w
Member
Posts: 22
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Guilt
Jan 26, 2014 23:56:47 GMT
Post by w on Jan 26, 2014 23:56:47 GMT
Does anybody have any tips on how to deal with guilt from a psychologically abusive ex partner? They have accused me of everything under the sun, all of it completely unfounded, but my self esteem is so low that I totally believed them. I manage to go hours without thinking about them, when something will just trigger me off and all I can feel is guilt and shame over things I haven't even done. It doesn't make any sense and its really difficult to deal with. Any help would be very much appreciated
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Guilt
Jan 27, 2014 17:54:11 GMT
Post by HH Lindsey on Jan 27, 2014 17:54:11 GMT
Hiya and welcome to the forum How to deal with the false sense of guilt is a really good question, and I imagine there are as many answers to it as there are people on the message board, because it is such a personal thing. I used to feel guilty for stuff I hadn't even thought about doing, eg if there was money missing from the till at work and the boss asked us staff whether we knew where it was, I would feel as guilty as though I had stolen it, even though I hadn't. So the sense of guilt for me permeated the whole spectrum of my life, whether or not my ex had any anything to do with it. In fact, the sense of guilt and low self-esteem was largely there before I even met him, and is probably part of the reason I fell for an abusive person in the first place. Knowing rationally that the guilt I was feeling was misplaced didn't help me, because it was an irrational thing to think anyway. What probably has helped is changing the company I keep, from condemning to accepting people, opening up to other survivors and being accepted even if I did stupid things or stuff that I really knew was irresponsible. Meditation also helped, learning to control my thoughts and body better, eg breathing techniques. And educating myself so that I could better step out of the dance, or off the stage or however you want to express it, but just realising that I am not just a victim of my own life story and éven if I cannot change outside situations, I can change the way I respond to them, so in this instance, even if I cannot change the condemnation and the guilt-throwing from other people, I can chose whether to take it to heart and live as though guilty or not. Hope thst sort of makes sense ... have to run and collect the baby! Lindsey
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w
Member
Posts: 22
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Guilt
Jan 27, 2014 23:52:56 GMT
Post by w on Jan 27, 2014 23:52:56 GMT
That makes a lot of sense. I had pre existing mental health conditions (anxiety and depression) before I met them and having low self esteem was definitely a factor in how much I let them influence me. To be honest, I feel a little better knowing that other people understand this. Meditation is great, I should practise more! Even though I'm feeling guilt at the moment, its not as bad as it was 1 1/2 years ago when they first started. Thank you for your advice
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w
Member
Posts: 22
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Guilt
Jan 30, 2014 0:05:44 GMT
Post by w on Jan 30, 2014 0:05:44 GMT
I feel like ****, I can't turn my thoughts around and all I can think of is what they said to me and what they made me believe I was and its too much. Night time is the hardest, I just lie in bed and think about it over and over again and I can't help feeling like I deserve this and probably worse
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Guilt
Jan 30, 2014 23:18:09 GMT
Post by HH Lindsey on Jan 30, 2014 23:18:09 GMT
Have you tried CBT ? It sounds as though that could be a good starting point for you, given the problem you have turning your thoughts around?
Google it up and see whether there is anyone locally who might seem suitable.
All the best, Lindsey
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w
Member
Posts: 22
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Guilt
Feb 9, 2014 23:04:01 GMT
Post by w on Feb 9, 2014 23:04:01 GMT
I have recently started CBT and it's going really well! I'd definitely recommend it (although it was a pain to arrange)
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steve
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Guilt
Feb 11, 2014 5:47:19 GMT
Post by steve on Feb 11, 2014 5:47:19 GMT
It sounds like you didn't learn to not like yourself from the ex - you were already kinda there, and he made it worse. On purpose, of course. It may be hard to believe, but abusers actually LOOK for someone with a big guilt button, because it enables them to get away with more crap. I'm not saying it's entirely conscious (though for some it is more conscious than others - those are the REALLY scary types!), but on some level, they are not "attracted" to anyone who stands up for herself or questions their authoritative statements about how things are. This is not to blame you - behind guilt is often a kind heart. But I am suggesting that you were already vulnerable in this way and he chose to exploit it rather than help you feel less guilty as he ought to have done.
So part of getting over the guilt is to look to why you felt that way before he was around. My guess is that some things happened in your earlier life that contributed to your feeling this way. It can be anything from being abused as a child to feeling neglected and left out of the family (that was my issue) to feeling like your parents had expectations you could never meet or having a sibling whom you didn't feel you could live up to, and so forth. But it is likely something started this, and probably early on in your life. Therapy is one great way to get there, if you have a good therapist that's willing to take that trip with you. But there are lots of other ways, including self-help books, support groups, and spiritual practices. As Lindsey said, we each have to find our own path.
Meditation really does help, too. It's the quickest way to get some positive change, and you can do it any time, any where. Even a few minutes here and there can make all the difference.
Hang in there. It can take time, but it sounds like you're getting better. Remember that there are tons of beautiful things in the world. Don't give him the power to wreck your life any more. Find the beauty around you and within you, and slowly, you'll realize that nothing he did can affect you unless you let it.
You will get there!
---- Steve
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w
Member
Posts: 22
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Guilt
Feb 11, 2014 15:03:28 GMT
Post by w on Feb 11, 2014 15:03:28 GMT
That is very true, my ex knew exactly how to manipulate me (my ex is actually female though!). My therapist and I are working on it, and CBT is going really well. Thank you for your kind message
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