Will it ever go away?

Hey Marina! So glad to hear from you and so sorry you are feeling so bad.
I am not sure what to suggest you do, but I can say what I think is going on. When we leave the abusers, there is a grieving period. We have experienced a great loss and sometimes it is incredibly overwhelming. There are days as you speak of where we just cannot get them out of our head. We crave them, we want to know what is going on with them, do they miss us? Do they still love us? Are they thinking of us? It is so hard some days.

I don't now how to tell you to try and forget, because we really don't forget. We have them in our heart and soul and to get them out, well some days it just feels like the pain of the loss will never go away. It is a real loss. They were our everything, we devoted our life to them, to loving them, to making sure we did everything we could to make them happy. It took all of our energy and literally sucked the life out of us. There are days when we believed that if we loved them so so so much, everything would be better and they would return that love.

Those thoughts and habits that you may have developed over the time you were with him, it didn't just happen overnight. It took a lot of days and a lot of time to develop those thoughts. You believed this man was the only man you were to love. The loss we feel is devastating.

I can only tell you, it takes time to get past it. The only thing that worked for me is to find something else to occupy my thoughts. I did everything you did, yoga, meditation, re-read my posts, re-read my journals..all the documentation of the horrible things they did to me (all of my exes). I remind myself every day of how good my life is without them.

I found new friends, I found new hobbies, I learned to like me and take care of me and  everyday I tell myself that they really didn't love me. They only wanted to use me and I deserve better. Are they out of my thoughts? No, one of them is in my head everyday. But for me,One other thing that helps me, is I have a faith in God, it gets me through a lot. I believe that happiness is not in these men. It is not in those memories. It is in ME.

I also learned to not fight my feelings. The more I tried to resist feeling them, the more I felt them. Our feelings come and we may have to make a purposeful effort to let them go. There are days the memories are stronger than others. Some days I am really happy and satisfied with my life. Some days I am lonely and miss them. BUT..I don't act on any of it.

What will work for you is only what you decide. One thing I sense, is you are focusing on him more and more. AND it really takes a PURPOSEFUL effort to let him go. It is like giving up cigarettes or alcohol, we can be addicted to those things and it is the same addiction type feelings we feel towards our exes.

Nothing is wrong with you Marina. You are grieving. You are still "addicted" in a way and it takes time. I am almost 5 years out and I still have difficult moments, but they are slowly fading. I will never forget. I do try really hard to not focus on them. I realize what the feelings are when they come, I give myself a moment to feel sad, mad, happy, relieved, or just whatever comes up. BUT then I make a conscious effort to let it go and go on with my life.

You have tried a lot. Perhaps keep posting here. Keep talking about how you are feeling. Keep sharing it with us and we can support you. That helped me. If I was having a bad day, I talked about it. I got it out of my system by writing it, or talking about it. Maybe try therapy again. BUT also, don't beat yourself up. Don't try so hard to forget.

I know this is hard. It is the hardest thing we do as survivors, Figuring out a way to live without them. Letting them go. Also hard. We have to find a new way to live, a new way to live without them, and it is hard.

Marina, it will be ok. Let us know how you are doing. We are here, you are not alone. This isn't easy by any means. Don't give up on those things you tried, perhaps give them more time? Make those your habits?

We are here! Sending you a hug hoping it will help!
Karen

Hi Marina, we do get triggered and that could very well be what is happening. I still get triggered and it can just pop up out of no where.

And please don't miss understand me, you are doing so much to love yourself and take care of you, that is very obvious. I didn't want to imply that you were not putting forth effort,because you are. You are a strong, brave, courageous, smart woman who has been through hell and back and survived to tell about it. For me, that effort is ON PURPOSE..meaning I have to really focus on making those feelings go away. It takes a lot of energy, but once I do that, I am usually successful in putting those feelings to rest for awhile.

And I think you have a good life and you have worked very hard to get to that happiness you deserve, be proud of all you have accomplished! I admire you for all you have done! I can tell you have come a long way in 3 years. I think it is really OK to feel lonely, or miss what you had. And as you said before, it is the "idea" of him. That "facade" they create...it was so wonderful (at times)! We would be lying to ourselves if we said we didn't miss it.

I am sure you feel overwhelmed, you have a lot of change coming up. Those friends and hobbies and your home, all are going to be changing when you move back to your home country. More change, and change..although it can be really good, it creates anxiety and anxiety can trigger all those feelings and emotions we thought we put to rest. It is all good. Also, consider the fact that when we get triggered, our brains revert back to what we know and have felt in the past. Those memories just pop up. It is very understandable and it happens to survivors.

Also, be kind to yourself. It is ok to have a great life. And, I don't sense that you are letting him ruin your life, even though you may feel like it. He can't ruin it. He is history. He is only a memory.  And it is very natural for us to  feel shame sometimes, like we shouldn't feel bad because we have such good lives. It really is OK to have the feelings you have. I have them too and I try to put my energy into not beating myself up. I have a lot to be thankful for and I am forever grateful to all those who helped me succeed in rebuilding my life, and I feel guilty because I don't feel like I am allowed to miss the jerks. But, I know it is OK. I know I really don't miss them, like you, I miss the facade they created. And believe me, I wouldn't trade ANYTHING in my life now for 1 second of being around any of my exes. THEY are not worth it.

All that being said, it is still ok to feel the way we feel. Give yourself permission to feel however you want,and whatever you want. We can't control our feelings as much as we would like to. WHAT we can control is what we do with those feelings. We don't have to act on any of our feelings. 

I am excited for you Marina, you are making a change that will be good for you! It sounds like to me like you are taking care of you and going forward towards that happiness you deserve. Thanks for the hug! I appreciate it!

Karen