful name you could imagine. Every so often he stopped to kick me or hit me with his belt. He said it was my fault. He said I made him this way. After he stopped, I just laid there until I heard the front door slam and heard him take off on his motorcycle. I'm pretty sure he took my car keys with him too because I couldn't find them. I had to wake up a neighbor.
I don't know what I'm going to do now. I'm currently at a hotel waiting for a call back from a women's shelter, but I don't know if I want to go into it. Nothing makes any sense right now. I feel so stupid. I underestimated him. I didn't think it would ever get this bad.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jul 31, 2018 1:54:02 GMT
Oh my gosh Journey..I am so sorry this happened. Oh my gosh!
I know everything is confusing, it is unreal, it is turned upside down. My first thought is you may want to go to the hospital and get yourself checked out to make sure you are ok and call the police. I know you don't want to make things worse, I get it, but this guy could have killed you. He assaulted you and you could press charges. You can also get a restraining order to keep him away from you. You can call the police every time he attempt to get near you, and I am sorry to say he may try and do that.
I know this is scary, perhaps for now, take a breath. The shelter can help, if nothing else they can protect you until you can figure out what to do next. And you didn't do anything stupid Journey..please blame this where it belongs..on your shithead of a husband. He deserves every horrible thing he has coming to him.
THIS WASN"T YOUR FAULT...you did not deserve his crap...none of it. Everything he said to you was WRONG..it is not your fault, you did not have to talk to him if you didn't want to and he wouldn't have cared if you told him the truth, this wasn't about you..it was about his selfish need to control you, manipulate you and fulfill his shit idea of him being the only one who matters. I hope he rots.
If you want, please call the police. He may not be done and may come after you and you need to be protected. Please trust the people in the shelter to help you to stay safe. The police can pick him up. Also, I know you won't want to , but going to the hospital and getting things documented would help. I know it is humiliating, but the evidence they gather could help you put him in jail if needed.
My heart hurts for you Journey, I am so sorry this happened. Take some time for now and just catch your breath.
I would suggest you not answer your phone, he will try and text you and call you and send e-mails, all for the hope of you giving in and going back to him. He may threaten suicide, he may even try it. Please know..you are not responsible for any thing he does or has done. You ARE NOT..this was not your fault. I know you blame yourself and the shame you are feeling is intense. BUT..this is ALL HIS FAULT..people who love us don't hit us, kick us, call us whores and F***ing bitches. Try not to answer his calls. He will call and he will beg and then he will try and get at you again.
I am thinking of you Journey, I just can't stop saying I am so sorry this happened. I hope he is somewhere rotting.
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Post by journey on Jul 31, 2018 13:59:11 GMT
Hi Karen, I am at the shelter. He was calling me all morning yesterday, and I only answered once to tell him I don't want to talk to him and for him to leave me alone but he wouldn't. Someone from the shelter came and picked me up and took me to the hospital. I am okay, it's nothing that won't heal. But it's documented. I haven't talked to the police. I'm just not sure I'm ready for all of that, and the social worker said I didn't have to talk to them to get an emergency restraining order, which he has already been served with. The police will only get involved if he violates the order and I am okay with that. My mom also called me yesterday...apparently my husband called her when he came back home early yesterday and I wasn't there. He told her we had a "fight". I told her not to tell him anything and she said she wouldn't but she wanted to know what was going on. I told her the short version and she was furious. Later I guess he called her back and she said she told him that she wouldn't tell him where I was even if she knew and to never to call there again, she'd have his ass thrown in jail. Go Mom. So, she wants me to come home to her and my dad but I told her I can't. I know she's hurt but I just can't deal with my dad. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do next, I'm just going to try to rest and catch up on some sleep for now. I thought it would feel harder but I just feel relieved. The counselor told me my feelings may change from one day to the next or even from one hour to the next and to be prepared for it but I'm okay right now.
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Post by journey on Jul 31, 2018 19:03:10 GMT
So now my dad just called and left a message on my voicemail asking me to come home. He actually said, "I promise, things are going to be different this time." Like I haven't heard that a hundred times before. From him and my husband. Really, that was the best he could come up with? Sorry, I'm tired. That just really put me off. Shutting off my phone now because I can't deal anymore.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jul 31, 2018 21:42:13 GMT
Hi Journey, I am so glad to hear that you are safe! Relieved..is one of my favorite words, I am sure that feeling is there! I promise you , his version of what happened will be very different than yours. I am so glad you went to the hospital and an emergency restraining order is in place. Counselors are right, you don't have to talk to the police if you don't want to.
Your Mom sounds awesome for the moment! So nice that she stepped up to the plate and told your husband off. It sounds like your parents are well meaning at this point, but yes, it can be too much to deal with all at once. And you are very right, you have heard it way too many times. The fact that he even said that to you? Your Dad knows that he doesn't do the right things and say the right things and many times he is the problem. That doesn't mean he will change. Take a break from all of that..not a bad decision.
The counselor is very right in that your emotions, thoughts, will be up and down and change from moment to moment and day to day. The hardest part of all this is when your feelings are "I am guilty, I shouldn't have made him so angry, maybe I can give him another chance". Those thoughts and feelings are what take someone back to their abuser. It is those down moments, or very tough times when we miss them (or at least what we thought was the good times). If you feel ready, don't have any contact with him at all. No Contact. Focusing on you may be the best thing you can do at this point, you also don't want to give him any idea where you are. That endangers you and those in the shelter.
He is going to keep trying, calling everyone you both know to figure out where you are. Please stay safe. Get rest, eat well, save up your energy.
It is really going to be OK Journey..really. You are so brave, and smart, and wise, and good. You are going in the right direction for you and that is what matters right now. YOU MATTER! You deserve this feeling of relief. I am thinking of you and sending you positive energy and thoughts!
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Post by journey on Aug 2, 2018 5:05:30 GMT
Hi Karen, it's been a rough day. My mom called me this afternoon, hysterical. My dad was arrested. She said my husband came to their house this afternoon, drunk and begging her to tell him where I was. Then my dad came out of the house and started punching him. My husband called the police on him. Then he took off on his motorcycle and a few miles down the road, he crashed it and he's in the hospital. The hospital called me and they said he is going to be okay except he has road rash on the side he landed, bad enough that he'll be in the hospital overnight at least. They asked when I was going to come to see him and I told them I had a restraining order against him so I wouldn't be coming. A few hours later my mom called back and told me my dad was released and that the police decided not to pursue charges, at my HUSBAND'S request. The police came to the hospital to question him about the accident and he asked them to drop the charges against my dad. He took responsibility for the whole thing. My mom told me that she is sure he only had the the charges dropped to try to get to me. So why do I feel SO guilty? I have been fighting the urge to go to the hospital all evening. I feel bad for him, I know he must be in a lot of pain and I just want to make sure he's okay. What am I thinking?
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Aug 3, 2018 0:49:23 GMT
Hi Journey, wow! It sounds like an awful day!
I know this is all so horrible and I am sure you are feeling a lot of guilt. Can I share a few things with you that may help?
SO..first and foremost..NONE of this is your fault. Your husband CHOSE to go to your parents, he CHOSE to drink before, your father CHOSE to punch him and your husband CHOSE to ride off drunk and I am sure at excessive speed and crash. The crash may have not been on purpose..but it very well could have been on purpose to get you to go to the hospital so he could have another go at you. You may think "Oh he wouldn't do that on purpose"..oh yes he would and there is a huge chance he did. I don't know if you went to the hospital..I hope not, but I know the "pull" to go is very strong. ALSO..he probably dismissed the charges against your Dad because he knew it would make him look like a "good" guy to you and to your Dad and to your Mom..Please don't fall into this trap he is setting. He wants to show you he is a good guy so you will come back to him. It is a trap and he will snap that "trap" and beat you up again.
If he is in pain..well then so be it. The amount of pain HE is in ..is nothing compared to all the HURT and PAIN he has put on you. He has done horrible things to you...this is KARMA for him. I am not saying you or I are being nasty by not caring about him. It is OK to set a boundary for yourself and NOT go and see him. He will be fine. He will be more than fine. Don't be surprised if at some point he calls that little fling he had who smelled like perfume and get her to make him feel better. I know that is harsh..but he will blame you for not going to him and he needed comforting, so you made him do it.
You are thinking all this because of the attachment we end up having with these horribly abusive men. It is called Stockhom Syndrome..and it happens when we attach or get addicted to those who cause us horrible trauma. Almost like someone who "bonds" with their jailer, or kidnapper. It happens. No Contact...he is going to do everything he can to get your attention. He will be fine. I promise you. Plus,,if you want that restraining order to work..you HAVE to stay away from him.
As soon as you go near him he will do EVERYTHING he can to draw you back in and I promise you it will end in you getting hit, or shoved, or raped, or slapped, and called tons of horrible names..because your gut will tell you to resist him and he will sense it and move in on you harder.
Journey..I know you care about him, I know you love him, but this guy can kill you. You say he wouldn't do that..Oh YES HE WOULD. And somehow he will blame you for making him do it. Please..stay away for now.
You feel bad for him because that is what your brain has been trained to do. He deserves nothing from you or anyone. EVERYTHING he did to you , he did on purpose.
I hope you are ok. I am sorry if I sound like I am lecturing you. I know this time is really hard right now, there are so many thoughts and feelings and it is all really confusing. Take a breath, take a step back and think a while before you do anything. Remember..this guy cheated on you, he beat the crap out of you, called you every horrible name he can think of and yet..he loves you? No he doesn't. He has no idea what it means to love anyone but himself. Stay safe Journey..give yourself some time to heal.
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Post by journey on Aug 4, 2018 15:14:14 GMT
Hi Karen,
I didn't go. I sat in the counselor's office for almost 2 hours, going back and forth on it, but I didn't go. I heard her on the first day when she said my feelings may change moment to moment but I didn't realized how much. I was relieved and now I've been through confused, sad, lonely, guilty, angry, scared and sometimes everything at once. I just miss him, not the way he was when I left, but the way he was when we met. I can't help thinking if I could get that back, if I could stop him from abusing drugs, maybe it would be different. I wish I could get over that, but I just can't shake it.
The counselor said that the person he is now, is the same person he was when we met and the person he has always been. She said he was just hiding this part of himself. I asked her if she really thought that he went into our relationship with malicious intent, like when we met, was he thinking of how he'd abuse me. And she said only he knows what he was thinking at that time, but it's likely he was. To put it plainly, it pissed me off that she'd say that. I walked out of her office at that point, totally intending on packing my bag and going to the hospital. Something stopped me though. I don't know what...and she was able to convince me to come back in.
I know he is probably out of the hospital by now, but I am still fighting the urge to see him. He hasn't called since the restraining order went into effect and I should be happy about it but it's bothering me. I don't know if this is going to come out right, but part of it is because I'd feel like if he cared he'd call, and the other part is that I overheard 2 of the women here talking about their exes coming after them after they've left, one was stabbed, and I'm thinking, what if he's being quiet because he's planning something? But then I think he would never do that. He's got problems, but he's not that evil, right? I'm sorry if I'm not making any sense, I can't understand it myself, it's like I have a million contradicting thoughts running through my head at the same time.
I'm also fighting the urge to go to my parents' house. They asked me again today. I feel so lonely here, I cry myself to sleep every night and it may sound crazy at 27 years old, but I just want my mom. I just want her to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. But then she couldn't even give that to me when I was a child, so I don't know why I think she would now. Besides I can't stop thinking the whole thing is a ploy by my dad to get me back into church. He hasn't said 2 words to me in the last year and now he's all sweetness and light?
I don't want to offend you, Karen. I know you're a Christian and I don't think all Christians are terrible people. I've had Christian friends who were amazing people. But my family is very fundamentalist. It's all black and white to them and I'm definitely the black sheep of the family. I know some of my family members have questioned things, but I'm the only one who has given it all up and said out loud that I don't believe it anymore. I haven't stopped believing in God, I just don't believe in the church or the religious dogma. But that's not enough for my family. When I was 19, I stopped attending their Baptist church and started going to a Methodist church some friends introduced me to. My family staged an intervention, brought in the preacher, 30+ people trying to get me to come back, telling me that my very soul was at stake. My oldest sister was the only one who didn't participate, I found out later that she told my parents it was over the top and they were only going to push me further away, which is exactly what it did. My sister is 8 years older than me and acted more like my mom than my mom did. She was my protector and who I went to when I needed affection. I've picked up the phone to call her so many times, but I can't go through with it. She's still super religious like everyone else, and I think they're all pretty sure I'm heading straight for hell. I've tried to be strong all of these years but it gets very lonely, and now, leaving my husband, I don't know what I'm going to do now. I feel like I have no one.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Aug 5, 2018 0:50:09 GMT
Hey Journey, first and foremost, I am not offended, no worries. I want to help you if I can, this is about you and where you are right now. Everyone has the right to believe what they want to believe. I don't want to offend anyone either, but Baptist is not one of my favorite religions. I know people like your family and it scares me to be around people who are that fundamentalists. I wish your Mom was what you need right now and even though I would hope your parents have good intentions, I would be a little skeptical of what they want at this point. Helping you and embracing you would be ideal, but given how determined they are to follow their religious beliefs..I fear they would tell you it is your duty to go back to your husband and be the good wife God wants you to be. For the record, the God I believe in would never want me to be in an abusive relationship. Given what your family did to you, I would not be a fan of religion either.
Maybe just calling your sister wouldn't be too horrible? You don't have to go and see her or live with her, but just talk to her? It would be so nice if she would just listen and love you. Not judge or demand that you do what she thinks is best. There is a thing called "secondary abuse". At this time, you are very vulnerable to being abused by those who tell you what to do because they think they know what is best. My sister..I love her dearly..but she told me I needed to get over my ex and move on. She also was livid that I went out on a date with him after he kicked me out of his house. I, like you , wanted and needed to see him..and I did just for 2 dates. Big mistake. He told me we would go look at rings and once I was better off financially and divorced we could get married. He still loved me..NOT..I learned VERY quickly that being away was the best thing for me. BUT I had to learn it ON MY OWN. I don't suggest you go back..not at all..but I understand the pull to want to go.
This is your "journey" ..it is your path that you are on and no one should tell you what is good for you. Only you can determine that.
I know what the counselor said was hurtful. Sadly, she is right. And hearing what she said and taking it in as possibly the truth is VERY DIFFICULT to hear. Very understandable that you don't want to think that. Narcissists and ABUSERs..they are the same..they are very skillful people. Yes, your husband presented himself to you in a way that got you hooked on him. AND you were completely 100% devoted to him and in love with him, your whole life revolved around HIM and that is exactly what he WANTED. I know that feeling when it sinks in that what they do is not love. My ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend didn't love me..at least not the way I loved them. THEY LOVED HOW I MADE THEM FEEL.. they loved that I only focused on them everyday, that I gave up things I enjoyed and loved to only focus on them. THEY make it so we feel guilty if we don't devote our lives to them. When you started to not 100% focus on him, or even question him or started to show that you were not sure of him..he started to hit you and blame you and shove you and call you names. He can't fathom that you would focus on anything but HIM.
It is a lifetime of him learning that the only thing that should matter is him getting what he believes is 100% devotion, loyalty and love. BUT what is impossible..is NO ONE can give that to him. NO ONE. Because even if you did? You would have to sacrifice who you are. It is a one sided relationship. He gives to get, he hurts before he is hurt. I know it doesn't make sense. BUT this is ABUSERS..they don't change. He will keep abusing you as long as you are with him.
AND this HURTS..it is gut wrenching. My thought is ..just take one day at a time. Let yourself rest and heal from this. It is devastating. AND you are right, your emotions are all over the place. It is like giving up and addiction..it physically and mentally hurts. I think I cried for several days when my ex-boyfriend kicked me out. I gave him my WHOLE self. I left my kids for him and it wasn't good enough.
I am so glad you didn't go to the hospital. It will get easier. BUT, if you do nothing else, give yourself time to sort through all the feelings. Nothing happens overnight. I know this is hard, the counselor..they have been doing this a long time, they know what happens and why and they are going to be honest with you. I know it is very hard to believe that if you could just get that guy that you met in the beginning back everything would be ok. THE HARDEST THING TO LET SINK IN is that guy you wish for is not real..the guy who hits you is real. Imagine if he hit you on the first date? You wouldn't give him a second one would you? Of course not..so he charmed you, he said what you wanted to hear, he gave you what you wanted, he put it on so heavy. AND it felt so so so good didn't it? We trusted them, we believed them. I can't tell you how fast I fell in love with my ex-boyfriend...OMG..I truly believed HE WAS THE ONE I had been searching for my whole life. I couldn't have been more wrong. This guy who told me he loved me, he had everything in common with me, would later accuse me of horrible things, call me names, make me think I was crazy, demand that I give up friends I cared about.."because they want to hurt us". Separated me from my kids and my family..people I have loved my whole life.If you love someone..truly love them..why would you treat them that way? Because they are abusers..they are narcissists.
I know this is so hard to believe..but Journey, it will get better. I know you don't know what to do next. I know you feel alone. Maybe just talk to your sister? See if you can trust her.
Those women at the shelter? They have been where you are. There are women on this forum who have been hospitalized and beat up. I support a foundation called "One Love Foundation". It was formed after the woman who started it..her daughter was killed (strangled) by her ex-boyfriend. He beat the crap out of her because she wouldn't go back to him. It happens. 1 in 3 women have experienced abuse. That is huge.
One day at a time Journey, please trust that the people at the shelter only want to help. A lot has happened in a short time. Just one hour, one day one minute at a time. Rest, focus on you. Nothing has to change right away. Breathe, eat, rest, and drink water. Take care of you. Hugs to you.
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Post by journey on Aug 5, 2018 22:18:11 GMT
Hi Karen,
What you and the counselor said about my husband, you are right, it is hard to hear, and harder to believe. I have always believed that there's good in everybody, nobody is purely evil. I still can't process that, but I'm trying. My counselor is lending me a copy of the Lundy Bancroft book next week so I will start reading it. My husband has started calling my friend now, the one he accused me of cheating with. My friend knows I'm at a shelter, but not where. But my husband is convinced he knows, called him and cussed him out. My friend called the police and they said they'd talk to my husband and recommended my friend get a restraining order if it keeps happening. My question is: if I've got a restraining order, shouldn't that prohibit him trying to find me through other people? It doesn't make any sense that he can continue to call everyone we know...are they all supposed to get restraining orders?
I called my sister. She already knew. My mom called her 2 days ago. She told her that I've left my husband, that he hit me and cheated on me. And asked her to try and talk some sense into me about moving back with my parents. My sister said she hadn't called because she didn't know what to say. And she said she didn't want to get in the middle. Not surprisingly...that's the way we were brought up. Don't rock the boat. The kicker is that my mom told my sister that they hope my husband and I can work it out, they think if I would just come back to the church, if we would just let God back into our lives, God could heal my husband. But if I want a divorce, they will support me, because: infidelity. That's the only acceptable reason for divorce. None of the other shit is even a factor in their eyes.
My sister told me not to worry about what our parents think. She said she'd support me even if he hadn't cheated, because he also made a vow to love and honor me and he broke that vow too. So maybe there is hope. She wants to come down to see me. She lives 7 hours away though, and when I asked her where she'd stay, she said our parents' house. I'm just not sure about it. I told her if she comes, I will meet up with her, and only her, not at my parents' house. And if she gives me any of that shit about working it out, it ends. She told me she'd never do that and I could tell she was hurt that I'd suggest such a thing. But I just have this fear that my parents will influence her somehow.
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Post by journey on Aug 6, 2018 0:40:17 GMT
Karen...OMG. My mom just called me and said my sister told her she was coming into town. And then she starts crying and going off about how this is all her and my dad's fault. Why? Because they brought up 5 kids in an abusive marriage while teaching us to see it as normal? Because they didn't show me any real affection and so I went looking for any man who would give me that? Because they silenced me, shamed me when I asked questions, and made it clear that my thoughts and opinions didn't matter?
No. She said it was because they spoiled me. They didn't discipline me enough. I was the youngest and they were tired. So they weren't as strict with me as they were with my siblings. They were spanked (whipped) with my dad's belt or a switch when they stepped out of line. My mom used to brag how her kids could sit quietly through a church service from the age of 2. I wonder why that was. But me, I was pushed aside, sent to my room for hours at a time, and when they hit me it was "only" with a little paddle. She said they didn't do right by me. Because if they had I wouldn't have ever left the church and I wouldn't have ever married my husband. I would have married a good, Godly man who would never cheat or beat his wife -- because only non-religious husbands can be abusive -- OMG. I hung up on her. I can't deal with this.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Aug 7, 2018 0:55:30 GMT
Hey Journey,,wow..your parents are just so sad. I am so so so sure this is really not what you need from them right now! Wow..they spoiled you??? They abused you in some ways from what you said!
My thought for now is stay away from your parents..phone calls, e-mails, visiting. Whatever form of contact..stay away if you feel comfortable doing that. I had to distance myself from my parents when I finally figured out what was going on. I was like you in that I truly believed there was good in everyone and I believed throughout most of my adult life, that my parents knew all, were right all the time, and I had to live my life like them or I would somehow be condemned to a life of terrible things. I have sought my parent's approval for over 50 years. I finally stopped about a few years ago. It is a really hard habit to break.
My parents have been as supportive as they can be given that they don't understand abuse. They agree that a man hitting his wife is wrong, but they don't quite understand the emotional , financial, spiritual abuse is very real and very not ok. As long as he was "there" for my kids and me, they believed he was great. My Mom just can't believe that she was so wrong about him. I think they are bothered more about how they "missed" all the signs and didn't see the abuse, than they are about how he hurt me.They still struggle with the fact that I got divorced. Of their 3 kids, I was the one who was to become a minister, I was to have the perfect life, Divorce was NOT and I mean NOT an option. I didn't become a minister, but I went to church and in some ways they would brag to their friends that they had a very "godly " daughter. They didn't have nearly as much input into that as they want to take credit for. I have forgiven them for a lot. They are fairly elderly at this point, (85 and 80), so the amount of damage they can do to me at this point is significantly less than it was. Our parents are not ideal, I have accepted that my parents didn't give me what I needed or wanted from them emotionally. I was taught to believe that what my parents gave me was what I needed. I also believed that if I didn't want what they wanted to give me..then I was wrong. It didn't matter what I needed, I was supposed to be grateful for all they did. It didn't matter what I wanted..I was supposed to want what they wanted and accept that what they did for me or gave to me WAS THE ONLY THING I NEEDED, after all, they knew best and I was supposed to know that. I know differently now.
Not sure what to say about your sister. I can see that she doesn't want to get in the middle. This is an area that she probably doesn't know how to deal with and hopefully, if she helps you in any way..I would just say.."Please just listen and don't judge me". A lot of what your parents and mine do is based on their ignorance of what abuse is. They really don't get it and never will. And I can say from experience..when I was in the middle of all the crap that was going on in my life..it was not the time to try and teach them. I have very slowly started to educate them, but my Mother cannot handle the truth, she really can't. And my Dad, he blames himself but there really isn't anything he can do at this point going forward. He as so abusive towards me a few years ago when we went on a trip together. He was horrible to me and I think he realizes now just how wrong he was. So, I have learned to accept their flaws and go forward. The one thing I have decided to do and I think I was successful at was be a better mother to my children. Their Father..I didn't choose well.
For the restraining orders..yes, they would have to get their own. BUT having your friend call the police..that was a really good move. It begins to build a case against your husband should he continue to bother you and those around you. If you can reach out to your friend..I would suggest to him to ignore phone calls and any other form of contact. I would also advise him to call the police for ANYTHING he suspects that is off. ABUSERS will go after anyone they can to get to you/me. I would advise your friend to be on his guard. Your husband is predictably predictable..meaning he may, can, and could do anything to hurt someone or something that you care about and blame you for making him do it.
As for pure evil in this world..I believe it exists. I believe Narcissists/ABUSERS..they have evil in them..a majority do not believe in God, they don't have any idea how to be decent. I never believed there was evil in people until I started to paint a picture of all my ex relationships. 3 guys all with varying degrees of abusive personality traits. None of them truly believed in God, they said they did, but they really didn't live a Christian life. You can't be a Christian in my book and call your wife /girlfriend (whom you claim to love) a f^&*ing b*&^%.
It is incredibly hard to believe. All of this feels surreal right now. Someday, it will not. It takes time to heal, to process everything and work it all through.
Also, if you leave the shelter, please watch your back. He can follow you, trap you and hurt you. It has happened way too many times to people on this forum. Just be smart and don't underestimate him. If you think he wouldn't do something..tell yourself at this point, he would do anything and everything to get you back.
Hope today was a better day Journey!
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