Hi, all, I’m completely new here. I’m a man, married now, living in two cities each week. For many many years I have been plagued by an horrific self doubt that had brought me very close to people, loving them dearly, confiding in them then pushing them away. The pushing away is partly guilt because I’m so hideous to them at times, I believe, often, in a fever of racing heart, hormones and complete detachment from my typical self the loved ones want to be with other people, think people are better than me, and only be around me bc räthey feel obliged to do so. It’s ruining me inside and out, I look and feel 10 years older. The 2nd part is that I don’t want these feelings anymore - they are associated with certain persons, so I want to push them out of my life bc the pain and suffering is too much - but I love them!! But they haven’t done anything to me! It’s all me and my self doubt and my self worth!! Can anyone relate??
I want to add that I’m completely stuck in the cycle of negative thoughts, tried many strategies but I can’t get out for more than half an hour or so, enjoy brief spells of positivity and then back into oblivion. My best friend, a younger female, is struggling with me, our friendship right on the edge, feel so bad about that, it enough time to turn it around, repair my integrity and regain her trust and confidence.......
HI Slainer, welcome here. I am not sure how to help you, except to say that I would urge you to consider going to counselling. There are many types of techniques I guess you could say, that may help you to re-train your brain and how it sees things and then internalizes it. Negative thoughts can take us over and create some very dysfunctional patterns of behaviors.
It sounds like you are stuck in a certain kind of behavior "cycle" almost. Counselling can really help. It can help you to find ways to break that cycle of thinking the negative and then acting on it. Self help books can also help, but I would really suggest a therapist to start. Some people are not fans of counselling, but if you truly want to change your thinking and how you care for people and thus your behaviors, you may need a professional to walk that journey with you. You can "shop" for a therapist who you connect well with. I have been to a few in my lifetime for a variety of things I wanted to change and I only really connected with 2 out of 4 or 5 I went to.
I am sorry if that isn't helpful, but I know for me, the only way I could change my behaviors was to change my thinking and the only way I could do that is to work with a professional who helped me.