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Post by Lost on Sept 21, 2014 19:03:50 GMT
I recently suffered a terrifying ordeal with my partner who threw petrol over me and my son. He is being held on remand in prison . He had never been violent before bit was very drink, since being in prison he says he has suffered a mental breakdown he writes to me everyday and says he is sorry but can't remember that terrible night , problem is I remember and so do my son and daughter I feel so terrible as want to help him through this bit feel I am betraying my son by wanting to be there for everyone. Please someone help me !
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janine
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Admin
Posts: 1,185
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Post by janine on Sept 21, 2014 20:15:49 GMT
Hey you and welcome here,
Let me first say I am very glad your partner did NOT get to also apply fire when he threw petrol over your son and you. There are many, many reports of women and children who end up dead or terribly disfigured because their boyfriend or husband or Ex poured gasoline over them, and then also lit the gasoline up with a lighter.
That being said, this must have been a very difficult and traumatic experience for your son and you, and indirectly also to your daughter when she heard about what happened.
have you contacted a national, local or shelter domestic violence hotline? You can easily find those via internet search and they will not ask you to give away any personal information, unless you want to. All they do is offer free advice, a range of free services, including counseling for you and your kids and legal/financial/housing aid if you would like that.
Now, let me say i do not believe your partner does not remember. Abusers use 'poor memory' or 'alcohol/drugs/mental illness' as an excuse. Why? Because it allows them to never change or accept they need to work on their choices. Because deep down, he is not sorry he poured gasoline over you (with most likely the intent to then, or later in life, also apply fire) he is only sorry he got caught and went to prison.
My Ex used to beg me and cry about how he wish I would pull back charges against him, talk to him and 'we would work it out between us in private'--
See if you can get yourself help, like a counselor - a DV hotline or shelter. This man sounds very dangerous and I am highly concerned about the physical and emotional safety of your children and you.
He does not deserve your help. He chose to put you guys in danger and the protective or maybe loving feelings you might be experiencing right now are caused my traumatic bonding/stockholme syndrome,- if you want to look these terms up and they probably make sense to you.
It is normal to feel the way you do. Many women go back in average 7 times to an abusive partner- only to either lose their life or health- or get away after one last final serious blow. Maybe he has not yet been openly physically violent with you - but if you feel like it read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. Mr. Bancroft has worked with abusers for over 30 years and knows why they do what they do, how they do it, how their partners and kids suffer- and what you can do to help YOURSELF now and your kids.
He will never change. Abusers just do not do that. One clear sign is his denial of the incident with the petrol.
Iam concerned he will set you on fire or harm you and your children in another physical way if you continue the contact. No contact is the best way to get over an abuser and move on and live a safe life-there are helpful articles linked on our website you might want to check out.
We are here and understand this is incredibly difficult. Most of us stayed way too long with an abuser, went back over and over again- and fought hard through the withdrawal phase after leaving and going no contact.
You can do this and will be better off without him. A man who chooses to throw petrol over your baby- is dangerous. That is not love or passion or memory loss. It is putting your son in danger- and if you cannot stay away for your own safety right now, think of him. Especially if your kids are not adults yet, they need you to protect them.
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