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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 3, 2014 16:17:42 GMT
Hey Maddy and welcome here, You have found a safe place to share your experiences with and I hope we can help you by giving advice or simply listening... First- let me say that it is indeed scary how violent your Ex is. He chooses to be that way and that makes HIM responsible for any injuries you received. And only HIM. We never make anyone do anything. It is his way to mess with your mind and control you. He is testing how far he can get and the violence gets worse and worse each time he has a chance to interact with you. It is scary that he would not even mind hitting a pregnant woman badly. That is not love. It is abuse. You could have lost your child and that would make him a murderer- but these guys love the drama. He enjoys playing victim right now and all that talk about "wanting to turn back time" and blaming the alcohol are excuses. If you can be a drunk/happy/tired person like many of us (and most people!!!) he most certainly can too. Or- if he knows he gets violent and could possibly kill his own baby or the mother of his baby whom he claims to love, then why does he drink at ALL? Because he loves the control. Thats why. You did not cause him to hurt you or go to jail. This man sounds dangerous and I am concerned about your baby's safety and yours as long as he has access to you. Now....whatever he did or why, how he feels...is his backpack to carry. You cannot change him as much as you might hope to love him enough to make him a better person. He has already proven he doesnt intend to be better. The real people that deserve all YOUR love and attention now are YOU and your baby.... If you feel like it, I recommend contacting a local Domestic Violence shelter. They usually have free hotlines and they are easy to find via a google search or call the national DV (Domestic Violence) hotline in your country and they connect you with the place closest to your home. If possible, your health insurance can also offer you a therapist to deal with the trauma and be there as support if that feels comfortable. I for example really really wanted a therapist. I chose a woman and she was my life jacket. There are also lots of good books out there...."Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft is a VERY good book for someone in this situation. It has helped me to stop wondering what I had done, what I could have done better, what i did to MAKE him do all that.....and I simply realized: I didnt do anything. He abused me because he could. The one trick abusers use is what you described yourself- the good times are VERY good and that keeps you in. You are traumatized and crave that "good" man back. The prince charming he was when you first met him. But that man was never there. He played his role from the beginning and he knows how to push your buttons and make you feel sorry for himself. My ex punched holes into a wall next to my face during one night and said I made him do it. Then he would make me pity him and help him ease the pain for the two broken fingers he had gotten from punching the wall....and they usually overdramatize that too. My ex whined on and on about how he could never work again because his wrist was ruined blablabla....a few days later he was up and running again. Plus...it is NOT your responsibility. One advice Id like to give you though is that if you want to protect yourself and heal for good- usually its best to go "No contact" with any abuser. There are some resources on this website about it that can help you but if you prefer a person to talk to, your local DV shelter can provide you with professional advice. There are a few things you can also read up on if it feels right - "Cycle of abuse" " Stockholme syndrom or traumatic bonding" and " post traumatic stress" it helped me so much to read as much as i could to understand WHY i would worry more about my abusive ex than myself? When I had the wounds, mentally and physically. you are strong and deserve more than this violent abuser. Its a hard road and it often takes a few attempts to go no contact with a former partner- but you can do this. The court can also supervise visits from him to his daughter. although i wouldnt be surprised if once he finds out you really went no contact that he loses interest in her. A father who acts this way, is not worthy of being trusted with a baby he tried to kill when she wasnt even born yet. let us know if there is anything we can help you with. either way- whether you go no contact or not, we understand. its hard. people who dont understand abuse dont understand why the woman "doesnt JUST leave him???" because its not that easy.... hang in there, you did the right thing. the police needs to lock him away or else your daughter might end up having a mom thats very hurt or worse. think about that....it might help you to cut him out of your life and have hope for a much brighter future that you deserve!!!! we are here if you need an ear.
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Post by Maddyxx on Jan 3, 2014 19:20:44 GMT
Thank you for your words they have helped me to believe it's not all my fault.. I just feel sorry for him that he is going to go to jail for a long time .. He's telling me I can do things the easy way or I can do them the hard way .. Easy way dropping all the charges against him or hard way getting him locked up for a long time. He's telling me I never done anything nice or helped him out when I was in the relationship with him so why would I help him out now and drop the charges because I'm selfish and evil. I feel like I will never find a person that will love me as much as he did when he was nice .. He was nice most of the time... I need to forget him and never ever go back I just can never see me living a nice happy life .. I don't know how to be happy anymore.. Most nights I google "how to be happy?" I think I might be trying to hard to be happy.... At the moment I'm trying to move out of this small town and live a happy life somewhere with my daughter .. She is the only little person that makes me want to even live.. I hate life and if I didn't have her I wouldn't want to live.. I was happy before I just want to feel happy again Maddy x
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 3, 2014 21:45:02 GMT
It sounds as if he is pulling all acts he can on stage. Being nice and sweet -talking and then attacking you. That is confusing and it must be hard to think clearly with his voice in your ear. What if you don't let him contact you for a while? Even if it's just for a week to get some space. Change your numbers, email etc. to not even be tempted to talk and see how you feel once you do get a break from his rambling nonsense.
He is not sorry he has hurt you, he is just sorry for himself that he got caught and is facing legal consequences of his poor behavior. It's not about you, it never was. It's about him. My Ex tried everything to avoid trial. He would insult me and call me names, the next second he was all whining and crying, begging me to not go through with the charges. Then attack me, then tell me he loves me too much and he wants to kill himself if he cannot have me....blablabla.
I promise you that once you get a break from his mental abuse that he is still putting you through- you will feel happier. It takes time...all of the putting down and stress is depressing. And one symptom of post traumatic stress is in fact depression...so whatever you are feeling is normal and it will pass.
It sounds like you do have dreams and plans to move- make a fresh start etc. and this might be a good time to find a professional counselor to help you with things from your childhood and the abuse now. Only if it feels right of course. While working with mine I found out how many similarities were between my abusive ex and my mother who is very controlling and manipulative.
Take it step by step. Hour by hour. Treat yourself to nice things and dare to dream. Your life has just started! The abuse you suffered does not define who you are and will be. You alone choose that now and the less you hear from him, the better it will feel. It's like an addiction. The first few days and weeks are rough but then comes a time when you wonder what you ever saw in him and you feel its unhealthy to even read an email from him.
hang in there, get professional support, you do not have to walk this mile alone.
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Post by HH Lindsey on Jan 3, 2014 23:32:51 GMT
Hi Maddy, I agree with Janine that none of this is your fault or responsibility, but his. Just reading through the things he has said (quite apart from his behaviour!) he seems to be trying to do a major head job on you. >> He's tellin me I've ruined his bond with his baby girl - Errm, no. You called the police because he was being dangerous in your house. What if the little girl had walked into the lounge as he flung the TV? She could have got badly hurt or killed. Even if she was just in a cot listening to that happening, she must have been really frightened. This is him shifting the blame onto you and playing the victim. Actions have consequences, and he doesn't want the negative consequences for himself, eg getting into trouble with the police or going back to prison. Not much sign of his being concerned about the consequences of his behaviour on you, eg physical pain and terror, or his little girl either. >>He only done what he done because I have been messing with his head the past month when we wernt together Major denial of his responsibility there. He punched his way into your house, assaulted you, damaged your goods, frightened you and the baby, and that was meant to be YOUR fault??? NO! That is just typical abuser trying to shift blame onto the victim. >> He was full of drink and if he could turn back time he would More blame shifting this time on to the drink. Somehow trying to convince you that it was not really his fault, but the drink and is therefore not REALLY who he is, and his actions are not really those he would chose to do. Doesn't ring true either - if you know you get violent when you drink alcohol, and you seriously love or have concern for other people, then you don't drink. >> His hand is ruined for life from punching the glass doesn't have feeling in his rist or 2 little fingers and thumb Playing the poor victim here again. Instead of concentrating on the fact that HE was the aggressor, you are now meant to feel sorry for his self-inflicted injuries while smashing your house up, with the little one inside. >> Do I really want to ruin so many peoples life by sending him back to jail ?? This one always gets me. They really don't understand that it is their actions which land them in jail or in trouble, not us calling the police on a whim. If he had not broken in and assaulted you and damaged he house, then the police would not be involved. His behaviour - his actions. It is not your job to rescue him from the consequences of his actions. Here he is posing as victim again and is asking for you to be his rescuer. >> Hurting his daughters and mother ??! Errrm, as above, blame shifting, but from a different angle. Initially he was trying to blame you for his assault on you, now he is trying to make you feel guilty because his family will be upset that HE messed up again. Then he goes on to make you feel guilty for wrecking his life if he ends back in prison, completely forgetting that it is his actions which land him there, not yours. Try to get hold of a couple of books - The Dominator by Pat Craven, and Why does he Do That by Lundy Bancroft. They can really help you to understand the dynamics and what is actually happening in such a situation, and then the confusion wears off, or join a Freedom Programme if you have one locally, if not there is also an online course at www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php . And the more stories like this you read, the more answers you will hear back, the more you will realize that their responses and blame shifting and denial and guilt-tripping victims and crying and being hopeless or frightened or aggressive or whatever else, they are just the normal tactics used by abusers ... we used to be convinced they all attended the same college, because it was just all so similar and off pat! I hope you have found somewhere safe to stay tonight, where he cannot find you if he gets cross and drunk again? And as Janine says, you don't have to go through this all alone, there will be help available from local DV forums or organisaions, or shelter or refuges. Give them a call and I am sure just speaking with another human will help to untangle your brain so you can think straight. Also, last thought. IF this had happened to your friend, rather than you, what advice would you give her? All the best Lindsey
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Post by maddy on Jan 4, 2014 1:25:23 GMT
When I was pregnant with my daughter in 2011 when he first hit me he went to jail for 1 year and I was away from him with no contact and I was fine ... My friends where telling me as soon as he comes out of jail you will go back ... I hated him and I was adamant I would NOT go back and as soon as he came out I went back after having no contact what so ever for a full year! I don't know how that happened or why I went back but the more I think about it I believe that when he went to jail I put it all to the back of my mind and forgot about the situation. I didn't deal with it I still didn't believe I was in a domestic relationship I was 21 at the time ... I'm 24 next month and I think it's only now I have realised how bad it really is and I'm a lot more mature and careful now I have my 19 month old daughter. I'm trying to deal with this the right way and I feel like this website is a god sent! I'm googling things what your telling me and finding out about the circle of abuse and I'm shocked at what I'm seeing because it's exactly my ex. I know if I stay in a relationship with him eventually he will kill me .. I know this for a fact. I don't want to be this scared unconfident freak anymore I want to be happy and healthy. I need to break free once and for all - I know he will go to jail for what he's done so there's my time apart. His own mam is petrified of him but she sticks up for him I think she is brain washed to him because she can't see no wrong in him what so ever- she doesn't want to talk to me she hasn't even text or called to see how her granddaughter is and Chrissy told me it's because she doesn't want to speak to me after what I have done :s
I'm staying at my mams now until I move so I'm safe Andy mam is trying to help me so much .. She found me this website and is helping me get back to normal. I'm sorry if I keep talking but I can't help it because I feel like this is helping me deal with my crazy life
Thank you x
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 4, 2014 3:13:58 GMT
Hey you, No apologies EVER needed for writing here. Please KEEP talking! That is what we are here for....and Thank YOU for being so strong to open up and sharing your experiences for yourself and your daughter and more women out there who dont dare to talk (yet) because they are scared... Believe me I was in your shoes only a few years ago and I felt SOOO damn lost and alone. Then I found this site and started to learn for the first time about domestic violence...it was a shock that I had never really known much about it. After all I was already 25, had a university degree and went to a very good high school! How come I only kind of knew about this??? I was shocked but also relieved.... The one thing you will eventually let go off is wanting or waiting for some sort of "closure" that was the hardest part for me...my ex would have never understood or apologized for what he had done, neither did the people around him...I tell you "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft is a blessing when it comes to all those thoughts and questions....there will be people who protect the abuser, who defend him and who will not believe you. There will never be a good end to the story other than that you save yourself and block him out and use all the help you can get to defend yourself from this perpetrator. Dont beat yourself up for having gone back the last time either...you are OK and normal. You are a normal woman with the wish for a happy little family. I bet he played all the sweet cards back then to make you long for some sort of home and also help with a newborn! Its damn hard to be a single mom, respect to you!!! And that must have sounded seductive...in average most women go back 7 times I have read somewhere. But it gets more dangerous each time and especially in your case I am very concerned about your daughter and your own safety. One thing that helps when we are tempted to contact the abuser is to call a helpline instead. Ive done that. A domestiv ciolence helpline where people just know how it feels like (the addiction) and how to make you not call him or answer your phone. By the way now would be a great time to cut all that out. Get rid of your phone, email, change addresses and let go off people that want him as a friend. You do not need these people. its painful but I had to cut out a few friends who didnt think the abuse was so bad and who told me " i should just get over it" ...well...they dont know anything and most certainly not what it means to run for your life and live in fear. The book "Invisible Heroes" by Belleruth Naparstek focuses also on explaining what is physically going on in your body and mind right now (our brain chemistry is literally changing from experiencing abuse- we are ore jittery, more restless, sleep problems, anxiety, depression etc....) and there are techniques to help you deal with that. Also ask your mom maybe if she can help you find a counselor. My health insurance covered 7 months of therapy and I really really needed that....the time to work through it all in a safe environment, guided by a professional. You are strong and brave to defend yourself and your baby girl. He could indeed kill you or her too. It's a sad fact and I told myself after reading about abuse and while my Ex was in jail: you do NOT want to be another statistic. You do NOT want to be that dead woman on the news. He is NOT taking life from you anymore. And when the fear and helplessness switches to anger, the will to grab yourself and say: I deserve more and I love myself too much to let this happen...thats when you move forward and take baby steps towards freedom. And you sound already on your way!!! Keep on going... Its going to be rougher some days but that makes it a nice Cha Cha Cha dance Two steps forwars, one back, then more forward....
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Post by maddy on Jan 4, 2014 13:07:07 GMT
The last time I was away from him I moved on and got with somebody else and was sort of happy for a while this was last Christmas .. Then I started to contact the him regarding our daughter and I ended up going back again! I don't understand how I can move on then go back to him all the time ... I get scared that he will meet somebody else and have a nice happy life and forget about our daughter and make a new family .. I think that's why I go back everytime because the thought of him living happily ever after and treating somebody else like a princess knocks me sick ... That selfish of me and heartless isn't it. But now I have really opened my eyes and i will not go back but I need to stop my jelousey which causes me to go back. He's told me I might move on but as soon as the man finds out what I'm really like he will soon get sick and I will end up on my own because I'm evil to the core. I have respect for others and I have mannors I'm not a horrible person and I think that my heart is in the right place .. But I doubt myself a lot. He tells me I have been ruined as a child because I've been spoilt it has ruined me because it is always my way or no way. I haven't spoke to him this will be my second day and he is hanging himself in to the police on Sunday night ..(after he's had a good party this weekend I imagine) He' told me if I ever had love for him ever in my life I should do one thing for him .. Not be selfish and just do one small thing and that's let him see the only thing he's got in this world before he goes back to jail ... I do feel nasty but I am not lettin her go I can't .. I wud be petrified the whole time she was with him. When he goes to jail I want to proply get over him for good so that when he comes out in a few years I won't go back. I feel evil and heartless that I'm going to have to go to court to get him sent down but I think that is the right thing to do ?
Anybody that has anything to do with him or is mutral friends with us both I'm going to cut out of my life (something I didn't do last time he went to jail) I'm expecting a letter of him when he goes to jail with all the apologies in the world like I got last time ... I didn't reply last time and he didn't like that so told me he had been sleeping with my best friend when we where together which I learnt to be a true fact... It broke my heart into tiny pieces .. Not only did I loose the person I loved with all my heart and would never ever hurt I also lost my best friend that I grow up with .. I hate her so much ! But I hated Chrissy for doing it but I could forgive him but I could never ever ever forgive her I still hate her now.... When he was horrible to me it was her I used to cry to and she was telling him everything along with sleeping with him .. I was betrayed and the worse part of it is .. She was my Naybour she was sleeping with him why I was just a wall distance away and stupid thick me didn't have a clue! Speaking about it now knocks me physically sick. And this idiot sat here typing all this went back to him after he done this to me!!! I hate myself more today and I feel mad, sad and angry... I want to run away with my daughter to the other side of the world so I can forget everything and live happy .. But that's never going to happen I'm stuck
Thank you for listening and replying it means a lot it really does from the bottom of my heart x
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 4, 2014 17:34:14 GMT
One thing came up in my mind right away after reading your message- I am glad you chose not to let him have your daughter or even see you until he is in jail. I would be concerned about yours and her safety. There are enough crazy men out there jumping off parking garages when their wife wants a divorce and they dont want the child or woman to move on without them. Good on you for listening to your gut and staying away until he is locked up.
One other thing you can be 100% assured of is that he will NEVER live a fairytale life. He will abuse his next girlfriend, the one after and the one after. He might pretend it's all great and it was your fault all along that he couldnt be happy with you- but give it a while and you would always see how he will end up hurting her too. It's a given. Of course he wants you to believe that you caused all of this and you will not be happy.
There will come a day when you really see that his hidden agenda was to make you miserable, dependent and doubting yourself. Because what does it make you? Completely dependent on him and controlled by him.
My ex went on to sleep around very fast after I left him. He did the whole pity party first- drinking a lot with friends, crying, pretending to commit suicide (sadly he didnt succeed and lied about that one too) and being aggressive towards me to force me to drop all charges.
Its not about you. He doesnt love you and he never did. Not in the way you wanted or imagined it at least. And most certainly not in a way you deserved. Its like abusers speak a language but its something they learned, and dont really live by. They know you WANT to hear the sweet talk of "love,destiny, passion, the one, blabla" but they really only use it to get what THEY want.
the hardest part for me was really to understand my ex never loved me. That i was being fooled from the start. The betrayal, the anger...it was a lot.
One thing I noticed is that you still internalize the things he told you over the time he was with you. (and thats very normal to do as we come out of these abusive relationships broken, lost and confused with lots of self blame) You talk so negative about yourself and thats HIS voice....not yours....you are NOT evil. Not selfish. He is going down for something HE chose to do. You are simply a witness to a crime. Be it that he is someones father or not- screw all those romantic views he might try to put in your war. He is a criminal who committed violent acts repeatedly and he is not a safe member of the community. You did not make him do this.
How about we re-phrase that a bit...you are brave and courageous and can be VERY proud of yourself for keeping your baby and her mom (you) safe...she deserves a future where mommy is there and happy and healthy and safe. You are raising a child! Thats wonderful!!! You know deep deep down your inner core is beautiful and you deserve a man who brings out the best in you, who underlines what a wonderful woman and mother you are.
There are lots of things you like too...maybe some hobbies you forgot about while he was all in your mind and all you could think of was the jealousy, the hate, the anger. Believe me i was jealous like nothing else, i was angry, i was missing him, i went up and down and up and down...until i read "why does he do that" and suddenly...i really understoood his games and tricks. and...i was smarter than him right then and there and really felt disgusted by him.
One thing my therapist once said to me that got me angry first was:
You cannot swing your sword of justice over his head for the rest of your life. Or you will never be free of his abuse.
-- that hurt me first. But then...i realized she was right. I had gone through court and did all i could. i got away from him. i was STILL wanting to somehow give more and more proof of his abuse....but by doing that I allowed him to be in my head. It takes time...but you will fill that void in your life with positive things. A hobby, new friends, more sport, more time in nature, more of the things you enjoy....
and one day all of this will be one bad memory, nothing else.
oxoxox hang in there. Make it till Sunday until he is arrested. Stay in a safe place and dont allow any contact until the jail confirms he is confined. I dont trust abusers in these situations as they can act like a wild lion caught in a corner and thats very dangerous.
and....while you are safe....its time to pull out YOUR dreams. Maybe some long forgotten ones. The ones you dont dare to think about anymore because they seem impossible...how about we look at those for a bit -- even if its just to talk about it. Something and someone YOU wanted to become. What makes you happy ( a favorite song, a hot bath, some good chocolates) -- pamper yourself and dont be ashamed to ask from life more than what you got. Life is ready to work with you and throw some good vibes your way.
we are here no matter what.
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Post by maddy on Jan 4, 2014 19:52:33 GMT
My mam has ordered me the book "why does he do this" it should be here by next week I'm really looking forward to reading it. Its took me until I've been on this website to accept and understand that I was in a domestic relationship. I would never ever be happy like I possibley could be if I stayed with him. I'm shocked to understand that he never loved me .. Do these people not know how to love properly. I know I'm petrified of him especially when he's drunk or when he turns nasty towards him mother .. I've said to him a few times I don't want to end up like your mother .. He lives with her and doesn't pay any rent or buy any shopping etc but he rules the roost what he says goes ! He told her not to put all the Xmas decorations up at Christmas only a few because it looked tacky she bought them and wanted them up but didn't argue with him just let him have his way with no arguement what so ever... If his mam is sat watching tv and he comes into the room he can take the remote of her and change the chanel to what he wants to watch knowing she will just go to bed or not say a word.... She know alcohol sends him crazy but still confines to buy it for him to make him happy I think... Or to make it look like she is doing nice things for him .. When really she knows she's making things worse... She would neber admit she's scared of him and she has his back always .. However she has opened up to me a few times and cried and I've told her he bully's her ... Apartwnly from a young child he used to smash his house up and his mams things if he couldn't get what he wanted .. His mother told me this once when we where having a deep convosation. I've said I don't want to be like your mam .. His reply is him and his mam have a different can't of relationship to me and him and his mam isn't right in the head ... I know his mams fine in the head accept for sticking up for him all the time. I recieved a text message today of his mam asking if she can have Maddison on Sunday for a few hours (the day Chrissy is going to hand himself in to the police) obviously he has asked her to ask me ... My reply was I'm not sayin you can't see her but she's still very unsettled and pooly at the minute so I don't think it's a good idea .. She replied Ok. I know he will use Maddison against me in court if I let her go he will tell me if he was so dangerous why would I let my daughter be with him ... I know he's dangerous and she isn't going... Today I've also been thinking, when he comes out of jail Maddi could be 3 possibley 4 and she starts staying with him he could flip again and she could get hurt so I don't want her to go with him .. Even if his mam is there she can't supervise them because she is petrified of him.
Thinking about myself .. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know what I like doing or what hobbies I have .. Most of my time is spent wth my daughter .. She's asleep now so I find myself on here reading story's and begging for help. I don't know what steps are next for me in life ... I used to be a travel agent and then a holiday rep in Mallorca and Tenerife before I fell pregnant with Maddison .. How I done those jobs looking back now I will never know because now when I speak I feel stupid .. I hate seeing people I know that I haven't seen for a while because I feel like it can't hold a convosation and I feel like a idiot when I speak so I've been trying to avoid goin places where I could see people ... My convidence is shattered .. I used to be out going happy and life and soal of the party ... Now the only time I feel ok is if I have a night out with my friends and I'm dressed up looking nice and I feel abit more confident when I've had a drink.. Every other day I'm just a idiot freek. I love make up .. I don't really wear it much now but I used to and I love nice designer make ups I would love to work on a beauty counter or do something in beauty .. I think I would really enjoy that ... I'm not very clever with spellings and writing as you can probably tell ... I had plans to go to college and do hairdressing but I don't fancy that anymore I only choose that because there wasn't a beauty corse starting until September .. Maybe starting in September could be good because by then I will be hopefully in my new home and settled who knows .... I feel like I can't make own decitions for myselfs and that I need to be put on a track by somebody and pushed in the right direction because I don't trust my own decitions anymore .. They always land me in crap.
Thank you for your reply xx
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 4, 2014 21:03:43 GMT
Hey you, good on you for knowing the real reasons why his mother wanted to see your daughter. Once he is in jail you can feel more free and breathe deeper... be kind to yourself and give time a lot of time.....healing takes so so much time... I felt lost, like an idiot, a loser, wondered if i was an alcoholic since the only way to feel somehow ok for me was to drink lots of wine. I felt as if i should be dead since my life would never amount to anything. But then I started to feel better...and better....and I went for things I dreamed about- they do slowly come back. Even if its small dreams like- having a nice evening to yourself, cooking your favorite dish. Watching a happy movie and not wondering if someone breaks into the door for once....
It is not YOU speaking those thoughts in your head- it's the aftermath of abuse. The trauma messes with our heads a lot. If you feel comfortable enough, contact a local DV shelter and ask if you could speak to someone. Maybe just over the phone if in person feels too much right now. You can always end the conversation at any point you feel uncomfortable too.
If for now all you feel ok with is taking care of your daughter and your daily chores- then thats already plenty!!! Victims of domestic abuse do feel like war survivors because in many ways you always watch out for the next blow, you dont feel safe and you deal with a massive amount of violence towards your soul and body.
Also lots of sleep, water, good food and relaxing hot showers....sometimes we need to be kind to our body so he can help us heal. Tats important because the abuse and trauma make us jittery, living on the edge always and alcohol is a depressant - so even if it lifts the pain for a while, it can make your emotions darker over time. Coffee is also not a good thing to drink a lot while going through all of this. Your body is your partner now and needs you to be as balanced as you can.
oxoxo hang in there and watch all your thoughts and emotions coming in and going out like trains at a major trainstation....none of those stay forever. You can acknowledge them, you can even greet them and say: oh here comes the self-hatred and despair, the feeling like a failure...but they depart. They are not who you are but just a temporary experience.
Being the survivor can be a lonely path sometimes thats why I found this forum and my therapy so helpful. Others just dont get it. They cannot or dont want to. Either way, they dont know what its like to deal with the aftermath of trauma. Of the betrayal and all that.
It sounds like your mother is a positive influence and its totally ok to rely on her now for some support and for maybe helping you find out slowly and step by step which direction to take. You dont have to make any major decisions today. Or tomorrow...just know you ARE capable and worthy. And you are here for a reason- even if it may not seem clear to you right now. It's a lot at once. And only when it feels ok let yourself dream a bit...even if you cannot make certain steps right now it can be nice just to imagine...
and honey, you gave birth to a human being. You can do SO much- you have just been talked down to for a long time by an abusive man who needed you to break and fail so he could feel good. That time is over now. Look at that woman in the mirror you see and be proud of yourself, even if "just" for giving birth, being a young mom, having worked jobs in amazing places. That is a wonderful and beautiful, smart young lady looking right back at you, ready for life. With all its ups and downs.
Now relax, distract yourself until the jail confirms he is locked away for good. Stay safe until then and I am sure once he is in there, you will breathe easier and deeper, and find more strength day by day.
we are always here no matter WHAT you are feeling or thinking. There is nothing wrong with you. You just happened to fall in love with someone who was a great actor. It can happen to any of us.
oxox
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Post by maddy on Jan 5, 2014 1:45:52 GMT
You really are helping me and I can't thank you enough. I derent ring a domestic violence number yet I don't think I would know what to say... But I feel as though I'm getting everything out on here. I've started to think of him now as the bad nasty person and seeing him for what he really is.... I'm hardly thinking I wonder where he is or what he's doing and if I do get that feeling I'm finding myself straight back on here putting my head straight. My mam has ordered me another book today "invisible heros" so I'm looking forward to that too. I think your a invisible hero and this full website .. It's saved me. I'm tryin and starting to come to terms with things. I feel abit relant on this website at the moment and feel I need to keep coming on it and talking .. Is that normal?? I feel like there's a real person listening to my problems and giving me professional help that I need with out me feeling stupid listening to myself speak or having to sit infront of somebody if you know what I meen... Thank you xx
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 5, 2014 2:42:30 GMT
Thank you for the kind words!!!!Makes my day!! I wish there was more we could do for you but...when I was just getting out and away from my Ex, I found myself on here SO much. Now I come and check whenever time allows it, to see if I can pass on what others taught me. I think it is VERY remarkable that you are reading up on this topic and are very proactive about your healing process. Claim back what was always yours- the decision to do or not do things you and YOU alone feel right about. There is a good saying I once heard: "If it's right, it'll feel right. If not, then you dont always need to know why it does not. It's not right if it doesnt feel right." So maybe sometimes you will come across people that do not support your feelings right now in your immediate circle of friends etc. back home but thats ok. Surround yourself with people like your mother, who see more behind the scenes and understand what you are going through. I used to write here almost daily back when I was tempted to write my Ex or when my stress symptoms got too bad. It felt so damn nice to have people who knew what it was like. And it kept me from going back to him and also dating abusive men after him. I usually always run situations with men that confuse me by the people here. I think that helps me build up a better understanding of what a normal man and a healthy relationship look like- because I didnt learn that at home and I was scared I would feel always so broken that i would keep attracting abusive men but iam learning and getting better at staying away from anyone who has bad intentions. Maybe today and tomorrow will be very intensive days for you since you know he is still out there- so just be patient with yourself. It will feel easier once he is back locked up and you can be safe. Deep breaths, a nice hot shower and something good to eat...thatll help you pass the evening and night faster Let us know how you are feeling- we love hearing from you and you can never ever post too much! So no apologies, do what feels right for you. you can write or leave this place when it gets too much. I did that too- some days i just didnt want to read about abuse anymore for a while. oxox way to go sister and keep walking those babysteps towards a saver and healthier life.
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Post by maddy on Jan 5, 2014 13:58:05 GMT
Hello, I had horrible night mares last night I don't know why because before I went to bed I didn't feel like I was thinking about anything at all because I was sooo tired .. I kept waking up in the nightmare and was too scared to go back to sleep but every time I went back to sleep the night mate was back. As I child I used to get bad nightmares and I got a dream catcher and believe it or not I never had another bad dream ... I'm going to have to find one.
Today is the day when he told me he was going to hand himself in .. I'm half expecting some final text messages of him later but i will ignore them .. I need to .. This no contact is working ... I don't want to hear anything about him or if he has been going with other girls as it will nock me sick ... I've deleted my facebook just after all this happened as I live in a small town and every body knows everybody's business and at the time a lot of people where talking about what had happened. I hate that as I feel embarrassed I don't want people to ask if I'm ok or what happened again it's me feeling stupid when I speak. I've been out today to visit my grandparents with my little girl and felt relaxed. I'm back at my mams now. Hopefully tomorrow my transfer forms should have came for me to fill out to get a start on my move so that should get the ball rolling. I really hope he hands himself in today but in a way I'm not really bothered what he does as long as he is away from me. When I find out I have to go to court and give evidence I think that will be when I start to panic and my panic attacks will come back.. Having to see his face and also speak out loud knowing people I don't know are listening to me and listening to a really sensitive thing that I don't want to speak out loud about. - knowing his ears are listening to also turns my stomach and thinking about it now is making me panic a little. I feel like this page is a mirical it's getting everything that's been blocked inside of me for so long out .. I can say anything that is on my mind and how I am feeling. You really are a angel that I've found and I know this is the beginning of my new life.... I hope there is a tiny bit of light at the end of the The tunnel. Even though me And my baby don't have a actual home yet and we are staying in my mams house 6 people in a 3 bedroom house I still feel like I getting somewhere maybe not as of yet in reality but my brain is starting to get somewhere if that makes sence. I can't let go on this website if it ever shit down or anything I think I would crack and fall to pieces. It's my rock and it keeps me strong .. Just knowing in the back of my mind it's here for me ... I get excited when I see there's a reply full of wise words and pure help for me .. It's like medication.
Thank you xx
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Post by walkingthroughtreacl on Jan 5, 2014 15:15:08 GMT
Hello Maddy. You've started your journey and taken the hardest of steps - leaving him. As I've just put on a previous reply, no-contact is vital, otherwise the instant you respond to him, you are back to square one. It has taken huge courage to do what you've done and you don't want to have to do it a second time, which you may well have to if you start up contact with him again. Even though my ex was not allowed by law to contact me, he still tried to do so through my children, and there were times - even many months after I left - that I wanted to respond to him, despite the appalling treatment I'd suffered at his hands. So this is where you need to be really strong by not replying to him.
This site has been amazing for me. I started off on the American one for the first couple of years, and believe me - there were days that I'm not sure I'd have got through without it. One of the big problems people face on leaving abusive relationships is that you feel so isolated and that, no matter how much you try to explain it to people, there are really no words to explain what you've been through and what it's done to you. But of course on this site, people just know what you're going through because we've been through it too.
For you now, it's baby steps. You have shown tremendous courage by leaving (people who have not been in the situation have no idea just how incredibly hard it is to go) and whatever other obstacles come along - and there will be some - you will have the strength to cope with it.
I left my ex nearly three years ago and despite some incredibly difficult times since then, the leaving was without doubt the hardest step. Now you can begin to heal.
Take care and look after yourself - you deserve it.
xx
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 5, 2014 16:01:21 GMT
Hey Maddy, One thing that I thought about when reading your last message- you could ask the court if the judge reads out your statement instead of having you testify in person in the courtroom. I am not sure if that is legal in your country but in the country I had my trial it was. I actually collapsed from stress right before I entered the courtroom to testify- just seeing the shape of my Ex by glancing through the door was enough to fall down and scream and cry. My body simply did NOT want me even in the same room anymore. Everyone reacts different to a court date. Maybe push the though aside for now to have the quiet time to heal but you can contact the DV section of the responsible court and explain your intense feelings of stress and worry about the trial and your testimony. My judge let me stay in the safe DV room away from the courtroom and she simply read out the statement I had given to the police under oath and she basically told him what a loser he was and then read out the legal actions that would be taken place against him. A few weeks later he had to come in without me even going- and she read out to him how much money he had to pay me for the destruction of my property. We can help you with strategies once the date comes closer to go to court and you can also bring your Mom or someone you feel safe with. One thing they say is: do NOT look at him no matter what. They usually act like cowards even in the courtroom or try to play sad puppy etc etc....do NOT look at him if you have to or choose to go into the courtroom. Then again- I assume you have done it before the last time he went to court right? Maybe you wont even be as nervous and somehow feel calm, assertive and self confident. I had never been to any court before or even interacted with police - not even a speeding ticket etc. so I was totally overwhelmed. Nowadays I would react very differently and my abusive Ex does not evoke the slightest feelings inside of me. No good ones - no bad ones. I let go and moved on completely but like walkingthroughtread said - it took a while. It gets better with no contact. Have you thought about changing your phone and email etc all now? I think its amazing you got rid of facebook, good on you! Its another way to be socially exposed to possible supporters of him, people who might think he was right etc. and it leaves you more privacy to be off of it. way to go!! I found that simply throwing away my SIM card and getting a new phone number felt great. my email also...it felt like a real fresh start. Your mother could act as a connecting point between you and his mother- should she want to see your daughter once he is in prison. But maybe you can cut that out too...honestly your mother-in-law sounds like she will always endanger your integrity and safety. She lets her son abuse her and she abuses you by playing on his team. And she would probably try to get details from you about your whereabout, number, address etc. only to pass it onto him. For now....take a few days to breathe and get the paperwork ahead on the way like you already did. Life will look better each day. With some backfalls but those are ok too....they pass. It all passes. Nothing is permanent. Breathe, tell yourself itll be ok and if necessary, write it somewhere on your laptop or mirror to read every day! It will be Ok. YOU will be ok.
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Post by maddy on Jan 5, 2014 18:54:19 GMT
Thank you for your words they meen a lot to mewalkingthrpughtreacl it has been hard to let go and have no contact but I feel it is working I'm just scared that if I see him or here anything about him from somebody else all the feelings will come back to me- I can't let that happen. I want to get that feeling where I will never think of him ither the good times or the bad times. I have been to court before with him it was scary but I was still quiet a strong person back then I even looked at him in the eye when I was speaking I feel like now I've been a lot more grinded down ... Since he came out of jail and we spoke about the incident even to this day he tells me I lied about it and all he done was push me over, he almost makes me believe him when he tells me that's all it was... Going to court this time round seems a million times worse because I know he's going to get a very long time as he will be up for agrovated bugalry for force entry into my home .. Hitting me which would probably be abh smashing my place up which is criminal damage and also breach of restraining order so there's a lot of charges there that he's going to get done with ... Last time he was just up for domestic violence I think I was extra strong before aswel because when he was on remand I found out he had been sleeping with my best friend so I was so angry at that I wanted to see him suffer. This time I'm scared to see him suffer and scared at how long the judge will sentence him to .. He has a history of been in jail for domestic violence this will be his fourth time I think and once for normal violence and about 3 or 4 times for drugs. In the last 10 years he's spend 5 of those years in jail. He tells me he don't mind jail and they have a really good laugh in there he's always told me that. I haven't had no phone call of the police today so I don't think he has handed him self in like he said he would so that's kind of scary .. And no text message or any kind of contact to me ither ... The last message I got was ok and that was 3 days and I haven't heard nothing since which is a good thing but strange. :s he is very very stubborn though. I want to feel like a normal person with no heart ties to a loonatic. My mam works really long hours so couldn't really be a third party for his mam and my daughter however once he is in jail I don't think it would bother me to much to see her. Another thing which is worrying me as he lives with his mam when he comes out of jail he will be there I can't let my daughter go.. So why he is in prison she is going to be seeing her nana on set days getting attached and stuff then as soon as he's out it all stops and goes to contact centre ? I know it's a long way ahead to think but it's in my mind.
I can't wait for the day to feel completely free of him and his crazy manipulative ways.
Thanks for listening and replying means a lot x x
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Post by walkingthroughtreacl on Jan 5, 2014 20:07:19 GMT
I can almost feel your panic as you write and it takes me right back to when I first left. Turn your phone off at times and allow yourself some peace. Your feelings at the moment will be very mixed - I still loved my ex for quite some time which is totally bizarre when you think of what he did to me, so I really understand that you still have feelings for your ex, but remember that he will never change.
I never had to face my ex in court as what they eventually managed to charge him with he pleaded guilty to so I wasn't required to give evidence, so I can only imagine how hard it is going to be in court for you, but you will cope, you will get through it.
At the moment it sounds as though you still feel responsible for him as you say that you are scared to see him suffer. But we are talking about a grown man who has chosen to act the way he has. No one made him abuse you - it was his own decision for which he needs to take the consequences.
In terms of not wanting to feel tied to him, that won't happen overnight. Remember the baby steps? But the distancing yourself from him began the day you left, and one day you will experience emotional freedom from this man. In the meantime, look at each day away from him as one step nearer to that goal.
You say you are worried about your daughter building up a relationship with her nana, but then possibly not being able to see her once your ex comes out of jail. Try not to look ahead too much at potential problems. What tends to happen when you leave your abuser is that you are so used to living under constant, huge pressure from the abuse that when that is removed, you create your own pressures. You must learn to be kind to yourself - it was said to me from the word go and it is so, so important. Live one day at a time and remember - you've worked incredibly hard for your freedom. Don't let it go.
Keep posting.
xx
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Post by maddy on Jan 5, 2014 21:13:55 GMT
My ex never pleaded guilty last time to what he had done he pleaded guilty but on different events and told lots of lies so I was forced to go to court to give evidence on what really did happen- I know that's coming again he won't plead guilty and hope for the best he will lie again to see me suffer going to court giving evidence .. He will be half thinking in his head also that I won't turn up at court so again he will b trying to tell his solicitor and the police that it didn't happen as I say it did. My front door has two locks on it .. A Yale lock and a propa lock at the bottom .. When I had came in from the night I closed the door and the Yale lock locked but I didn't lock the bottom part how stupid am I!!' .... He got in by shoulder barging his way through the door.. I heard a bang then he was in my bedroom going abit crazy ... He calmed down and cried asking why I didn't love him I was so so so scared and lucky thank The Lord my friend stayed with me that night .. I clenched to her so hard and wasn't lettin go he was going crazy because I wouldn't go and talk to him in another room hence why he's smashed my living room to pieces obv before slapping my bum and slapping my face really hard ... On his way out the door he punched 3 glass panels and 1 wooden panel causing my door to split .. I know for a fact he's going to say to the judge I let him in the house when I never so that's why I'm going to have to go to court .. My friend has also done a statement stating every thing that happened.
I feel like the only way of gettin away from this horrible time is running away or dieing both of what I can't do .. I can't run away as I done have the funds and I can't die because my precious little baby girl needs me and I'm not selfish to do that to my little girl and my family but it does feel like that's my options to get over him and forget him completely for life .. As I've just typed that I've re lived it .. It was horrid, can a person really have two personalitys like a nice one and a evil monster .?? That's the only way I can describe him when he goes mad .. A evil monster who would kill with his bare hands. I think one day in his life he could possibley end up in jail for life for murder .... And I think it would be a girl .. He's only 27 now there's a lot of time for that to happen. I feel scared at the minute. My mam and step dad (who I'm living with at the moment) all go back to work tomorrow so this will be the first day on my own with my baby since the incident I am not looking forward to it at all ! Too much time to think with out adult convosation to distract me ... I'm going to go to the supermarket with my daughter and maybe pop into my grandmas to get out the house to make the day go quicker. Maybe see my friend aswel. I need to keep busy Thank you for ur reply xxx
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Post by maddy on Jan 5, 2014 23:30:46 GMT
It's bed time .. I'm in bed in the dark with my baby next to me .. My breathing is going abit funny and I'm finding it hard to catch my breathe feels like my heart is pumping out of my chest.. I'm scared to sleep because of the nightmare I had last night X
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Post by HH Lindsey on Jan 5, 2014 23:42:39 GMT
Try breathing out longer than you breathe in, with a pause between each inhale and exhale. Try o relax by concentrating on your body. Start by flexing all the muscles in your feet then consciously letting them relax. do this with your whole body.
And if you get a nightmare, remember it is YOUR nightmare, he is not really there, so you can do what you want in a dream and change the pattern
Hope you sleep well.
-- Lindsey
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