What is happening?

Hi Clairbear, welcome here! I am sorry you are in a position that is making you doubt your husband and have to  question  your marriage  over the last 3 years. Making sense of it all..it is very confusing trying to figure out what is happening. Thank you for sharing your post, I know how hard it is to wonder what is going on and not be able to figure it out.

From what you have written, your husband sounds controlling and like "he knows best". He sounds very domineering at times.  I am not sure if he is abusive, but I suspect he is doing things that could be considered a behavior an abuser would possibly do and there may even be things he has done that you have not mentioned. My experience is similar to yours.. I dated a man for 3 years and he sounds a lot like your husband in many ways. I never got hit, but he used to tell me all the time what he thought I should do, one time he told me not to complain about a concern I was having anymore if I wasn't willing to take his advice. He was quick to point it out to me how much better I would feel if I just did what he said.   I ended that relationship 7months ago..I was being triggered by him all the time. My gut told me something wasn't right..I finally listened to it.

I don't think you are overreacting and I wouldn't laugh it off either. It isn't funny. And, I agree with you 100%, not sure if it can be called abuse,  but it definitely doesn't feel right in any way. I wouldn't suggest forgiving and forgetting. My therapist (I see her at my local Domestic Violence Center) tells me that whether he was abusive or not, the relationship was not healthy for me.

A few thoughts about abuse, it can be subtle, very subtle. There is a  point where we know something isn't right and we can't put a finger on just what exactly it is. The behaviors you are seeing and words you are hearing, they can get worse.  it can start off with just a few "suggestions" and subtle thoughts of what is in your best interest. And over time, progress to nasty threats, nasty words, and ultimatums.  Shoving you and showing no remorse..not a good thing. Yes, he didn't "hurt" you, but he could. Also, you doing that to him? Not abuse..there has to be a lot more signs and things occurring. I was married for 20 years..with him, my now ex for 26 years total. I never knew I was being abused until about 2 years before I finally left.  When I finally made the decision to leave, he became a textbook abuser. Things got worse and I believe it was because I changed the "status quo", meaning  I didn't agree with him any longer. My resistance to his thoughts, suggestions, demands, became very obvious and he didn't like it. I had gone along with his suggestions, ideas and  I believed and trusted everything he told me. I wasn't happy though..and I kept trying to tell myself.. "oh, that is just who he is and I love him no matter what". AND, he never hit me or even threatened to hit me. His abuse was all very subtle and all emotional. I never really felt good in my marriage, and I tried very hard to feel good. I never did the right things, I was usually wrong about everything according to him and he thought he always knew what was best for me and our family. I had other ideas in mind and I put up with it because I had been taught at a young age that divorce wasn't an option, I was told  to never quit, never give up and make my marriage work. I made a promise to him and I was determined to make it work. I got very good at "putting a round peg in a square hole".

Abuse is also "cyclical", meaning there is a distinctive pattern to it. I see some of that in what you have posted. I saw it in my last relationship too. There is a pattern of calm, good, happy, loving time, next is a phase were things are starting to escalate..meaning tension is growing between him and I. I remember walking on "eggshells", feeling like I  could step on a land mine any minute and he will go off. Him going off is  then the violence happens..the yelling (getting in your face like he did) and the threats..to kick your ass and truly meaning it, and then the shoving. It sounds like the remorse is setting in for him now and the calm is happening. I suspect he is trying to make amends because he needs that "honeymoon" phase to happen again so he gets on your good side.  The cycle starts all over again. This keeps happening in an abusive relationship and each time, the phases may get shorter in between. The comments he makes may eventually become more hurtful, your confusion increases, the self doubt sets in, and you begin to think you are going crazy because one minute he is acting sweet, loving, and like your well-being matters, and then Dr. Jekyll shows up and you can't figure out where Mr. Hyde went or why he went away. You ask yourself "what did I do? Why did he do that? And, Oh, maybe I just have to love him more and be better and consider doing what he wants, because then he won't verbally/emotionally attack me anymore, I won't set him off" "Because he loves me and I love him and I just have to love him a little better, he really just wants what is best for me right"? 

If he wanted what was best for you..he would let you decide what that is and respect your decision to do what is best for you. He would trust that your opinion and choice for your body is an intelligent, well thought out choice. He would support your decision instead of threatening to "kick your ass" and shake a bottle of pills in your face. Is that love? Nope, not in my book, that is unhealthy crap.  In a healthy relationship there is mutual respect, there's no "My way or the highway" mentality. There's no "I told you so " mentality. AND..he would not demand that you take a medication that makes you sick, feel worse, and not be able to function. He would do all he could to help you feel better, he would support your decision to see the doctor when you are able. 

The bottom line here is "does this feel right to you?" And if it doesn't,(which I can see that it doesn;t) do you want to live differently? I would suggest reading a few books that may help you to figure out what is going on. Lundy Bancroft is an "expert" (in my opinion) of abusive men and the things they do. I read "Why Does He Do That?" and "Should I Stay or Should I Go?", both by Lundy Bancroft. He spent 20 years working with abusive men. When I read these books..I was shocked to see that my husband at the time could have had his picture in the book. I left my husband, went right into the arms of a sociopath/narcissist and learned first hand what "Not subtle" abuse looks like. That guy made my husband look like a saint. The book could have been written for him.

There is a tendency here to want to talk ourselves out of what we believe is happening, but don't want to believe it. We don't want this to be abuse. We tend to doubt ourselves for many reasons. Many of those reasons being "I trust him, I love him..he would never hurt me (yes he would and he has), I am committed to him, maybe he is right, after all he just wants what is best for me, because he loves me". You not doing what he says, bothers him, because in his mind you should listen to him. Because.he believes he is right and he knows what is best for you..because for some reason, he doesn't believe that you can decide for yourself. That you need him to take care of you, you are not capable of taking care of yourself. Also, he is the man, he is right and he knows best (in his head). OR, he is abusive and to him, you should live your life to honor him and the way to honor him is do what he says because he is right. And when you don't do this..it is a blow to his ego. 

 Something to consider..Your friend is someone you trust, someone who truly cares about you and your well being. She is seeing things that are triggering her "gut" and telling her something isn't right. She knows that abuse can and will get worse, and patterns start to emerge that perhaps we don't always see when we are in the middle of it. Take all that into consideration. She has nothing to gain by trying to help you, meaning this isn't about her..it is about you. She is probably reading and learning about abuse as it is very prominent in today's society and she is seeing "red flags" that are concerning to her. Listen to her. She isn't trying to hurt you. She isn't doing this for her personal gain. She has a gut feeling that is telling her something isn't right here. My friend had that same feeling. She told me several times what she was seeing and feeling. She has been my best friend for over 40 years..I didn't listen.  I have learned, and I listen now. I have been in 3 abusive relationships and interestingly none of my partners liked my best friend. That is a huge red flag for me. I dated a guy in high school..my first love. He cared about my best friend, he also cared about my little sister. Those 3 abusers?...none of them liked my sister. My sister rescued me from the sociopath when he discarded me and kicked me out of his house. She took off from work, came and moved me out of his house. My now ex-husband never liked my sister, my last boyfriend..didn't care much for her either. All red flags. They don't like our friends and family..because they take us away from the abusers. Family and friends "influence" our thinking. Anything that causes us to not go along with the abusers' way of thinking..it is viewed as a threat and should be put out of our lives.

Clairbear, listen to your inner voice. Trust your "gut"..it is there for a reason. We have this "inner voice" for a reason. It is there to protect us. Our gut senses danger, it alerts us when something isn't right. Your inner voice is sensing something isn't right. I know you are hearing it. Posting here is one way of you listening to your inner voice.  If you need more support, I would suggest calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline..you can remain anonymous and speak to a counselor. They are very supportive and helping many victims sort out what is going on. Phone number is 1-800-799-7233. It costs nothing to call. You can also go to your local DV center and talk to a counselor. I am very lucky to  have a great center in my city.  Believe me..I never ever believed that I would use this service but it has been a Godsend and has helped me rebuild my life. 

I have written a lot, sorry if this is overwhelming to you. Please post here as often as you need to. This forum saved me..it helped me learn about what was happening in my marriage, in the relationship with the sociopath, and in the last relationship I was in. Everyone here is supportive, non-judgmental and very kind. We have all been in your shoes questioning what is happening and not being able to get rid of that lump in our throats.

If you believe nothing else..please know that you have not caused your husband to act the way he did. You did not deserve to be treated that way. This is not your fault, but blaming ourselves is 100% a natural reaction. You didn't deserve to be shoved, you didn't deserve to have threats made in your face, and you did nothing wrong. His actions are his responsibility. 

I am here and will help you in any way I can. Sending you a hug as you try and figure this out. You are not alone, please know that. 

Karen 

Hey Clairbear..nice to hear from you. I am glad you talked to the hotline, but I too know how upsetting it can be.

Here is something to consider. First..sadly I can tell you honestly..I don't know of anyone who is going to tell you what you want to hear right now. And I have been there too, you want to be told "this is all a nightmare and you will wake up and your husband will not be an abuser. That this is all in your head and you are just over thinking. You have nothing to worry about" . That would be really easy to hear, but even if someone told you that? I don't think you would believe it, because your "gut" instinct is still telling you something isn't right.

This I know..he will keep apologizing and he will keep doing what he is doing and that is telling you what to do. AND..I suspect, if you tell him one too many times, he will go off on you in anger. And, somehow he will blame you for making him "do it" or "making him yell".  If he really really really was sorry? He would change his behavior and make every effort possible to NEVER repeat the behavior. He isn't doing that.

I know you don't want to believe it and I completely understand. You love him, whether you should or not, that is just how you feel. BUT..you are not weak, and you are not wrong. AND..I promise you, whether you stand up to him or not? It isn't going to give you the satisfaction that you want. There never seems to be a good result of us trying to get the to understand us. 

What is really hard to accept, is that there is a  VERY good chance that HE WILL do and say things that will confirm how you are thinking. AND I am really sorry that this is happening to you. And it is ok to not be ready to let go, you may never be ready or in a year, you may most certainly be ready. That is hard to predict. But, what you are feeling now is ok. You don't have to make any changes right now. You will feel when it is right to do something different.

I know you have a ton of thoughts going on in your head. Please...do not give up your friend or your family..no matter what your husband says! He is going to TRY his HARDEST to get you to do what he wants. It is control..and that means getting you to focus ONLY on him and what HE thinks is right. TRUST your friend..remember, she is not trying to hurt you. She is genuine in how she cares for you.

ALso, your husband saying he is sorry, he is an idiot and he doesn't mean it? Count how many times he says this and goes right back to doing the same behaviors. Abusive people want one thing...FOR YOU TO BE 100% focused on THEM! And they will say and do ANYTHING they have to to make sure you do not stray away from meeting their needs. He may just be saying those things because he knows it will cause you to forgive him and he will be back in that "honeymoon phase" of the cycle.

Clair..I know you feel conflicted right now. Please read "Why Does He Do That? when you can. It will explain what is happening in your marriage way better than I can.

I know you don't want to believe it. Believe me, when I realized what was happening in my marriage..it was like someone punched me in the stomach and I never saw it coming. It was horrible. BUT..all I can tell you is you do not have to be unhappy and conflicted if you don't want to be.

It is very easy to be blind to it. I was oblivious, I was naive, I didn't want to see it, I certainly didn't want to believe it and even 5 years later, I still struggle sometimes to believe I was a victim of DV. For me, it was  4 different relationships..over 30 years of my life. I never thought I was good enough. And all 4 guys took great pleasure in their own way of helping me to believe that I was not good enough. All 4 of them followed the same pattern and it is creepy amazing to me the things they all have in common. ALL RED FLAGS.

I am here, I will be here to support you. Trust your gut, trust your friend, and I know you don't know me at all, but you can trust me. And I completely get how you are struggling right now and I know you don't want to hear it, but trust the hotline. They have nothing to gain by leading you away from your husband. None of us do. I have nothing to gain here, I only want to support you. I won't lie to you and I am only sharing what I know to be true. The hotline is there to help, to help you make sense of something that your heart and brain just can't fathom to be true. They want to protect you and help you to be safe and live the best you can. But, only you can decide what is best for you.

No one wants to see you be stressed, yelled at, hurt emotionally or physically, and conflicted. BUT..many of us know what these people do and why and how. AND..one thing I will promise you..you will never be able to love your husband enough for him to change how he treats you. NEVER. And, I know how incredibly hard those words are to hear. You are not responsible for how he acts or what he says or what he does.

Take a deep breath, find something to focus on that can give you some peace. If you need to, perhaps take a few days and go and stay with your friend, take a step back and regroup. If your husband has a problem with you taking time for you..especially with your friend? That is saying a lot. It says this is all about CONTROL and not about what you need. We all need time to ourselves to think and recharge. Do a girls sleepover and take some time to just focus on you. Go out to dinner with your BFF, or a movie, or to the spa and get a massage, just step away from your marriage for a moment and try to look at it with different eyes. Go for a hike, or take a walk so you can think. If he has an issue with this? That is a problem. He may not have an issue with it..but he may call or text you the whole time you are gone. Another big problem. OR..he will get angry when you get back. Remember..all his reactions will be because you are supposed to only focus on HIM..no one else, not even you.

I am here.

Karen

So I have to add something that happened this morning and it's really disturbing me. He woke up early for work and was making a lot of noise getting ready which he doesn't normally do. He's usually pretty quiet. It woke me up which I'm thinking was his intention because when I asked him what was going on he asked me if we could talk. I said sure and he sat on the bed and told me he was really worried about us and he felt like I was pulling away from him or even thinking about leaving. I told him honestly that I was worried about some things too but I tried to assure him I had no plans to leave him. He wanted to know what it was, what was bothering me I asked him if we could talk about it later but he kept pressing me and when I told him we could talk about it tonight he leaned over me with on arm on either side of me and he said we had to talk about it now. I tried to sit up snd to push him away but he wouldn't move. I told him I couldn't talk about it then, it was too early and I was too tired. Mornings are hard for me anyway. So he asked me if I still loved him and I said of course. Then he said to promise him I wasn't planning to leave, which I did and then I said please get off of me. He looked at me for a minute then he smiled a little and kissed me, and then he went off to work. He's called me twice already to tell me he loves me. But I feel like he's checking up on me. I don't know.

Hi Karen,

Something happened and I'm really shaken up. I tried calling the hotline before I posted this but I was too afraid and I hung up. My husband and I just got into a huge fight and he stormed off. I'll try to keep it short. Monday afternoon he called me from work and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner. I told him I wasn't up for it so he came home with my favorite meal from one of our favorite restaurant. I never told him it was my favorite meal. He just knew. He's always paid attention to things like that. I always loved that about him. I used to think it was so romantic. So, we ate together, had some drinks and we made love. It was actually really nice, and I started hearing that voice inside that told me that maybe I was overreacting and things weren't as bad as I've been thinking. Then last night, he wanted to make love again and I said I didn't have the energy and he said okay, but he wanted to sit on the couch and cuddle, and he kept kissing me and pulling me close and I get it, that's something couples like to do, it's something I used to love to do with him. But I started to feel smothered and I told him I was getting tired and I just wanted to watch the movie we had on. So he stopped but he acted really hurt by it. Tonight he came home and he started the same thing. He could see that I wasn't into it and he sighed and asked me what was wrong. I asked him what is with him lately, why was he all over me the last few days. He isn't normally like that. I told him I just needed some space. He asked if there was something wrong with him wanting to show his wife a little affection. He asked what my problem was. Everything just came out at once. I told him my problem was that he was smothering me, I couldn't even get 3 days away with my friend in peace, and I feel like he doesn't have any respect for my boundaries. I tried to reassure him by telling him that just because I don't want him all over me every second we're together, that doesn't mean I don't love him. It didn't work. He said if I loved him, I had a hell of a way of showing it. He said I used to love hugging and kissing and there had to be a reason I suddenly was repulsed by him. Repulsed, really? And then he actually asked me if there was someone else! Anyway, it turned into a shouting match and I could see him getting more and more angry and then he said he had to go before he did something he'd regret and he walked out and slammed the door so hard the house shook. He hasn't come back yet but he has called twice. I haven't answered because I'm just not ready to talk to him yet and I know he's probably calling to tell me he's sorry but I just can't deal with him right now. I keep trying to tell myself I didn't do anything wrong but I can't stop crying and this voice in my head keeps popping up telling me that I should have handled it differently, I shouldn't have been so blunt, I should have been more gentle with him. I wish I knew how to shut that voice up. I didn't do anything wrong, did I?

Karen,

I don't think I can get away for a while. My friend and her boyfriend are away all next week and the following week is Easter and we are going to my in-laws house for the weekend.  I'm afraid things aren't any better.  He came home at about midnight Wednesday night, after that big fight, and he said he was shocked to see me. He said "I figured you'd have run off to your girlfriend." Girlfriend.  He uses that word because my friend is bisexual and when he and I married, she was in a relationship with a woman.He used to joke that she was after me, trying to steal me from him, because sometimes she greets me by saying, "Hey, gorgeous" and he perceives that as flirting.  I can say with absolute certainty she has never come on to me or anything even close to it. But he doesn't believe it.  So, I didn't say anything back to him, I was trying to let it--his use of the word girlfriend--go, but I guess he was determined to make a point. So when I didn't say anything, he started to go off about how I say that my friend is not trying to break us up, and she has no motive to try to break us up, but that she does have a motive and that is that she's in love with me. He said it's so obvious and he can't believe that I don't see it.  I walked away from that conversation, he told me to come back and I refused and for the  next 2 days he was pretty much giving me the silent treatment except to make rude or snarky comments.  Today, he tried to talk to me again but it quickly turned into the same thing and I told him he was being ridiculous.  I have known her for almost 20 years.  I know her better than I know anyone. If she was trying to steal me, I think I'd know. So then he says maybe it's that I am in love with her. I told him that's insane and he went off on me with a barrage of insults. He said I was a liar, ungrateful, useless (because I don't work full-time, only very part-time and he doesn't know why he married me.   I don't work full time because of my health issues and he knows it's hard on me because I always loved working, so him saying that was pretty brutal.  I started crying and he just left me there and walked out.  He just left me there.  I expected an apology at some point today but he didn't even give me that. He went to bed early and didn't even say good night.

I feel completely drained and yet I can't sleep.  I just don't understand why he's treating me like this. I am going to try to get away tomorrow to call the hotlines again but I just wanted to update you.

Hi Clair..thanks for the update.

Sadly, I am not surprised at all with how he is treating you. All that you are describing is emotional abuse. He has never been this bad before because the "apple cart has not been upset" before so to speak. You have always been loving, devoted, loyal, and trusting of anything and everything he has done or said. That is changing as you are seeing things and feeling things that don't feel right anymore.

The fact that same path of devotion is not being followed, he feels it and he sees it and he doesn't like it. "He can't deal with your issues anymore". Clair..this is an example of  abuse. You are experiencing the wrath of a  Narcissist who says "your feelings, thoughts, concerns..none of it matters to me because it is bothering me that you even have issues". In Lundy Bancroft's book..he says "Your abusive partner doesn't have a problem with HIS anger, he has a problem with yours". He truly believes that HE is the only one in the relationship who is ALLOWED to feel anger. AND when he determines that the conversation is over? Then to him it is as HE is the only one who matters here.

If you can, please  consider reading the book "Why Does He Do That?" Local libraries have it. It is on Amazon and you can look at it without buying it. Or, if you can, go to the library and sit there and read it. It will explain all of why he is doing this. It will explain why we have such difficulty believing they are abusive. It will explain why he apologizes immediately one time, then takes 3 or 4 days the next or doesn't at all. It will explain why he calls you nasty names, gives you the silent treatment, one minute blames your friend for everything that you are feeling or thinking, and then the next minute he flips a switch and supports your relationship with your friend. Why would someone be this way? Because he is abusive, and he sees nothing wrong with it. He has a very distorted view of right and wrong.

HE IS A NARCISSIST. AND HE TRULY BELIEVES THAT THE ONLY PERSON WHO MATTERS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS HIM. HIM ALONE. AND, he cannot understand, nor does he care, why you don't get this.

Your friend is a good friend, she is not going to tell you what to do because she isn't a controlling person. She believes you need to make your own decisions. She is supportive of WHAT YOU WANT..unlike your partner who really doesn't care what you want.

Everything he is saying and doing is to get you to not leave..at one time in your relationship you "fed" him all the love, good words, you stroked his ego and probably did it many many times. You are not doing that right now and he demands that you do this. Because..he believes that it is your responsibility to cater to his every need, his every whim.

 I know you want things to be better, but I can tell you they are not going to be better. The only way things are going to change is if you decide to accept how he is, continue to let him abuse you, and basically give up your life for him. And sadly, Clair..he would never do any of that for you.

Marriage counselling is a noble option, but all I can say is that it will not produce what you want. In marriage counselling, both parties have to admit flaws (genuinely admit it which he won't do) and be committed to change. He will be committed to making you feel like you are the problem and therefore you need to change. He will grow tired of it very quickly, he will make you feel crazy like you are the one who is changing everything and causing the problem. In his mind, He is devoted to you, he loves you, he gives you everything you need, how dare you not be grateful! That is what will happen, you will start to feel like you are crazy and it is a tactic that abusers use to control and manipulate us. He will be very convincing and you will feel way worse than you do now.

He may be waiting for you to apologize, but Clair, you did nothing wrong. Asking you to start over , telling you your friend means a lot to you, he won't ask you to do anything you don't want to do..Clair, these are all tactics to get you to forgive him and devote your life to him. It is a gesture that is calculated for him to get what he wants. He is manipulating you and he says he will leave you alone..but he won't. He is saying everything you want to hear..all to get you to do what he wants which is stay.

And, please don't misunderstand me...his motivation for doing all this isn't because he is afraid of loosing you, because he loves you so much. He believes that you are his, and he has every right to control you, manipulate you,  demand loyalty and your 100% attention. It is all for the selfish reason of him being satisfied. The problem is, he will never be satisfied. NEVER. And you can do everything you can think of to make him happy and you will destroy yourself doing it.  You cannot love him into being a better person. You can not talk him into being decent, you cannot argue with him until he sees your point of few. The problem is he does not care about anyone else's perspective because it is all about him. Is he worth all that? Honestly, they are not. 

 Here are some facts..The silent treatment is a punishment. That by denying you his voice or interaction, he is punishing you. He knows it bothers you and he does it on purpose because you deserve to be punished for causing all this uproar.  I have had that done to me several times and I didn't deserve it. It is horrible when you are in it, but honestly, when I finally realized what it was and why it was, I was thankful for it.

One thing to think about..he didn't leave you alone when you asked him before, how would this time be different? Because he said it? Because he is honest and genuine? No he isn't. It is a game he is playing and he aims to win.

You will get 20 questions, or you will get none. It depends on which he thinks will benefit him more. Punishing you for going out to dinner..you may get the silent treatment. He may act like he doesn't care that you went out. He may respond in a way that is nasty and horrible for going out and leaving him home alone..how dare you do that? You aren't supposed to have a life outside of your home. Or he will be interested and appear genuine..he isn't. He may just want sex and to get that he has to be nice to you.

Clair, he is getting worse. He is abusing you. You have every right to be upset.

If you can, call the hotline, talk to a counselor. Things are confusing right now and it is very hard to believe that what is happening is happening. I am so sorry it is happening. There isn't an easy answer here. Your friend is right and believe me I wish she and I were wrong. 

Your husband is not going to change. He is not going to stop abusing you. He insults you, he calls you useless, he ignores you, he is jealous of your friend and he saw you crying and walked away. HE SAW YOU CRYING AND WALKED AWAY...THAT is NOT LOVE. THAT IS ABUSE. And it is unhealthy, hurtful and purposeful. Not to mention mean and cruel.

I wish things could be different Clair. I really do. Please take care of yourself. Don't let this craziness cause you to become more ill. He will wear you down, he will blame you for making yourself sick. Focus on you. Find a way to take care of you.

Can you go and stay with your parents? Give yourself some space to breathe, to think, and to process all that is happening in your life right now? And, please whatever you do..be very careful about getting pregnant.  It doesn't sound like you have children, but he could very well try and get you pregnant and you will be trapped and connected to him forever. Which is what he wants. He may make it sound so romantic to have a baby together, to build a family..etc. It is all a lie. Having a baby with an abuser is the worst thing..he will abuse that child because it will take attention away from him. And that just cannot be with an abuser. 

Stay safe. Please try and sleep, try and focus on you for now. Your gut is telling you the truth. And please know that for now, unless you are willing to leave? Finding a way to be safe and stay is the only way to do this.

Can you stay with your parents for a few days? Just to give yourself some space? Going to your in-laws next weekend..can you become sick and not go? Would be nice to have some space and time to yourself. If you have to go, a few things to consider... watch your husband very closely. Watch how he is with his parents. Watch how his mother is with his father and vice versa. Watch how he treats his mother? And watch how she looks at her son and husband? You may say, all they all get alone fine, I promise you they do not. Something will be off. And what you are seeing may not be the truth. 

Please know, you do not have to live your life like this. You can change it if you feel you are ready. And please don't beat yourself up for not seeing this. I was married for 20 years..i wasn't happy and I cried a lot from my jerk ex treating me the way he did, but I would have said you were crazy if you told me he was abusing me. I made every excuse I could think of and he was good at it. He is slick. 

I am with you whatever you choose to do.


Karen

But you reported it and he was arrested and that's huge in itself. Not sure if this is true for where you live but if he was in jail, doesn't that automatically give no a no-contact order where part of his condition of bail is to not contact, nor have anyone else contact you on his behalf -- like his mother calling you? Because the pressure is on to ensure you make the charge go away, that it gets dropped.

Not sure if your face is bruised or what. But if you are feeling stupid for having been hit this time, imagine how stupid you'll be feeling if it was more than that. I'm glad you're out of there and it sounds like this will be what cements the break for you. It's a happy thing, a cause for celebration, because you're going to escape before you get seriously injured to the point of permanent damage.

He doesn't love you. He wasn't shocked to have grabbed you and hit you. So many of them do that 'look stunned' bit but it's an act, nothing more. See about getting a new phone.

You sound like you are still an intact, independent person with a life to live. Sounds like you have support and options of family to stay with and this is very, very good. Make sure to use your strength for you and you alone. Glad you can see how he is an abuser and leaving is the plan.

He'll be wooing you. And if that doesn't work, he'll do some guilt-tripping, some pity-playing. If those don't work, get ready for intimidation, humiliation, smears, gaining allies of others, turning people against you, and potentially further violence. Depends on the abuser and if he has much to lose and some other variables.

Hi Karen and anonymous,

This won't be long as I'm not feeling great, but I wanted to give you a little update. I have a temporary restraining order but since he is calling from random numbers and not leaving messages except for just the sound of him breathing, they can't prove that it's him. As for his mother, she stopped calling after the 2nd day. He is being charged with a misdemeanor which I have been told most likely means no jail time. He left a big red mark and scratches on my face and after I got to my parents house it was still there so I thought going to the hospital and letting them take pictures would make a difference but regardless it's still his first offense so it will probably be probation at most. I mean it's not really about him going to jail or not, I just want to be able to leave the house without worrying that he's out there. I just want him to leave me alone. I have to go to the next hearing to extend the restraining order. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm not ready to see him again. I haven't slept well at all since I left. I feel so conflicted. One night, I'll have nightmares and the next, I'm kept awake because I miss him so bad it hurts. I know that doesn't make sense after everything he's done. My parents tell me I'm talking nonsense and they say I need to just stop thinking about him and start thinking about my future. And I know I should. It just isn't that easy. My friend has invited me to stay with her but I'm afraid my husband might find out and start trouble because I'm sure by now he thinks we have something going on. I'd love to get out of my parents house honestly. It's like they want me to be happy I just left my husband and that my marriage is probably over. I swear my mom is almost giddy about it. She never liked him that much and she's all but said "I told you so". But I feel like I'd be putting my friend in danger if I went there. She insists it will be okay, I'm not so sure.

I'm with Karen. People who haven't lived with an abuser have no idea what bad advice flows from their mouths and how hurtful most all of it is.

You are grieving a marriage and a husband. Indeed. But what you grieve was never there. It was merely a trick, an illusion. There is no such thing as a marriage to an abuser. It's rather subjugation and predation. No real partnership. No real mutuality. But I understand that this is a dark time for you. Who wants to be divorcing?

However, from others' perspective, they just see you with this wicked, horrible person and are abundantly happy to see you get away. They don't realize or appreciate the complexity involved. If calling the DV hotline and posting here isn't enough, think about possibly going and attending abused women's support groups. You don't have to share, but you'll get to hear other women's stories and see how you are not alone. Perhaps they are in the same situation as you, staying with their parents, hearing all but "I told you so" from those in their lives. You may make a friend or two.

Your friend's place sounds pretty good. I didn't want to endanger anyone by staying with them either, so I get your sentiment. Perhaps discuss your fears with her. She might be honored by the chance to protect and shelter you.

Possibly read some books about DV and you'll see yourself in other women's accounts of what was done to them. As for your missing him, that's common. It's what abusers do, they make sure your life revolves around them. Also, divorce is like a death. So you are grieving and it's hard work and the fantasy, the illusion, is that somehow your abuser will now be a better person, has learned that they can no longer abuse you, is willing to be a decent husband... but that's never going to happen. Mourn it all. Mourn what never was -- but you thought existed.

And possibly turn your attention to getting through your presumably pending divorce. Divorce lawyers get paid their hourly fees no matter how bad of a job they do and they are known for ripping off abused women. File the paperwork yourself, if you can. Divorce attorneys are more often than not, fellow abusers, and fellow predators. Thieves, scams, and horrible, abusers themselves.

Do a vision board if you want. Imagine a life for yourself. Look at dating websites. See that there are others out there. Treat yourself. Buy stuff for yourself. Do whatever you think it takes to propel yourself forward. You must realize that your abuser didn't have any good plans for you in the first place... and now that he was arrested and all, he especially does not have any good intentions for you.

I don't know if you are a Christian but it might help to think of your abuser as a child of the devil. In my opinion, and based on what I see in God's Word, he is. Abusers are children of the devil.

Give him a name. Abusers do this for when they abuse their wives (or always) where they don't refer to her by her name, or anything loving, but rather they say "that bitch" or "that c-word" or "whore". Perhaps, if you employ this tactic and create a name for your abuser, it'll help lessen the trauma bonding and further remind yourself and cement it that he is not the guy he masqueraded as being. Call him "abuser" if nothing else. Take his name out of your vocabulary. It might help. It might not.

My thoughts are just that -- mere thoughts. None may apply. It might be all bad advice or otherwise impractical or inapplicable. No need to heed any of the above thoughts or ideas. They are mere ideas. Brainstorming.

I'm hoping the best for you. Remember, you are worthy, you are important, and you are precious.