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Post by AANVS on Feb 14, 2021 22:46:08 GMT
I was in an abusive relationship from the age of 24-31. I’m now 33. In this time I lost all my friends and I am a completely different person now. I use to be fun, loud and outgoing but now I find it hard to trust people and have not managed to reconnect with anyone because of the shame I feel from the relationship. Everyone knew what I was going through but because I would not leave my partner I lost my friends instead. I feel completely alone. My family knows about the abuse but I have never been able to go into detail. They don’t want to hear because it’s not worth speaking about or getting upset over now. For them it’s done with and I should be stronger. I find it hard to connect with people and prefer to spend time in my own company. I also feel this affects my work. I am scared to come forward with suggestions and new ideas because I’m so use to being told that I’m not good enough. Will this pass with more time? Will I be able to reconnect with people? Does anyone else feel this way? What can I do?
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Post by Kathryn on Mar 5, 2021 10:27:39 GMT
Hi,
I totally understand your feeling of being alone. I was only with my abusive partner for 11 months and what he managed to do in that time was colossal so I can't imagine being with someone for 3+ years. It's so difficult coming out with the kind of experiences those relationships bring about and trying to relate to most people seems impossible. I'm lucky in that I do still have a few core friends but I've definitely lost some through that relationship. I'm seeing a counsellor through a charity and I would highly recommend it to support your freedom and recovery. I've been left feeling similar, too small to ask for anything and like no one would want to know me but it's all because of how I was treated, it could be similar for you? I have hope that if you reach out your friends will give you a chance and if you're struggling I would really recommend a counsellor to get support in things like that. It's strange because I know so many people experience abusive relationships but it's hard to find people in my circles to talk to and then ones that would truly understand as well. I hope you find someone who hears and sees you, you deserve that.
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Post by Gracie on Mar 7, 2021 23:10:20 GMT
Kick that shame right back on the abuser. He ought to be ashamed, not you. Abusers work hard to instill shame and humiliation in targets, as that helps keep their prey captive.
People are trained by society to be victim-blaming. People are woman-hating, too. And many people don't understand the captivity and hostage taking inherent in domestic violence.
What you feel is very normal and understandable and appropriate.
Confidence and self-esteem is largely other-dependent. People like to believe their self-esteem comes from within and that confidence levels are merely a choice, but how one is treated by others affects both their confidence and their self-esteem/self-worth. We are social creatures. It's normal for you to feel badly. Abusers are destroyers. They actively destroy and damage you.
One good thing you can know is that you're very likely a good, decent, conscientious, kind person. That's why you were targeted. Abusers don't prey on the so-called 'b-words' of society.
Make a habit of being your own best friend. Be your own cheerleader. Try to do one audacious thing per day or per week. Make a habit of treating yourself as the queen you are. Seek to empower yourself always. And make sure to heal those inner wounds before some other predatory person comes along and sets his sights on you.
Your family and friends likely don't want to hear the details because they don't want to be badly impacted and have such details rattling around in their brains. Much of the culture pushes the narrative of "get over it" and "move on" as though targets are choosing to wallow in self-pity if they dare be impacted. It's a false, cruel narrative that serves abusers and predators.
Recovering from abuse is an awful time. Very trying. But every day you make it, that's one more day of distance you have from the abuse.
Invest in yourself. Treat yourself kindly. Seek out each of the lies and worthless things the abuser put into your brain and purge such evil.
Walk this earth like the queen you are. (Fake it until you make it, if nothing else.)
And see about attending a battered women's support group. You can gain strength and validation from being around other women who do understand and hearing about their struggles as well as successes. Some women have been out for years but they attend the group to encourage and support other women still in it. It's a traumatizing thing to be abused for many years and ongoing support is usually needed.
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