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Post by fudge123 on Feb 13, 2019 12:24:39 GMT
I’m reaching out to anyone who uses the forum because you will understand what I have been through and how I feel in a way most people can’t.
dv for me started when I was a child really, I was 16. I didn’t understand what was happening to me my parents would argue and they were both drunks but there wasn’t any violence. So when I was hit or things happened to me I didn’t understand so I would go to my mother, sisters or anyone I knew on the street. I would just blab and blab.
The truth is people became sick of me just really really sick of me. They got sick of hearing the latest thing he did to me. I think after he tried to kill me and I still went back my sister had enough of me. I suppose she was sick of the drama. It’s a little more complicated than that but ultimately that’s what I think. She stopped talking to me over 15 ish years ago. I’ve tried to reach out to her on a couple of occasions but she won’t acknowledge me. I sent her a text and I said I was sorry for what I’d done to upset her, though I didn’t know what I’d done. I told her I missed her and she was my sister and I loved her. She didn’t reply. I don’t know the reason she dosnt talk to me I just have to guess. I don’t know if she has told my mother but when I’ve asked my mother she says she dosnt know why. My second sister did the same thing. We hadn’t talked for many years. We started to but a couple of months went by and I text her one day and asked if she was in for a visit. She didn’t return the text, she didn’t return any of the texts I sent. I asked her what was the matter what had I done but she never replied. i fell out with my mother I felt she wasn’t supportive of me and she was with my sister and my daughter who I mention later in this very long post. She is a very difficult women. In the past if I went to her house to escape the abuse she was just as abusive. I had to lend her money or do what she wanted or she was so nasty i has no choice. I lived in her house and that’s how it was. If I cleaned up she claimed I was saying she was dirty, if I didn’t she would say look she is dirty and lazy she puts on an act. Just abuse from her.
After we had argued one time my dad told me her sisters and brothers my aunts and uncles had disowned me. Despite this stupidly decided I would go to my nephews new child christening, my little girl wanted to go. We were waiting outside. There was a large crowd of family from both sides and my nephews and partners friends. My favourite aunt marched up to me and started saying oh I hear your not talking to me, I hear you have disowned us. I said I’ve been told it’s you who have disowned me, your not talking to me. She started calling me a lair, that I was a bullshiter. She kept saying it repeatedly. She wasn’t discreet everyone heard her we were all stood together in a crowd. I tried to stay calm but inside I felt terrible and I felt humiliated. I said I was not a lair and someone had told me they weren’t talking to me. My dad heard everything but he didn’t intervene and tell them he was the one who told me. He didn’t stop the aunt from humiliating me. I didn’t know what to do with myself and eventually I snapped back and told her it wasn’t the time or the place for her to start on me but she couldn’t help her self my uncle shouted at me but I shouted back that they had come to me and that they had started on me. My little girl was in the middle of this so I scooped her up and left. A few years later I met their son and he said I can’t believe you havnt tried to patch it up with the folks. He said he was seeing them the next day and he’d ask if I could come and see them and speak to them about what had happened. I’d told him that my dad had told me they weren’t speaking to me etc. I got a text the next day and he said it didn’t matter if I’d been lied to I’d chosen my dad over them a man who has never held down a proper job been a decent dad and they didn’t see him as a valued and good person. I wasn’t welcome to see them, they didn’t want anything more to do with me. By not speaking up that day by dropping my dad in it I’d chosen him above them. They didn’t want anything to do with me and further my cousin said had he been there that day and I shouted at his mum he would have hit me. in 2015 I needed to have my hip replaced. I messaged my cousin through Facebook and asked if he would help out by giving me a lift. I received a message back saying he wouldn’t do anything for me and further what right did I have to ask. He was very cruel in the message and asked me who would come to my funeral. Implying well pointing out I have no one. If you ask him now about it he will claim I got angry when he refused to help and I was nasty because he declined. I don’t have access to the Facebook account any more I stopped using it after the massive fight with my eldest daughter I write about in another paragraph. I did not get angry with my cousin for refusing nor did I get nasty I was hurt not defensive. It’s true I don’t remember what I wrote in the email but I know this that cousin scares me, from the relationships he has had I suspect he is an abuser. From the conversations we have had he is also a lair. He reminds me very much if my ex. If someone refused to help why would I have a go at them you can’t make anyone help if they don’t want to. I do remember I was visiting a friend that day and I was late because I was so hurt and upset that he’d asked me who was going to go to my funeral. I remember it took along time to calm down from crying so much. I talked to her about it and she said forget him but that’s a wound like no other and not easily forgot. One day my dad and I went shopping. I have health problems and I need help to go shopping. I didn’t want the mother to come with me and my dad. She is rude to poeple, she will say things like ‘I don’t know why I tell myself I can’t have something I have plenty of money in the bank’. She would be snappy and rude to my dad and it was difficult to hear her talk to him that way, she would be impatient with me, impatient and rude to everyone else. She would make me feel anxious and she is very depressive so it so feel like she is sucking out any good energy you felt. I don’t know how she found out my dad and I had gone shopping without her but she did. Not 5 minutes passed when we took the shopping to my house when she started texting my dad she was very abusive she said I know you have gone shopping with Tammy she accused him of taking the piss out of her. They don’t live together but do have a lot to do with each other like holidays and Christmas together. Just texting him nasty things. I didn’t get involved with the texts, I didn’t text her and she didn’t text me. We had arranged days previous that she would call me the next day, she didn’t phone me and she hasn’t phoned me since. I did text her some weeks later and said I thought it was terrible the things she had text my dad because we had gone shopping without her, but like my sisters she didn’t respond and she hasn’t to this day over a year later.
My eldest daughter played me and her dad of against each other. Despite her knowing I would be punished if she complained about me she would anyways. I once asked her to clean up after herself and she screamed out leave me alone. Of course my ex came charging in demanding to know what I’d done to her. Eventually she went to live with my mum. One day she came to visit and she told me my mum had abused her. I said you can’t live with her doing that to you maybe you better come home. I challenged her about playing me and her dad if against each other and she promised me she wouldn’t. We had that conversation twice and twice she promised not to do that to me. I set her up in the conservatory because her dad said she could have her boyfriend stay, against my wishes. There was an incident over a meal I made, she did it consciously and deliberately knowing it would cause her dad to have a go at me which he did in front of her, my other two daughters and her boyfriend. She found out this boyfriend was cheating on her so I said that’s it he couldn’t stay at the house any more. He’d been allowed to stay when he came to town for uni for free. He was told he didn’t have to contribute anything to the household. It was against my wishes but I had no say. It was causing problems with her being in the conservatory. I had a little girl who was 5 years old at ten time. I moved all her stuff into a double bedroom with her sister. When she came home and saw what I’d done she shouted at me and went back outside and sat in the car. I happened to see her dad leaning down into the car whilst he talked to her through the window. I could see straight away he was holding his shoulders that I was in danger. He came in and saw what I’d done. He was shouting at me, I’d locked the garage door which leads into the conservatory so he kicked the door down. Because he’d hit me with a machete in the past I became anxious so I though I’d better leave. Whilst I was in my bedroom trying to put some clothes on he started threatening me telling me he’d kill me he started coming at me my middle daughter held him back which allowed me to escape. I had to stay away for a few days. My middle daughter got me and my little girl the things we needed because I was to afraid to go back. A week or so later she was still in the conservatory. It was awful if I used my washing machine she would tell her dad I was doing it deliberately so she couldn’t use it, he would take my little girls clean washing from the machine and dump it on top of a dirty cupboard (machine was in the garage) one evening my middle daughter came to my bedroom and asked me if I knew the boyfriend was downstairs and was staying. I said he wasn’t staying so my ex barred the bedroom and wouldn’t let me leave. I said I’d phone the police so he let me out. I told the boyfriend that I was surprised he was here because there were family problems, I told him and my daughter that he couldn’t stay because it was inappropriate. So they did leave.
Here is where I say during times of heightened problems when I didn’t know what could happen next I would just feel like I didn’t care. He hads phoned the police on several occasions and claimed I was abusing him. No such thing was ever happening but the police would make me leave. He was smart enough to have the house in his name only. I just had feelings of well be could attack me, he could have me arrested, he could do anything but I’ve had it and I don’t care what he does to me I won’t back down. So when he said the boyfriend could still stay I stuck to no he can’t. They left. two weeks passed and we went to a family birthday party. This boyfriend turned up. My middle daughter said im leaving I’ve bought steel cap doc martens by mistake and it kicks of I would really hurt someone. I should have left as well. Later in the evening I walked passed him and we met eye to eye. He asked me what the f I was looking at and I should just jog on. I lost my temper and asked him again what he had said. I saw red but I didn’t attack him I provoked him and spat at him. I walked away, my niece by marriage said to me I can’t believe what he said to you and I relied but I’ve spat at him so this is my fault, she said your family and I saw what he did I will speak up for you. I went to the dance floor but my daughter came screaming after me and threw a glass at me which missed. Another niece took my hand and led me outside. The niece from earlier also came. We were talking about what happened when the boyfriend appeared in the door, he started to attack me but the niece fought him of, my daughter came fro the opposite direction and she attacked me. I phoned my middle daughter and I left. I know now my ex told my daughter to press charges against me. He went to all the family and sold them his story, I was ostracised from then on. The niece said she got to drunk and couldn’t remember what happened. My daughter and I havnt spoken since that day. She ultimately moved back in with my mum because family would allow her to stay with them but not her boyfriend. My mother allowed him it so that’s where she went. my middle daughter and I went to Cuba alone with the little one. It was fraught and she could be spiteful to the little one. When we came back I confided in her dad. I think he changed what I’d said or at least made out to her I’d said really horrible things I don’t know she stopped talking to me. She wouldn’t return my calls or texts.
i know this is along message but I’ve done a terrible thing to myself. We agreed in 2015 we would divorce. I knew or felt like I was dying inside. On the way back from a trip I rebooked it for his birthday which is a week after mine. I asked him if that’s what he wanted and he said yes. On my birthday I got one card from my little girl. He told me he wasn’t doing birthdays any more. So even though I’d bought his gift in advance I wasn’t having one. Later I went in the garage and tried to tie a noose. I obviously didn’t but I knew I had to end the marriage. He asked me not to he promised he would change. I washed to believe him so I agreed. In October 2015 I had the hip replacement. The day after I came home I got up to find he’d gone out. I couldn’t get a drink. I had to wait hours for him to come back. He went to look for a car for his brother who lives in Africa who wasn’t in the country then or the very near future. On the Saturday 4 days later he said he was going out for a couple of hours. My girl stayed with me 2 hours isn’t long. He didn’t come back. We ate crisps and drank pop because I couldn’t get us anything. If I didn’t text him downstairs for a drink I woukdnt get one. He wouldn’t offer or come up and ask if I needed something. PI’m trying to get to the point I know this is going on, at 8.30 the next morning he asked if I wanted dinner I never eat at that time so I said no. At 1pm I found him eating dinner. I wasn’t asked if I wanted any. I believe he was using my incapacity to abuse me. No one would come to the house if he was there I had no other help. I phoned the police and insisted on them pressing charges. During the interview they asked if I’d ever been sexually....can’t remember how it was put. After reading Lindsay why do they do that I’d come to realise I was being sexually abused so when the police asked it blurted out. He wa arrested and removed. No o
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Post by fudge123 on Feb 13, 2019 12:58:52 GMT
Noone ever came and helped me and my little girl. I couldn’t bend over. I landed me and my little girl in a really bad mess, if my dad brought me some shopping he put it on th floor and left. Your not allowed to bend over or you could pull your joint back out. Social services would make me a meal but refused to do my little girl because they weren’t insured. He took me to court for custody. It was hell. I’m now 25k in debt. He should be having half the holiday period with my girl next week but he’s had a week of to do his new house up so he won’t have her. He’s made sure he has reduction from csa for the time he has her though,
These years ago when he didn’t buy me a birthday gift when the following week for his birthday our daughters bought him cards and presents. He put all his cards and presents on the emantke piece and le left all the wrapping and envelopes on the floor. He disappeared so I found him in bed, I started having a go at him. I feel he is partly responsible for the relationship breakdown between me and my kids, he left the wrapping and rubbish for me to clean to rub my face in it. He tapped me when I was shouting at him. Recently I shouted at him and he has tapped me.
He and my middle daughter were doing some work in his new house and somehow they ended up talking about me. In a nasty text he’s told me I’m bipolar and our daughter agrees. I phoned her and said your dad says I’m bipolar and you think I am to. Do you? She said she thinks I am. Now he denies saying it to her. She hasn’t spoke to me since. She dosnt return texts or phone calls. He says I am sick of you talking about it I didn’t say you were bipolar I think you have a personality disorder.
I ha e no one and I mean no one to talk to. Last June I don’t know why perhaps I was lonely I don’t know but I allowed nay invited my ex husband back into my life. I fell running away from him years ago and wrecked my back, I’ve ended up having a full hip replacement which has made my life allot lot worse, I’ve developed fibromyalgia, a cyst in my knee. My pysivak health is ruined. Now I don’t know what to think I have symptoms of bipolar and personality disorder. I am so depressed I know that to be true. I have made a real real real mess of my life. I know my family is dysfunctional but even I know if I am the only one they can’t get along with and other family can’t get alone with then there is something wrong with me. I stopped seeing the few friends I had because I was afraid of what they would say when they found out I was seeing my ex. Bipolar people are afraid of abandonment. I forgot to say I saw my sister killed in a car accident when I was 8 and she was 3. My parents let me go to a neighbours my sisters went together to a relative. I know things have happened to me that would effect any sane person but now I am in a state. I think I used to blab so much about what was happening to me because I just didn’t understand why he was doing things to me. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong. I used to be worried about speaking incase the tone of my voice was wrong and I was causing problems. I’m really afraid. I have been addicted to my pain medication for many many many years and now it’s out of control. I think I’ve trued to bury my feeelings. About two weeks after he tried to kill me I had him back and that’s been the pattern of my life. He would do something I would leave a few weeks later I’d go back. Two years we split up for. He dragged me through hell real hell but I made contact with him. He snaps at me if he is tired or stressed and I snap back. I shout as I said he taped me the last time I snapped back and shouted. He says he’s deleted it but I don’t believe him. The only reason he didn’t use the last one was because I suspected him and wrecked his sym with spray oil.
He says my kids hate me because I dragged them out of their house all the time. I’m still sane enough to know it was because I went back. My daughter is moving in to his new house with him. She laughed when she said he had allowe it because he can say look my daughter prefers me over her mum. My daughter knows he plays her yet she joined in with the conversation about my mental health she said with love mum you have bipolar. Why didn’t she come to me in person but she shared that with him. I don’t know what I’m going to do I feel like I’m being pushed into madness. I can see myself in a padded room.
I have literally just had a letter from benefits telling me I have to go into the group to find work. I have not stopped crying for 2 weeks every day I’ve cried.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Feb 15, 2019 3:52:54 GMT
Hi Fudge, welcome here. Wow, how awful things have been for you! I am so sorry you are going through all this.
My question I have for you is what do you want to do? What do you really want?
I believe these people in your life are a HUGE part of the problems you are having. You have a lot of drama and it is very detrimental to you and your health.
I know this is horrible for you, but you are in MADNESS because of all the dysfunctional people in your life. ALL of them are hurtful to you in some way. Here is the thing with these really not so good people, THEY WON"T CHANGE. You cannot change them. At this point, the only thing you can do is TAKE CARE OF YOU.
I know leaving is hard, you have done it several times and you keep going back. It sounds like there are people in your life who see your partner for what he really is and there are people who see him for what they want him to be. Either group is harming you at this point and it sounds like they are all full of a lot of anger.
I hear myself thinking..WALK AWAY. Take your daughter (the youngest) and go to a shelter where you can get the help and support you need to take care of you and her. Everyone around you is making your life miserable, none of them are good for you right now. You have a new hip joint which needs care and attention, you have a little girl who needs you, and you have health issues that need attention.
I can tell how tough things are in you life. Again Fudge, you cannot change any of these people, you can't control what they think or feel or do or say. What you can do is CONTROL you. How do you want to handle all this "noise" in your life? What do you want? Peace, quiet, calm, love, joy, safety? If there is a yes to these things, then leave for good. Call the Domestic Violence hotline and leave. Get support, find a shelter for you and your daughter and leave. AND STAY GONE. You have to focus on YOU!
Fudge, you cannot, I repeat, you cannot change these people. THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CHANGE is you and I don't say that because there is something wrong with you that needs changing. There isn't. BUT, you can either stay and put up with all this junk that is happening to you, or you can leave and start to rebuild your life.
Your husband is abusive, he could very well kill you the next time. Do you want there to be a next time? Because, I don't mean to be harsh, but there will be a next time, it isn't "If" it happens but "WHEN". AND I promise you, it will happen.
Please remember this, you didn't cause all these people to be horrible to you. You also have done nothing to deserve how they are treating you. EVERYONE of them has control only over what THEY say or THEY do. They can't control you unless you let them.
BUT, you need to take care of you and you cannot do that around all these people who are so detrimental to you.
Fudge, I urge you to call a Domestic Violence Hotline to seek help that is available to you in your country. You don't have to tell anyone of what you are doing. Begin to think about a plan to leave and I mean stay gone. You possibly need therapy as well for you. There are many scars in your head and heart from all the abuse you have suffered over the years. It isn't going to go away over night, but it can get better if you decide to walk away and choose your own happiness and well being.
You are a good and kind person Fudge, you are brave and smart. Don't let anyone else tell you differently. You don't have to stay in your marriage. And if you decide to stay, we are here either way. Thinking of you Fudge, hope things get better for you!
Karen
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Post by fudge123 on Feb 15, 2019 20:17:12 GMT
Karen I appreciate your reply. I havnt re read my post. I know it was frantic and manic even. We don’t live together Karen we divorced 2 nearly 3 years ago. Last year I allowed him back into my life. I have myself to blame for that. I’d shut myself down and looking back I shut my feelings of to cope with the loneliness, fear and just the sense of feeling lost, not knowing who I was. Within a matter of months we were back to playing games. I had just bought a flat and had no support or help. The hip op has left me worse of then before, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and the arthritis. I’d asked for help but my dad has decided he wants to do what makes him happy. After being an alcoholic for many many years he decided the rest of his life is for him. He is not any good at hiding the fact he doesn’t want to do things for me or anyone else unless it suits him. There is no doubt there is something wrong with me. I have been through hell and back and I voluntarily allowed him back into my life. Ive given away my self respect, my personal power, my dignity. People only do what they are allowed to. People only effect you if you let them. I’m in a lot of physical pain and I have no support. Even today after my dad made a phone call for me he couldn’t wait to get out the door because it’s been a pleasant day and he wanted to go out on his motorcycle. He knew he could see I was in a state but he didn’t care. I agree they won’t change but I need help and have no option but to turn to people who hurt me. I’m so torn and I know I’m selling myself. I’ve looked for babysitters online to perhaps go to development group once a week. No are in the village I have moved to. I paid to see a counsellor but my money has been reduced now I can’t afford it. I found a Pilates class in the day but I’ve been in a state and couldn’t go. I have had to register with a new doctor but they won’t see me for a while until I’m on their system. The old one refused and told me to go to an out of hours one which I can’t face in public and can’t really help right now anyway. I’m rambling I know. My dad told me to phone the Samaritans so I had someone to talk to how sad is that Thanks karen
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Feb 18, 2019 0:30:10 GMT
Hey fudge, there really isn't anything wrong with you. You have been a victim of domestic violence and abuse and that has taken a very very detrimental toll on you. Giving away your power, "selling yourself", your self respect, these are all "fallout" of having gone through the trauma you have experienced. You didn't cause this, you didn't do anything to deserve a father who doesn't have a clue what it means to love a child and you certainly didn't deserve a jerk partner who also has no clue about what it means to respect someone and love them. You are not only a victim, but you are a survivor, and you can change your life.
When we let the abuser back in, we feel guilty and shameful and we tend to beat ourselves up for making a bad decision. BUT, everyday is a new opportunity to walk away. You don't have to let him in your life. AND, it is really hard to not feel lonely, we all go through this too. The hardest part of healing is learning to like ourselves and to rely on ourselves for being happy. I am sure you felt lost, it makes perfect sense.
Are the Samaritans something that is real or was your Dad being a jerk? If they are real, then I say call them. Reach out for support and help from whatever good resources are available to you. Is there a Women's Aide society or a Domestic Violence Center? You can call the national hotline for your country and talk to someone for support. The support is there. Sometimes, we have to dig way down deep and get up the courage and just make the phone call. The resources are there, and it is really OK to use them. To rely on that instead of these people who do nothing but hurt you.
There are support groups out there too, you can even find them online like you have done here. Ones for chronic pain, for domestic violence. I know you feel torn, but you can do this. You have it inside of you to get stronger and feel better about you.
The other option is to tell these jerks in your life to leave you alone, that if they can't be helpful, at least be respectful. This is hard. It is very hard to stand up for yourself and demand that people treat you with respect. You have to respect yourself. AND the only way to do this is to surround yourself with people who are kind and considerate. They exist, they really do. How about a support group for parents or grandparents raising kids? Perhaps Google it and see what resources there are in your area.
Fudge, you don't have to live a miserable life. It can be better. You have a place to live, you have a job? or some kind of income? You have a car? You have a child you can love and help to become a decent adult some day. You have a lot. You are smarter than you think, braver then you seem, and stronger than you feel. You can have a different life.
Once you begin to start believing that things can be different? They will. Perhaps read the articles on this forum. Begin to believe it when someone tells you that you are a good person. We can believe the good just as much as we believe the bad. I know it is hard to change our mindset, but it isn't impossible.
Hug yourself fudge, I am sending you a hug as well!
Take one day at a time, set a goal and accomplish one thing. And then tomorrow, do 2 things. Like call a hotline, go on Google and search resources in your village or nearby.
I believe in you fudge. You can feel better. I am rooting for you!
Karen
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Post by fudge123 on Mar 4, 2019 13:29:57 GMT
Hi Karen,
Thanks so much for your reply. I didn’t think anyone was reading my post, I haven’t re read it myself I know I sounded like a nut case. No my dad meant it, for me to phone the Samaritans. He’s not available in a way, he doesn’t want to be, his attitude in life is this is his time and he wants to do what ever he chooses and when. He doesn’t w at to make the time for me. I’ve tried to make changes, I signed up for an open day at the local university, I went to a couple of N.A. meetings last week. I asked my dad to watch my daughter and he agreed to come to my place, he wanted me to take her to his even though I would be late 10pm, I said it was to late to keep her out when she had school the next day, this week I don’t have anyone to have her and I don’t want to take her. I don’t have any more pills. This means I will withdraw. I asked her dad if he would watch her today whilst I went to the local drug place, she is of school with a cold, she’s still running a fever, I suggested she went and live with him for a bit, I said it was so I could get help with my hip, he knows I’m in tremendous pain so I used that and didn’t admit it was for pain medication. It was so I could withdraw this week. He threatened to report me to cafcass which is court appointed social services. They only work with courts but the threat was there. I imagine he will realise soon enough it’s social services he should report me to. He either blackmails me or bully’s me, he uses our daughter to make me do what he wants, I need help so I can stop the addiction, now I don’t have any it forces my hand, it’s going to be very hard and very painful. For one reason or another my addiction to my ex has driven anyone and everyone away. Now I really need help and support it’s gone. I battie with suicidal thoughts as I don’t believe I’ll bee be truly free. Two weeks ago I agreed she could go to his family’s wedding. But he played games. He needed to buy her an outfit I didn’t have spare money to do it myself. He refused, eventually her older sisters bought it but then he wouldn’t tell me what time she was going to be picked up for and what time she was going to be dropped of. He Silas he was sick of me making a drama out of it and blanched my number. I only asked what the times were. He had her bike lock and wouldn’t give it to her. He knows I’m very short of money and have a 500 utility bill. He finds ways of making my life difficult or making me spend money I can’t afford. I don’t know how to protect myself from him sad it’s driving me insane. It depresses me and I’m afraid of what he will do.
Thanks again Karen
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