Hey you,
Yes...I have the time of year when he held me hostage in the house for hours until I could sneak out and run away to get help coming up right now too in a few days. I did feel a bit more sad than and couldnt quite understand why- but it makes more sense to me now - like every year- when I realize March will always be that. The month I will remember it at least once that I had to fear for my life for a few hours.
I did start therapy a few months after I left my abusive Ex and my insurance luckily paid for 8 months straight. Once a week. In the end we agreed on once every two weeks since I felt less and less need to go. It helped so so much....but it is important to know you have a right to change therapists should your first pick not work out. I for example was asked if I would accept a male counselor and said NO...it didnt feel right. I was then assigned to a very experienced PTSD specialist, a wonderful woman with whom I have clicked right away and we started to work intensively from day one.
I took everything she asked me to read, do etc. very seriously and it was her who introduced me to Imagery Therapy by the Psychologist Belleruth Naparstek (The woman who wrote "Invisible Heroes")
I would usually write a long email to her after each session as writing comes to me naturally and that helped too. So in my eyes therapy really is a living "organism", not a set of rules that apply to each patient. I am sure there are guidelines and certain techniques that are being used for everyone but a good counselor tailors her/his approach to your personality, lifestyle and wishes. I for example had huge trouble sleeping. So she recorded the sleeping imagery and another trauma imagery from the book Invisible Heroes and gave it to me as an MP3. I was SO thrilled about it! And use it even now still every now and then if I cannot sleep or feel guilt or shame overwhelms me...not necessarily about my Ex but about other things in life.
I have to say after my therapy was done, I was really able to let go more. It stays with you always I think- but in a "good" way. I am proud I can approach people now more analytically. Just because someone smiles at me and says something doesnt mean I believe it - I used to be so much more naive. ...
And of course when I am in doubt I run my concerns by experienced people here in the forum. Steve and the others have continued to give me expert advice and that has helped me to continue what I have learned in counseling.
One thing you asked was a very good question -- how to talk about it all.... The thing is I wanted to talk about it badly with someone who wasnt a friend or family member. Nobody but one of my girlfriends- whose Ex was terribly abusive- understood. The first sessions I cried. And cried.
I barely sat down in my chair and started to apologize and grab the tissue box. (they always got lots of those so go gettem!!! they are there to be used
)
The one time I remember things got very difficult was when she walked me through the final night- my Ex had held me hostage. He smashed my laptop, pushed me, punched holes in the walls. Called me every name possible. And while I described how I sat in the corner of the bedroom, all in fetal position and protecting my body as good as I could, I suddenly felt my heart beating very fast, I started sweating and couldnt breathe. I almost asked my therapist if I could sit on the floor because I felt I couldnt sit up anymore it felt like it.... I did not tell her then but kept on talking and remembered to take deep breaths.
I did write her later about it and she said it is totally fine to sit on the floor if I felt like it would be saver...
Your body will remember - and it may come out when you least expect it. But keep in mind you are in a safe room. With a person who feels safe. YOU are in control of your life that very second and it makes every difference. My therapist managed to guide me through this all- my Ex, the abuse, my Trauma, and gently show me I have more to explore in my immediate family. Since then I have started to cut out more people - and the healing continues. I especially had a very difficult relationship with my mother who is very controlling and narcissistic. In therapy I understood it is ok to feel someone doesnt treat you right and it is ok to say NO. I used to be the sweet girl who never wanted to be not-liked. But those days are over.
Now I am also able to talk to anyone about the abuse and most of the times I dont even feel anything anymore. It is like the police officer who picked me up that night said--"it will all be one bad memory one day. I promise you that."
So yes, I can recommend it with all of my heart. Be brave and take that step into the counseling office.
I felt weird at first because it was on the campus of my graduate school at that time and I was also a lecturer at the same Uni...so I could have run into students or coworkers- but ultimately decided it was worth it. After all....nobody will ask you why you are there BUT the therapist in a closed room. And chances are everyone else feels just as weird waiting there - browsing through magazines.
I often wondered why the others were there. Rape? Anxiety? Or maybe career advice. My default plan was that if anyone I knew came in and would ask me what I was doing there- I would have said: Oh well it is time to make the 5 year career plan and I hear the counselors here are very good at writing that one with you
A lil white lie is more than appropriate in those situations in my opinion.
The first thing they made me do was fill out a questionnaire- with questions where I had to rank my feelings etc. from 1-5 I think...like : Have you ever thought about killing yourself, have you harmed yourself, do you often feel like this or that etc....it will then go back to be handed to your therapist.
Then you wait a bit more and in my practice the head psychiatrist had an initial meeting with me. I think they do that to see if I would need serious meds like anti depressants etc. and if there were underlying medical issues not connected to the abuse. Since I never took any meds and just wanted to do cognitive therapy and have someone to talk to- I was then asked if Id prefer a woman (which I did) and the next day or so I had my first appointment with my wonderful therapist.
They did tell me I can change therapists if it felt wrong with her- but it clicked right away and I felt safe and comfortable talking about even sexual stuff - she even prepared me to go get my HIV test (I was scared he gave me a disease since I am sure he cheated) and offered to come with me when the results were back. The reason she did was that the clinic for sexual diseases was in the same building, just one short elevator trip down. I ended up getting the results from my tests via mail though and luckily everything was negative and ok. Puh. But I guess that was one thing I pushed away for ages....I didnt dare to ask myself if he did that to me too.
The last day was a bit sad but therapists are also good at helping you to move on on your own...and we left a few slots free in case I felt the need to come back but i really didnt. Now- a few years later- I am planning to return to therapy but to explore my childhood. I wasnt ready for that until now. And I am in desperate need to explore my parents and especially mother. And I am excited what I will learn and how I will let go and forgive myself for dealing with all this and suffering so long from feeling guilt and shame.
Hope that helped a bit...