10 weeks later, no contact but missing him more than ever

Hi Confused and Hurt..I can say I understand how you feel..I was crying in the car today..twice. What usually triggers it for me is seeing a car like his..he drives a Toyota Corolla..there must be a million of them on the road and I see every one of them. It was also a song, then it was driving a familiar route..the way I always would go to "our" home at night. I was like "what the he!!" today..i was doing so well not crying. But like Janine said..I decided to just let the tears come. Trying to stop them hurts more...and it is a release. I am sad..I am grieving a loss. I work in Hospice..I know what grieving is..and how important it is to mourn. The stages of grief are "denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance". We don't really go through them in that order..but I can say I have experienced the first 4..at different times. I have the depression sometimes and I am definitely angry. I have bargained too. Not at acceptance yet. It is important to let yourself feel what you feel..it is ok..we all have reason to feel what we are feeling. And I am learning, that everything I am feeling, thinking, experiencing...it is all normal for what I have been through...it is ok. One day at a time..one hour at a time..sometimes that is what I have to do. I try very hard to find something to distract me when I have the temptation to text my ex..I do work, read a magazine, clean, something to take my mind off the temptation. I get through that moment, then I am ok and move on. It may happen again tomorrow..but I know why it happens, what triggers it, and how to work through it.. it is working..hang in there..come to this forum and write when you have that temptation..it can be very helpful.

Oh man I felt sooo stupid when I suddenly missed my abusive ex like crazy, just weeks after court and everyone else thinking 'well...she put that one behind her, didnt she..."
Nope. I secretly called him, met him a few times, cried to friends how much i missed him (now they of course felt betrayed and told me they thought im crazy) and all that jazz. It takes time. It takes education. Once I read 'why does he do that' i realized that him and I ...were NOTHING special. I was just another statistic of that woman who fell for an abuser.

It took me a long time in counseling to understand none of it was my fault. That his behavior had nothing to do with me, and this experience did NOT define who I was.
That many people have no clue about DV and said the wrong things, did the wrong things and assumed the wrong things in my eyes- adding to the toxic shame i already felt anyways.

Abuse is complex, every victim and survivor goes through it in a very unique way. What hurt me most--- but was also the biggest blessing--was the moment i read online that other women had very similar and often identical experiences.
It made me first feel soooo mad and angry and sad at the time I wasted on this abusive guy.

Then i realized that i stopped feeling alone.
I stopped feeling crazy.
I started to see I was human, I was lured into abuse by a charming actor.

And the last time i saw him i had NO feelings left. i already knew i was moving away that same day and never told him.
It is NOT safe to go back and see an abuser and i would always advise against it- but iam human and did it. and now-years later iam so ok with everything and love life and have found a safe relationship that is going on long-term----

and man. Once you are out, healed with a therapist or whatever way you find right....and then date a normal, healthy man.
Boy is THAT a different book. It is amazingly safe, wonderful and....RIGHT. It feels right.

hang in there, believe in yourself and that life is not meant to be spent suffering from a stranger. Which really all abusers are.
Strangers who came into our life by accident and lied their way in. But we are not responsible for them.

We can only change ourselves and be kind and loving to ourselves.

I know how you feel about the dreams, they can seem so real like it is happening in real life. I have been told its a way of processing what has happened to you and sometimes there can be triggers in life, like me last week I had a vivid dream of being back with my ex but I knew what the trigger was. You will get to the place where you don't want any contact, it just takes time, but you will get there and you will no longer miss him. Hang in there, it will get better and keep posting, it helps I think to say how you feel in words. I have been told when I had a bad dream about my ex to write it down in the morning and then tear it up and that way it gives no power over you. Take care.

Actually, you know what...I just put my laptop down and then I remembered that I did do something really human myself just a few days after I had called the police on my Ex, and he had been released and he thought I had already moved away- when really i was staying with the friend that rescued me the night I escaped. That friend was working that night and i had a few hours to myself....

and man...I mean if i could give myself a hug back then i would. I decided in my brilliant post traumatic stress adrenaline rush that i would 'just take a walk'....and of COURSE i crawled around our house we rented together the months before. It was pitch black dark and I sneaked around the house like a ninja- (or so i thought) and in a way it felt freeing since I had run away in my underwear from him from that very same house just days before.

And here i was- in the dark, with dark clothes, hiding in the bushes, looking at him through the windows.
Of course he couldnt see me and he had already had a friend move in with him- abusers move on VERY quick and I bet he was already dating someone else right away too....
and then....I walked home.

I would NOT advise this ninja move and now years away and a continent far from him, I laugh hard at it. And in a way...it DID empower me. I was in charge of that ninja situation. He didnt know I was there. I had 'control' over myself back.
It really is about that...you lose all your control and learn slowly to empower yourself again.

To all the ninjas out there....dont do the ninja, but DO empower yourself and forgive yourself. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.
Feelings need to be felt, and we can learn to 'sit with them' and watch them come into the train station of our mind, be noted and be named, and then gently depart.....and make space for happier trains to arrive.

Your rants are always very welcome- I would rather describe them as 'your body and mind releasing tension'-- which is healthy and probably needed when we heal.
It sounds like you Ex has a history of using women- especially when it comes to visas I am aware of many stories going on. In my home country in Europe we get a TON of those cases- a foreign man who fakes interest and gets a visa - once the visa is unlimited, off he goes.

And the woman is left to make sense of all of this. You cannot help but feel 'used' there because well....basically he DID use you for a visa. Or in your situation, he had used his ex wife for a visa to stay. I bet she must have felt furious for a while and needed time to heal as well.

And thanks for the kind words- I always told myself if I come out healthy and find myself in a good spot, I would love to kind of use what I know for something positive. But....I HAD to heal first. And this is important- everyone is so different, every healing journey is unique.

I had professional counseling, read a TON of books, but also continued my life and went to Uni to get my Master's etc. At the start I would often obsess about DV and then there were times I did NOT want to hear the word 'DV' and have nothing to do with it.

Whatever comes up, let your body and mind guide you-- knowing at the same time that trauma messes with your perception BUT.....your brain chemistry does bounce back.
Belleruth Naparstek explains in her book 'Invisible Heroes' extremely well what changes in your brain due to trauma. She is basing her entire book on recent research in the trauma field and her 30 years of therapy experience as a counselor herself.

I found the book spoke to me and explained in good language what my body and mind went through- it helped me understand when the thoughts I had 'were put into my mind by the trauma' and when the thoughts were pure gut feeling/intuition and RIGHT.

As far as i am concerned- please feel welcome to tell your story as often as you want, in as much detail as you want. It does not get boring or annoying for us- that is after all why we are here. We invite you to be in charge of this place in terms of what you feel is right--- and also step away from it if you would like a 'DV' break or --- kick DV out of your life for good.

Some members come see us here while they get out- and I am always kind of happy when we do not hear back--- once we know they are ok and out for good. Sometimes then later we get a short message even years onward telling us how their life is now safe and happy.

That is what it is about.

Empower you, show compassion, listen...listen....and remind you gently that YOU alone have already all the answers within. We are just a little support along the way. Always here- never angry or sad if you do not need this place anymore.

There is no right or wrong here.

(the only time I would use my admin rights to remove someone would be if an abuser himself finds this page-- which I find is unacceptable as this is a place for those who truly deserve the help and attention.)

Hate to say this but I still miss him and I've not lived with him since 2009! Some days I don't think about him and others I think what a fool he was and how could he possibly want to hurt the lady he was supposed to be in love with?! We had everything going for us! Then he used his fists and mouth and continued to until in the end the police took over! I went back to him on and off for another 3 years but he hadn't changed. He still showed me the same traits even though didn't go that far! Whether it was because he was on 2 years probation I'm unsure. I just wished things could have been different. I wish he stayed the man I fell in love with but I know now that that was only a mask. I loved that man in the mask with all my heart. Now all he wants is revenge and to take me for every penny he can. Still showing his true colours, but I just miss that man I fell in love with. It does get easier as time goes on but you often think why did he start these actions! Now I'm very in fact too careful now! But it becomes less painful daily.

The man you ladies are talking about doesn't exist. He is a facade. You know this, but somehow you want the fake side to be the real him. I'll bet the fakes don't know who they are. How can you know who he is, when he doesn't know who he is? And, he is not giving you a second thought.

Only a stalker will think of you all the time.

That is harsh, jean812, but correct.

It is so difficult trying to make sense of these men but easier once you realise that they are just big liars. There are no hidden depths or warm hearts inside them and nothing you can reach that will make them love you as you deserve to be loved.

The trouble is, we are raised on stories and movies where the bad guy can be made into a good guy with just a bit of love.

Unfortunately, they are just fairy stories

In the end you will get there. Spoil yourself when you can and try not to look back on that imaginary being that you thought he was once. The real him is the nasty jerk that you last saw. He is not capable of ever making you or anyone happy so try not to waste too much brain space on him.

Hey thistle I agree, we believe that beauty can tame the beast, and perhaps that's why we stay, just to keep trying because in the fairy tale the heroine never gives up...or not that I can recall.
Karen I'm with you on that, we have to go through it unfortunately. I know one day this will seem like another lifetime. I think I read on here of someone who kept writing all the bad things down so that she didn't forget.
I hate weekends!