Post by At my limit on Mar 28, 2014 19:20:58 GMT
My husband and I have been together almost 14 years, married for 4 and have 3 children together. When we were teenagers, after 6 months of dating, I cheated on him. I felt guilty and when he found out, I knew it hurt him deeply. After that we were on and off for the next 2 years. He dated during that time and would still see me. Shortly after that, I became pregnant with my first child. We were young and since I thought he wasn't ready, I let him get away with cheating on me 3 times (that I know of) during my pregnancy. Any time we fought about it, he would say his actions were a result of my cheating first and call me names. I put it off as him just going through a phase. There has been times where I caught him texting other females, or at the "gentlemen's clubs" at least 3 times a month. He also has booked himself a trip out of the country with his siblings and parents without consulting me or including myself or our children. Many of "milestones" in our life are in one way or another overshadowed by at least 1 of his careless actions. I stopped going out, I quit my job and moved 5 hrs away to be with him so our family could be together. He continued going out but because I trusted him, I never questioned him going out. However, when we would go home for a visit and my friends would want to go out with me, he wouldn't let me and would belittle me with names like whore, bitch, slut etc. He would say a mother of 2(at the time) does not need to go bar hopping with her "whore friends." He always disliked my friends and I think this was only because 2 of them had stood up to him when he would call me names in front of them. For years, I would just let it go and things with us were great. I would only go out to dinner with family and maybe once a year go out to a dinner with friends. If it got to be close to 10pm, he would call me to see where I was at and if I was on my way home. He was convinced that I was planning on going out drinking after dinner. He does allow me to be around my family whenever I like. Even though he calls them crazy and says he does not want them at our house (only my parents) he does let me go around them. I am a housewife now and I feel like he had gotten better because now he praises me when I cook dinner or if the house is clean. He compliments my appearance, so I never thought he verbally abused me until my friends brought it up. My husband is not what I considered an alcoholic because he drinks maybe 4 days out of the month. However, when he does drink, he becomes a mean drunk. He calls me names regularly when he drinks, and I noticed I became immune to them. In order to not make the situation worse, I would just say "um hmm, ok Dave." This will still upset him, and he would accuse me of challenging him, and threatening to hit me. He has raised his fists to me, but he has never hit me. He would say things about my friends, about my parents. He would call me worthless, he would tell me he could find someone better because he is tall, handsome and in the medical field. If I ever told him I would leave him, he would tell me it would be my fault our children would suffer. That why would I tear our family apart just because I want to go out and be a whore?
This past month, I decided since I had not gone out in 2 years, I am going to go out for a friends birthday and I am not going to let him tell me no. We had been at a show that night and he of course had been drinking. When he drinks, I normally do not because I have to take care of him and drive. After the show, I asked if he wanted me to take him home or if he wanted to go out with his brother? This started a fight where he would not get out of my car, even though his brother and other relatives tried to convince him to get out. He wanted to go out with me, or wanted me to take him to his car. I decided that I would take him to his mothers home that was nearby. The whole time, the name calling started and he was questioning why he could not go with me? I told him because when you drink and act like this, no one has fun, especially not me. He said I just wanted to go be a whore and I probably wasn't even going with friends but meeting a man because I am a whore. I am a housewife, so therefore our income is income he brings in. He told me I was not taking his car anywhere, the 2 cars are his cars, I don't pay sh*t. To give him his money and tried to grab my wallet because I "wasn't using his money to go whore around." He accused me of "trapping" him because I wanted his money. We were 16 when we started dating, 19 when we had our first child and he just now at age 29 graduated from medical school, so there isn't "money" for me to want. He threatened that a judge would take my children away because I "am a whore" and would not have money to pay for a lawyer. As I approached the exit where his car was (at my mothers house) and he noticed I wasn't slowing down, he grabbed a glass beer bottle he had, raised it over my head and told me "take me to my car, b*tch." I told him he was in no condition to drive, still he kept screaming at me the same thing, then he pulled the bottle back and forward like he was going to hit. I had never defied him in such a way and before that I had never felt like he would ever hit me. At that moment, I started shaking and I thought for sure the next thing I would feel would be glass shattering over my head. Scared at the point, I got off the exit and went to my parents house. I ran inside and told my father to go calm him down. He had my father convinced by the end of the conversation that I was in the wrong. He was saying all he wanted was his family to be together, yet all I wanted to do was go out to bars without him. Remember, this is the first time I had tried to go out in 2 years. My husband does go out almost every single weekend. I am not allowed to go out any trips without him, especially not girl trips. I do have social media accounts that he hates and has asked me many times to deactivate and that I used to listen to him before, but have decided that I am not going to anymore.
It's like the story I read that his needs are first, then my children, and never mine. He thinks my "me time," is when I go to a clothing store without my children. He never changes diapers or has never done overnight feedings for the children. He does play with them during the day, but when it comes to actual care of them that is my job because I have no outside job like him. He makes me feel like the life of a married woman is her family and nothing else. He makes me feel inferior to him. I guess I let it go on for so long because of my cheating early in the relationship. Sometimes I feel like I deserve this because I broke his heart early in the relationship. However, I know he has done many many many things since then that should "make up" for the 1 horrible thing I did. This is the most recent incident, but like I said when he drinks and I am around, the name calling is the norm. I get depressed because I am at my heaviest weight and I think no one is going to want me now with 3 children. How can I start my life over when I have no job? Is this how a marriage is? Is he right and I shouldn't go out?
Is this verbal abuse, if it only happens when he is drinking? Is this isolation when he does allow me to go to stores, have a cell phone, see my family and go to dinners? Or is this just a bad marriage? I just don't even know how to tell?
This past month, I decided since I had not gone out in 2 years, I am going to go out for a friends birthday and I am not going to let him tell me no. We had been at a show that night and he of course had been drinking. When he drinks, I normally do not because I have to take care of him and drive. After the show, I asked if he wanted me to take him home or if he wanted to go out with his brother? This started a fight where he would not get out of my car, even though his brother and other relatives tried to convince him to get out. He wanted to go out with me, or wanted me to take him to his car. I decided that I would take him to his mothers home that was nearby. The whole time, the name calling started and he was questioning why he could not go with me? I told him because when you drink and act like this, no one has fun, especially not me. He said I just wanted to go be a whore and I probably wasn't even going with friends but meeting a man because I am a whore. I am a housewife, so therefore our income is income he brings in. He told me I was not taking his car anywhere, the 2 cars are his cars, I don't pay sh*t. To give him his money and tried to grab my wallet because I "wasn't using his money to go whore around." He accused me of "trapping" him because I wanted his money. We were 16 when we started dating, 19 when we had our first child and he just now at age 29 graduated from medical school, so there isn't "money" for me to want. He threatened that a judge would take my children away because I "am a whore" and would not have money to pay for a lawyer. As I approached the exit where his car was (at my mothers house) and he noticed I wasn't slowing down, he grabbed a glass beer bottle he had, raised it over my head and told me "take me to my car, b*tch." I told him he was in no condition to drive, still he kept screaming at me the same thing, then he pulled the bottle back and forward like he was going to hit. I had never defied him in such a way and before that I had never felt like he would ever hit me. At that moment, I started shaking and I thought for sure the next thing I would feel would be glass shattering over my head. Scared at the point, I got off the exit and went to my parents house. I ran inside and told my father to go calm him down. He had my father convinced by the end of the conversation that I was in the wrong. He was saying all he wanted was his family to be together, yet all I wanted to do was go out to bars without him. Remember, this is the first time I had tried to go out in 2 years. My husband does go out almost every single weekend. I am not allowed to go out any trips without him, especially not girl trips. I do have social media accounts that he hates and has asked me many times to deactivate and that I used to listen to him before, but have decided that I am not going to anymore.
It's like the story I read that his needs are first, then my children, and never mine. He thinks my "me time," is when I go to a clothing store without my children. He never changes diapers or has never done overnight feedings for the children. He does play with them during the day, but when it comes to actual care of them that is my job because I have no outside job like him. He makes me feel like the life of a married woman is her family and nothing else. He makes me feel inferior to him. I guess I let it go on for so long because of my cheating early in the relationship. Sometimes I feel like I deserve this because I broke his heart early in the relationship. However, I know he has done many many many things since then that should "make up" for the 1 horrible thing I did. This is the most recent incident, but like I said when he drinks and I am around, the name calling is the norm. I get depressed because I am at my heaviest weight and I think no one is going to want me now with 3 children. How can I start my life over when I have no job? Is this how a marriage is? Is he right and I shouldn't go out?
Is this verbal abuse, if it only happens when he is drinking? Is this isolation when he does allow me to go to stores, have a cell phone, see my family and go to dinners? Or is this just a bad marriage? I just don't even know how to tell?