Post by Someonelse on Mar 25, 2016 15:29:13 GMT
I don't feel like the person I once was, Ive changed over the years to someone different, someone confident, outgoing, happy with myself to reclusive, shy, quiet and so negative about myself.
I thought it might change, she promised it would never happen again and I believed it every time because I wanted it to, I made changes of myself and my personality to try and achieve this person she wanted me to be, the one who didn't cause her to lose her control and make her attack me.
But, reading through some of the information on hidden hurt, I feel like the author was sitting in my living room with us, observing and recording everything that was said and every action that was taken. But now, after 3 months of forced no contact due to bail conditions imposed after she told the police that I had caused her fear and alarm by sending some texts to ask how our 4 children are, I've had a lot of thinking time and only now I'm understanding that the reason it all sounds so familiar, so accurate, is because these patterns and behaviours are repeated in every abusive relationship wether it's him or her abusing their partner.
She was either having an emotional/physical affair before the end, I've only realised this by examining behaviours and things she said before we ended it added to the fact someone else was moving into the home we shared for 14 years 7 days after we split. Now I'm not concerned about her moving on, I still want her to find the happiness she needs, but I am concerned that my children are being poisoned against me by her and she expects an unemployed drug dealer to replace the love and care that I have for my children. I can only see that leading to further tension and just don't want my children to suffer any more than they already have. She has chosen on several occasions to assault me with our children present yet when the social work got involved after I reported one of the incidents, I entirely felt like it was me and my behaviour that was being investigated. She used my love of the children to pressure me into lying during the assault trial against her, telling me that she couldn't live with someone who had accused her of that and how she would take the children away and I would never see them again, which led to a verdict of not guilty despite compelling evidence to the contrary.
i thought like most men out there probably do at first, she wasn't actually hurting me badly, but I was blind to the mental and emotional abuse that she was carrying out. Background for her is that her parents split when she was young and her mother went through a series of abusive relationships which she witnessed until her mother met the man she is currently with and things settled down for a few years until the teenager in her started causing major escalations of arguments in the home with her attacking her step father several times. She fell out with my family early on, threatening to kick the baby out of my pregnant sister who was trying to help us, she then continually belittled them for no good reason. My family accepted her back after the birth of our first child and my sister tolerated this and was completely civil with her. But this broke down over time as my ex partner continued to have issues with my family and the way she felt they treated her and continued to try and isolate me from them, not allowing me to visit with my children and causing situations when I did so even with her permission.
she extended this controlling attitude to the things I liked to do, always berating me for my hobbies and interests even though she neither wanted to join in with them or was neglected by me spending too much time with them. I neglected friendships and lost lots of friends either directly through her behaviour in public or me not wanting to spend time with them as I didn't want to upset or anger her. If I did organise something without first asking her if it was okay, I could expect days of tension before, many phone calls during and a heated argument after.
Recently she had become very close to an old female friend of hers who then seemed to become regularly involved in our arguments and bickering, I felt I had no one to turn to and just had to batten down the hatches and weather the storm thinking things would get better, she'd promised me after all that it wouldn't happen again( for the 15th time) I found out that this friend had an equally abusive relationship with her husband in much the same way as ours and the friend just reaffirmed my ex partners beliefs that the problems all stemmed from things I said or didn't say or things I did or didn't do. I literally couldn't do anything right and was starting to believe this myself, this affected me at work with having to explain to management and colleagues why I was covered in scratches and bruises, told most colleagues that it was just boisterous play with my children or the pets, told management the truth but was still threatened with dismissal if I was found guilty of any of the false allegations of assault. I managed 6 years in the last job before I felt that I couldn't pretend to be happy any more.
While writing this, I've made a conscious decision, I've called 101 and asked for an incident to be reported, I've faced up to my demon and want her to understand how her actions have affected the children and I and take responsibility for her choices.
i could talk more about this but I feel that I've said enough for the moment.
I thought it might change, she promised it would never happen again and I believed it every time because I wanted it to, I made changes of myself and my personality to try and achieve this person she wanted me to be, the one who didn't cause her to lose her control and make her attack me.
But, reading through some of the information on hidden hurt, I feel like the author was sitting in my living room with us, observing and recording everything that was said and every action that was taken. But now, after 3 months of forced no contact due to bail conditions imposed after she told the police that I had caused her fear and alarm by sending some texts to ask how our 4 children are, I've had a lot of thinking time and only now I'm understanding that the reason it all sounds so familiar, so accurate, is because these patterns and behaviours are repeated in every abusive relationship wether it's him or her abusing their partner.
She was either having an emotional/physical affair before the end, I've only realised this by examining behaviours and things she said before we ended it added to the fact someone else was moving into the home we shared for 14 years 7 days after we split. Now I'm not concerned about her moving on, I still want her to find the happiness she needs, but I am concerned that my children are being poisoned against me by her and she expects an unemployed drug dealer to replace the love and care that I have for my children. I can only see that leading to further tension and just don't want my children to suffer any more than they already have. She has chosen on several occasions to assault me with our children present yet when the social work got involved after I reported one of the incidents, I entirely felt like it was me and my behaviour that was being investigated. She used my love of the children to pressure me into lying during the assault trial against her, telling me that she couldn't live with someone who had accused her of that and how she would take the children away and I would never see them again, which led to a verdict of not guilty despite compelling evidence to the contrary.
i thought like most men out there probably do at first, she wasn't actually hurting me badly, but I was blind to the mental and emotional abuse that she was carrying out. Background for her is that her parents split when she was young and her mother went through a series of abusive relationships which she witnessed until her mother met the man she is currently with and things settled down for a few years until the teenager in her started causing major escalations of arguments in the home with her attacking her step father several times. She fell out with my family early on, threatening to kick the baby out of my pregnant sister who was trying to help us, she then continually belittled them for no good reason. My family accepted her back after the birth of our first child and my sister tolerated this and was completely civil with her. But this broke down over time as my ex partner continued to have issues with my family and the way she felt they treated her and continued to try and isolate me from them, not allowing me to visit with my children and causing situations when I did so even with her permission.
she extended this controlling attitude to the things I liked to do, always berating me for my hobbies and interests even though she neither wanted to join in with them or was neglected by me spending too much time with them. I neglected friendships and lost lots of friends either directly through her behaviour in public or me not wanting to spend time with them as I didn't want to upset or anger her. If I did organise something without first asking her if it was okay, I could expect days of tension before, many phone calls during and a heated argument after.
Recently she had become very close to an old female friend of hers who then seemed to become regularly involved in our arguments and bickering, I felt I had no one to turn to and just had to batten down the hatches and weather the storm thinking things would get better, she'd promised me after all that it wouldn't happen again( for the 15th time) I found out that this friend had an equally abusive relationship with her husband in much the same way as ours and the friend just reaffirmed my ex partners beliefs that the problems all stemmed from things I said or didn't say or things I did or didn't do. I literally couldn't do anything right and was starting to believe this myself, this affected me at work with having to explain to management and colleagues why I was covered in scratches and bruises, told most colleagues that it was just boisterous play with my children or the pets, told management the truth but was still threatened with dismissal if I was found guilty of any of the false allegations of assault. I managed 6 years in the last job before I felt that I couldn't pretend to be happy any more.
While writing this, I've made a conscious decision, I've called 101 and asked for an incident to be reported, I've faced up to my demon and want her to understand how her actions have affected the children and I and take responsibility for her choices.
i could talk more about this but I feel that I've said enough for the moment.
