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Post by penelope on Dec 11, 2016 15:28:24 GMT
Hi there everybody,
First of all, I hope you are doing well today.
I am writing about my sister. When she was a teenager, she had a lot of problems with anger management. In fact, pretty much everyone in our family did. Our dad was very violent with objects around us, and almost 100% emotionally indifferent to his kids, and my older brother was quite sadistically violent with me, but not my younger sister, although she would've seen in it. As a teenager my younger sister became full of rage, and was very verbally abusive with a boyfriend, from what I remember. They broke up one Christmas after she threw his gift back at him. She has a police caution already for punching a man in the face, she has punched another one, and was thrown out of her flat once after fighting so much with her housemate that they destroyed the apartment. My mother was on the phone to her at the time (or at least the phone was on and she heard most of it) and my sister screamed at one point that she would stab her housemate in his sleep.
A couple of years later, my sister got into a relationship with a really violent Albanian guy who beat her enormously and cheated on her with prostitutes. That relationship went on for at least a year, then, after a few years, she got into another relationship with a Pakistani man who did the same. This went on for a couple of years, and then after a few months of being single, she got into a relationship with an Italian, who also beat her. She is heavily addicted to Cannabis and has been since she was a teenager, and somehow, I don-t really know how, managed to spend the £50,000 inheritance she received after our mum died, I don-t know if she spent it on drugs or the boyfriend stole it or what, but she now works 60 hours a week almost constantly, but is always broke, doesn't even eat sometimes because she's spent the money on something else (cannabis).
Me and my brother and sister have always tried to help her. She lived with my brother rent free after leaving one of the boyfriends, for 6 months, but said she was miserable and missed her ex boyfriend, eventually moving back to the city where he lived (apparently he wanted nothing to do with her after the inheritance ran out). She went to stay with my sister once after breaking up with the violent Italian boyfriend, but after a month she had fought with my sister and her fiancée, and left to go back to the Italian. She is almost constantly in debt to my dad and my sister, who keep lending her money and buying her food.
I just don't know what to do to help her.
I personally, although she hates me for it, have refused on various occasions to lend her money because I just feel like it's enabling her. I've thought about offering her money for a psychological evaluation, have sent her supplements to help with depression and stress and nutrition etc. and I try to listen to her whenever she has problems, talk to her, try to guide her, love her, support her, be some kind of positive influence guiding her about appropriate ways of behaving etc. but after a month or so of getting along fine, she inevitably takes offence to something I say/suggest and then refuses to talk to me for months. Its SO hard listening to her for years and years describing all this, I-m literally at the point where I'm expecting a phone call one day saying she's been killed, she's getting mixed up with drug dealers and people and prison and keeps intervening between random people fighting in the street, last week she almost broke into somebody's house because she thought a couple were engaged in domestic violence and she wanted to stop them. I just don't know what to think or how to help her.
I would be really grateful if anybody could share some advice, wisdom. Thank you so much.
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janine
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Post by janine on Dec 11, 2016 16:25:28 GMT
It sounds like that due to her traumatic childhood she could suffer from a variety of disorders.
Complex childhood trauma maybe, bipolar/manic-depressed, or borderline personality disorder. Whatever it is, only a licensed mental health professional can make that diagnosis. She is clearly not ok and needs help. It would be great if she went in for an evaluation, because from what it sounds like, she is not on a safe or healthy road.
She does something quite typical for survivors of traumatic childhoods - it is called 'repetition compulsion'.
It is not the fault of the victim and I doubt anyone (including domestic violence victims) does it on purpose. When someone is stuck in a loop of repetition compulsion they repeat behaviors and make choices that end them up again and again in the same traumatic situation (the abuse) they suffered early on.
I used to do that for example by seeking out narcissistic men for many years, because my mother is quite cold and narcissistic. It was what I knew. Human beings are very very strongly drawn to what they know, even if it is not good for them. It is familiar. Without mental health care we often cannot break out of this cycle of abuse. We simply go back for more. It is what we are used to and feel comfortable with, even if it leads to a dangerous life.
You are very right by labeling this 'enabling' if you give a person who suffers from drug addiction and other harmful addictive behaviors money to continue their damaging lifestyle. It's hard, because it's family. You don't want to support their addictions but you also don't want a family member out on the streets.
It sounds like maybe the entire family could benefit from therapy. If it feels right, maybe seek out a counselor for yourself for now. It makes such a dramatic difference if you find the right therapist. Mine really helped me make sense of my childhood and behavior over the years.
We cannot go back to get a second and healthier childhood. That is sad and needs to be grieved. But...we can re-parent our inner child and learn how to take good care of ourselves. It is never too late for self-compassion practices.
It's not your fault. It is also not her fault what happened when you were kids. People develop mental disorders due to a mix of factors - including their environment and genes and personality etc.
I would maybe start with offering a psychological evaluation and offering to drive her there etc. and go with her if she agrees. It's not her fault what happened back then, but she is an adult and has to make that decision for herself. If you assume her life is in danger you can of course, depending on the law, admit her for a 3 day evaluation against her will. I would talk to the hospital or your own doctor about this first though.
You don't have to do this alone - this is hard! Make sure you take good care of yourself as well. We can love other people a lot and want them to get better, but...at the end of the day they too have to want to get better. A friend of mine just lost her fiance to a drug overdose he took while he was in the hospital for detox. Childhood trauma messes with the brain of a human being. I just watched a good documentary on Netflix about this.
In my case I definitely have a tendency to push people away and at the same time pull them closer. It is a 'don't you leave me/go away' thing. In children we call this 'ambivalent attachment'. If within the first 3 years of life the primary caretakers (mom and dad) cannot offer a stable and safe and reliable relationship and home environment, it can cause so much pain and suffering.
There is a way out. With therapy and patience and self-compassion, even medication if needed and depending on the disorder.
Hope that helped a bit...it is a rough spot to be in as a family member. I am sorry this is happening, you have my compassion.
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Post by odelettedespins on Apr 10, 2018 11:34:19 GMT
The reading of this looks like your sister really needs some help. She has always chosen the wrong guys in her life to be in a relationship with. She needs to know what type of a person she should be chosen to be in a relationship with. You can try to make her talk to a psychic like Voyance Direct. Maybe she could help your sister.
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steve
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Post by steve on Apr 15, 2018 3:31:09 GMT
It sounds like you have done all you can. It is very hard to sit by and watch all this happen, but you seriously can't do anything to make her take action. She has to decide. You've avoided enabling, you've offered support, you've suggested options... what else can you do? Reading material can sometimes help, but it would have to be put in a way that doesn't make her feel wrong. Would she ever consider contacting a domestic abuse program? Or posting on a website such as this one? Maybe if someone who is not related to her and to whom she doesn't have to present a false front to protect her pride, it might help.
The biggest challenge for those abused early in their childhoods is TRUST. And the inability to trust really gets in the way of seeking any kind of help. The more you can understand and empathize with this challenge for her, the more likely she'll soften up and maybe consider trying something new. But again, you can't make that happen. Sometimes the best we can do is to ask what the other person wants for his/her life and whether their current approach is getting them where they want to go. As the saying goes, "You can lead a horse to water..."
Keep the faith and be there for her when she's ready to make a move. There isn't much else to do. Thanks for being there for her and caring!
--- Steve
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